By notapervert - United States - Santa Rosa

Small talk fail

Today, I managed to score a date for the first time in over a year, and was very nervous. When I was asked what I do for a living, I laughed nervously, and then blurted out, "Finger women." What I was trying to jokingly say was that I'm a gynecologist. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Reverse psychology

Live from Salt Lake City

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I introduced my dad, who is a surgeon, to the TV show House. I thought it'd be a good bonding experience. How wrong I was. He spent the whole time yelling about the "insane" medical inaccuracies, then lectured me about my crappy taste in TV. FML

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By Michael tee - United States

Today, I asked my dad if I was a planned baby. He asked me if the crazy drunken party he and my mom had nine months prior to my birth counted. FML

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By shway - United States

Today, I was at the grocery with my 4 year old daughter. She needed me to tie one of her shoes so I bent down. When I was done, I tickled her under the armpit and she screamed "Don't touch me there!". Everyone in the store turned to stare. FML

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By fuckdubstep51 - United States - Willingboro

Today, my boss gave me a warning for "insulting our best customer" after she saw a comment on her customer card saying "stop giving this fat bitch free samples." My boss had written it in the first place, but refuses to either remember or admit it. FML

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By ocdistheworst - United States - Gardena

Today, I was formally diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive tendencies. My mom saw this as an excuse to make me clean the whole house top to bottom, because "Hey, you love to clean." FML

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By Zanovitch - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, my mom asked me, once again, if my girlfriend of almost a year is just a cover up for being gay. FML

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By a7xforever - United Kingdom

Get out

Today, I got to my weekly drama group a bit late. Everyone looked surprised when I walked in. Casually, I sat down and apologised for being late. I thought everyone looked awkward, probably because it turned out I'd been kicked out of the group. The teacher had decided to announce it before making sure I'd got the email. FML

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By ramis182 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was not yet wearing my bouncer uniform when a fight broke out at a club. I intervened, only to have the cops who showed up tase me because they thought I was part of it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

The straights are at it again

Today, I went on a Grindr date with a really cute guy. I thought things went really well. When he dropped me off at home, he told me not to text him anymore because his wife might get mad. FML

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By bianca131 - Australia

Today, I was having sex with someone I've been casually seeing. He got all weird during it, and said, "That's a good girl". Once he left, I told my housemates about it. Now every time I do something nice for them, they respond, "That's a good girl". FML

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By yuck - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was out riding and a seagull pissed on me. It got in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rocky Point

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend doggy-style. I was getting close when he suddenly blurts out, "Babe, you really need to bleach your asshole." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my friends were convinced that I was gay. I have known most of them for 3 plus years, they all thought my girlfriend was a special shopping partner. I found this out while announcing my engagement. FML

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By DrGas - United States

Today, while giving a lecture about gases to a large chemistry class, I went outside to let loose an unusualy loud fart while they took some notes. I came back in only to see 300 students dying of laughter. I had left the wireless mic on. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, an unknown number left me a lengthy voicemail of what sounds like two people having sex. This is the closest I've gotten to real-life sex in 2 years. I listened to it three times. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that my parents are planning to divorce. My dad said, "I'll take Rachel." Rachel isn't even his daughter; I am. Rachel is my mom's daughter with her first husband. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realized the cute guy in my Spanish class only talks to me so he can steal my answers. He asked if I'd give him the answers for the final as well. FML

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By TheNaturalOrderofThingsSucks - United States - Seattle

Today, after pouring my heart out to a beautiful girl on Facebook, and having her return the favor, she typed a final message that read, "That was my friend. Please f*ck off now. Thanks." FML

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By whiteboyfresh69 - United States

She likes it!

Today, while sleeping off my hangover, my niece asked me to get her a drink. I gave her a beer, I didn't notice it until it was gone. She is only 6 years old. FML

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By couldntholdit - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy that I really like. When he gave me a hug goodbye, he slid his hand into the back pocket of my jeans. It was glorious until I farted on his hand. FML

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By me - United States - Wyandotte

Today, my husband and I were pulled over by a cop. He was still angry from our earlier argument over his constant freeloading, and when the cop told him we'd been doing 75 in a 55, he retorted, "Yeah? I did 75 in your mom last night, fuzzball." One more ticket I have to pay for. FML

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By StillFriendless

Today, I was so desperate for a friend that I posted a Craigslist ad to find one. Now my phone's filled with spam and I still don't have any friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2020 23:01

Traditional values

Today, the seemingly normal guy I've been dating for a while told me he is a wolf spirit in a human body to bridge the gap of his ancestors and humans. What?! FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to visit a client because his printer had broken down. After driving for an hour, then being screamed at about how horrible my company's service is, I walked over to his printer and found the problem: there was no paper loaded. FML

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By Kay

Today, I was sitting on the toilet with a really bad and noisy stomach upset. Then I hear a knock on the bathroom door. My boyfriend had decided to make a surprise visit. FML

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By Username

Today, I now know why my next-door neighbour can't look me in the eye without smirking. He can hear every grunt, groan, fart and strain that happens in my bathroom from his bathroom. FML

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By lalararara - United States

Today, I got a 95 on my term project. To congratulate me, my boyfriend said we're having sex tonight. I only get laid if I get good grades. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2021 00:30

Infectious laugh

Today, I'd always been scared of meeting someone from Tinder, so I was really reassured when my first Tinder date went really well. I kept seeing the guy. He then gave me herpes. FML

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By Blah - United States

Today, I had to go to my son's school for career day, I explained what a banker does and then I asked if anyone had a question, one boy raised his hand and asked "When are all the cool parents gonna come?" FML

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By Erica - Australia - Sydney

Today, not only did I find out that my 13 year old daughter is pregnant, I found out that she did it on purpose ‘to prove that she’s responsible’. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elmwood Park

Today, I was at a diner with friends when we decided to put our phones in the middle of the table on the basis that whoever looks at theirs first has to pay. It was going well, until someone rushed up behind me, slammed my face into the table and ran out with our 4 phones. FML

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By unsuckable - United States - Denver

Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was getting ready for my first date with a boy I really like when my dad insisted on meeting him. My dad is super protective and a cop. He cleaned his gun in front of my date and made it clear he had to be careful with me. My date started to cry when we got to the car. FML

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By KismetSiren - United States - Hoffman Forest

Today, I told my mother I got engaged. Her reply was a great heaving sigh, followed by ,"OK… So how's work going?" She showed more excitement last week when my brother managed to properly make Kraft macaroni. FML

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By Mitcha857 - United States

Today, I had my back waxed to deal with the uncontrollable hair growth. Afterwards, I broke out in numerous pimples where the hair used to be. Basically, a lose-lose situation. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2020 02:02

Cuties

Today, I shaved my penis and balls. When my girlfriend saw, she said, "You look like my little brother." He's 6 years old. FML

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By Thescarlettfox - 17/9/2020 16:58

Now Playing

Today, my eleven-year-old cousin, who lives with me, has discovered Old Town Road. He’s been playing it for four hours on repeat and I’m ready to scream. FML

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By Notthatone - United States - Madison

Today, I came out as bisexual to my 17-year-old sister. She was quiet for a second, then told me she knows for sure I only have "girl parts". I had to explain to her the difference between being bi and being a hermaphrodite. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Carmel

Today, I accidentally ran a stop sign. It wouldn't have been so bad if the stop sign hadn't been in a traffic cop's hands. FML

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By badboyfriends - United States

Today, my best friend got a new boyfriend. She asked him what he wanted for his upcoming birthday, and he said he just wanted to hang out with her and watch a movie or two. I thought it was sweet, so I asked my boyfriend what he would like for his upcoming birthday. He said a blow job. FML

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Top comments

By newburton13 | 26

#5387084 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:07

Well...considering the sex stories on this website, you are someone's dream.

By zingline89 | 18

#5387092 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:10

Yeah I accidentally blurted out the same thing once on a date. Except I was an accountant at the time so the mistake wasn't as easily explainable...

COMMENTS

By newburton13 | 26

#5387084 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:07

Well...considering the sex stories on this website, you are someone's dream.

Reply

billyz77 | 24

#5387388 - Thursday 28 February 2013 20:41

But lately they've all been a bit too scatological for me.

Reply

jbsington | 8

#5387829 - Friday 1 March 2013 5:10

Someone's... wet dream?

Reply

lambda_fml | 40

#5388690 - Friday 1 March 2013 20:10

So OP is basically a Pussy Vet?

By HowieDoIt | 21

#5387087 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:08

Let me tell you gyno woman wants to hear that kind of talk!

Reply

Blacksabbath211 | 9

#5387242 - Thursday 28 February 2013 18:19

Butt most women like a guy with a gyno-mite sense of humor. Just bad lucky, my friend.

Reply

Blacksabbath211 | 9

#5387245 - Thursday 28 February 2013 18:22

*But
*bad luck

Reply

crazytwinsmom | 25

#5387357 - Thursday 28 February 2013 20:12

I thought the 'butt' was an intentional pun.

Reply

trivel64 | 16

#5387472 - Thursday 28 February 2013 23:07

I guess it was punintentional.

Reply

Me1977 | 8

#5387513 - Friday 1 March 2013 0:17

I think you might need to see a different gynecologist...

By AH1Zviper | 15

#5387088 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:08

Some women love that stuff. Did you get lucky?

Reply

iAlissa | 34

#5387145 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:44

Because this is an FML, I don't think he got anything more than a weird look.

Reply

puzzle05 | 9

#5387221 - Thursday 28 February 2013 17:53

Tell me which woman actually likes going to the Gynecologist and getting probed by those duck clamps...

Reply

AH1Zviper | 15

#5387504 - Friday 1 March 2013 0:02

Let me reword my comment.
" Some women love that stuff. Some don't. Most don't. They don't." Better?

By emeraldisle | 30

#5387089 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:09

I don't think you should be telling that kind of joke on a first date.

Reply

jojimugo | 20

#5387438 - Thursday 28 February 2013 22:13

Or the Second or third of you're lucky

Reply

TheElBurrrito | 21

#5387942 - Friday 1 March 2013 6:29

What gave that away, #4?

By Schiffy | 18

#5387090 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:09

I'm sure that one ended in a good laugh..... assuming she didn't slap you and walk out.

Reply

BunchieRules | 31

#5389409 - Saturday 2 March 2013 10:44

I would assume the latter, since this is an FML.

By zingline89 | 18

#5387092 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:10

Yeah I accidentally blurted out the same thing once on a date. Except I was an accountant at the time so the mistake wasn't as easily explainable...

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5387216 - Thursday 28 February 2013 17:49

Could have said, "I'm not a gynecologist but I'll still take a look! :P

Reply

perdix | 29

#5387247 - Thursday 28 February 2013 18:25

#6, ratting them out to the IRS? That kind of fingering?

Reply

zingline89 | 18

#5387250 - Thursday 28 February 2013 18:42

No that would be fucking them.

By sugarbear0727 | 19

#5387098 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:10

That sucks. Just explain that you were nervous. It happens.

By BadApple88 | 29

#5387104 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:12

A sense of humor goes a long way

By perdix | 29

#5387105 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:12

I'm sure your patients will be thrilled to know how you perceive your job.

They pay you to get fingered when they can easily get that for nothing, plus get dinner and a movie out of the deal.

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5387124 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:19

Only difference is, who has the choice to finger the blue waflle.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5387140 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:30

#12, that's why they get paid the big bucks. It sounds like a dream job until you realize that very few of your patients are going to come in shaved and waxed like a porn star. Not to mentioned the diseased hoo-hahs!

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5387148 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:46

damn it prefix, you weren't supposed to mention that!!

Reply

TheRandomIndian | 17

#5387171 - Thursday 28 February 2013 17:07

Prefix

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5387204 - Thursday 28 February 2013 17:41

Hey, most women I know shave before the gynecologist visit. Plus when she changes out of her street wear, she'll hide her undies under her clothing. God forbid the doctor know what type of panties she wears! (:

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5387218 - Thursday 28 February 2013 17:52

Don't worry 36 the doc won't tell everyone about your hello kitty pan.. I mean look a pie!

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5387229 - Thursday 28 February 2013 18:04

Prefix??? I blame autocorrect and my inattentiveness.
Sorry Perdix

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5387231 - Thursday 28 February 2013 18:08

"She's my cherry pie
Cool drink of water such a sweet surprise"

**Stay focused, Doctor!

Reply

glittercookies | 12

#5387339 - Thursday 28 February 2013 19:50

Hah! I hide my undies under my clothes during the appointment.

Reply

little_one | 20

#5389004 - Saturday 2 March 2013 2:51

The look on the gyno's face when they see my metal is hilarious I once had a doctor nudge it and say "Soooo when did you get that?!?" I have a VCH you can choose to google it but I won't promise the pictures are pretty...

Reply

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#5389286 - Saturday 2 March 2013 7:04

97; If even you don't find the pictures pretty then why did you get one?

By fksfsdhfsdfh | 26

#5387118 - Thursday 28 February 2013 16:16

Thats not very professional...

Reply

happle | 21

#5387164 - Thursday 28 February 2013 17:03

I don't think dates are meant to be professional.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5387410 - Thursday 28 February 2013 21:19

Well, there are people who date professionally: whores.