Today, I went to pick up my car from where I parked it last night....

By hunnybaby0319 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my car from where I parked it last night. I walked over to my parking spot only to find a vegetable stand there in its place. Apparently, that's the location of the Saturday Market and they had my car towed. FML

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Money

There's no helping some people

Always ask for documentation

Great quality control

By ImOverHere - United States - Whitehouse

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with candles and a sexy outfit. When he came in, he insisted that we needed music to help set the mood. Thirty minutes later, he's still searching for a song. FML

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By de-ow-dorant

Today, as I was putting on deodorant, I sneezed the hardest I've ever sneezed before. I ended up pulling a muscle in my shoulder. FML

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By off the family

Today, my daughter apparently have had enough of my mother-in-law's favoritism and constant bashing at me by going: "Grandma, might I highly recommend death at this point." She's 7. FML

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By Andre - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket while standing beside my car. FML

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By neveragain89 - Australia

Today, I had shelves installed using a builder who came highly recommended by my co-worker. Turns out the builder is her friend, who has no actual qualifications or experience as a builder, but 'it's his dream'. I now have a gaping hole in my kitchen where the shelves should be. FML

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By Ellen - United States

Today, I learned that you should always make sure the car is in 'park' before you get it on wildly in it. FML

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By kat - Reserved

Today, a client stared at me in disbelief after I mentioned that I had a boyfriend. FML

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By well then - United States - Forest Park

Today, my girlfriend randomly confessed to basically having a "phobia" of monogamy. But don't worry, she defensively assured me she's never ever cheated on me, even though I never said she had, so I guess that's okay then. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mansfield

Today, my wife brought my 5-year-old daughter to visit me at the office. My boss has a speech impediment, and when she heard it, she exclaimed, "Hey my daddy can sound just like you! Show him daddy! Show him!" FML

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By FUCK GOD - Argentina - Salta

Today, for the first time in weeks, my wife felt frisky, and we started fooling around. Half-way through undressing me, she bolted out, claiming she had the shits. About five minutes later, she tearfully called out from the bathroom, begging me to bring her a fresh roll of toilet paper. FML

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By Finesse7791 - United States

Today, my friend called saying she was gathering all her girlfriends for a girl's night out. I was thrilled with the idea and started to think of something to wear. She then asked if I would mind watching her son. FML

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By yulis - United States - Hagerstown

Today, I got pulled over on the highway for going over the speed limit. The cop seemed nice, and I was sure he'd let me off with a warning, until my husband piped up with, "Didn't think you folks came out this far. What, the donut store got shut down or some shit?" I got the ticket. FML

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By Samipearl - United States

Today, while at a restaurant with my boyfriend, a piece of ice got stuck in my throat. I couldn't get his attention until after it melted because he was busy checking in on foursquare. When he finally noticed my freaking out and I told him what had happened, he laughed. FML

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By Raaar - United States

Today, I went to a concert. Knowing these concerts usually include a lot of black lights, I decided to wear a black T-shirt so I wouldn't glow. I was having a good time, but about halfway through I noticed someone pointing to my shoulder. I looked down to see my dandruff glowing. FML

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By FML FML FML!!

Today, we had to do a scene from Romeo and Juliet. I was Romeo, and this really pretty girl was Juliet. When she found out she was with me, I heard her say "FML." FML

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By nick - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I refused to serve a woman alcohol, as she looked underage. She complained to my manager about "age racism". FML

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By negin

Today, my neighbors got a rooster. FML

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By muffins - United States - Potomac

Today, while working my shift at the grocery store, we ran out of muffins. I'm a little overweight, and I guess that's the reason an irate customer accused me of eating all of them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding my bike and stopped at a street light. A little girl looked at me, then asked her mother, "Mommy, why does that girl have a ring through her nose?" Her mother then replied, "Because her parents don't love her." FML

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By Marco

Today, the bank I use lost 5 billion. FML

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By graphite01 - United States - Eugene

Today, I found out that I was never actually enrolled in the class I've been attending all semester. I guess that explains why I only got $400 dollars in student aid, not the 1,200 they said I'd get. FML

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By Face - Australia

Today, I got hit in the face with a piece of bacon. FML

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By firedupasshole - 27/7/2020 05:01

Make your mind up

Today, while taking to-go orders at my restaurant, a customer called saying he wanted his food well done. He even said, “Burn it to a crisp.” Which is what I told the kitchen. When he came to pick it up, he opened his food, inspected it and screamed, “Not this burned, you damn retard!” and threw it at me. FML

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By ForeverAGirlfriend - United States - Aliquippa

Today, while vacationing with my boyfriend of 9 years, he started writing "Wi" in the sand. I instantly hoped he was going to propose by writing, "Will you marry me" on the beach. He spelled out "wiener" instead. FML

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By One less friend... - United States - Schnecksville

Today, thinking my ex-gothic friend was going through another "wear all black" phase, I walked up to her and jokingly asked who died. Her father. Her father died. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2020 02:04 - United States - Houston

Fundies say the darndest things

Today, I opened a lesson with the phrase, "As we all know, the world is over 4 billion years old." One of my students immediately snorted and said, in all seriousness, that I was wrong, and that the Earth is only 6000 years old. A few of his classmates agreed. I teach geology at university. FML

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By DamnMyOvaries - United States - Groves

Today, I fainted in the lunch line at school due to extreme period cramps, and ended up having to get seven stitches on my face. This is the third time I've fainted because of my period this year. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, my sculpture, which is very important for my art grade, fell from my desk and broke to pieces. My art teacher suggested I soak the parts in water to make it easier to stick them back together. They dissolved. FML

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By unluckysamaritan - Sweden - H??r

Today, someone stole my purse and phone while I was giving CPR to someone who had a heart attack on the subway. FML

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By fatto - Sweden

Today, I got up very early to join my fit, slim, husband for a morning walk, since I work from home, order food to be delivered, and barely leave the couch. Afterwards, he biked off to work, and I went straight back to bed. With some candy. Small steps, I guess. FML

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By ThanksMom - United States - State College

Today, while taking out the trash late at night with my mom, a group of people drove by and decided it would be funny to turn around and chase us up the driveway in their car. Before I even realized what was happening, my mom was already halfway to the house yelling back, "You're on your own!" FML

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By better late than never

Today, and for the first time in months, I woke up feeling well rested and ready to face the day. At 7pm. FML

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By windsoffate - United States - Portland

Today, as I was getting ready for work, I heard a noise almost like someone was puking all over the bathroom floor. When I went to check, my 14-year-old son was puking all over the bathroom floor. The toilet, however, was pristine. FML

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By piercednipple - United States - Woodbridge

Today, my docile gerbil was startled by a car alarm. He dove into my tank top and bit straight through my nipple. FML

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By bw9669 - Canada

Today, I had to cancel all of the plans to go away on a romantic weekend with my boyfriend. My parents are going out of town for a night and I have to stay home a babysit my little sister. She's 19. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while driving I made a fake phone call with my fake boyfriend, making him sound amazing to my friends who were in the car with me. Until the red and blue flashing lights pulled up behind us. My fake boyfriend cost me $160 in real fines. FML

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By thebigguy

Today, as it's been a long time since I've been with a woman, I decided to enlist the services of an escort. Upon my arrival, she looked at me and said, "Honey, we are going to need a bottle of whiskey and an extra $100." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took a nap with a kitten I just adopted from my mom's house. To make her feel more comfortable, I took a nap with her on my bed. In my dream, I kept smelling poo and I felt around on the bed to find the kitten. She apparently had diarrhea on my bed and I had stuck my hand in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Northbrook

Today, after trying to convince my girlfriend to have sex for almost 16 months, she finally said yes. I couldn't get it up the second she said it. FML

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By You Are My Sunshine - United States - Moreno Valley

Today, a guy from work that I barely know gave me sunflowers for my birthday. He told me, "You mentioned they were your favorite." I mentioned it to my family at home a few days ago. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#1489372 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:15

Lettuce all learn a lesson from the pickle you're in. You can't beet City Hall, so I hope you relish your walk. Orange you mad that they towed your lemon?

By illmatic2 | 16

#1489154 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:43

Ironicaly, that was not a healthy decision.

COMMENTS

By illmatic2 | 16

#1489154 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:43

Ironicaly, that was not a healthy decision.

bigbadtim | 7

#1489312 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:07

LOL

Icyyy | 0

#1490185 - Sunday 3 October 2010 5:36

Win xD

KCTruth4 | 0

#1490321 - Sunday 3 October 2010 7:12

HAHA SUPER WIN

cessily | 8

#1490372 - Sunday 3 October 2010 7:49

LOLYES

By EmoOrange | 0

#1489162 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:44

Someone shoulda told you op. fyl.

PizzaGuy11 | 0

#1495506 - Monday 4 October 2010 8:28

YDI for not buying some fruit.

EmoOrange | 0

#1498805 - Monday 4 October 2010 21:55

Or maybe they bought a fruit they are allergic to.

By 5t3ff1k4h | 44

#1489164 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:44

Usually there'd be something in the area advising you of the Market dates/times. YDI

By Cinn_fml | 22

#1489172 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:45

I find this amusing, sucks that they towed your car though. You sure there was nothing mentioning times of use or anything?

By marmlr339 | 14

#1489192 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:48

was there no sign that said "no parking"???

By officeradvil | 8

#1489242 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:59

Don't piss on fruit.

By thedopetroll | 0

#1489281 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:03

Have a good time driving your vegetable, looser.

By bigbadtim | 7

#1489327 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:08

Better get to the impound lot before they SQUASH your car.

illmatic2 | 16

#1489342 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:11

I wonder what kind of car op has. I bet it has a V8.

bigbadtim | 7

#1489404 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:22

Does a Fusion have a V8?

illmatic2 | 16

#1489497 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:40

I don't know, but they do run very smoothiely.

Stupified | 0

#1489502 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:41

What's up with all the puns? Y'all are copycats. You just don't appreciate the fruits of my labor. I clearly beet you guys with my lively animal comment in the othe FML. Would it have bean that hard to not steal my idea?