Money: Today, I went to pick up my car from where I parked it last night....

By hunnybaby0319 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my car from where I parked it last night. I walked over to my parking spot only to find a vegetable stand there in its place. Apparently, that's the location of the Saturday Market and they had my car towed. FML

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Money

Triage

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Our house, in the middle of our street

By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 20:01

It's good to learn!

Today, I’m living in China and I asked my native boyfriend to read me the names of all the different goods at the bakery, so I can do more than just point next time. I realized why he doesn’t see the point, when he translated : "Bread, bread, bread, bread and… bread." FML

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By iltdtsm - Canada

Today, while showering I slipped and fell, taking down the shower curtain and smashing my head against the floor, resulting in a concussion. My family came running because of the noise and I lay naked, bleeding and concussed for few minutes before they could stop laughing enough to get me help. FML

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By SchwesterGrimm

Today, a man sat next to me on a train carriage, despite various empty seats. During a weird conversation, I told him that I'm on my way back from London after seeing a friend from Germany there. He goes on to talk about Nazis and, with one arm in the air, asks me if he's doing the salute right. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Owen Sound

Today, my husband sent me a text before heading home from work. All it said was, "Need a fuck. Backed up to hell. You're about to shower face first in a fire hydrant." Love you too, hun. FML

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By lollipopp56 - Canada

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML

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By m…… - 9/4/2021 21:30

Social anxiety sucks

Today, it’s the third anniversary of me not being able to finish a single sentence when speaking in person. FML

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By sleepy2010 - United States

Today, I started my spring break. My college is letting the students stay in the dorms for break, so I figured that staying here would mean getting more sleep than going home. Not so much. The fire alarm has been going off every 20 mins since 7:30am because they're "fixing" it. FML

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By birthday girl - Australia

Today, it was my birthday. My mom didn't buy me a present, throw a party, or acknowledge the event in any way. Last week it was our dog's birthday, which included a party for all the neighbourhood dogs, and a cake for our dog, made out of bacon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me into the bathroom after he had been in there awhile. I found him with his pants down, looking at a pimple on his butt in the mirror. He asked me for "help". FML

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By purpledp12 - United States

Today, I was eating in the food court at the mall by myself but then a cute guy from my school offers to sit by me, I say yes of course, he then asks me for a french fry. Later on I realize he has eaten half my meal. He only wanted to sit by me for my food. FML

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By veggiepower11028

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded with, "That's nice. You know what I love? Chicken wings. Let's go get some." Apparently, he doesn't remember I'm a vegetarian either. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was in the shower 'grooming' myself for my second anniversary with my boyfriend. Halfway through the hot water ran out. I now have the choice of going with the low 'half-fro' or risking hypothermia. My boyfriend thinks hypothermia would be the better option. FML

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By PissyPuss - United States

Today, the bladder infection I thought I was over flared up at work, causing me to piss myself, despite having gone twice in the previous hour. I still had to finish my shift, soaked pants and all. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my thundercunt of a neighbor, who's hated me since I moved in, called the cops on me. He told them he saw me shooting up on drugs. I'm diabetic and was injecting insulin, which he could only have seen by spying on me through my living room window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was putting groceries away, I went to open my freezer door which randomly gets stuck by giving it a good tug, and a frozen hamburger fell on my right foot. My right foot, which is currently healing from a sprain I got a couple days ago. FML

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By EwwEwwEww - United States - Portland

Today, I noticed that the floor outside our bathroom was covered in toenail clippings. I asked my husband what had happened. Turns out, he saves time by clipping his nails onto the floor and then sweeping them out into the hall, where they get lodged in the carpet. FML

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By CoffeeStained - United States - Richmond

Today, I set my cup of coffee down on the stall floor to take care of my business. A hand reached under the stall door and took my coffee. I yelled to give it back, calling them obscene names. Moments later, my fresh coffee came flying over the door. I'm burned from my head to my legs. FML

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By angryman

Today, I was playing what became an extremely intense game of hide-and-seek with my best friend's sister. I finally found the perfect place, so I slid down into the bath and began to cover myself. She popped up out of nowhere and said, "FOUND YOU!" I got so scared that I punched her in the face. FML

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By spiderinmylips - United States

Today, I was laying out in my backyard trying to get some color, when I felt a little tickle on my lips. I rubbed them together to satisfy the itch, when I felt a sort of crunchish popping between them. I had crushed a spider between my lips and its legs were still moving. FML

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By Wormy - United States

Today, I bit into a Reese's Cup that had been sitting on my desk for a while. As I did, half of a yellow meal worm fell out and landed in front of me, the other half was in my mouth. It was wiggling. FML

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By oopsies - United States

Today, after having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, we went downstairs to find his parents had come home early and had heard everything. I then received a long scolding from his mother of how I'd disrespected her house. My boyfriend received a high-five and a thumbs-up from his dad. FML

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By k - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend came over. After I finished pouring my heart out to him about how much I missed him, and how much I loved him, he looks at me and asks "So are we gonna do it, or what?" FML

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By Pepe - France

Today, my girlfriend said to me, "You know, you only have to wash 3 times a week to be clean." FML

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By oboy - United States

Today, after ten minutes of squishing my boobs together for my boyfriend, trying to get him to stare, he glanced at them then blankly said "I've seen better tits on my mom, so baby just stop that" and smiled. FML

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By tomchuq - United States

Today, I realized I can hold a pencil in my fat rolls. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Belleville

Today, I was waiting in a doctor's office when I was approached by an elderly woman. She told me all about the ripping of her stitches in a very private place, in exhaustive detail. Of course, today was the day my doctor chose to be an hour late. FML

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By poo_shoe123 - United States

Today, I was called by my 9 year old son's teacher. He had handcuffed himself to his desk with handcuffs he found in my room. I was told to please bring in the key and not to leave my kinky toys out where a child could get them. I'm a cop. FML

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By reesemaster - United States

Today, I went to use the public restroom. As I saw the toilet paper was out, I could see there was some hanging down from the other stall. As I went to grab it, I felt a hand grab mine and a voice ask seductively, "what were you reaching for?" FML

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By JMcKay - Australia

Today, I found out that if a jock calls you a nerd in the street and you retaliate with a witty comeback, be prepared to run. Fast. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me because she found a lot of red lipstick on my neck. The red lipstick was from her lipstick because she came over in the middle of the night when she was really drunk, then left. She refuses to listen to me. FML

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By Why - Australia - Sydney

Today, for our 25th anniversary, my husband and I had dinner on a cruise ship, a dinner we had been planning for months. Upon boarding, I realized the expensive dress that I had bought just for the occasion had exactly the same print as the chair covers and the carpet. The cruise lasted 8 hours. FML

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By John - United States

Today, I had my anus probed twice by two different doctors. I was diagnosed with hemorrhoids. I'm a 22 year old guy and have to schedule a colonoscopy for next week. I guess there's a first time for everything. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my friend asked me how I did on my test. I got an 85%. She asked me what my secret was, and I said "I'm just smart". She replied, "No you're not. How did you pull it off?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lancaster

Today, I had my boss over for dinner. Knowing that I was angling for a promotion, my fifteen-year-old son spent the dinner uttering lines such as "What's the point of showering before bed?" and "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." My boss was not impressed. FML

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By Cow_girl_cutie - United States

Today, I was texting my boyfriend. He continued to tell me how he had to piss. We carried on this conversation for about 10 minutes, then I realized that was the most interesting conversation I have had with him in weeks. FML

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By awhmaaan - United Kingdom

Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Berlin

Today, it's my only day off work in a while. I told my boss I'd be available via phone in case of emergencies. So far I've been called three times: To ask how the fax works, to let me know it's a slow day, and to ask me where the letter R is on a keyboard. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boss walked up and smacked my butt. I am a 19 year old guy. My boss is a 50 year old woman. I desperately need this job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brandon

Today, my brother was doing an extremely annoying Shrek impression, so I turned the TV on in a desperate attempt to drown him out. You'll never guess what movie was on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, a girl who's in charge of a group project that I get graded on, asked if Bill Gates was a Founding Father. She was totally serious. I'm screwed. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#1489372 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:15

Lettuce all learn a lesson from the pickle you're in. You can't beet City Hall, so I hope you relish your walk. Orange you mad that they towed your lemon?

By illmatic2 | 16

#1489154 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:43

Ironicaly, that was not a healthy decision.

COMMENTS

By illmatic2 | 16

#1489154 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:43

Ironicaly, that was not a healthy decision.

bigbadtim | 7

#1489312 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:07

LOL

Icyyy | 0

#1490185 - Sunday 3 October 2010 5:36

Win xD

KCTruth4 | 0

#1490321 - Sunday 3 October 2010 7:12

HAHA SUPER WIN

cessily | 8

#1490372 - Sunday 3 October 2010 7:49

LOLYES

By EmoOrange | 0

#1489162 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:44

Someone shoulda told you op. fyl.

PizzaGuy11 | 0

#1495506 - Monday 4 October 2010 8:28

YDI for not buying some fruit.

EmoOrange | 0

#1498805 - Monday 4 October 2010 21:55

Or maybe they bought a fruit they are allergic to.

By 5t3ff1k4h | 44

#1489164 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:44

Usually there'd be something in the area advising you of the Market dates/times. YDI

By Cinn_fml | 22

#1489172 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:45

I find this amusing, sucks that they towed your car though. You sure there was nothing mentioning times of use or anything?

By marmlr339 | 14

#1489192 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:48

was there no sign that said "no parking"???

By officeradvil | 8

#1489242 - Sunday 3 October 2010 1:59

Don't piss on fruit.

By thedopetroll | 0

#1489281 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:03

Have a good time driving your vegetable, looser.

By bigbadtim | 7

#1489327 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:08

Better get to the impound lot before they SQUASH your car.

illmatic2 | 16

#1489342 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:11

I wonder what kind of car op has. I bet it has a V8.

bigbadtim | 7

#1489404 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:22

Does a Fusion have a V8?

illmatic2 | 16

#1489497 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:40

I don't know, but they do run very smoothiely.

Stupified | 0

#1489502 - Sunday 3 October 2010 2:41

What's up with all the puns? Y'all are copycats. You just don't appreciate the fruits of my labor. I clearly beet you guys with my lively animal comment in the othe FML. Would it have bean that hard to not steal my idea?