By Anonymous - 26/9/2020 14:02 - United States

Thanks, I hate it!

Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me while I was at work. She did so by telling me she has a yeast infection. FML

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Instadrama

Fashion Police

Risky business

By "nzfireman" - 4/9/2017 13:00

Today, while going into the fire station for a call out, I opened my locker door on our only available driver and knocked him out. FML

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2849

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By Daniel - 27/6/2010 07:43 - United States

Today, while going to lunch with my boss, he asked me to check and see if the other lane was clear. When I did, he swerved hard, making me smack my head into the door window. This is apparently his new favorite thing to do. FML

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34557

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2009 18:18 - United States

Today, I heard an electric saw cutting through something outside my condo. I presumed it was a complex maintenance guy working on something. It was a thief using an angle grinder to cut off my bicycle's U-lock. FML

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58871

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By stuck - 19/9/2011 19:31 - United States

Today, I went to see my boyfriend with the intention of breaking up with him. Instead I discovered that he lost his job today and has to move back in with his parents. I can't bring myself to dump someone who's already crying about his horrible day. Now I have to comfort my soon-to-be ex. FML

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By Al Staten - 6/12/2016 22:03

Today, my new boss asked me to handle a very difficult client, warning me that, "He's kind of a dick." My accidental response? "That's fine, I'm great at handling dicks." FML

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10339

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By MIND BLOWING - 20/10/2012 13:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML

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13188

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By charlatan - 19/8/2018 01:30

What's in a name?

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She asked me what year I was born in, then brutally rejected me. Apparently it's because my name wasn't in the top 20 baby names for my birth year. FML

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2853

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204

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2009 11:04 - India

Today, I left my brand new iPhone on the counter, and went to get its cleaning cloth. My grandmother saw a mosquito, and used my iPhone as a fly swatter. I now have a broken iPhone. Good news though: no more mosquito. FML

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54706

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5754

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, "what do I do now?" FML

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143129

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By Noname - 17/3/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs onto cement and had to get stitches in my knee. The class I was running to was Buddhist Philosophy where I was supposed to give a presentation on how we all need to slow down and stop rushing through life. FML

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25174

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By Charly - 5/1/2009 06:16 - France

Today, I sent a text message to this girl I've been flirting with for a while now saying "How about coffee?". To which she answered "Great idea, I'll go and make myself one right now". FML

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27079

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By toothpastecat - 13/5/2011 15:41 - Canada

Today, I was brushing my teeth. As a bent down to spit my mouthful of toothpaste into the sink, my cat decided it would be a good time to stick his head right where I was spitting. I spit a huge glob of toothpaste on his head. He then shook it off all over me and the walls. FML

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29529

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By StillPissedOffAtIrony - 6/9/2014 17:25 - United States - Hialeah

Today, my mother yelled at me for not doing all of my homework. She got so mad, she tore up a drawing I'd spent over a week working on. That was my art homework. FML

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49138

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3738

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By ihpgolj - 18/6/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike down a road I know is quite hazardous. Having almost been hit in the same spot the day before, I rode across the intersection very satisfied without having been injured. Until I crashed into the guy front of me and flipped over my handlebars. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 09:43 - United States

Today, as I'm pregnant, my mom came over to do some nice things for me, such as clean my kitchen and cook a large pot of my favorite soup. When she left, I took a nap, planning to eat later. I woke up to find my roommates had trashed my kitchen and eaten all my soup. FML

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By ... - 20/1/2019 02:00

Today, I yelled, "Fuck me, oh shit!" instinctively after accidentally spilling boiling hot coffee all over myself. My 3-year-old niece found this hilarious, and won't stop saying "Fuck my shit." Her parents are due to pick her up any moment. FML

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2108

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709

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By love and tolerape, apparently - 1/3/2015 19:24 - India - Jamshedpur

Today, after a 7 year dry spell, I finally got laid. The downside? It was in my dreams and involved a character from My Little Pony forcing itself on me. Now I hate that fucking stupid show more than ever. FML

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36848

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By Boss Troubles - 17/3/2015 06:12 - United States - Anaheim

Today, my boss insisted I go in front of him up the stairs. Out of respect, I insisted he go first. After a few seconds of back and forth insisting, he went. The reason he wanted me to go first was because he had to fart. I inhaled the raunchy gas for over three flights of stairs. FML

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28748

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By Lordy - 3/8/2016 11:33 - Saudi Arabia

Today, I went to work to find a picture on my desk of me with my buttcrack showing put there by an anonymous person. FM

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13540

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By skating101 - 8/12/2009 02:32 - Canada

Today, I went skating at the local rink. I had a really hard time balancing and was falling all over the place. After everyone had a good laugh, someone finally decided to tell me that one of my blade covers was still on, thanks. FML

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10837

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By WhatTheFaf - 1/9/2011 14:40 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum yelled at me for wanting to apply to university courses that she doesn't approve of. I'm applying for Biomedical Sciences and Microbiology, she's an unemployed Jehovah's Witness. FML

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39906

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By poorchild - 23/11/2011 06:02 - United States

Today, I had to bail both my parents out of jail. They'd thought it would be fun to go streaking. FML

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By Overprotected - 19/6/2013 14:39 - United States

Today, my parents decided they are going to come with me on my first date. FML

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61375

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2015 16:13 - United States - Inez

Today, my husband and I broke the news to my 10-year-old son that in about 8 months, he'll have a baby brother or sister. I knew he never wanted a sibling, but I didn't expect him to throw a tantrum, then look at me through teary eyes and scream, "Why can't you keep your fucking legs closed?" FML

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39513

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By paris78 - 18/10/2009 00:04 - Canada

Today, a person came into McDonald's, where I work. They ordered a happy meal. As they were an adult, I assumed the meal was for their child, who wasn't with them. When I asked if the toy was for a boy or a girl, they said the toy was for them. I still had to ask if it was for a boy or a girl. FML

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37800

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By fmldr - 3/12/2009 11:34 - United States

Today, I learned my wife wasn't speaking to me because our daughter told her I kissed another woman. My daughter neglected to mention that this happened when she came to work with me yesterday, and the kiss was between me and the dummy I use to teach my interns CPR. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

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42690

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By massachusettsan - 25/6/2014 00:07 - United States - Monomoy Island

Guitar Porn

Today, I got the same feeling in my chest when I orgasmed as when I hit a hard section in Guitar Hero. FML

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44460

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By go fish - 8/7/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend gently pointed out that when we hug, it's our stomachs that touch first. FML

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1395

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369

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By ewmomew - 12/9/2010 04:07 - Canada

Today, I had a nice, open chat with my mother. I accidentally let slip that I'm a nymphomaniac. She accidentally let slip that my dad is bad in bed. I don't think either of us will be chatting so openly for awhile. FML

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27536

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By blutownie13 - 9/4/2009 22:11 - United States

Today, I told my ex boyfriend I lost 20 lbs because of the stress of the break up. His response was "you're welcome." FML

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55317

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27741

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By badsinger - 4/6/2010 09:38 - New Zealand

Today, my fiancée told me she was having a bad day while we were lying in bed. Just as she was about to fall asleep I thought it would be sweet if I sang her a song that her Mom sang to her when she was a child. Instead, I was told to shut the fuck up and that I sucked. FML

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40939

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By downlowtooslow - 12/6/2009 04:49 - United States

Today, while eating with my kids at McDonalds, my son put his hand up and wanted me to give him a "high five." I went to give him a five, but he moved his hand at the last second and I ended up slapping him in the face. Now everyone there thinks I'm a child-beater. FML

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58542

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 23:01

Caught spunk-handed

Today, I was watching porn in the living room with the volume turned up, because I was under the impression that my family had already left for vacation. It turns out my cousin and his girlfriend were upstairs the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

605

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By Idktbh - 18/11/2017 22:00 - United States

Today, when I finished helping a customer, she said, “Thanks cutie!” When I thanked her she giggled and said, “I just like making people smile, plus I bet you don’t get called that often!” FML

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4098

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297

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By Latina - 11/1/2013 10:24 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me he wanted to learn Korean before Spanish. Apparently, being able to sing along to Gangnam Style is more important to him than being able to speak with my family. FML

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40539

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By kat - 25/12/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I work at a debt collections center and I had to call my own father. Merry Christmas. FML

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31421

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By Toothy_Peg - 13/6/2009 15:13 - Australia

Today, I got a meat pie for lunch. I bit into it and felt something hard. I spat it out. It was a tooth. I checked my mouth in a panic and discovered, with mixed feelings of relief and horror, that the tooth wasn’t mine. FML

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89024

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2009 01:29 - United States

Today, I planned a surprise birthday party for my boyfriend. I invited all his friend and made all his favorite food. He was running very late, so I called to ask what was taking so long. His response? He said he was at his house, with the very friends I was standing next to. FML

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66599

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By sportyhusband - 20/1/2010 03:46 - United States

Today, I heard the sounds of women grunting in the living room. My husband knows I don't like him to watch porn, so I confronted him. He was masturbating to professional Women's tennis. FML

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14059

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By guessnot - 4/2/2013 02:16 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy that I've liked for a while but never had the courage to talk to was wearing a TARDIS shirt. I jokingly asked, "Are you the Doctor?" His response was for me to "Go away, f***ing nerd." FML

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Top comments

By Charlie Given | 23

#7940966 - Saturday 26 September 2020 22:16

So you should have said all righty baby when I get home I'm going to pound some dough LMFAO 🤣🤣😂

By RichardPencil | 28

#7940944 - Saturday 26 September 2020 20:07

That's really dirty!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7940944 - Saturday 26 September 2020 20:07

That's really dirty!

By Charlie Given | 23

#7940966 - Saturday 26 September 2020 22:16

So you should have said all righty baby when I get home I'm going to pound some dough LMFAO 🤣🤣😂

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7941146 - Sunday 27 September 2020 19:42

Well you got what you asked for. It'd be extra funny if you're a baker.