By Kay Jacline Salvatierra - 15/4/2020 05:00

Shivering Herbert

Today, it's the third night in a row that I have had a sexual dream involving another woman. I'm married and when I tried talking to my husband about pleasing me better, he told me he doesn't want to go down on me because it makes him nervous. FML

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1863

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The opposite of a good idea

The student becomes the master

Time for the ER

By ForeverAlone - 15/10/2014 00:13 - United States - Watertown

Today, before work, I was quickly cleaning when I tripped and the side of my neck hit the countertop, causing a dark bruise. During work, people wouldn't stop giving me high fives for getting laid and I was too embarrassed to tell them truth that I'm not desirable, just clumsy. FML

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34316

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2014 15:42 - United States - Springfield

Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He told me one of my lights was busted, and I couldn't help but point out that one of his was out too. He said, "Thanks, I'll get that fixed right away." then gave me a ticket. FML

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41293

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By - 22/2/2020 18:00

My dear neighbor

Today, I had a very sweet and romantic love note brutally scratched into the door of my brand new car. It was addressed to Cindy. Cindy lives next door. FML

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2063

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107

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2013 18:33 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with some friends, and I had to take a dump. After I was done, I realized there was no more toilet paper, so I asked my friends to get me some. They threw in duct tape, sandpaper, and saran wrap, and told me to make a decision. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2017 01:30

Today, I actually slipped on a banana peel, cartoon-style, breaking my kneecap and dislocating my hip. I will never hear the end of this. FML

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3993

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329

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2018 01:30

#notyourmaid

Today, at work, someone shat outside the bathroom door. Not outside the stall, but in the actual hallway. Guess who got fired for refusing to clean it up! I’m a cashier at a tool supply company and the only female employee. Four dudes refused before I did. FML

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5374

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By rejected - 6/10/2019 04:00 - United States

Smoke signals

Today, I texted my boyfriend, who's on vacation halfway across the world, but he didn't respond. I mentioned it to my younger sister who said, "It probably just takes a while for the text to get all the way there." My mom piped up, "Don't be dumb sweetie, he's just ignoring her." FML

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1472

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185

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By so bored -__- - 25/2/2012 04:18 - United States

Today, my parents dragged me along to a family soccer game. I got so bored watching a bunch of grown men practically buttfucking each other between kicking balls around the field, that I fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later to an empty field and had to walk five miles back home. FML

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18516

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By SilverAuthor - 29/7/2016 22:53 - United States - Detroit

Today, I slipped money into my mother's purse after she refused to let me pay for lunch. She caught me in the act and thought I was stealing money from her instead. FML

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15217

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By Shock91 - 11/9/2019 02:02 - China - Beijing

Milky Milky

Today, the host family that I'm staying with in China gave me a small milk box to drink. It tasted a bit tangy and sour, but I thought that was probably just the taste of milk in China. Trying to be polite, I practically chugged the whole box. Later, I found out that it had expired 20 days ago. FML

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1380

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By Tiff676 - 16/8/2009 04:31 - Canada

Today, I was working at the theater as an Usher. A man comes up to me and gives me his ticket. At the same time, he takes a sip of water and suddenly felt the need to sneeze. The water came out from his nose and landed all over my face. I was covered with his mucus and had to wish him a good movie. FML

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42827

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By ChoirGuy - 7/2/2009 23:02 - United States

Today, I sang at a retirement home with my school choir. Afterward we went to speak to the old people, just to get to know them a little. The first woman I shake hands with ask "Are you a boy or a girl?" FML

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31562

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By Holly - 29/8/2012 04:59 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I had to wait in a hospital room because I cut myself with a knife while trying to open a box of soda. After three stitches, I went home only to notice the box has an easy-open tab. FML

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9286

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By BustedEgo - 23/3/2014 05:31 - United States - Norway

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't know what it's like to be turned on. Apparently, I've been doing something wrong for the past two years. FML

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52607

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By LizzyJones - 20/8/2013 17:38 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my husband bought me a present for our three year anniversary. It was a pack of 20 cigarettes. I don't smoke. He does. FML

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By Anonyme - 22/6/2016 04:05

Today, my parents, who aren’t usually lenient, allowed me to have my boyfriend over. We started to cuddle, things got a little heated, but then my sister walks in and says, “You do my math homework, or I tell mom what you guys were doing.” I don’t remember middle school math being this hard. FML

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15310

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By Lesser spotted female gaming nerd - 12/1/2016 02:47 - United States - Arlington

Today, I finished reading a manga series on a website I go on all the time. As I read the last page I got a huge celebratory message from the website saying I was the first one to read every manga on their site. The website opened in 2011 and has over 30,000 manga. My God, I need a social life. FML

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By foreseeingabreakup - 6/9/2011 04:42 - United States

Today, I had to explain in great detail why it is inappropriate for my boyfriend to grab at my vagina in public. He did it again twenty minutes later. FML

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37074

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By UGH! - 19/12/2016 18:21 - Canada

Today, I slid into a seat in a very busy foodcourt that was jam packed full of seniors at the mall. It was the only seat available, so I was quick to jump into it. It was soaked with urine. FML

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7046

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2014 03:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out that if I'm not home and my roommates have girls over, my room is the designated "fart room". FML

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46112

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By Who-is-living-with-whom - 3/11/2016 06:10

Today, my mother finally finalized her divorce! Unfortunately, she'll have to sell the house, and when she does, she'll move in with me. I only moved out a month ago. FML

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11593

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By Mash-brakketz - 25/10/2017 22:26

Goodbye, 7 years of sobriety...

Today a gasoline canister leaked in our work garage and filled my office with fumes. It got me high and nauseous even though I went out for air constantly. I had a meltdown and was sent home. I'm still high. FML

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3202

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253

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By epipen life - 10/3/2019 16:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my boyfriend’s mom fed me a new dish containing peanuts, knowing full well I’m severely allergic. According to her, her ancestors “cured” allergies by exposing the person to the allergen. I went into anaphylactic shock. FML

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3284

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188

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By gotnogame - 31/1/2011 03:13 - United States

Today, I went out with a girl I like. After a movie, we went to McDonald's. There was this couple making out. The girl I was with remarked about how lame it would be to go to McDonald's on a date. I thought we were on a date. FML

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24976

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2018 06:00

Today, my new bikini must be cheap as shit because I tanned nicely where I put on sunscreen, but where I didn’t apply it under the bikini I’ve gotten super red sunburn on my butt, my lady bits, and my boobs. My nipples look like the ends of red felt tip pens. FML

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4423

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By anonymous neighbor - 30/1/2009 14:42 - United States

Today, I went on a date with my really attractive neighbor, and at the end, when I leaned in to make out with her, she shook my hand. FML

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26663

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2012 12:33 - Australia - Fairfield

Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show, Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I am now afraid to argue with her. FML

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31344

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By stupidlights - 7/5/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I left my lights on in my car. I realized it at lunch, made sure to turn the lights off and tried to start it. The battery was dead, and I called my dad to jump it before I got back from my game. I come back from my game and the lights were on. He left the lights on after the jump. FML

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45325

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, my roommate brought a kitten to the apartment. I hate cats, and probably sensing this, the thing clawed me right in the crotch. I of course am not going to say a thing because I happen to be in love with my roommate, but she has no clue how much I hate this thing. FML

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14940

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By whatever - 9/8/2009 20:12 - United States

Today, I went out with my ex-boyfriend on a date. The night consisted of me sitting in the back seat of his friend's truck while they drove around to pick up things for the party they were going to have that same night. After they picked everything up, he asked where I wanted to get dropped off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40757

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By rplovez - 5/9/2011 23:14 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by covering my car with post-it notes that read "it's you not me." FML

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30192

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3986

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By fucked - 24/8/2014 20:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I landed my first job as a security officer. Only after I signed all the paperwork did I find out that the area I'll be working is apparently a hotspot for violent shootings. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41258

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6163

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 12:52 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandpa came into my room and asked for a pen. As I gave it to him, he let rip the foulest fart I've ever smelled in my life, and walked out without a word. 2 hours later, the smell is not only still there, it's filled the room. Looks like I'm sleeping downstairs on the couch tonight. FML

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32188

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2967

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By startingover - 18/7/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I was at work in a lab. I spent all day growing a large bacterial culture. I went to retrieve it, only to find that someone had turned the incubation shaker up too high, and my flask had flown off and shattered. Not only did I lose all my work, but now the whole room is a biohazard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45196

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3575

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2015 14:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out that my homophobic boyfriend, who I was giving a chance to grow the fuck up and get over his obsession with bashing gays, has been cheating on me with another man. FML

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45219

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2018 21:00 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I got to see my fiancé for the first time in 3 months. While we were having sex for the first time, he slipped out and slammed into the back of my vagina, tearing it open. Now I won't stop bleeding, it hurts to pee, and we can't have sex. I won't see him for another 2 months after this. FML

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4685

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429

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By embarrassed - 18/11/2010 02:31

Today, I auditioned for a part in a play. I've been practicing for months, and was very excited. After I finished singing, the director whispered something to the other judges, and they all laughed. Hard. So much for the lead role. FML

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25658

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3408

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By inhaler -.- - 6/10/2013 05:20 - United States - Huntsville

Today, it was my first time having a make out session with my boyfriend. I got so nervous that a few minutes into it, I had to stop to take my inhaler. This happened twice more afterwards. FML

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52359

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5694

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By cait - 26/8/2019 15:00 - United States - Edmond

Today, within one day of meeting me, my stepmom decided to break up with my dad. Her reason being, "I love you, but I just can’t put up with the kid." I’m 'the kid'. I’m 28 years-old. FML

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1696

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173

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2016 03:50 - United States - Fishers

Today, eight tornados hit the town where I live. The only person who tried to get a hold of me and see if I was OK was my World of Warcraft guild leader after I didn't show up to raid. FML

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17364

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1411

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Top comments

By Amanda Howard | 9

#7897837 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 5:35

how does him having to please you better makes you have dreams about women? You might be bi just tossing it out there

By Tom O'Halloran | 9

#7897840 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 5:52

I think it is time for you AND your husband to start seeing other men...

Comments

By Amanda Howard | 9

#7897837 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 5:35

how does him having to please you better makes you have dreams about women? You might be bi just tossing it out there

By RichardPencil | 28

#7897839 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 5:48

Tell him he should be nervous about you switching teams.

Cunnilingus isn't the only way to please a woman. You can always work harder and bring home more money.😂

By Tom O'Halloran | 9

#7897840 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 5:52

I think it is time for you AND your husband to start seeing other men...

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7897999 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 20:05

made sure to put the hetero pants on today, eh?

By Dale Gulley | 8

#7897947 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 14:30

Are you well “groomed”, is there a odor issue? If no, then it’s not you for sure. It’s him. I’ve heard of these guys before. Can’t understand it, but I’ve heard of them.

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7898001 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 20:06

if the genders were swapped, there'd be a fuck load of women here complaining. saying he should respect her right to refuse sexual favors and other such cluckery.

Isaac Shields | 5

#7898015 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 21:22

exactly

Vanderdale | 14

#7898287 - Thursday 16 April 2020 20:39

Sure, but it's a give and take. Does he expect her to give blowjobs? If yes, it's pretty selfish of him not to return the favor.

By jac_1964_au | 23

#7898099 - Thursday 16 April 2020 6:26

Your in a really bad situation.

By 1known | 29

#7898826 - Sunday 19 April 2020 1:02

Too bad for you. I just hope he’s not getting any bj from you. If he does, just stop.

By oscarito415 | 6

#7899604 - Tuesday 21 April 2020 17:30

Not that it’s your fault, but you’re finding out he won’t go down at all after being married..?

By bltoth | 8

#7899998 - Thursday 23 April 2020 6:07

WTF... Who's on first? What's on second and third? Can I get a cast list with pictures?