Today, I was in a grocery store with my great-grandmother. It...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a grocery store with my great-grandmother. It would've been nice to know she hadn't taken her medication before she started beating the cashier with her umbrella. FML

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Miscellaneous

Out of it

Dicks aplenty!

Phantom pooper

By ournhd - United States

Today, I got bailed out of jail. I was there because I saw a girl being hit by her boyfriend. I rushed over to help only to have her hit me repeatedly. The cops came and she blamed her bruises on me. The boyfriend corroborated her story. FML

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By NewTenant - United States

Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's laundry machines to me, I blurted out, "It's okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads". FML

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By corgi problems - 15/9/2020 20:05

Doggy dog world

Today, I walked into my house after my nightshift as a nurse and my corgi had the house turned upside down, with things everywhere. I have people coming to look at the house in 2 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 23:00

British Broadcasting Corporation

Today, working from home due to the quarantine, things were going slow so I typed "Lola Fox BBC DP porn" into my team chat, thinking I was typing it into my browser. My supervisor took it down as soon as it happened, but people definitely saw. FML

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By PharmSlave - United States - Marysville

Today, my boss told me I ask too many questions and that's why they cut my hours in half. Officially, I'm a "Pharmacy Technician in Training", which means I'm trying to teach myself how to do the job without killing someone. All from on the job experience and an outdated textbook. FML

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By GD - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried and told him that I loved him. He gave me a quarter and told me to call someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was 25 cents short of the fare. I walked home in the rain. FML

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By tiffylueg

Today, my allergies are killing me. I took a Benadryl to help, but the allergies are still here. I'm now chugging Mountain Dew at 9:30 in the morning to keep from falling asleep at my desk. Thanks for nothing Benadryl. FML

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By nothesisforme - France

Today, I asked my professor for his opinion on the subject I plan to study in my thesis. Turns out, he likes it so much that he's going to steal it from me. FML

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By LovelessNewlywed

Today, for the first time since my partner moved in with me, I did one of my favourite things: I bought some nice cheese and a bottle of wine and went on to People of Walmart, just as I do every month or so. He called me a disgusting human being and went for a walk two hours ago. FML

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By oops.

Today, my wife had a nip-slip. At my family reunion. In front of everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML

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By liz - United States

Today, I was walking in Walmart and this cute guy walked by me and winked. I thought he wanted to talk so I followed him around the store trying to catch up. Turns out it wasn't a wink, he had something in his eye. And he told the security person that a weird girl was stalking him. FML

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By "sanza666"

Today, I shattered a coffee pot at work and ended up with a piece of glass in my eye. Now I have to look like a pirate until its healed, and it's nowhere near Halloween. FML

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By mrjude

Whiner!

Today, my boss yelled at me, telling me that I can't answer the phone anymore. Not because I do a bad job, but because a co-worker whined about it being her job. People call her and complain about how rude she is and then ask to talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to do an assignment about my greatest achievement and about an award I've received. I don't have either. FML

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By _dopey_ - United Kingdom

Today, I spilt boiling tea all over my stomach and left leg, so I went to the hospital to get it checked out. They said I wouldn't be able to expose it to the sun for the next two months. I'm going to Barbados tomorrow. FML

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By Pooper scooper - Guam - Yigo

Today, I realized that my dog has more work experience than I do. He's a retired military working dog, and I have a Master's degree. FML

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By beat10 - United States

Today, I was fired for "customer dissatisfaction." I work in IT and have never met one of my company's customers. FML

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By lehonj49 - Australia - Burwood

Today, after years of battling my social anxiety issues, I went out clubbing with my friends. A girl started talking to me and we actually hit it off. The next thing I know, I'm on the floor getting wailed on by some bloke for hitting on his girlfriend. She didn't do a thing to stop him. FML

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By norina - France - Paris

Today, at the bank where I work, I escorted a very short woman to her safe deposit box in the vault. I left her alone, knowing she could use the phone to call the reception when she was ready to leave. We later realised the phone was too high for her to reach. If glares could kill. FML

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By Blackberry - Canada

Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML

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By K.S.S. - United States - Rushville

Today, when I tried to break up with my girlfriend of 2 years, she had no idea we were even dating. She thought of all the movies, dinners and "sleep overs" I had with her was because we were such great friends. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sackville

Today, my biology professor was giving a lecture to everyone and used me as an example. For what? Traits men are repulsed by in potential mates. FML

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By Urinator - United Kingdom - Inchture

Today, I invited a girl back to my house and she seemed cool. I then left to go to the toilet. When I came back, there was a giant wet patch on the rug. The girl then blamed it on my dog, whose picture is on the wall. My dog died last week. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, during a drunken night out, a really trashed friend said to me, "Jeez, even when I’m drunk, you're really ugly." FML

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By JP - Italy

Today, I went to the bank to make a withdrawal in order to celebrate my last day here in Italy with my friends. Apparently I'm overdrawn by 187 dollars so I'm eating nothing but leftover stale crackers to survive until I get free plane food on my way back home. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Yokohama

Today, I went to the hospital due to vomiting and abdominal pain, and they decided to fit me with an IV drip. It took several tries by two different people to get the cannula in. I feel like a human pin-cushion. FML

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By beavis - United States

Today, my brother and I were standing at the baggage claim, waiting for our luggage to come out. We were commenting on all the bags that appeared, and when two large hiking packs came out I exclaimed "What kind of cunts go backpacking in New York?" The old couple standing next to us, apparently. FML

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By ripped - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my cat used my head as a springboard and ripped my earring out with her claw. FML

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By StudMuffinette - United States

Today, I was at work when someone came in asking me to brush their pet shih tzu. After an hour of vigorously grooming through the multiple knots, I called the owner to collect their dog. When she got here she said, "Oh, did I say brush? I meant shave." FML

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By smurfpoo - Canada

Today, while cleaning the bathroom in a suite at the hotel I work at, I heard a couple come in, and then a marriage proposal. She said no, that she had been seeing someone else and left the room. I was then alone in the bathroom, listening to a grown man sob. FML

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By Banana_Lord - United Kingdom - Arbroath

Today, I rode my new bike for the first time. I made it less than 100 feet from my driveway before I was almost flattened by someone driving on the wrong side of the road. Upside: I managed to get out of the way. Downside: I did it by slamming my brand new, expensive bike into a wall. FML

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By Starving Ultimatum - United States

Today, I was robbed while recovering from a robbery. FML

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By homelessagain - United States - Lorain

Sue! SUE!

Today, I found out, through Facebook, that my landlord hadn't been paying the mortgage on the house I'm renting from him. It's going into foreclosure. FML

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By orgasmsareoverratedanyway - Norway - Myre

Today, I realized just how clingy my boyfriend is, when he pulled out in the middle of sex, lay down and hugged me, and said in his "adorable" voice that he didn't really want to have sex, but cuddle. I wouldn't mind if it didn't happen so often. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2020 14:02 - United States - Palm Bay

Give me my drugs!

Today, my doctor's office called to reschedule. I hate sacrificing work time at all, but I have to have my contraceptive. The appointment had been set back once already due to insurance issues, and having to wait until November means I'm going to run out… so now I sound like a drug addict. FML

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By Margaret - 4/9/2020 02:02 - Canada - Toronto

Rollercoaster

Today, within the span of one day, the owner of the business I work at said I could write "Technical & Compliance Manager" on paperwork where I was the approver for engineered compliance of product regulatory records, but also that I was "basically just a secretary." FML

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By bobafett892 - United States - Atlanta

Today, while working at a cell phone store, I helped an older woman learn how to use her newly updated phone. After trying to help her for over 20 minutes, she threatened to throw her phone at my head. FML

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By hipthrustdude - Malaysia

Today, I got really excited at work over a deal I was about to close. I got up and started performing a rather obscene hip thrust only to notice a client sitting in the glass meeting room. FML

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By Justanotherwreck

Today, we had an office party. I got extremely drunk and invited my younger coworker into the bathroom to make out repeatedly. Not only did he reject me multiple times, but he also looked super traumatised and hasn’t said a word to me since. FML

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Top comments

By marti1497 | 10

#4046797 - Friday 17 February 2012 12:02

go grandma. (;

By ThomasAZ | 3

#4046802 - Friday 17 February 2012 12:02

Look at the bright side... The other people probably had a lot of fun.

COMMENTS

By robpressley93 | 8

#4046793 - Friday 17 February 2012 12:01

wow keep that old lady on a tighter leash.

Danny0522 | 8

#4046796 - Friday 17 February 2012 12:02

Not really, a change in medication is enough, but now OP has a great story to tell

LightningCactus | 12

#4046894 - Friday 17 February 2012 12:42

Your grandmother sounds like a riot!

chocol8m | 6

#4047033 - Friday 17 February 2012 13:49

I bet she didn't get in trouble either, old people get away with a lot (:

thiscrazything | 1

#4047062 - Friday 17 February 2012 14:01

I think she was in line behind me, she kept trying to poke me with her umbrella. Crazy old people.

Slai_fml | 3

#4047119 - Friday 17 February 2012 14:28

I have seen someone with thier old person on a leash. It was hilarious! Imo old people are great I hope I go absolutely batshit crazy when I get old. I think it would be a great new perspective on life.