Today, I realized that when someone's pregnant or introduces me to their kids, they're saying, "I had sex with this person" and now I can’t stop visualizing it. Keep me out of your personal life, Tom. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was introducing my boyfriend to my parents for the first time. I meant to say, "Mom, Dad, this is Tom." Instead, I said, "Mom, Dad, this is Mom." My boyfriend is now jokingly reconsidering our relationship, and my parents won't stop making fun of me. FML
Today, my ex messaged me, saying he got his new girlfriend pregnant and that he thinks I have something to do with it. He thinks I put it in her head that they should have a kid together, when he says he didn't want any in the first place. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend what he thought about having kids and, without a pause, he went, “Ew, no thanks.” I’m pretty sure I’m six weeks pregnant so, yeah… FML
Today, I realized I'm pregnant by a man who won't even accept my Facebook friend request. FML
Today, I had to tell my ex that I'm pregnant with his baby. I sent him a casual "Hey :)" text to try to ease into things. He replied, "WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?" and ended up threatening to make my life hell if I don't tell my new boyfriend that the child is his. FML
Today, at my job as a second grade teacher, I was explaining to my students how I'm pregnant and will have to take a break from teaching after I have my baby. One of my students replied with "Ooooooooohhh Ms. Johnson had sex!" FML
Today, my pregnant wife has been crying for hours after she found out that I’d slept with the woman who does her ultrasounds. That woman happened to have been my prom date nearly 20 years ago and I had no idea she moved back in town, let alone worked for our doctor. FML
Today, as I had a chat with my boyfriend and a couple of his friends, one of them had brought up my boyfriend's son and his other child who was due any day now. The conversation would have went well, had I known that he had a son and a pregnant girlfriend. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend’s family. His mother gave me expensive diamond earrings and treated us to brunch. I don’t know how I’m gonna have the heart to tell him that I’ve accidentally gotten pregnant from someone else I’ve been seeing. I can’t tell him it’s his because we haven’t slept together yet. FML
Today, I turned down my boyfriend's proposal because I'm pregnant and I told him I didn't want people thinking that's why we were getting married. He… did not react well. Yes, he knows that I'm pregnant. FML
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Top comments
ojoRojo 27
Are you 12?
Tiffani Carter 6
Um, no. Telling you they’re pregnant doesn’t tell you who they slept with...
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Comments (15)
Tiffani Carter 6
Um, no. Telling you they’re pregnant doesn’t tell you who they slept with...
RichardPencil 32
But you're probably just imagining Tom having boring missionary sex for procreation. Think of Tom getting pegged by his wife, then tossing her salad, teabagging her, giving her anal and then a facial. Give him some credit.
Marcella1016 32
Actually Tom gets 0 points, because none of those sex acts would actually get his wife pregnant.
RichardPencil 32
Sex is more than just for procreation. I want the OP have lots of dirty images of Tom for his obsession with him.
Iamthebanzai22 21
You forgot partner swopping, fisting and bondage.
RichardPencil 32
I didn't. I just thought I gave the OP the right number of disturbing images about Tom. I could have gone into blumpkins, felching, Cleveland streamers, Alabama Hot Pockets, etc.
Iamthebanzai22 21
Hmmm... That is true. There should be restraint in your abandon and abandon in your restraint. Very tastefully done.
Kraths 16
Let's not mention munging quite yet, no need to permanently scar someone for no reason.
ojoRojo 27
Are you 12?
Ambrily 27
I came here to ask the exact same question.
bl3ur0z3 17
Everyone you meet has had sex with their kids? Ew. Also, your parents had sex. I know this because you exist.
wmayrhofer 18
Tom is pregnant?
Jonkbaby 23
what are you, 12?
rgkkk 17
Oh, Jeffrey
William Uy Vu Le 9
You have grandparents right?
millsjoshua949 12
What in the world are you talking about? Was this written by a kid? ydi
BurnInDemonFire 39
OP is definitely not a fan of The Lonely Island.