By Anonymous - 9/4/2020 08:00

Stolen valor

Today, I was on Facebook when I saw a picture a popular girl I don't talk to had posted of her fake ID. She had used my full name and identical signature. FML

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Understandable

Recycling helps

Ideal first date

By Scarlet

Today, after calling my bank to see where my paycheck was, and waiting on hold for my entire lunch break, my boss told me she forgot to submit my deposit. I was relying on that money to pay for lunch today as I used all I had for bills. Looks like I eat tomorrow. FML

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13592

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1124

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my Halloween costume finally showed up in the mail. Their consolation for a late delivery? A 50 cent discount. FML

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30986

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up very excited because I was going on my first date with this guy I really liked. I dressed very nicely and went to where we were supposed to meet. I waited for about 2 hours. I called him to ask him where he was. He got angry because he was still sleeping and I woke him up. FML

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By notonasoccertam - 6/9/2020 10:09 - United States

Harsh

Today, I made my school's soccer team. I told the coach that since I have diabetes, I might need to sit out occasionally. He promptly erased my name and said he didn't accept "slackers." FML

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1431

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By watch_corn_dance - United States - Pontiac

Today, I was being shown how to use a nail gun while applying for a job at a construction company. The instructor shot me in the arm with it. I didn't even get the job. FML

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49984

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to play a joke on my boyfriend and planned to pretend that I found a thong in his gym bag. When he came home, I "confronted" him. After struggling through putting on my best face, he, unexpectedly confessed: "Look, babe, I'm sorry. It meant nothing." FML

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57411

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By anonymus - Canada - Toronto

Today, my grandmother was driving me to the mall. Suddenly, she stopped in the middle of the road. When I asked her what exactly she was doing, she said, "Oh, am I driving?" FML

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31101

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By Goatczar - United States - Orem

Today, my two managers, both over 30, were arguing over whether or not butter is a sauce. FML

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28746

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, at dinner with my boyfriend and my family, my mother had too much to drink and asked my boyfriend how I was in bed with the purpose of embarrassing me. His reply? "Not as good as her sister." His defense? "It was only one time." FML

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By crazy dog lady - 2/11/2020 02:02 - United States

Furry family

Today, my girlfriend got evicted for having too many dogs. She expects me to let her and all 5 dogs live in my one-bedroom apartment. When I told her no, that I’d get evicted too, she said that should be a sacrifice I’m willing to make for “our family” if I really loved her. They aren’t even my dogs. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered that one of our cats is super creepy. He humps the blankets on my mother's bed while staring at her while she's sleeping. FML

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41749

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By farmvillefail - United States

Today, I found out the best way to communicate with my boyfriend, who is obsessed with farmville, is by placing a "sign post" on his farm. Not sending text, email, or calling, but placing a message on his imaginary farm. FML

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31837

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By unemployed

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call for an interview. Right in the middle of the call, my phone hung up so the music app could open. I tried calling them back and got no response. FML

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2665

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By Anonymous - United States - Wallingford

Today, while despairing over having been rejected for my dream job, I received an email asking me to come back in for another interview. Then they called me to say they accidentally sent the email to all the applicants, and that they definitely aren't interested. FML

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By :/ - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I finally worked up enough courage to ask out the guy I've had a crush on for months. I texted him, and he thought I was Maddy from work, not Maddie his neighbor. Now he and the Maddy from his work are dating. FML

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By missy - United States

Today, my mother told me she needed a urine sample to send in to the doctors to test for any allergies. I did what she had asked and went to my room. I came down stairs later and found her in the bathroom putting my pee on a pregnancy test stick. FML

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By neveragain89 - Australia

Today, I had shelves installed using a builder who came highly recommended by my co-worker. Turns out the builder is her friend, who has no actual qualifications or experience as a builder, but 'it's his dream'. I now have a gaping hole in my kitchen where the shelves should be. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I hit someone’s car and got arrested for a DUI. I had to tell my parents so they could remove me from the insurance. My mom's response in the background after I told my dad was "I knew it." FML

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By ks.swan13

Today, I got a call about my dog who went missing a week ago. The guy who called said "We have your dog, but you aren't getting her back." Then he hung up. FML

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By xpxp2002 - United States

Today, I dreamed that I met this beautiful girl at a restaurant and we ended up having lunch together. Everything was going perfect until the end when I tried to get her number and she wouldn't give it to me. I can't even get a girl in my dreams. FML

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By Sanchez - United States

Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML

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43357

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By nola2005

Hoarded in

Today, as my gaze went from the cobwebs hanging from my ceiling to the opened and unopened Amazon boxes in the corners of my house, I realized I'm on my way to being a hoarder. I'm too tired and depressed to do anything about it. FML

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1297

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By Dunnie

Today, my aunt was itchy down there and sent me to buy a vaginal cream at the pharmacy. The pharmacist was a cute boy and was flirting with me. I said I needed a cream and he asked what for. When I said vaginal cream, he stopped smiling, got the cream, and said, "Good luck." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Bremen

The gift that keeps on giving!

Today, for our Christmas gift exchange, we were supposed to all bring alcohol. I got a Crown Royal Apple box with a couple of positive pregnancy tests. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend's 4-year-old son and four of his friends to the amusement park. While walking down a hill, I slipped on some water and slid down the hill, taking out multiple children. It wasn't rain. I'd slid on vomit. FML

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By bitchasaurusrex - Canada

Today, I was driving with my mother. The ride was 2 hours long. For the first hour, she talked about how uncomfortable sex is the first time. For the second, she talked about how I should take accordion lessons. FML

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35356

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By vlcardenx3 - United States

Today, I was at Aéropostale with some friends when I noticed a woman glaring at me. When we got to the checkout, the woman still had her eyes on me, so I asked why she was staring. She snapped, "If you had kept your legs closed, you wouldn't be pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

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48486

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By Anonymous

Some people are so... creative.

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's pregnant. She'd told me she was on birth control, so I asked her to show me. She had been sticking the pills up her vagina like a suppository. FML

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8178

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 20:00

Freudian slip

Today, I accidentally sent a very sexually explicit message to my online class because I thought I was typing in a different window. You can't delete messages. FML

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839

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By cheated

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 7 years has been communicating extensively with his ex, who lives out of state, for over 6 months. She booked flights and a hotel nearby in a month and invited him. He didn't say no. FML

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4700

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335

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By fuckingdieyouoldhag - United States

Today, I was taking a selfie. My grandma saw me, then after smirking to herself, she went and told my parents that I was "doing that sexting thing". They believed her and grounded me, even after I showed that all my photos and sent messages were totally innocent. FML

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50545

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By emmingle - Canada - Burnaby

Today, I discovered that the "dish soap" my sister uses to clean our dishes when it's her turn, is actually a semi-toxic floor cleaner. FML

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42999

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By bluesox4 - United States

Today, I found out that the only thing worse than a psycho, overbearing, controlling girlfriend is a psycho, overbearing and controlling ex-girlfriend. FML

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35161

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4107

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By Jonoq - Canada

Stress factor 11

Today, in a 2-hour period at work, I had to talk to the cops, clean up shit and clean up vomit, yet none of these events were related. The worst part is, I work as a lifeguard and none of this is in the job description. FML

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1384

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By Slayeddd - United States

Today, I realized that I have to block my number to get my own mother to take my phone calls. FML

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35178

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3553

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 02:00

Honesty is the best policy

Today, I finally went on a date with a girl I've been talking to for 2 years. She is my dream girl, picture perfect and I love her with all my heart. So I asked her, half jokingly, if I was her dream guy. Her reply? "Don't ask me something you don't want to hear the answer of." FML

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1309

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By Anonymous - United States

Good catch

Today, my father came over to my house. I realized there were condoms on the table, so I subtly moved a vase to hide them. He then gave me an unamused look and said, "I know you have sex. You've been married for nine years. Grow the fuck up, dumbass." FML

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21515

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By iLikeMyLegs - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I was rushed to the ER due to a very swollen foot and high fever. The doctors said I just have a tissue infection but my parents believe I have a flesh eating disease. I can hear them discussing my future with an amputated leg. FML

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47443

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By ew - United States - San Antonio

Today, I painted my nails in the car. After I finished, I stuck my hands out the window to let them dry. When I pulled my hands back in there were live bugs stuck in my nail polish. FML

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25512

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By RetailJocky

Today, at work, a bag of driveway repair tar split and spilled in my arms and hands. Not only does it stain and pull out any arm hair it touches, the stains also look like I was playing in dog poo. FML

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Top comments

By GamerChickxoxo | 16

#7896136 - Thursday 9 April 2020 9:50

1- identity theft - could be some major fines and potentially a lawsuit
2 how fucking stupid is she to post her fake id online

By tabby cat tidbit | 9

#7896176 - Thursday 9 April 2020 14:36

tell the cops.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7896117 - Thursday 9 April 2020 8:27

She wants to be you!

You're popular with the popular girl! Wow!

By GamerChickxoxo | 16

#7896136 - Thursday 9 April 2020 9:50

1- identity theft - could be some major fines and potentially a lawsuit
2 how fucking stupid is she to post her fake id online

By tabby cat tidbit | 9

#7896176 - Thursday 9 April 2020 14:36

tell the cops.

By MorganHex | 25

#7896180 - Thursday 9 April 2020 14:56

Girl you better get screen shots, and proof ASAP. That could cause serious trouble for you if she gets in trouble. Report her to the cops ASAP!

By theangrybeaver | 8

#7896213 - Thursday 9 April 2020 17:25

Wow, a good lesson here. Popularity does not mean good character, or even intelligence in this case. Teach her some lessons too! She can not just walk all over you. What she is doing is a crime. And her outright bragging about it is insulting!

By spinspinsugar | 10

#7896272 - Thursday 9 April 2020 21:18

call the mfn cops!

By geniusness | 6

#7896284 - Thursday 9 April 2020 21:50

Is that you McLovin?