By notapervert - United States - Santa Rosa

Small talk fail

Today, I managed to score a date for the first time in over a year, and was very nervous. When I was asked what I do for a living, I laughed nervously, and then blurted out, "Finger women." What I was trying to jokingly say was that I'm a gynecologist. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Walk on the wild side

Fear factor

By Anonymous - United States

Today, me and my co-workers were playing with the Helium tank we got today. We were all giggling like little girls for the better half of 15 minutes. I don't know what is more sad, that a bunch of guys were sucking helium instead of working, or that the youngest guy in the group is 43. FML

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By college student - United States - College Park

Today, at 12, I went for a run across campus.‬ Why? I'd realized my 12:30 exam was actually at 12.‬ ‪FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mansfield

Today, my wife brought my 5-year-old daughter to visit me at the office. My boss has a speech impediment, and when she heard it, she exclaimed, "Hey my daddy can sound just like you! Show him daddy! Show him!" FML

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By hobo no-no - 10/11/2020 08:00 - United States

Broke

Today, I saw my ex asking for change outside a store. I was so shocked and sad to see him in such a position, I offered to take him home with me, let him shower and cook him a good meal. He laughed in my face and said, "Nah, I just do this for some quick bucks. It’s easier than working." FML

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By what... - United States - North Port

Today, my boss took me to one side and said, "Cross me like that ever again, and you're fired." I have no clue what he was talking about, and he denies ever having said a word to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, on my way to a big convention in Chicago, I found out that when my friend said, "I live in Chicago," they really meant, "I live an hour and a half outside of Chicago." Hello traffic and hours of daily driving. FML

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By bloodless - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I went for bloodwork. It's routine for me, so I was ready for the nurse to put in the needle and take my blood. It went in fine, but right after, she slowly pulled the needle out, then wondered why the blood stopped. She then moved it back and forth in my arm while I panicked silently. FML

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By Shutup! - United Kingdom - London

Today, the fire alarm keeps going off at my apartment. Not only is the noise ear-piercingly loud enough to wake the entire neighbourhood, there's also a big flashing red light in case the deafening sound isn't enough. This is my day off. It's going on all day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Drunken antics

Today, after a 4 or 5 month-long dry spell, I woke up next to an amazing and beautiful woman. Neither of us were wearing pants. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Did I piss the bed?" FML

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By Anonymoosey - Canada

Relax

Today, I found out that my favorite song since I was a small child is actually about anal sex and delaying an orgasm. FML

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By Bad Artist - United States

Today, my friend sent me a link to a "horrible" tattoo that he found online, that a guy had gotten at my tattoo parlor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was fired from the trucking company I work for, due to numerous complaints about my reckless driving. I don't even do driving work there, but my ex keeps calling in to report me, and my boss wanted the calls to stop. FML

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By chee - United States

Today, I told my mom, "I love you". She responded with, "What? I never told you I loved you." FML

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By wtf is wrong with my country - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when I saw a really good deal on some bacon. Before I could take any, a huge-ass woman stormed over, kicked my cart down the aisle, and snatched every single packet for herself. And I actually got upset over this. FML

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By lagirl - United States

Today, I had a date with this really cute guy. He invited me over to make dinner at his place. Eventually we end up in his bedroom to have sex. He pulls down my panties and says, "You need to shave that shit." FML

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By NormtheNorm - United States - Enterprise

Bipartisan spirit

Today, I told my conservative friends over dinner that I was a bit of a liberal. They then went off on me about how liberals are lazy, stupid, and a financial burden on society. I was the only employed person at the table with a college degree and not living with my parents. FML

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By yeahthatsme - United States

Today, I placed a personal ad advertising myself as an overweight woman wanting sex. I sent pictures of me in lingerie to men who replied and was pleased that almost all were still interested. Then I sent face pics. As it turns out, being fat is not my problem. Apparently I'm ugly. FML

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By uglyswimmer - United States

Denied

Today, I was talking to a swimmer I just met. I saw a cute guy and whispered to her, "That guy is hot." She asked "Who?" I pointed at him. She turned to see him, then turned back to me and said "Ew, that's my brother." She went to him, whispered something. He turned around to see me and said, "EW." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my mother to tell her that I got engaged. In the 15 minute conversation that followed, 13 were spent listening to how this is going to affect her. FML

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By someone - Denmark

Today, I went to the dentist to get a hole in my tooth filled. After the dentist had injected the anesthetic into my gums, she realized that none of the electrical equipment were working. She sent me home. My entire right side of my face is completely numb and swollen for no reason. FML

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By Time for a haircut - United States

Today, I was getting out of my car, when my new neighbor asked if I'd help him unhitch a trailer. On my way over, he said, "Oh never mind, I thought you were a boy." I am a boy. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, I found out why my wife has been cold and distant lately. She went to a psycho fraudster - sorry, I mean "psychic medium" - who said I'm lusting after other women and am thinking about leaving her. She actually believed him. Now I'm considering leaving her for real. Well played, I guess. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a swim in his pool. I was hoping that the swim would be somewhat romantic, however, that came to an abrupt end when he decided that it would be cool and funny to try and lift me up by my boobs. FML

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By justgreatgirl - United States

Today, I found out that even after a really bad break up and the fact that I left him for someone else, my parents offered my ex-boyfriend to join us on a one week family vacation. He agreed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my concert tickets that I've been trying to find for the last 2 weeks in my mom's closet. When I asked why she had them, she said she felt the concert was inappropriate for me so she hid them. I'm 20. FML

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By baldintheback - United States

Today, my sister and I were reading the new FML posts. I sat close to the fan, and after a few minutes, I leaned against it for support. It immediatly sucked up my hair and started violently twisting it. My sister continued to read and shouted at me because my cries for help are distracting. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my wife and I almost got a divorce over a game of Yahtzee. FML

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By bf - Canada - London

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Dinner was going well until her dad secretly fed the asparagus to the dog under the table, and then "discovered" what a childish thing I had done. My girlfriend believed him. FML

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By lala - United States

Today, I used the Print Screen button to take a picture of a really cute bag that I want for my birthday. After emailing it to my mom, I noticed I'd forgotten to close another tab in the browser. The tab had a very suggestive title, for an even more suggestive website. FML

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By pigeons_suck - United States

Today, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus. More specifically, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus from being hit in the face by a pigeon that was deflected from the windscreen of a van moving at about 35mph. FML

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By Lifes_overated - Australia

Today, at a bus stop my friend told me that he loved me. I, reacting on impulse, told him how long I've wanted to hear him say that, and kissed him. Then I realised the look on his face. Turns out he'd said 'I need new shoes' not 'I love you.' FML

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By Well then

Today, I discovered that my fiancé and I had vastly different definitions of monogamy. Don't worry, he only did it when he was mad at me to remind him how much he loved me. I found out from my best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2020 20:01

Bustin' my ass

Today, I went in for an interview. While I was waiting to be called, I used the restroom. When I stood up to wipe, I slipped on the floor and fell ass first into the unflushed toilet. I was found an hour later, covered in my own shit and too injured to move. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, when I was at the gynecologist my dr told me that I was really tense and the exam would be impossible if I didnt relax. So I started thinking about my boyfriend to relax and my mind went back to our last sex session. I started getting wet. FML

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By stuff - United States

Today, I was calling my cable company to tell me how to fix my internet. I stayed on hold for almost half an hour, and then when someone finally picked up, my phone died. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jacinto

Today, while at a party playing Truth or Dare, I found out my best friend fantasizes about having sex with my 51 year old mother. The rest of the guys at the party then nodded in agreement and thus spawned a group conversation about how "screwable" my mom is. FML

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By Notadrinkanddriveidiot - United States

Today, some friends and I were pulled over on our way back from a party. We'd had a few drinks, so we tried to play it cool just in case we were over the limit. The cop didn't seem to want to breathalyze us, until my really high friend in the back seat said, "These are not the droids you are looking for." FML

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By EnglandRocks - Switzerland - Bern

Today, it is the one-year anniversary of my mother's death. It's also the day my father chose to announce his engagement to the whole family. FML

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By fredfredburger - United States - Imperial

Today, I went on a date with the girl I like, to see The Fault In Our Stars. She didn't cry, but I did. Twice, hard. FML

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Top comments

By newburton13 | 26

#5387084 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:07

Well...considering the sex stories on this website, you are someone's dream.

By zingline89 | 18

#5387092 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:10

Yeah I accidentally blurted out the same thing once on a date. Except I was an accountant at the time so the mistake wasn't as easily explainable...

COMMENTS

By newburton13 | 26

#5387084 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:07

Well...considering the sex stories on this website, you are someone's dream.

Reply

billyz77 | 24

#5387388 - Thursday 28 February 2013 20:41

But lately they've all been a bit too scatological for me.

Reply

jbsington | 8

#5387829 - Friday 1 March 2013 5:10

Someone's... wet dream?

Reply

lambda_fml | 40

#5388690 - Friday 1 March 2013 20:10

So OP is basically a Pussy Vet?

By HowieDoIt | 21

#5387087 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:08

Let me tell you gyno woman wants to hear that kind of talk!

Reply

Blacksabbath211 | 9

#5387242 - Thursday 28 February 2013 18:19

Butt most women like a guy with a gyno-mite sense of humor. Just bad lucky, my friend.

Reply

Blacksabbath211 | 9

#5387245 - Thursday 28 February 2013 18:22

*But
*bad luck

Reply

crazytwinsmom | 25

#5387357 - Thursday 28 February 2013 20:12

I thought the 'butt' was an intentional pun.

Reply

trivel64 | 16

#5387472 - Thursday 28 February 2013 23:07

I guess it was punintentional.

Reply

Me1977 | 8

#5387513 - Friday 1 March 2013 0:17

I think you might need to see a different gynecologist...

By AH1Zviper | 15

#5387088 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:08

Some women love that stuff. Did you get lucky?

Reply

iAlissa | 34

#5387145 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:44

Because this is an FML, I don't think he got anything more than a weird look.

Reply

puzzle05 | 9

#5387221 - Thursday 28 February 2013 17:53

Tell me which woman actually likes going to the Gynecologist and getting probed by those duck clamps...

Reply

AH1Zviper | 15

#5387504 - Friday 1 March 2013 0:02

Let me reword my comment.
" Some women love that stuff. Some don't. Most don't. They don't." Better?

By emeraldisle | 30

#5387089 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:09

I don't think you should be telling that kind of joke on a first date.

Reply

jojimugo | 20

#5387438 - Thursday 28 February 2013 22:13

Or the Second or third of you're lucky

Reply

TheElBurrrito | 21

#5387942 - Friday 1 March 2013 6:29

What gave that away, #4?

By Schiffy | 18

#5387090 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:09

I'm sure that one ended in a good laugh..... assuming she didn't slap you and walk out.

Reply

BunchieRules | 31

#5389409 - Saturday 2 March 2013 10:44

I would assume the latter, since this is an FML.

By zingline89 | 18

#5387092 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:10

Yeah I accidentally blurted out the same thing once on a date. Except I was an accountant at the time so the mistake wasn't as easily explainable...

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5387216 - Thursday 28 February 2013 17:49

Could have said, "I'm not a gynecologist but I'll still take a look! :P

Reply

perdix | 29

#5387247 - Thursday 28 February 2013 18:25

#6, ratting them out to the IRS? That kind of fingering?

Reply

zingline89 | 18

#5387250 - Thursday 28 February 2013 18:42

No that would be fucking them.

By sugarbear0727 | 19

#5387098 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:10

That sucks. Just explain that you were nervous. It happens.

By BadApple88 | 29

#5387104 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:12

A sense of humor goes a long way

By perdix | 29

#5387105 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:12

I'm sure your patients will be thrilled to know how you perceive your job.

They pay you to get fingered when they can easily get that for nothing, plus get dinner and a movie out of the deal.

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5387124 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:19

Only difference is, who has the choice to finger the blue waflle.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5387140 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:30

#12, that's why they get paid the big bucks. It sounds like a dream job until you realize that very few of your patients are going to come in shaved and waxed like a porn star. Not to mentioned the diseased hoo-hahs!

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5387148 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:46

damn it prefix, you weren't supposed to mention that!!

Reply

TheRandomIndian | 17

#5387171 - Thursday 28 February 2013 17:07

Prefix

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5387204 - Thursday 28 February 2013 17:41

Hey, most women I know shave before the gynecologist visit. Plus when she changes out of her street wear, she'll hide her undies under her clothing. God forbid the doctor know what type of panties she wears! (:

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5387218 - Thursday 28 February 2013 17:52

Don't worry 36 the doc won't tell everyone about your hello kitty pan.. I mean look a pie!

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5387229 - Thursday 28 February 2013 18:04

Prefix??? I blame autocorrect and my inattentiveness.
Sorry Perdix

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5387231 - Thursday 28 February 2013 18:08

"She's my cherry pie
Cool drink of water such a sweet surprise"

**Stay focused, Doctor!

Reply

glittercookies | 12

#5387339 - Thursday 28 February 2013 19:50

Hah! I hide my undies under my clothes during the appointment.

Reply

little_one | 20

#5389004 - Saturday 2 March 2013 2:51

The look on the gyno's face when they see my metal is hilarious I once had a doctor nudge it and say "Soooo when did you get that?!?" I have a VCH you can choose to google it but I won't promise the pictures are pretty...

Reply

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#5389286 - Saturday 2 March 2013 7:04

97; If even you don't find the pictures pretty then why did you get one?

By fksfsdhfsdfh | 26

#5387118 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:16

Thats not very professional...

Reply

happle | 21

#5387164 - Thursday 28 February 2013 17:03

I don't think dates are meant to be professional.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5387410 - Thursday 28 February 2013 21:19

Well, there are people who date professionally: whores.