Animals: Today, my cat cracked my phone screen by sneezing on it. FML

By CatofSteel

Today, my cat cracked my phone screen by sneezing on it. FML

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Animals

Shark-infested offices

On the beat

Beggars can be choosers

By Anonymous - United States - Littleton

Today, my 14-year-old sister came into the bathroom while I was in it. When she saw me, she said sorry and left. Little did I know, she took my electric toothbrush to masturbate. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 13:58 - Germany - Ebersbach

Shove it, lady

Today, my neighbor complained that the trailers and sheds in my yard are ruining her view. The same neighbor who built her house right above my property, thereby ruining my view, and leaving not even enough space for a hedge in between. FML

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By kaybax - South Africa

Today, I gave my boyfriend the silent treatment. He put his Facebook status as "When your girlfriend finally shuts up for once". FML

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19047

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By fuzzy - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend is coming over. We haven't seen each other for a while so for a surprise, a few days ago, I decided to shave my pubic hair. I've come up in a huge rash that looks like some sort of infection. Not quite the sexy surprise I was hoping for. FML

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23593

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By Mike Polk - United States

Today, there was a guy following me, so to avoid him, I crouched down and basically waddled behind a wall to get past him. Sure enough, first thing I see when I get around the corner, while still waddling, was an unhappy midget couple staring right at me. FML

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31084

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By WhatADickens

The early bird gets the worm!

Today, after working on my novel for two years, I found out that another book has recently been published with an almost identical plot. I was going to submit it to a publisher in two days. FML

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By jenA - United States - Russellville

Today, I realized the fastest way to wake up isn't from an alarm clock. It's from the warm, wet sensation of your old and senile cat peeing on you and your bed. I swear he was smiling. FML

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By NatchezParadox

Tinder surprised

Today, I watched as my Tinder date arrived at the coffee shop and mistook another woman for me. He never realized she was the wrong girl, and they spent the entire date together before leaving. The only similarity between me and the other woman was our hair. FML

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2667

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By hugedissapointment - United States

Today, I had a girl come over to my house that I had been texting for four days. I asked her what she wanted to do and she replied "take a nap". Becoming really excited I lead her to my bedroom and went to the hiding spot for my condoms, she was serious about the nap. FML

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12886

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By thank u usa - Germany

Today, I came across a tourist in the street asking people for directions, but nobody understood him. I speak English, so I went to help the gentleman out. He said "Knock it off with the cheesy accent, pal" and informed me that my country is a shithole. FML

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44943

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I received a text from my girlfriend's female best friend that they have been dating for the last month. This was the week of our one year anniversary, and my birthday. We just moved into a duplex with my name on the lease. FML

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4065

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293

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By badwolf - United States

Today, I bought some bitter-apple spray to stop my puppy chewing on everything. Later, I found out how effective it was, when I tried to eat a sandwich, and gagged at the horrifying taste on my hands. My dog seems unaffected, and continues to chew the table legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23621

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By sportyhusband - United States

Today, I heard the sounds of women grunting in the living room. My husband knows I don't like him to watch porn, so I confronted him. He was masturbating to professional Women's tennis. FML

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14065

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By scatter00x - United States

Today, I woke up around 5am from a party I had last night, still quite drunk. This chick was lying next to me from the night before. I kissed her, and about a minute and a half into some heavy making out, she opened her eyes and said, "Oh, it's you." Then got up and walked out. FML

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By devinchi - United States

Today, my buddy told me he was going to get an HIV test at the health department. Without thinking, I told him to "think positive". FML

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33209

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By HeMayHaveSomeIssues - Denmark

Today, I left for work. Halfway to my car, my neighbour's son jumped out and emptied a bucket of water all over me. The little pissant screamed with laughter and ran back to his house. His mum's reaction was essentially "kids will be kids" and slamming the door on me. FML

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45204

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By bear - Norway - Bod?

Today, it's been three weeks since I started using a hair-growth shampoo in the hopes of combating my balding. All it's done so far is make the hair I do have monstrously bushy, both upstairs and down. FML

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21870

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By viviham - United States - Spring Branch

Today, I was working at the local liquor store. An obviously drunk girl stumbles in, grabs two cases of beer and puts them on the counter. Then she grabs a pregnancy test, pees on it right there, shows me, and says, "I'm not pregnant, I want beer." FML

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36642

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By Anonymous

Today, my sister gave me a early Christmas present. It's lice. FML

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6465

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By Anonymous - United States - Topeka

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting his parents. I'm nervous around them so he encouraged me to drink so I'd loosen up. I got so drunk I tore up all the things in his old room I thought were from ex-girlfriends and accidentally flashed his dad my crotch. FML

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By thisisavirus.exe - United States - Sherwood

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time. The first thing he did was show me a bullet, then he basically said that if I don't submit to his daughter's every whim, that bullet will end my life. FML

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46110

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By australian6196 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while on a road trip through Australia with my dad, we were both complaining that we had yet to see any kangaroos. Suddenly, we saw one up real close. The rental car saw it even closer. FML

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49665

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By hurricane0331 - United States

Today, a 75 year old lady drove into me. Her excuse was, "I wasn't looking." Awesome. FML

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39997

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By youreajoker - Australia

Today, I was at the doctors office after throwing up for the past week. My diagnosis? Apparently I'm the first pregnant man. After several minutes of me freaking out and him explaining how it was possible, he told me he was joking and that I'm fine, but my reaction was the best thus far. FML

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54438

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By Anonymous - United States - Worcester

Today, we had a safety meeting at my warehouse job. They had an entire power point based around their message, "Stop getting hurt; it costs the company too much money." FML

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42353

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By Anonymous

Stoner Logic

Today, I've been sleeping with my drug dealer from high school who I still buy pot from for the past week. He made me go down on him a few days ago and he smelled funny but I didn't say anything. Today, he told me he only showers 2-3 times a month and he thinks he's a genius for it. FML

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3152

You deserved it

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By Shocked

Why hello there...

Today, while looking at a house to buy, I opened a bathroom door. There was a naked man on the toilet. FML

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4601

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By qwerki4 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was coming home from work and saw an old couple overwhelmed by the number of people at the train station. It was peak hour and I decided to help them. As I went up to them, they said, "Get away, go mug someone else". FML

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21022

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By RetailScapegoat

Today, I was fired for job abandonment. Yesterday, my boss told me to go home early because we were so slow. After I reminded him, he laughed and said, "Oh yeah... You're still fired." FML

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4429

You deserved it

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By fishingforubies2 - Aruba - Oranjestad

Today, it was my first day working at a library. I expected it to be fun and peaceful, not to end up having to call the cops on a guy who started jerking off into a book. FML

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27868

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By Anonymous - United States - Rahway

Double dipping

Today, I found out that I mean nothing to the man I have loved for over a year. He has been taking vacations with another woman, and is in fact, on a vacation with her right now. FML

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1755

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a conference with my dad, my counselor, and my history and English teachers because my dad was "concerned" about my grades in those two classes. We talked for a while and it was going well, then my counselor asked what I wanted to study in college. I said I wanted to be a teacher. He laughed. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 7 months to come over on Valentine's Day so I can cook dinner for him. He asked if he could invite his wife over as well. Guess who's newly single right before Valentine's Day! FML

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4437

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By bobby - United States

Today, I went to lick the excess peanut butter off the knife after making a PB and J. Turns out the knife can and will cut your tongue, even though you don't think it will. FML

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11741

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By Anonymous - United States - Wooster

Today, we got new seats in class today. The guy placed next to me, turned, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "The balls are the warmest place on the body" while his hands were in his pants. I'm stuck next to him for the rest of the semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25712

You deserved it

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By NotGay - United States - Lake Zurich

Today, I decided to motivate myself to workout by looking at a picture of a guy with a six-pack on my computer screen while doing abs. My dad walked in after I finished and was still breathing heavily from working out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29055

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By vinniesuckmadack - United States

Today, I woke up to go to school. I was unbelievably tired, but I gathered the courage to go take my shower. I then took a long shower, cleaned up my room, got dressed, and ate breakfast. Going back to my room, I looked at the clock, which read 3:22 AM. FML

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47366

You deserved it

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By j0j0 - France

Today, I tried demonstrate to my little brother that, unlike what he sees in cartoons, it is impossible to slip on a banana peel. I'm not too sure he's convinced. FML

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9998

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By Anonymous

Today, while working at my dead-end call centre job that couldn't get any worse, I answered a call from a customer who was having loud sex. I still needed to sound professional and tell her when a product was released. FML

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4590

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that the landlord tenant act does not apply since I'm living in the same house as my landlord. She's making my life a living hell and breaking my things. I still have 3 months left in the contract. FML

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Top comments

By RusticChick | 27

#7420758 - Sunday 5 March 2017 22:06

I am extremely curious how this happened.

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#7420773 - Sunday 5 March 2017 22:22

I'm guessing the cat sneezed and slammed its head against the phone screen by mistake? Poor cat.

COMMENTS

By RusticChick | 27

#7420758 - Sunday 5 March 2017 22:06

I am extremely curious how this happened.

griffind0rk | 10

#7420774 - Sunday 5 March 2017 22:27

Careful, it might kill you.

evilplatypus | 38

#7420802 - Sunday 5 March 2017 23:33

Yeah, I'm gonna need some follow up from OP on this one...

popularblock66 | 4

#7421246 - Monday 6 March 2017 22:37

I phones break easily so I'm guessing the cat sneezed on one

By Solano2580 | 24

#7420759 - Sunday 5 March 2017 22:09

That's what happens when you buy an Iphone.

LyricaSilvan | 29

#7420791 - Sunday 5 March 2017 23:09

The iPhone jokes are beyond old by now.

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#7420773 - Sunday 5 March 2017 22:22

I'm guessing the cat sneezed and slammed its head against the phone screen by mistake? Poor cat.

By Dark_Cecilia | 20

#7420781 - Sunday 5 March 2017 22:41

Thundercat?

By Jhk9000 | 23

#7420786 - Sunday 5 March 2017 22:48

I'm guessing that's a poor quality screen you got.

By grajax | 24

#7420809 - Sunday 5 March 2017 23:42

Are you sure it's not superman?

By great_nate | 14

#7420834 - Monday 6 March 2017 1:23

Dafuq did I just read???

By darshini_ii | 24

#7420885 - Monday 6 March 2017 4:15

Your cat has evolved. It's a mutant.

By sexualchoclate | 3

#7420888 - Monday 6 March 2017 4:30

It's an acid cat

By shekinahflame | 12

#7420893 - Monday 6 March 2017 5:17

its ok. my cat stepped on my old phone and web cracked it. she was so heavy one paw stepped on it and cracked while i slept