By Loveless - 29/10/2020 20:08

Sorry, but…

Today, my crush said that I was exceptionally ordinary. To my face. FML

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884

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Buzzing the tower

Recycling helps

Dad of the year

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 14-year-old daughter told me she's pregnant and plans on dropping out of school to live a life on the road with her boyfriend. FML

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44043

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By Brad - 5/7/2020 20:01

Home invasion

Today, I woke up and got out of my room to find two pit bulls viciously tearing up my couch. I have never owned a dog and I live alone. FML

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1796

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By Sabrina - Australia - Canberra

Move on, dude

Today, looking on the internet, I came across my ex's Facebook page. Most of the posts were about me, and his profile picture was still of me and him. We broke up over a year ago. FML

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1586

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158

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, after years of loneliness, I met the most amazing girl on Omegle. We spoke for ages and really clicked. But before either of us could exchange numbers, I lost my internet connection and her along with it. FML

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25850

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By Sara - 22/9/2020 07:54 - Canada

Don't feed the animals

Today, I had to clean up dirt from flipped-over flowerpot mess for the 100th time. Why? Because the neighbour won’t stop feeding the squirrels peanuts. FML

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896

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155

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By Sleepless

Today, my dad and I had to move in with my mom. There's only two tiny rooms, and my aunt lives there along with her dogs and my cat. The dogs have tried to kill my cat, I have to share the bed with my mom, who snores BAD, and I haven't slept in two days. I work early all week. FML

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2217

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By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Here I go again

Today, after I finally laid down from a long day and was about to fall asleep, I realized I forgot to set my alarm. I don't own an alarm clock and my alarm is on my phone. Which was in my car. I live on 15th floor of an apartment building and our parking garage is across the street. FML

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36915

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Exminster

Today, after assuming I'd been scammed, I finally found the vibrator I ordered over 2 months ago. It was in my mom's bedside cabinet. FML

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38614

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By Anonymous - Australia - Albert Park

Today, I was stumbling down the street due to arthritic pain, when I accidentally bumped into a man. He turned and yelled, "Watch it, you clumsy, ugly bitch", to which I apologised and told him about my arthritis. He stared at me in confusion, then said, "Well, you're still ugly", and walked off. FML

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56637

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By JackG - United States

Today, while at McDonald's, I saw an 8 year old girl licking a life-size Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench. Being concerned, I told her mother who then yelled at me for 10 minutes for being a "paedophile" and "being turned on by an 8 year old girl." FML

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31902

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By hé merde - France - Paris

Today, I was pushing my wheelchair-bound grandpa back home, when a pretty girl walked past us in the opposite direction. He made me stop and turn him around, just so he could check her ass out as she walked away. FML

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31870

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By unexpected_failure - United Kingdom

Today, I was showing my Mom how to use the Internet on her phone. As there was bad reception, it said "Unexpected Failure." Seeing it, she muttered under her breath, "Just like you, then..." FML

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33811

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By TipsyTj - Canada - Kentville

Today, I was on my run, running past the home of the very attractive guy in my English class. This time he was outside. As I was running I casually waved, he waved back, but because I was distracted, I didn't notice a rock on the sidewalk and ended up tripping and pantsing myself. FML

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22106

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By Uproar - Iceland

Today, I got a phone call from my 6-year-old son's school telling me they were concerned about him as he wouldn't stop barking at the radiator. After talking to my husband about it, I found out he's been teaching him so he could see the look on my face. FML

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24887

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By hannibal - Australia

Today, I heard a loud-speaker announcement in my college that someone had left their car in the car park, still running, with keys in the ignition. I laughed at that person's foolishness until I realised it was mine. FML

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7820

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the woman who sits behind me in class showed up. She shrieks in laughter until she has coughing fits every time anything even remotely sexual is mentioned, including evidence in sexual assault cases. Lectures are 3 hours long, twice a week, and I need this class to graduate. FML

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32417

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By yolo is for shitheads - United States

Today, I had to call in sick to work because I was experiencing bowel distress. I called my manager's phone directly so no one else would know of my embarrassment. She put me on speakerphone, and I only realized when the juvenile laughter started. FML

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23348

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2139

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By :( - Japan - Tokyo

Today, in a public restroom, an elderly lady started bitching me out for not washing my hands. I was so intimidated that I did so under her accusing watch. I'm quite intolerant to many soaps, and I now have a horrible rash on my left hand because I was too frightened to explain. FML

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44571

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By Anonymous - United States - Baltimore

Today, I visited my girlfriend's apartment for the first time. I guess she forgot to do some spring cleaning before I showed up, because I saw my laptop on her couch. The same laptop that was stolen from my house along with several other valuables last week. FML

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By Anon - United States - Southbury

Today, I was racing my friends to the car for shotgun in the parking lot at night. I opened the passenger door of the car to find an old lady staring at me. It was the wrong car. FML

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By StillSingle - United States

Today, I went to my friend's beautiful wedding. The only other single girl there was 5 years old. She caught the bouquet. FML

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51213

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By TrailerTrash - United States

Today, I had artfully managed to avoid anyone knowing that I was moving into a trailer park. I showed up at the trailer where all my friends, co-workers, and exes were waiting. My parents knew I was feeling down and wanted to throw me a surprise 'moving in' party. FML

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66330

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By hoovered - United States

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to give me a "hickey" with a vacuum cleaner while I was passed out drunk. Not only do I have to try and explain this to my girlfriend, but we're meeting her parents for lunch this afternoon. FML

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58854

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By ER Birthday

Unhappy Birthday

Today, I got home from the hospital. Yesterday was my birthday, and I got a piece of steak caught in my lower esophagus, resulting in a trip to the ER and an overnight stay so they could put me under and fish it out. I’m not allowed meat for a month while they find out what caused it. FML

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1355

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By Username - France

Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML

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37278

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31325

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going on a dinner date with a girl I had just met. After I picked her up I asked her if she would like to get lobster. She looked at me and asked if those were the red ones. Confused I nodded. She replied, "Sorry, I don't eat red meat." I laughed. She was serious. FML

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67028

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at an outdoor market with my family. We'd had dinner and were about to leave when 2 women stood next to our table, smoking. We called out to let them know they could have it, as we were leaving. They thought we were complaining about the smoke. They yelled at us and stormed off, while the other tables stared. FML

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1340

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143

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By itendstonight - Ireland

Today, it was my turn to have the trophy my baseball team won a few weeks ago. I then find out that my brother and his buddies thought it would be funny to fill the trophy up with beer, drink the beer, and then pee in it. Not only is it over 50yrs old, it stinks of pee and is due back tomorrow. FML

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42901

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By :-( - Australia - Rozelle

Today, I finally convinced my mum to take me to a psychologist. As soon as he sat me down and asked me how I was doing, my mum burst into tears and went on a rant about how her life is terrible and she regrets everything. I was asked to sit in the waiting room. She used up my whole hour. FML

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53936

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3619

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I listened to my elderly bachelor neighbor moan, "Oh, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh kitty!" for over half-an-hour before he wandered out on his balcony in wet, tight white underwear to water his plant. This is the fifth time this week, and I still don't know what on earth he's doing. FML

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44116

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By college estudiata

Today, I realized I need to get my life together after spilling ramen while taking a bath, again. FML

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23086

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

So, it is not immoral ?

Today, my parents were arguing about their relationship. My mom, who is very Christian, yells at my dad for watching porn. My dad responds, "Of course I watch porn, I've told you! I have shown you!" He is also the one who stressed to me at a very young age that porn is immoral. FML

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1785

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By welcome to the neighborhood - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I met my new neighbors. The first thing they did was build a fence. FML

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11537

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1802

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend informed me I need to stop staying up all night, because it's "really sketchy" and he feels "uncomfortable" not knowing what I'm doing, and why I'm awake. I'm an insomniac, I have been my whole life, and he knows this. FML

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1771

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140

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By dontplaywithmyfeelings - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I got a new job and told everyone about it. A few hours later, I got an email from the executive saying I actually don't have the job anymore. FML

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29696

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2719

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By ItGirl - Sweden - Eskilstuna

Today, my dad got so drunk that he forgot my name. He started calling me "It". FML

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39416

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3344

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By ohdeardarling - United Kingdom

Today, I went over to my boyfriends house with a few people. I drank too much wine and later when everyone else left I gave him head, deepthroating a little too enthusiastically, and puked all over his cock and bedsheets. Turns out, washing vomit out of your pubes kills the mood somewhat. FML

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13655

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60099

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By okay17 - United States

Today, I met my new roommate. I hadn't even gotten her name yet, because the first thing she said to me instead was that she wanted to hang her confederate flag on the wall. I'm black. FML

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39847

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By DrugDeal - Canada

Today, I was under a building overhang to avoid getting drenched by the rain while waiting for the bus. Apparently that corner is notorious for drug dealing, I found this out when a man angrily demanded his drugs and chased me half a block. FML

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33544

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By Dooh - United Kingdom

Today, I've found out that since beginning my new heavy workout regime, my testosterone levels have gone through the roof, making me constantly horny. My girlfriend lives on another continent. The reason I'm working out so hard? To impress her when I see her next. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7948547 - Thursday 29 October 2020 21:19

In these crazy times, ordinary can be high praise.

Also, he noticed you!

By demix_fml | 32

#7948578 - Thursday 29 October 2020 23:46

It’s a line that Luna says from HP.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7948547 - Thursday 29 October 2020 21:19

In these crazy times, ordinary can be high praise.

Also, he noticed you!

By genuinegoodguy | 9

#7948575 - Thursday 29 October 2020 23:32

Find a better person to have a crush on.

RichardPencil | 28

#7948577 - Thursday 29 October 2020 23:41

Or maybe a worse person?

She'd improve her odds by lowering her standards, not raising them.

By demix_fml | 32

#7948578 - Thursday 29 October 2020 23:46

It’s a line that Luna says from HP.

By OrySoma | 8

#7948600 - Friday 30 October 2020 1:45

I mean atleast you're exceptional at something in their eyes?

By Gigi Hill | 6

#7948610 - Friday 30 October 2020 3:17

Did he mean extraordinary?

By bobsanction | 16

#7948751 - Friday 30 October 2020 19:22

At least you're exceptional at something.

By diraven | 10

#7948927 - Saturday 31 October 2020 16:40

Tell him to check out your butt