By Confused - 23/9/2020 17:01 - Australia - Perth

Suspicious

Today, I texted my boyfriend, asking him to meet me when he finished work. Paranoid as he is, he took this to mean that I wanted to break up with him, and is ghosting me into oblivion. All I wanted was to see him on our 4-year anniversary. FML

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Proactive

Trip Advisor says no

TMI

By McFizzy321 - 13/12/2012 03:43 - United States - Merritt Island

Today, I went on a cruise. I gave my bags to a porter, and tipped him $5. Later that night, my bags still hadn't arrived at my room, and that's when I realized that I'd paid a fake porter to steal my bags. FML

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By Smiley - 31/12/2016 14:33 - Aruba - Oranjestad

Today, as always, I tend to smile and giggle when I'm nervous. I couldn't stop it from happening at the funeral of my friend's grandmother. FML

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By DEDMan - 28/10/2018 17:30

Today, I found out that my 6-year-old son was named after my wife's "Favorite Uncle" because he might also be the father. FML

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By sysadmin:~# rm -rf / - 12/9/2013 19:40 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my self-esteem sank so low that I sabotaged my workplace's corporate network, then fixed it, just so I could feel needed. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2013 21:39 - United States - Arcata

Today, I interviewed three elderly residents at a nursing home, hoping to use the transcript for a very important paper due next week. It went great, so I wrapped up and drove home. I sat down to start typing, and realized that my recording had stopped ten minutes in. FML

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By evilwater - 15/7/2011 17:21 - United States

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant when I knocked my glass of ice water over. In my attempt to clean it up with a napkin, I knocked a freshly filled cup of coffee all over myself. FML

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By Kev - 19/2/2009 23:42 - Canada

Today, I walked home from work when a woman asked me to come inside for a free meal. It was at a homeless shelter. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2011 13:31 - United States

Today, at a family reunion, my dad announced to everyone that I'd finally started my menstrual cycle. My grandmother started sobbing hysterically. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2013 21:26 - United States - Lake Forest

Today, I have to take a midterm, which is worth a large part of my grade. All our teacher has taught us so far is how to roast s'mores over a Bunsen burner, and how to make gummy bears explode. Our test is on kinetics. FML

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By meach - 6/8/2011 04:58 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of a bad haircut. She was the one who cut my hair. FML

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By Mattyboy - 24/8/2009 09:57 - United States

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house. When things started heating up, I heard the front door open and my girlfriend said that it must be her Dad. She handed me my clothes, pushed me out the window, and told me to knock at the front door. Her Dad answered, holding my shoes. FML

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By FuckedByLife - 12/2/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom - Bridgend

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend of two years was cheating on me. How? His other girlfriend crashed her car into mine and had him pick her up. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2012 08:31 - United States

Today, my mother told my therapist that I've been reverting to childlike behavior and she was worried about my maturity. She was worried because I screamed hysterically after dropping a pot of boiling noodles on my lap. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2013 01:29 - United States

Today, I got excited because I found Monsters University and The Croods online, neither of which I've seen. I'm 33, single, and it's Saturday night. FML

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By ashamed - 25/11/2015 15:50 - United States - Buffalo

Get Lucky, sound of the summer

Today, my neighbor called me a lucky bastard and said he heard me getting my wife off last night. I was too ashamed to admit the sounds he was referring to were from my 17-year-old daughter after a wasp flew through her bedroom window. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn't my own. FML

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By Meowitzer - 14/9/2019 22:00

Classy Mom

Today, I was elected "class mom", even though I didn’t want to do it. I was also handed several envelopes in the hectic school hallway, containing parental cash contributions for the year. I lost several of the envelopes while rushing to my car, and now have to contribute €100 instead of €25. FML

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By aquagoddess - 3/7/2018 19:00

Today, I used the last of my money to buy a bag of vending machine chips for dinner. It got stuck. A passerby saw and generously offered to buy another bag of the same chips to dislodge it. Gratefully, I accepted his offer. It stayed stuck. FML

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By thebeachisthatway - 22/10/2012 18:56 - United States - Worcester

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

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By BarhydtBran - 18/8/2015 01:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML

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By Whywhywhy - 20/8/2017 13:01

Today, my daughter decided to draw me a heart for my birthday. Unfortunately, she drew it on the side of my car. With a rock. FML

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By cathugger - 16/8/2019 16:00

Today, I decided to confess my feelings and perform a love song I'd written for my crush during an open mic night. He was there - he also took the opportunity to declare his love to his on-off girlfriend, get down on one knee and propose to her. She said yes. FML

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By preggo - 4/12/2009 00:02 - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she could include mashed potatoes and gravy with dinner. She then went on to yell at me about my "unhealthy eating habits" and how I've "gained a lot of weight in the past few months". I'm pregnant. FML

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By noname - 14/1/2009 06:33 - France

Today, my husband called me “my little zebra”. I gave birth a month ago, and I’ve kept a few stretch marks. FML

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By anonymous - 20/1/2012 05:02 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my husband why putting on dirty underwear after a shower defeats the purpose. We had this discussion in the middle of me giving him head. FML

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By Pissedoffwife - 7/7/2019 14:00

Today, our dishwasher broke. It's my husband's chore to do the dishes, but he refused to hand-wash them, and instead suggested we take them all up to his mother's for her to put in her dishwasher. FML

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By noooooooo - 18/3/2013 00:10 - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I was dancing with an incredibly sexy man at a club. He was grinding on me when he leaned over and said, "If I was straight, I would make you my queen." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2009 10:44 - Malaysia

Today, one of my teachers asked me to babysit their kids saturday night. She didn't forget that it was Prom night, she was going to chaperone it. My teacher assumed I wasn't invited to Prom... I wasn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2012 18:12 - United States - San Jacinto

Today, it's garbage day. My mom accidentally threw away a receipt she needed to return something and told me to go get it. While I was looking for it, a cop gave me hell for "stealing recyclables on private property." This all happened in my front lawn. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2014 19:51 - United States

Today, I was told that I'm very likely to win the "Most Likely to Exceed 5 Cats" yearbook award. My best friend said, "They wanted it to be 'Most Likely to Die Alone', but it was a bit harsh". Someone else added, "It's still pretty likely, though". FML

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By Zephyric - 2/2/2010 06:57 - United States

Today, I made a friend on an online chat. We got along fairly well and even traded Facebook accounts. I found out that the two of us had a lot of very surprising things in common. We were the same age, we were from the same school, and we even had the same boyfriend. FML

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By lonelyengineer - 19/12/2010 10:28 - Germany

Today, I sat in the cafeteria at work and saw a girl, which is a rare sight at my workplace, from the back with a beautifully long ponytail. After a full hour of building up courage to perhaps say hi to her, she turned around. It was a 50-year-old man. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, I would rather pound to porn than have sex with my wife, because trying to get her in the mood is too much hassle. FML

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By NotBuyingATractor - 2/9/2015 02:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer service guy called to fix a problem I've been having with my phone. When it transpired that he couldn't help, he transferred me to another representative. This other representative ended up being a John Deere dealer in Michigan. FML

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By MC - 15/8/2011 02:51 - Canada

Today, I was so drunk that I gave my mom's number instead of mine to the really cute guy I met at the bar. FML

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By Longhorn2011 - 17/6/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I went commando because its 98 degrees and sweaty boxers are a pain. While walking to class at UT I heard a girl laugh behind me, I turned and flashed a quick smile and kept walking. It turns out I had sweat through my khakis and she totally could see my crack. Texas weather sucks. FML

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By John - 7/11/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 6 years. She said no. Why? She's already married. FML

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By M.SHUKRI - 29/3/2015 12:54 - United States - Round Lake

Today, I was sitting in my bedroom relaxing when I heard my little sister and my brother. Thinking it was cute they were talking again, I was listening. They were not just "talking", they were making plans on how to kill me. FML

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By 11lyss1 - 23/5/2011 04:26

Today, I opened my new clothing store. My only customer was my mom and the only reason she came in was to tell me that someone stole my sign. FML

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By M - 23/5/2011 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to the key cutter for the second time because apartment key I gave to my boyfriend didn't work. The man cut me another key and apologised profusely. When I got home and tried the key, it didn't work. I realised I'd asked him to copy the wrong key. Twice. FML

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Top comments

By Mooglefox | 23

#7940190 - Wednesday 23 September 2020 17:09

Men are easy frighten. Approach him slowly holding pizza, he should come to you.

By Chazzster | 20

#7940252 - Wednesday 23 September 2020 20:56

Don’t leave mystery messages. Let the person know your intent when you ask them to meet or talk to you. That could have saved a lot of trouble.

COMMENTS

By Mooglefox | 23

#7940190 - Wednesday 23 September 2020 17:09

Men are easy frighten. Approach him slowly holding pizza, he should come to you.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7940206 - Wednesday 23 September 2020 18:31

Did he at least offer you some gas money? And I mean gas that doesn't smell like deviled eggs?

By Chazzster | 20

#7940252 - Wednesday 23 September 2020 20:56

Don’t leave mystery messages. Let the person know your intent when you ask them to meet or talk to you. That could have saved a lot of trouble.

By Brightside86 | 21

#7940257 - Wednesday 23 September 2020 21:02

Yeah next time just tell him "we should talk".

By Charlie Given | 23

#7940266 - Wednesday 23 September 2020 21:27

are you sure he's not paranoid because you're the side chick and he's nervous when he's around you because he knows that he's cheating

By bobsanction | 16

#7940347 - Thursday 24 September 2020 6:24

You must be awful at communicating.