Animals: Today, my cat cracked my phone screen by sneezing on it. FML

By CatofSteel

Today, my cat cracked my phone screen by sneezing on it. FML

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Animals

Season finale

Privacy

Out of the frying pan

By ForeverAlone - Ukraine

Today, there was a big party at my workplace. The only person that was socializing with me in any way was my co-workers 4-year-old daughter. Before leaving, she drew smiley faces on plastic plates and napkins and gave them to me so I "will have some friends and not be all alone". FML

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By notkatvond - United States

Today, at my job at my tattoo parlor, yet another client offered to pay for his tattoo by "letting" me sleep with him. This client happens to be my boyfriend's best friend, whose girlfriend is having me tattoo his name on her wrist next week. FML

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By Evaki1 - Greece

Today, I had to explain to my little brother that my tampons weren't ear plugs. FML

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By its still broken - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my neighbor came over to borrow my lawnmower. As I have previously loaned it to him and he returned it broken, I refused. He then promptly ate the strawberries off my daughter's small strawberry plant and stormed off. FML

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By Cat Piss - United States - Lavon

Today, I was woken up to the sound of my cat peeing on the pillow next to mine. When I yelled at him, he jumped over my face and off the bed. He was still peeing the entire time. FML

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By ughhhh - United States

Today, my roommate's boyfriend told me he would be driving the several hours EVERY weekend to come see his girlfriend. As a couple, they are constantly all over each other, and can't seem to break out of the annoying baby talk voice. Plus, they like to kick me out of the room to do stuff. FML

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By mothapuka - United Arab Emirates

Today, I went to the mall with my mum. She had a few too many drinks the night before. As soon as we got into the mall, she puked. She walked around the mall with me, blowing chunks into a plastic bag. FML

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By mildlyconcussed - Italy - Somma Vesuviana

Today, I went to a gig. The drummer threw his drumsticks out at the end and I managed to catch one. With my face. Not only did I get a black eye, but the person next to me snatched the drumstick from my hands. FML

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By honeybee2487 - United States

Today, at work, I heard a weird sound coming from the ceiling. As I looked up to see what it was, a huge splash of water hit me in the face. I called mall maintenance to let them know. They told me they already knew about the leak... from the sewage line. FML

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By hoping to live to see next year

Thanks but no thanks.

Today, my son surprised me by waking me up to be first to greet me a happy birthday. He was with his marching band buddies in full battle gear, playing the chorus of Stars and Stripes Forever. In my bedroom. At 5am. FML

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By Flighted - Canada - Georgetown

Today, I had to suffer through a four hour flight beside my ex. Yesterday, I proposed, on the last day of our vacation. She said no. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fallbrook

Today, I found out that the piece of vacant land I purchased for $20,000 is illegal to build a house on, due to acreage restrictions. Thank you, realtor. FML

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By Glassjaw - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I had gotten tipsy and found ourselves in the bedroom. We started to fool around and she leaned over to put her watch on the nightstand. I tried to undo her bra, which surprised her, because she elbowed me in the nose so hard that I ended up passing out from the pain. FML

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By Can't Unsee

Today, my mother found my sex toys. To make me "feel better" she showed me hers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pekin

Today, I was at a football game with my boyfriend. I said my hands were getting cold, hoping he'd hold them. He replied, "Uh, they make pockets for a reason..." and physically showed me how to put my hands in my pockets. FML

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By smh - United States - Milltown

Today, my sister called me up extremely excited because she found out Flo Rida is from Florida. She's 22. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, I learned not to take sex tips from virgins seriously. "Have sex in the shower", they said. "It'll be fun", they said. Well they didn't take slippage into account. One busted nose and concussion later, I'm not seeing the "fun" part at all. FML

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By JeezyCherieze - United States

Today, my father, who I rarely see, drove 400 miles to my wedding. I was so happy to see him, until he got completely trashed at my reception, asked me where he could "score some weed" and told me what a bitch my mom was and how I needed to lose weight. For over an hour. At my wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend was saying how her "nano" died. I quickly responded by saying, "So? Recharge it." Turns out she didn't say "nano"; she'd said "nana." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Augusta

Today, and recently, many of my friends have been acting strangely. My birthday is coming up soon, so I thought maybe they were planning a surprise party. Nope. Turns out they've just been secretly hanging out without me. FML

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By not a brain cell in sight - United States - Muskegon

Today, my best friend called me a moron for disputing her belief that Canada is in South America. FML

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By hadtocleanthemess - Canada

Today, my dog got his head stuck in a container, panicked, and shat himself all over the living room. FML

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By peanutprobs - Germany - Bochum

Today, my friend took our prank war too far when he secretly added peanuts to my food. I have a peanut allergy. FML

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By eddiemusicjazz - United States - Azusa

Today, a week after I lost my wallet, replaced the majority of my ID cards, canceled my debit card, and went to the DMV and paid for a replacement driver's license, I found my wallet. It was in my shoe. FML

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By Anon - United States - Lansing

Today, I found out my husband has been catfishing my sixteen year-old brother for over a year. FML

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By _guy_j - United States - Glendora

Today, my brother got a job as an Uber driver. Now, whenever I need a ride from him, he insists I pay him money through the app. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend, when all of the sudden, my friend sends me an IM picture of a granny bending over which pops up on my screen. I think my sex life is ruined forever. FML

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By professionalmedicineman - United States - Arlington

Today, it was my first day at my new job as a receptionist at a small doctor's office. When the doctor's wife called and asked if he'd stepped out, I forgot the word "Doctor" and instead replaced it with, "medicine man". FML

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13013

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By Jennyfromdablock - United States

Today, I was making out with a really hot guy in a Jacuzzi. He had the biggest booger hanging out of his nostril, but I was too embarrassed to say anything to him about it. He went in for a kiss. Soon after our lips parted, he said, "Oh, you have big booger." FML

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By m2k - Canada

Today, the only person I actually spoke with was a prank caller. I tried to have a conversation with him, but he hung up on me. FML

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32388

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By Anonymous - United States - Stamford

Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML

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1592

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By nothesisforme - France

Today, I asked my professor for his opinion on the subject I plan to study in my thesis. Turns out, he likes it so much that he's going to steal it from me. FML

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36903

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By Anonymous - Australia - Townsville

Today, I quit my job so I wouldn't have to work with this one complete fuck-wit anymore. I told him what I thought of him, and then walked away giving him the middle finger. Turns out, he is a regular customer at my new job. Everyone loves him and thinks he's awesome. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was chastised by the CEO in the middle of a management meeting for showing up late to work every day, despite being in my office before 9:00am every morning. It was my 5th day on the job and no one had bothered to tell me that the office opens at 8:00am, and not 9:00am. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. I worked for my parents. FML

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By Cookie - South Africa

Today, my parents were coming to visit me at my brand new apartment. I made dinner and served them the cake my roomate had left for me in the fridge. Thirty minutes after they left, I was so baked that I couldn't think straight. I still don't know if my parents made it home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By ew - United States

Today, I realized that my dandruff issue was so horrible, that even my eyebrows have dandruff. FML

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By Un1ucky - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to make breakfast. Since I usually do all the cooking, I said that was fine. Four hours later, my boyfriend and I were sitting on the sidewalk across the street as the firemen sprayed down the burnt remains of our kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Fashionista

Today, it's my birthday. All I wanted was birthday sex, but all my boyfriend could talk about was how great the new purse he got me was. I think he might like it more than me. FML

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By Alyssa - Canada - Toronto

Today, I paid $50 on a haircut. Halfway through, I realized the hair dresser was drunk. FML

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Top comments

By RusticChick | 27

#7420758 - Sunday 5 March 2017 22:06

I am extremely curious how this happened.

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#7420773 - Sunday 5 March 2017 22:22

I'm guessing the cat sneezed and slammed its head against the phone screen by mistake? Poor cat.

COMMENTS

By RusticChick | 27

#7420758 - Sunday 5 March 2017 22:06

I am extremely curious how this happened.

griffind0rk | 10

#7420774 - Sunday 5 March 2017 22:27

Careful, it might kill you.

evilplatypus | 38

#7420802 - Sunday 5 March 2017 23:33

Yeah, I'm gonna need some follow up from OP on this one...

popularblock66 | 4

#7421246 - Monday 6 March 2017 22:37

I phones break easily so I'm guessing the cat sneezed on one

By Solano2580 | 24

#7420759 - Sunday 5 March 2017 22:09

That's what happens when you buy an Iphone.

LyricaSilvan | 29

#7420791 - Sunday 5 March 2017 23:09

The iPhone jokes are beyond old by now.

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#7420773 - Sunday 5 March 2017 22:22

I'm guessing the cat sneezed and slammed its head against the phone screen by mistake? Poor cat.

By Dark_Cecilia | 20

#7420781 - Sunday 5 March 2017 22:41

Thundercat?

By Jhk9000 | 23

#7420786 - Sunday 5 March 2017 22:48

I'm guessing that's a poor quality screen you got.

By grajax | 24

#7420809 - Sunday 5 March 2017 23:42

Are you sure it's not superman?

By great_nate | 22

#7420834 - Monday 6 March 2017 1:23

Dafuq did I just read???

By darshini_ii | 24

#7420885 - Monday 6 March 2017 4:15

Your cat has evolved. It's a mutant.

By sexualchoclate | 3

#7420888 - Monday 6 March 2017 4:30

It's an acid cat

By shekinahflame | 12

#7420893 - Monday 6 March 2017 5:17

its ok. my cat stepped on my old phone and web cracked it. she was so heavy one paw stepped on it and cracked while i slept