By Kay Jacline Salvatierra - 15/4/2020 05:00

Shivering Herbert

Today, it's the third night in a row that I have had a sexual dream involving another woman. I'm married and when I tried talking to my husband about pleasing me better, he told me he doesn't want to go down on me because it makes him nervous. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1963

You deserved it

293

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Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Trip Advisor says no

Spooky

By Rose - 23/7/2012 23:06 - United States

Today, the man I went on a date with a few weeks ago finally called me back. I was his "one phone call" from prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27042

You deserved it

2348

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By Johnnogood - 9/10/2012 13:57 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my boss fired me because of the way I laugh. Apparently it reminds him too much of his ex-wife's laugh. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28707

You deserved it

2231

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2011 04:18 - United States

Today, my friend's dad had a heart attack. Without realizing what I was saying, I texted her, "If you need anything, you know I'll be there in a heartbeat." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31161

You deserved it

13209

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By prince232 - 4/5/2016 04:34 - Australia - Sydney

Today, after having a second interview with a club I want to work for, the interviewer ignored my work references. Instead, he told me he was going to call the only manager I never got along with, for reference in a job I left 5 years ago, because he knows her personally. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15880

You deserved it

1131

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By Cybertronianchic - 5/9/2020 09:58 - United Kindom - Birmingham

No kink-shaming

Today, I realised I'm so much more sexually attracted to Transformers than anyone I've ever met. FML

I agree, your life sucks

936

You deserved it

510

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By BritishDates - 22/8/2018 13:00

Today, my long-distance British boyfriend of 7 years canceled his plane ticket to visit me in the USA. He claims he "doesn't have enough money" to stay for 2 weeks. As I began canceling all the reservations, he called to say he bought a new car and a house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2691

You deserved it

351

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2015 08:44

Today, my brother woke me up by trying to light my bed on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33839

You deserved it

2828

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By justpeachy - 8/3/2010 20:27 - United States

Today, I was invited by my boyfriend's parents for dinner at their house. The dinner went well I thought, until I was getting ready to leave. Before I could make it out the front door, I could hear them discussing their disappointment that their son would ever consider someone like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33391

You deserved it

2526

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By m - 9/9/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, we went to the mall and my husband picked me out some perfume. When I asked him why he liked that particular one he responded with, "that's what's the stripper at my bachelor party was wearing." He was completely serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41632

You deserved it

4194

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By emptypockets - 31/10/2014 13:35 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was pulled over and fined $100 for driving without a license, as I'd accidentally left home without my wallet. I later found my wallet wedged beside my car seat, where it had been the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35908

You deserved it

6832

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By Slayeddd - 28/10/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, I realized that I have to block my number to get my own mother to take my phone calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35169

You deserved it

3551

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By johnfrank - 26/3/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I was on a blind date with a girl my friend set me up with. We went to a fancy restaurant and she ordered the shrimp. I told her, "I'm allergic to shrimp, so you shouldn't order it in case I want to kiss you later." She looked at the waiter and said, "I'll have the shrimp." FML

I agree, your life sucks

67579

You deserved it

35195

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By Liah12 - 5/3/2016 13:52 - United States - Holt

Today, my family picked a place for my birthday dinner. They chose a seafood restaurant. I'm allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20883

You deserved it

1506

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2016 10:09 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to give a joint presentation at college. My partner was so high, she couldn't even pronounce her own name properly in her introduction. I'm pretty sure her antics are going to get us both failed hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21866

You deserved it

1613

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By jb100 - 24/7/2015 20:08 - United States - Perryville

Today, as I was working at a bakery, a woman stormed in, cut in front of the line, and began yelling at me. She claimed I didn't give her a sandwich earlier and demanded a refund. She got the refund out of my paycheck, and as she was leaving she muttered, "Ha, works every time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31069

You deserved it

2175

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By why - 16/3/2015 01:10 - United States - Tucson

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. He claimed it wasn't cheating because he's not romantically attracted to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37869

You deserved it

3296

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2011 02:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first thing my dad said to him was "So, how low have you kissed?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

35897

You deserved it

3892

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By wtf bro - 20/5/2015 08:45 - Australia - Canberra

Today, my brother babysat for me. He invited his girlfriend around without me knowing, and they were all playing hide and seek together. While he and his girl were hiding, they decided to have a quickie. My three year old found them and saw everything. She won't stop copying their sex noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40951

You deserved it

3595

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By nakedyogagirl - 3/9/2010 00:16 - United Kingdom

Today, on my way to work, the obese old guy in the house opposite mine offered me tips on my yoga technique. Not only were his tips helpful, but I now know I should either close my curtains or put clothes on when I do yoga. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10001

You deserved it

39350

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By Less - 7/3/2011 19:39 - Reserved

Today, I decided to improve my posture by sitting through all of my classes with my shoulders and back completely straight. Pretty soon I couldn't move my shoulders at all. I had to go to the chiropractor. It turns out that in trying to improve my posture, I misaligned my spine instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33253

You deserved it

6650

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By Ham - 14/6/2018 09:00 - United States

Today, I received a letter from my college telling me that my instant tuition was revoked and I’ll have to pay almost twice as much next semester. Yesterday, I received the same letter. I guess they needed to tell me twice. It hurt just as much the 2nd time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3508

You deserved it

221

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By deanlazore - 23/6/2016 03:09 - United States - Brunswick

Today, my best friend set me up on a blind date. I've discussed the fact I like to date older men, but she thought it was clever to send a 63-year-old to my house to, "Netflix And Chill." FML

I agree, your life sucks

13484

You deserved it

1980

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By no snow day - 5/2/2014 14:07 - United States - Round Lake

Today, like every day, I had to walk to my bus stop. The only difference today is there was snow and ice over everything. Not only did I slip and fall, soaking both myself and the contents of my bag, the bus driver saw me there at the bus stop and drove straight past. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47094

You deserved it

4004

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By TooSunnyForSkin - 5/6/2013 04:22 - United States - Huntington

Today, I found out my work gave me a vacation for my performance. It's a trip to somewhere in the Caribbean, with the nickname "The Sunniest Place on Earth." I have skin cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56788

You deserved it

4177

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2012 20:27 - United States

Today, I was operating on a young girl, when she began to awaken during the surgery. We quickly put her back under, of course, but now I'm terrified that she'll remember my profuse cursing and get me in the shit with my curmudgeonly killjoy of a boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25872

You deserved it

11365

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2019 00:01

Take a number

Today, the guy I've been flirting with for a week, and would be meeting in two days, sent me a message that he wouldn't be able to text me this evening because he'll be on a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1398

You deserved it

249

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By Shameonme - 26/10/2008 16:04 - Morocco

Today, I yelled out while I was asleep. However, I was sleeping during a very important meeting with customers and my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21551

You deserved it

60983

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By duckyou - 2/4/2018 01:30

What the Duck?

Today, on the way to class, I got distracted while watching some ducks and walked face- first into a concrete pole. I ended up with a black eye and three stitches. Even the nurse laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3554

You deserved it

1304

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 11:12 - Switzerland

Today, I ate lunch alone. None of my colleagues saved me a seat. One of those colleagues was my husband. He didn't even have the decency to move so that I wouldn't have to eat alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39845

You deserved it

4579

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2014 21:07 - United States - Pensacola

Today, I asked my 12-year-old son what he wanted for his birthday. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "A whore." FML

I agree, your life sucks

49017

You deserved it

8152

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2011 01:24 - United States

Today, at college, I found a lanyard with some keys and a YMCA member's card attached. Hoping to find contact details, I googled the name on the back of the card, just in time for him to return and see me looking through his Facebook profile like some kind of stalker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23314

You deserved it

12386

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By bigmistake - 24/12/2011 03:22 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for a while. I shaved my legs and armpits and wore a short dress. It wasn't until I got to the meeting that I noticed I only shaved one of my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34043

You deserved it

17900

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 02:02

Great speech, thanks!

Today, my biologist father had a slide show and speech prepared for my wedding. It started with, “40 years ago, there was a tree here”. I thought this would relate to me or the wedding at some point. 45 minutes later, I had to admit that it didn’t. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1550

You deserved it

120

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By walken away - 25/6/2020 23:00

Nice choice

Today I had the dirtiest, kinkiest, most vividly realistic sex dream of my life. I was getting it on with Christopher Walken. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1187

You deserved it

308

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 14:10 - United States - Jefferson

Today, I found out what it's like to drive seven hours home with a woman who just brutally rejected your marriage proposal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47175

You deserved it

3883

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By luni - 26/6/2011 21:17 - United Kingdom

Today, when my boyfriend said it was time to play with his baby, I figured he was talking about me. He meant his Xbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37739

You deserved it

8857

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By Jason - 12/8/2010 20:33 - United States

Today, I spent forty minutes trying to break into my own house after being locked out. After finally getting in through a small unlocked window, I discovered my keys in my pants pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9698

You deserved it

44219

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By avocadotoe - 14/11/2016 06:52 - United States - Big Bear Lake

Today, my boyfriend and I were house sitting. We were a little on edge because we'd heard noises. We were starting to get intimate, and suddenly the house alarm started going off. We locked ourselves in the room, called the police, and they told us that we were the ones who'd set it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9120

You deserved it

3024

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By Enyo - 1/1/2013 17:35 - Reserved

Today, I found my dogs freezing outside. My neighbor was supposed to watch them while I was away, and on my way home I called to let her know she should let them have a quick walk. She thought I'd be home soon enough that she wouldn't have to let them back in. It was minus 10c out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39559

You deserved it

4219

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By whatheffers - 7/7/2010 16:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using Lady GaGa lyrics. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66245

You deserved it

8878

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Top comments

By Amanda Howard | 9

#7897837 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 5:35

how does him having to please you better makes you have dreams about women? You might be bi just tossing it out there

By Tom O'Halloran | 9

#7897840 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 5:52

I think it is time for you AND your husband to start seeing other men...

COMMENTS

By Amanda Howard | 9

#7897837 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 5:35

how does him having to please you better makes you have dreams about women? You might be bi just tossing it out there

By RichardPencil | 28

#7897839 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 5:48

Tell him he should be nervous about you switching teams.

Cunnilingus isn't the only way to please a woman. You can always work harder and bring home more money.😂

By Tom O'Halloran | 9

#7897840 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 5:52

I think it is time for you AND your husband to start seeing other men...

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7897999 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 20:05

made sure to put the hetero pants on today, eh?

By Dale Gulley | 8

#7897947 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 14:30

Are you well “groomed”, is there a odor issue? If no, then it’s not you for sure. It’s him. I’ve heard of these guys before. Can’t understand it, but I’ve heard of them.

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7898001 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 20:06

if the genders were swapped, there'd be a fuck load of women here complaining. saying he should respect her right to refuse sexual favors and other such cluckery.

Isaac Shields | 8

#7898015 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 21:22

exactly

Vanderdale | 14

#7898287 - Thursday 16 April 2020 20:39

Sure, but it's a give and take. Does he expect her to give blowjobs? If yes, it's pretty selfish of him not to return the favor.

By 1known | 29

#7898826 - Sunday 19 April 2020 1:02

Too bad for you. I just hope he’s not getting any bj from you. If he does, just stop.

By oscarito415 | 6

#7899604 - Tuesday 21 April 2020 17:30

Not that it’s your fault, but you’re finding out he won’t go down at all after being married..?

By bltoth | 8

#7899998 - Thursday 23 April 2020 6:07

WTF... Who's on first? What's on second and third? Can I get a cast list with pictures?