Today, my cat cracked my phone screen by sneezing on it. FML

4800

549

Today, I had to explain to a lady that the reason I mindlessly touched my crotch was to itch a mosquito bite. She didn't believe me, and called me a pervert. FML

Animals

Hello everyone!

Trust

Clocked

By Anonymous - 2/9/2019 00:01 - Spain - Barcelona

Bitten

1279

472

Today, my 6 year old daughter walked in on my husband and I getting it on. Now she won't stop 'pretending to be daddy' against items of furniture. We have guests coming round in three hours. FML

By Jessica - 15/5/2009 00:03 - United States

34848

47349

Today, at work as an optician, I gave a little girl a new pair of glasses and asked her if she could see well with them. She replied, "Oh yes, you have two big spots on your nose!" FML

By jamjamy - 26/12/2008 04:53 - France

21936

2596

Today, my mom tried giving me the sex talk. Her version of "the talk" consisted of making me watch videos of guys jacking off and reassuring me that "it's natural." FML

By ReallyMom - 9/1/2014 21:48 - United States - Shawano

57504

5175

Today, after declining an amazing job offer that pays more than double what I make now in order to accept a promotion my boss offered me if I stayed, I asked when I would receive the promotion and pay raise. She snorted and said, "You thought I was serious about that?" FML

By Fackwork - 30/5/2012 09:37 - United States - Council Bluffs

33028

9990

Today, one of my tires blew out on the highway. I managed to slow down and pull over without dying, and went to get my spare tire. I found it right where it was supposed to be, knifed to hell and with a taunting note from my psycho ex taped to it. We broke up nearly 3 years ago. FML

By Milo - 2/6/2015 16:50 - Mexico - Mexico

31053

3277

Today, I was fired from my job. Why? My boss didn't like that my manager and I are friends outside of work, and he thinks we are sleeping together. She's gay and I live with my boyfriend of 5 years. He blamed it on me wearing the wrong shoes 3 weeks ago. FML

By Anonymous - 27/2/2019 18:00

2302

144

Today, I was in a restroom sitting on the toilet, when the guy right next to me noticed my AC/DC boxers around my ankles and started to sing "Back in Black." FML

By sofargone420 - 29/7/2011 14:27 - United States

29531

10486

Today, I told my younger brother that I'm a lesbian. Now he keeps asking me if I want to play rock, paper, vagina. FML

By Sarah - 9/4/2015 20:24 - United States - Minneapolis

31903

5431

Today, I complained to my boss about how my printer wasn't printing colored ink even though I had just installed a new cartridge yesterday. Upon investigation, she noted that I forgot to take off the protection sticker from the cartridge. Good job. FML

By MrandMrsRendon20 - 11/11/2010 00:26 - United States

7230

29738

Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML

By suze44 - 13/6/2011 14:22 - United States

44706

5259

Today, it marks the 3-month anniversary of adopting the 'I don't have the slightest chance at success' attitude at work. In those 3 months, my boss, my coworkers and my boss's boss have all agreed and our relationships have greatly improved. FML

By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 23:00

The sweet smell of unsuccess

1039

168

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time, after he repeatedly told me not to worry about bleeding, and reassuring me that he'd take care of me. He passed out halfway through. FML

By JoshuasGirl - 23/12/2013 19:13 - United States - Grand Rapids

53894

6409

Today, I was sitting in Walmart and I saw an attractive woman walking by. Being the single guy I am, I went up to her and asked if she needed help with carrying her groceries. She responded with "You know I'm a guy right?" FML

By Anonymous - 26/3/2011 06:24 - United States

35769

17303

Today, I had to sell my wedding ring to help me pay for my divorce. FML

By loser - 9/5/2011 21:12 - United States

45593

13018

Today, I was shocked to notice that my hair has started growing out entirely silver, supposedly due to pregnancy. I'm 19. Apparently, according to my aunt, "It runs in the family." FML

By Anonymous - 19/12/2014 10:41 - United States - Athens

33525

6697

Today, I picked up my daughter from preschool. Her teacher handed me her nap blankets and mentioned there was an extra article of clothing I might want to take home. I looked in-between the blankets and saw a pair of my giant granny panties that had gotten mixed in with her stuff. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2012 21:10 - United States - York

23720

4666

Today, I awoke to my husband talking to someone on the phone at 2am. I heard him say, "Baby you're making me hard." Immediately, I asked him who he was talking to. His response? "It's Jake, from State Farm." FML

By anonymous - 27/3/2013 23:55 - United States - Honolulu

88914

9140

Today, my boyfriend called me in the middle of the night and told me he got mugged and was on his way to the hospital. I told him to fuck off because that was a horrible April Fool's joke. He asked if I wanted to talk to the paramedic. I told him to stop bothering me. Turns out it was true. FML

By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 13:52 - United States

15936

139971

Today, due to a combination of boredom and a faulty hair dryer, I now have singed pubes and burned balls. FML

By testacular - 25/3/2014 21:20 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

24603

55580

Today, I had to tell a girl I liked she couldn't sleep over because I live with my parents. I'm 24. FML

By levit - 8/6/2009 07:32 - United States

28380

68064

Today, after having some drinks at the club, I went home with this awesome girl. When I woke up, I thought the house looked really familiar. It belonged to my ex's younger sister. FML

By sister sister - 25/11/2013 17:38 - United States - Rhinebeck

53709

19230

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to change the language setting on my phone to Mandarin. Unfortunately, neither of us knows Mandarin, and we can't change it back to English. FML

By damniphone - 29/6/2013 05:31 - Canada - Edmonton

44987

8680

Today, I misplaced my wallet. Fortunately, I knew exactly where it was. Unfortunately, I had just taken out the only form of picture ID that morning. I couldn't stop the finders from laughing as they saw my fake celebrity entertainment ID while I tried to convince them it was actually my wallet. FML

By starstruck - 20/11/2009 09:36 - France

9318

17954

Today, my extremely overweight roommate decided to not only be a nudist, but also to get in shape for his new lifestyle. He's been doing naked lunges in our room for the last twenty minutes. FML

By xXfloatingshitlogXx - 3/11/2012 16:04 - Norway - Jessheim

28968

2141

Today, I went to my new gynecologist. He has an eye twitch, and every time he asks about my genitals, he winks at me. FML

By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 03:35 - United States - Brandon

47822

4298

Today, I had to lie to my boyfriend about having plans on tonight so he'd think I had a life outside of him. All my "friends" are going to a party. I'm not invited. FML

By voltronn - 23/1/2010 05:04 - France

27901

6933

Today, I visited my girlfriend in the preschool she's interning at. She asked me to continue reading The Little Mermaid to her class, handing me the book. After the story, the whole class started to cry. She never told me to sugarcoat the ending and lie, Disney-style. FML

By I was just following orders! - 4/10/2018 12:00

3162

561

Today, my 5-year-old got carsick and lost his breakfast all over himself and the back seat. When I got home to clean him off and clean out the car, I discovered that construction workers hit a main water line while working on road expansion at the front of my neighborhood. We won’t have running water until 4 a.m. FML

By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 14:00

Let it mellow

1456

Today, I was fired from my job because I would "scare" the customers. Two days ago a coworker spilled fry oil onto the grill causing flames to singe my eyebrows and the front of my hair off. FML

By RandomLG94 - 31/10/2015 20:35 - United States - Columbia

25892

1550

Today, while volunteering at a local homeless shelter, I asked the woman next to me how long she'd been homeless. She works there. FML

By HomelessGirl1 - 21/5/2012 05:28 - United States - Las Vegas

23685

10774

Today, while I was working in a department store, two 15-year-old kids started having sex in a changing room. When I found them, the boy pulled out and said, "You want in, bitch?" I then had to prevent his jealous, half-naked girlfriend from murdering me. FML

By Anonymous - 24/5/2020 05:00

Get out

2055

148

Today, after having waited three long months, my shy girlfriend finally gave me a blowjob. Everything was going really well until I said, "Wow, you're really talented. Anyone would think you've been practicing your whole life." FML

By noname - 4/12/2008 05:55 - France

11582

61465

Today, I drank 1.5 litres of water. I didn't go to the bathroom for 9 hours. During my one hour trek home on public transport, I was busting to pee but I managed to hold it. Walking 200m from my bus stop to my house was agony, but I still held it. When I got to my front door I peed my pants. FML

By anon9876542 - 20/8/2009 11:02 - Australia

23019

45261

Today, I told my man I was feeling a lack of emotional closeness and dialogue in our relationship. I'd hoped for a comeback like, "So what do you need in order to change that?" Or even, "Aw, come here, let's cuddle!" Instead, I got a simple, "I don't." FML

By Anonymous - 5/8/2020 02:02

Empathy Man

1323

290

Today, I'm accused of vandalizing a cop car during a night of partying, and in so doing, violating my parole. While talking with my lawyer, who I spent all my savings on, I said he could hire better than his hideous secretary. Turns out she's his wife. I think I'm now more screwed than ever. FML

By jillie minaj - 9/7/2012 21:06 - United States

7079

60921

Today, I realized I spend way too much time on the computer. I grabbed the menu at the restaurant, glanced at the page, and tried to do CTRL+F to find seafood. Geek coming through! FML

By Hth - 15/1/2009 11:14 - United States

8982

29711

Today, after my girlfriend warned me she has the condition hypersexuality and like a fool I thought I’d landed on my feet, or on my back as it were, do you have any idea how bad sex is when you have it between 5 and 10 times a day for over a year? It’s basically a chore at this point. FML

By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 17:02

Too much of a good thing

1238

427

Today, my little sister randomly came up to me and said: "Aww, don't be sad. Even ugly people can get boyfriends." She then smiled, patted my back, and walked off. I wasn't actually sad before, but I am now. FML

By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 21:54 - United Kingdom - Southend

35159

3078

Today, I was at the book store when a book caught my eye: Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies. I wanted to look through the book but I was too nervous to pick it up, thinking everyone in the store would look at me. FML

By Mack - 9/9/2011 00:01 - Canada

34519

6077