By Kay Jacline Salvatierra - 15/4/2020 05:00

Shivering Herbert

Today, it's the third night in a row that I have had a sexual dream involving another woman. I'm married and when I tried talking to my husband about pleasing me better, he told me he doesn't want to go down on me because it makes him nervous. FML

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1994

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Messed up

Tidy your room

Sewer monster

By Anonymous - United States - Lexington

Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbor's attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27752

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By Raiden - United Kingdom - Barnsley

Today, my girlfriend accused me of being a feeder, saying that's why she's been putting on so much weight. When I said it might be because she eats at McDonalds everyday, and that I was willing to start cooking low-calorie foods for us, she hit me. Then she went to McDonalds. FML

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46867

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By Anonymous - Norway - Egersund

Today, my 17-year-old son managed to easily convince my 13-year-old daughter that if you have sex before getting married, you'll instantly get horrible diseases that will kill you. Her freaking out is how I found out she's not only gullible as hell, but sexually active as well. FML

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47093

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By johnG - Canada

Today, I got a call from my local hospital's emergency room, stating my wife was in labour. My wife and I split years ago, but just haven't divorced. She is telling everyone I am the baby's father, my current girlfriend is 7 months pregnant with my child. FML

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27994

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By M2thaM - United States

Today, I was trying to flirt with the guy I like using body language, so I leaned over this counter in a sensual way. I happened to have a fork, so I went to bite the tip that sexy way people do in movies. I accidentally stabbed myself in the lip, cutting it. My lunch had jalapeños in it. FML

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By bossgroper - United States

Today, I was walking through a heavy door at work, so I reached behind me to catch it so it wouldn't slam shut. Little did I know that my boss was walking through right after me. Instead of catching the door, I caught a handful of his crotch. FML

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51816

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By mandieee

Today, I had my first shift as a server at a restaurant after getting stuck behind an accident and arriving late, apologizing profusely. Apparently no one knew I'd been hired but I was still yelled at for tardiness. They then made me clean a fridge for 4 hours and paid me in pizza. FML

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4134

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By Anonymous - United States - Annandale

Today, a customer threatened to smash my face in because I wouldn't give him a veteran's discount on a donut. He looked like he'd eaten his way out of fat camp, and it seemed the only action he'd seen was fighting his way into a lard factory. Still, he swung fast, and I now have a black eye. FML

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By benjavel71 - United States - Prairie Grove

Today, I thought about going to visit an old girlfriend of mine with hopes of getting a little head. Unfortunately, I didn't know it would be head lice I'd get. FML

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3765

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had an anxiety attack when I learned that my favorite book series is coming to the end. I had to leave the store and sit in my car. FML

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By sherronj - United States

Today, I announced to my family that I will be trying out for the next season of America's Best Dance Crew. They responded by laughing hysterically and my mother said "You guys suck, good luck making it past auditions". FML

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31226

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By wantedphantom

Today, I was at the lake with my family. I was drinking from a can of soda but didn't realize a bee flew into the can. I didn't swallow it, but I now have Kylie Jenner's lips. FML

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11732

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By a - United States

Today, I walked across my kitchen to go get my mom a blanket after she shoveled snow. I slipped and caught the kitchen chair with my side, landed on the floor and almost fracturing my knee cap. She then told me she wasn't cold. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I decided to try this new cardio workout video I got. As I was obnoxiously bouncing around my room I heard a noise behind me. Turns out there were three boys outside my window watching. FML

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18040

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By Jackal - United States - Trumbull

Today, I found out the time I'd requested off for a trip in 2 months, that my boss said that I could go on, wasn't fully processed, just in case he decided I couldn't go. He told me the second part after I'd bought no refund tickets for shows for both me and my girlfriend. FML

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1671

You deserved it

143

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By lizzzie - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that the excessive groin sweating I've been trying to deal with for weeks isn't groin sweating. It's a slow and steady stream of urine that I have no control over. FML

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52988

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By SN MetalMilitia - 3/11/2020 05:02

Make believe

Today, I once again bought condoms at the gas station to make the people who work there think that I have a sex life. FML

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366

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1116

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my roommate for the first time. I walked in the door to see him in full Roman gladiator gear, screaming at the computer because he lost 18 knights. He also told me he wakes up every 3 hours to make sure his army is still intact. FML

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41232

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By John

Today, I offered to drive my girlfriend's grandpa to the doctor. I thus learned my girlfriend's grandfather has a colostomy bag when it burst all over the inside of my truck. FML

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37564

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a schedule in my dorm room that I share with three other guys. Looking at it closer I realized it was my schedule with notes written in all around it. My roommates have planned their entire days around mine so we won't have any interaction at all. I thought we got along great. FML

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27624

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By Guitar-ZERO - United States

Today, my band had a show. We played a love song, and during the bridge, I ask out a friend of mine who was in the crowd, over the mic, in front of at least 200 people. She said no. FML

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54302

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By Anonymous - United States - Madison

Today, my pyromaniac sister somehow got her hands on my dad's lighter and set my bed sheets on fire. My dad said I must have provoked her, and that she can't be blamed for her mental condition. So now I'm grounded, and she has a new doll house to calm her down. FML

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By megatron - United States - Naperville

Today, my roommate decided to go on a group trip instead of paying our water bill. Now I can't shower until next week. FML

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By Jocelyn - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was walking home, when I realized I didn't have my phone on me. After retracing my steps, I realized that I'd been listening to music from my phone the entire time. FML

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By dxl - United States

Today, I told my parents how grateful I am for having them in my life and that not many kids are as lucky as me. My mom texted me after I went out 10 minutes later: "Are you ok? You seemed depressed earlier." FML

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By disgusteddaughter - Australia

Today, my mum's boyfriend came back from a job up-state. He is now walking around the house in boxers to "show off his tan". He has a beer gut and a hairy back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35646

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By cheesylad - Australia - Sunnybank

Today, I was alone in the car with my crush. For reasons I will never understand, I put on the song 'Kiss a Girl' by Keith Urban. I could feel her cringing. FML

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3089

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML

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12593

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By Insensitive - Australia

Today, I sent a get well card to my friend. it wasn't until after I got home from posting it did I realise that the stamps I put on the envelope had the phrase "Let's Get Active" on them with drawings of people playing sports. My friend is in a wheelchair. FML

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By okay._. - United States - Marysville

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying that I couldn't wait for him to get home and see my costume, and that I had dressed up as a naked lady. He texted back asking if I could dress up as someone who was making dinner instead. FML

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36296

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML

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75971

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By ilovedirt - United States

Today, I was tanning by the pool. My friend put his arms under my back and knees and picked me up. He threw me across the kiddy pool to my boyfriend, shouting "Catch!" My boyfriend didn't catch me. Instead of a tan, I have a huge bruise. FML

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34244

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband invited a couple of his college friends over for dinner. While we were in the middle of eating, one of them asked loudly, "Hey, whatever happened to that fat bitch you dated in your third year?" We've been dating since his second year. FML

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40560

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By Araya - United Kingdom

Today, I had a pig kidney dissection in Biology. I see a 'sack' which appeared to contain a liquid. Being the curious type, I cut open the sack, spraying said liquid over me and my desk. My teacher, after giggling, informed me that the liquid was in fact urine. I was pissed on by a dead pig. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14250

You deserved it

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By cerealfail

Today, I went to get a box of cereal and I knocked over a bottle of olive oil. It took me about half an hour to clean up. When I finally finished, I found out the box of cereal was empty. FML

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27695

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my crew was called out to do some house maintenance. We were nearly done, when someone had the goddamned fucking brilliant idea of washing plaster off their hands in the kitchen sink, which clogged the pipes. Instead of getting paid, we now owe for damages. FML

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By Lordofdance

Today, the only way my newborn sleeps is if I dance around with him strapped to me. Six hours and counting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2818

You deserved it

454

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By loveade11 - France

Today, a police officer caught my girlfriend and me having sex. The officer was my dad, and we were butt naked in his new Ford Expedition. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11675

You deserved it

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By drixxy - United States - Irvine

Today, my car was towed for the second time in front of my own house. They tried to tell me it was because they didn't think I lived there anymore. The person who had it towed had just spoken to me not three hours before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27042

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car got acquainted with about 3 dozen eggs. FML

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26410

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3341

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Top comments

By Amanda Howard | 9

#7897837 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 5:35

how does him having to please you better makes you have dreams about women? You might be bi just tossing it out there

By Tom O'Halloran | 9

#7897840 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 5:52

I think it is time for you AND your husband to start seeing other men...

COMMENTS

By Amanda Howard | 9

#7897837 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 5:35

how does him having to please you better makes you have dreams about women? You might be bi just tossing it out there

By RichardPencil | 29

#7897839 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 5:48

Tell him he should be nervous about you switching teams.

Cunnilingus isn't the only way to please a woman. You can always work harder and bring home more money.😂

By Tom O'Halloran | 9

#7897840 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 5:52

I think it is time for you AND your husband to start seeing other men...

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7897999 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 20:05

made sure to put the hetero pants on today, eh?

By Dale Gulley | 8

#7897947 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 14:30

Are you well “groomed”, is there a odor issue? If no, then it’s not you for sure. It’s him. I’ve heard of these guys before. Can’t understand it, but I’ve heard of them.

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7898001 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 20:06

if the genders were swapped, there'd be a fuck load of women here complaining. saying he should respect her right to refuse sexual favors and other such cluckery.

Isaac Shields | 8

#7898015 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 21:22

exactly

Vanderdale | 14

#7898287 - Thursday 16 April 2020 20:39

Sure, but it's a give and take. Does he expect her to give blowjobs? If yes, it's pretty selfish of him not to return the favor.

By 1known | 29

#7898826 - Sunday 19 April 2020 1:02

Too bad for you. I just hope he’s not getting any bj from you. If he does, just stop.

By oscarito415 | 6

#7899604 - Tuesday 21 April 2020 17:30

Not that it’s your fault, but you’re finding out he won’t go down at all after being married..?

By bltoth | 8

#7899998 - Thursday 23 April 2020 6:07

WTF... Who's on first? What's on second and third? Can I get a cast list with pictures?