Today, I went to pick up my car from where I parked it last night....

By hunnybaby0319 - 2/10/2010 22:07 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my car from where I parked it last night. I walked over to my parking spot only to find a vegetable stand there in its place. Apparently, that's the location of the Saturday Market and they had my car towed. FML

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Money

Long story short

In my day…

Business savvy

By KBL3 - 11/8/2010 09:16 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started talking to my breasts in public. As if that wasn't bad enough, he then started to jiggle them in his hands. FML

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By ofcourse - 13/9/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I got a promotion to management at work. My employer decided to give the 'non-management' employees a really nice raise. Which means the job I had before my promotion is now paying more than the job I have now. Did I just get demoted? FML

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By sunny_ca559 - 3/3/2010 01:03 - United States

Today, my husband admitted to me that he has a mental block about touching my boobs, because he's afraid that breast milk is going to spurt out at him. I had my son 5 months ago and I don't breast feed. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2013 20:25 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my mum made me take her poodle on a walk, which she'd dressed in a tiara and a pink dog dress. Being a 19-year-old guy, I was pissed. After I got home, I saw that my mom had filmed me from the window and posted it to Facebook, to everyone's great delight. FML

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By Familyskank - 6/5/2009 16:57 - United States

Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML

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By Username - 13/5/2011 08:13

Today, I was driving along when the car in front of me ran over an animal. I only realised this when a chunk of flesh and blood landed on my windscreen. I put my wipers on to get rid of it but instead it got stuck underneath the wipers and smeared all over the screen. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2015 03:29 - United States - Panora

Today, I took an online IQ test, even though I knew they give everyone unrealistically high scores. My score was 73. FML

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By LosTits - 3/9/2009 17:38 - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend after not seeing him for 7 months. During this time I have lost a lot of weight and am proud of it. My boyfriend didn't say anything about the lost weight. When we were alone and things started to heat up, he took off my bra and said "I think your tits are smaller." FML

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By food critic - 22/12/2016 14:26 - Australia - Ryde

Today, I saw my girlfriend's mother tagged at a restaurant, the same one I had suggested we try earlier in the week. At the time, she quickly shut me down because "that place sounds terrible". I guess she forgot that she finally added me on Facebook. FML

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By coolhand - 29/8/2009 15:13 - United States

Today, I waited for my girlfriend to get in the shower before I stripped down to try and seduce her. I got ready, threw open the door and went in. I walked in on her taking a dump. FML

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By kitkat3308 - 27/9/2013 06:20 - United States

Today, I found out that my controlling, verbally abusive ex-boyfriend from nearly four years ago is still obsessed with me. Apparently, he's told everyone back home that he and I are getting married as soon as I finish college. We haven't spoken in over two years. FML

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By single - 24/12/2014 21:49 - United States - Hurricane

Today, my ex boyfriend got married to the girl he told me was his sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2018 19:00

No Chick-Hating on Easter!

Today, I proposed to my boyfriend of 13 years. He broke up with me because "Chicks can't propose, that's gay!" FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 23:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that he needed some time alone for a few weeks. This break just so happens to include our one year anniversary, Christmas, New Year's, and my birthday. Now I get to spend the next three weeks alone. FML

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By dude i am so sorry - 19/9/2016 19:54 - United States - Richmond

Today, I found out what happens when you sleep with a girl your chemistry major friend likes. He put silver nitrate in my body wash and shampoo. I look like I survived an explosion in a Sharpie factory. He says it'll come off "in a few days". FML

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By Sarah - 26/1/2013 05:14 - United States

Today, my mom barged into my room at three in the morning, demanding to know where I'd been. I'd been in my room sleeping since ten o'clock. In that time she had called the police, all of my friends, and my ex-boyfriend, asking if I was with them. FML

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By omnomnom - 5/2/2011 00:29 - Canada

Today, I bought a pretty blue parakeet to keep my parrot company, and named her Sky. I went to work a few hours later. When I came home that night, I found my parrot dead. There wasn't a huge mess to clean, though; Sky had already eaten half of his corpse. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2011 06:35 - United States

Today, I decided to formally introduce my girlfriend to my parents. My dad took the opportunity to apologize for walking in on us a few days ago while we were having sex. It wasn't her. Thanks dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2009 16:18 - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend who lives in China contacted me and told me she'd been harassed by a guy and was thinking about pressing charges. The guy is someone I know from college - he promised me he would say "hi" to her for me while he was in Shanghai. FML

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By Me myself & I - 19/4/2016 01:09 - United States - Columbus

Today, my parents said they know I don't do drugs or drink because I have no friends to do drugs or drink with. They are right. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2019 14:00

Not so ready to rumble

Today, my pro wrestling training class had come to a close and I was gathering my things outside of the ring. One of my fellow trainees got out of the ring on the side where there was nothing but giant stage lights. He knocked them over onto me, giving me my first pro wrestling injury. I’d always thought that would happen in the ring. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2014 03:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out that if I'm not home and my roommates have girls over, my room is the designated "fart room". FML

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By schoolkiddo - 8/9/2010 07:35 - Australia

Today, my dad and his girlfriend left for a 10-day vacation. They booked an expensive beach-house. I'm an A grade student and just last month, he stopped paying my school fees because he 'couldn't afford it.' Oh, and he's making me feed the dog while he's away. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2011 13:04 - United States

Today, the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with posted pics of them kissing on Facebook, and tagged me in them. FML

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By Lily - 21/2/2009 11:22 - United States

Today, I came to school late because I had to drop off my daughter at school. When I got on campus, the security told me I was late but I said, "Oh no, I work here." and he said, "Oh like I haven't heard that one before." And he took me to detention. My boss, the Principal, had to bail me out. FML

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By Idiocracy - 24/4/2009 04:36 - United States

Today, my boss confessed to me that she doesn't know how to change the staples in the staplers at work, so she just switches them when they run out. We work at an office supply store. She makes six figures. I make $10 an hour. And she just got awarded a trip to Aruba for doing a "great job". FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2012 02:39 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I received my first payment of child support from my estranged husband: $50 and a note that said he wouldn't be paying any more. FML

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By Stigmamma - 27/11/2016 08:54

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be responsible and put parental controls on the Playstation so our kids can't play adult games or watch adult content online. And now, neither can we. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2012 20:25 - United States

Today, my mom tried to give me the sex talk, while I was mounting my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2014 17:33 - United States - Far Rockaway

Today, I was bitched out at 2am by my parents, for trying to "sneak out." I was sneaking out of my bedroom to take a crap. FML

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By kimosabe - 2/3/2009 19:58 - United States

Today, at work a woman came up to the check out counter and when I greeted her she said "oh honey, you are so beautiful!" I immediately smiled and thanked her, then she looked at me and said "oh, not you." and then pointed to her ear. She was on her bluetooth. FML

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By Lady - 11/1/2010 00:21 - United States

Today, I had to clean my house to hide the evidence of the party I threw last night. I attempted to clean the puke stain on my carpet while still drunk. I didn't realize until this morning that the All Purpose cleaner I used was actually All Purpose Adhesive. The evidence is now glued to my carpet. FML

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By Steve - 16/8/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, I woke up with my girl laying next to me in bed. When she woke up we started to get hot and heavy but all of a sudden our cat hops on the bed. I guess the cat was more important cause my girl got up started playing it instead of me. Cockblocked by another pussy. FML

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By tanya - 25/10/2010 12:32 - Canada

Today, I was in a rush and forgot to flush the toilet after taking a huge dump. After coming home from work, I check my facebook to find myself tagged by my boyfriend in a photo. The photo was of the toilet, with the caption: "This is what Taco Bell does." FML

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By ratqueen - 25/11/2014 15:28 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I discovered that catching fewer mice in the traps I'd put out doesn't mean my pest problem is getting resolved. It means that rats have moved in. FML

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By Forgotten - 6/9/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I decided to visit my dad. I haven't seen him in a while so I wanted to give him another chance to be an actual dad to me. Apparently, getting drunk and getting it on with his girlfriend while I was there was more important than spending time with his daughter, who he hasn't seen in almost a year. FML

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By Chuffy - 4/11/2012 07:28 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, to help me get over my crippling social anxiety, my therapist encouraged me to sing in front of a crowd, since I actually have a fine singing voice. I ended up fainting onstage, mid-song. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2019 22:00

Today, I went on my first date in over a year, and my best friend popped up at the restaurant uninvited. To make it worse, she pulled up a chair right in between us and started an argument with the bartender. FML

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By RetailRage - 10/8/2015 12:23 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job working retail, I had just finished cleaning and straightening a whole aisle. This kid watched me do the whole thing. When I was done, he stuck his arm out, and ran it down the whole shelf, knocking everything off it. His mother just grabbed his hand and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2013 18:10 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#1489372 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:15

Lettuce all learn a lesson from the pickle you're in. You can't beet City Hall, so I hope you relish your walk. Orange you mad that they towed your lemon?

By illmatic2 | 16

#1489154 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:43

Ironicaly, that was not a healthy decision.

COMMENTS

By illmatic2 | 16

#1489154 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:43

Ironicaly, that was not a healthy decision.

bigbadtim | 7

#1489312 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:07

LOL

Icyyy | 0

#1490185 - Sunday 3 October 2010 5:36

Win xD

KCTruth4 | 0

#1490321 - Sunday 3 October 2010 7:12

HAHA SUPER WIN

cessily | 8

#1490372 - Sunday 3 October 2010 7:49

LOLYES

By EmoOrange | 0

#1489162 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:44

Someone shoulda told you op. fyl.

PizzaGuy11 | 0

#1495506 - Monday 4 October 2010 8:28

YDI for not buying some fruit.

EmoOrange | 0

#1498805 - Monday 4 October 2010 21:55

Or maybe they bought a fruit they are allergic to.

By 5t3ff1k4h | 44

#1489164 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:44

Usually there'd be something in the area advising you of the Market dates/times. YDI

By Cinn_fml | 22

#1489172 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:45

I find this amusing, sucks that they towed your car though. You sure there was nothing mentioning times of use or anything?

By marmlr339 | 14

#1489192 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:48

was there no sign that said "no parking"???

By officeradvil | 8

#1489242 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:59

Don't piss on fruit.

By thedopetroll | 0

#1489281 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:03

Have a good time driving your vegetable, looser.

By bigbadtim | 7

#1489327 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:08

Better get to the impound lot before they SQUASH your car.

illmatic2 | 16

#1489342 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:11

I wonder what kind of car op has. I bet it has a V8.

bigbadtim | 7

#1489404 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:22

Does a Fusion have a V8?

illmatic2 | 16

#1489497 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:40

I don't know, but they do run very smoothiely.

Stupified | 0

#1489502 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:41

What's up with all the puns? Y'all are copycats. You just don't appreciate the fruits of my labor. I clearly beet you guys with my lively animal comment in the othe FML. Would it have bean that hard to not steal my idea?