By kaley - 14/12/2019 03:00

Real dream

Today, I woke up to find that I had given myself a haircut in my sleep. I have a presentation today and a job interview tomorrow. FML

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1641

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Dangling modifier

Whatthefuckaburger

The student becomes the master

By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 14:08 - United States

Today, I was running outside. On the last mile I am along side some fields. While running along the side of the road I glanced down and saw a snake. I was so startled I jumped left in front of a car screaming like a girl. The snake was dead. FML

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37359

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2019 20:02

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me. All because I’m thinking of moving to the UK next year to study, and apparently, a girl he’s been thinking about for a week is a better option. FML

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1621

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By ihateveganism - 22/8/2012 04:19 - United States - Barrington

Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML

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41052

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By Oriianna Raiinbow - 23/10/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, talking to my boyfriend about each others families, we noticed we both had an aunt with the same name. After a while of trying to figure things out, we decide to call her. Turns out that we are long distance cousins. FML

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58640

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2019 20:00

He is lucky

Today, I bought a drink and a sandwich to a homeless guy, but he turned them down because in the last hour of begging he's raked in over £60 and usually begs nearly £300 a day, so, he doesn't need my charity. This homeless bum makes more than I do in a full time job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1977

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170

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2012 16:11 - United States - Olathe

Today, I was watching TV with my grandma. I said aloud, "Dang, that actor is hot." My grandma pointed out he was a spitting image of my cousin. I realized she was right, and that I may as well be attracted to my own cousin. FML

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22838

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By Maruska28 - 7/9/2017 20:00

Today, we bought our first home after months of searching and years of saving. It's directly in the path of Hurricane Irma and may be destroyed before we even get the chance to move in. FML

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4831

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392

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By crazyclumzy - 4/2/2010 05:05 - Canada

Today, I had lunch with a co-worker, and after having a good talk and enjoying each others company, we got up to leave. Right before we said goodbye, she looked me right in the face and looking legitimately confused said "you know, I really don't understand why no one at work likes you." FML

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32972

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By badjob - 12/9/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I called the company with whom I had a job interview last week, which I thought went great, but hadn't heard back from. One of the interviewers claimed that I tried to grope her. FML

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36136

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By depressedpreggo - 18/11/2012 11:00 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was grocery shopping. When I turned around I noticed a group of teens passing by laughing. I didn't think anything of it until I got to my cart. The losers had left a pack of Slim Fast in my cart. I'm pregnant. FML

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32861

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By unlucky - 20/4/2013 21:17 - United States - Wheeling

Today, I came home from a four month stay in Africa, where I managed to avoid suffering any serious illness. Some hours after my first meal back at home, I got food poisoning. FML

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46710

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By Emily S - 9/10/2011 05:17 - Australia

Today, I let a guy I like look at my phone. A second later I remembered I had a secret copy of his Facebook profile picture on there to show a friend what he looked like. I was forced to tackle him to get my phone back. FML

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By hannieannie - 9/2/2016 21:51 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, my boyfriend said he was too tired to have sex with me because he'd spent the whole day jerking off. FML

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25234

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By nurse - 13/9/2019 02:01 - Norway

Boing!

Today, I was giving a patient an injection when I heard a cracking sound and the needle was gone. Panicking, I got a doctor to have a look. The patient was sent to have x-rays to find the needle in her thigh. I then noticed the springback system in the syringe. FML

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By Andrew - 14/7/2015 17:59 - United States - Blackwood

Today, I heard my ten-year-old brother say, "Are hamburgers a reptile?" FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2011 03:12 - United States

Today, I was finally having sex with the man of my dreams, and then he fell asleep on top of me. FML

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44413

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By StratMan - 28/5/2011 16:44 - United States

Today, I worked up the courage to confess my feelings to this girl I'm crazy about. I even wrote and recorded a song for her. Instead of listening to it, she gave it to her ex boyfriend who responded to my heartfelt words by headbutting me. FML

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By Jrlloyd013 - 19/12/2009 22:33 - United States

Today, I had a surprise test for Economics. While taking the test, I put my head down so I could think. A while later, I awoke to the whole class turning in their test. I had to turn in my test incomplete. No questions answered, just my name, the date, and a pool of drool. FML

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9779

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By crankg - 21/10/2011 04:57 - United States

Today, my roomie had guests over. I didn't feel like socializing, but I really had to piss. So I pissed in the plant in my room, spilled half of it, mopped it up with an old shirt, and went to bed. FML

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By Jibber96 - 14/11/2015 13:31 - Norway - Oslo

Today, I was walking with a friend to tell him how excited I was for college and even motivating him to apply for the same school, until I found out later that I got rejected. FML

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23019

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By reddd - 10/5/2012 06:44 - United States

Today, I purposely wore a red shirt to Target just so people would talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2020 03:30

Yeah, that probably wouldn't work

Today, a coworker was telling me he was lonely and needed someone special in his life. I replied, "Why don't you find yourself a girlfriend?" He looked at me weird and said, "I'm gay." FML

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1340

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By kittyfiddlernono - 23/6/2013 19:39 - Bulgaria - Pernik

Today, I went on a date with a seemingly really awesome guy. It went quite well, until dessert came and he started telling me why bestiality "isn't really so wrong, you know?" Riiiggghhttt. Looks like I'm still single. FML

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By thinkimquitting - 25/6/2012 21:49 - Australia - Yarraville

Today, my boss grabbed my arm, raised it above my head, closed my other hand into a fist, and pushed it into his armpit. After staring at me for several seconds, he winked and left without saying a word. This isn't the weirdest thing he's done, and I'm actually starting to fear for my safety. FML

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31886

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2017 15:00 - United States - Stevenson Ranch

Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes

Today, after pranking my roommate several times by putting lube in his hand sanitizer bottle, he got me back by putting sanitizer in my lube. FML

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3726

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By Michelle Jade - 5/9/2018 22:00

#worthit

Today, I'm lying in a hospital bed with two broken leg bones, a reattached tendon, and four screws holding my leg together. Why? Because I wanted chocolate milk and some asshat didn't see me walking across the road. FML

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2867

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By ProudMama - 8/1/2012 00:50 - United States

Today, I arrived home. I'd left for a business trip 5 days earlier, and trusted my husband with our young boys. As soon as I stepped in the door, I noticed my son had thinner hair than when I'd left. He then showed me an empty container of Nair. FML

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27164

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By DoggyBlues - 29/11/2011 01:50 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me he wants a security guard to come with us on our honeymoon to Hawaii. Apparently, watching Dog the Bounty Hunter has made him feel unsafe. FML

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27154

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By Oja1 - 16/12/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, my mother sold my extensive Star Wars collection, and I cried when I found out. I'm 46. FML

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33418

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By anonymous - 6/5/2015 13:36 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my mom got mad at me because I wouldn't write to Ellen Degeneres about her. She now won't talk to me. FML

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30547

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3212

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By NotASportsGuy - 6/9/2015 12:46 - United States - Long Island City

Today, I started my new job. The first thing my coworkers asked me is what football team I like. When I told them I didn't really like sports, they immediately stopped talking to me and haven't since, even when I ask them work-related questions. FML

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24516

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By stressedoutsquaddie - 22/3/2016 21:02 - United Kingdom - York

Today, while away on training with the army, my housemates rang me to tell me some news. They had found a perfect house for next year and they had put an offer on it. The only problem? There are 5 of us and the house is for 4. Guess who hasn't been included. FML

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19605

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By smokeysarah94 - 4/3/2013 01:17 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my boss and I had to come up with a code to call if a person acts inappropriately towards me because I "attract too many weirdos." FML

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33290

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By ALO - 21/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Bossier City

Married life

Today, I found out my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me with "10-15" people. FML

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2838

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183

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By labie - 9/2/2018 01:30

Today, my girlfriend angrily broke up with me. The reason? I misgendered her new dog. FML

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4981

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522

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By katiebell - 4/10/2019 12:00

Crossed purposes

Today, while I was walking home, a homeless man saw me and didn't ask for change, but how much I charged. FML

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1322

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2013 04:28 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my husband of 3 years learned that he's going to be a father. No, I'm not pregnant. FML

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68413

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By bananamuffin - 30/3/2012 19:13 - United States

Today, I realized that the "holla" tattoo I stupidly got on my lower lip five years ago isn't fading as I expected it to, and will probably contribute to my unemployment for years to come. FML

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6984

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2009 23:35 - United States

Today, I woke up to see that I had two black eyes from a cheerleading stunt gone wrong yesterday. I decided to curl my hair to distract from them. While curling my hair I accidentally burned my cheek. I now have two black eyes and a huge burn on my cheek. My extended family is coming tomorrow. FML

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27697

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By ks0300 - 24/2/2010 05:47 - United States

Today, while visiting my in-laws, I went into their home office in search of a sheet of scrap paper. Instead, I found printed copies of every email and IM my husband and I had ever sent each other, including pictures. Highlighted and annotated by his mother. FML

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Top comments

By XPiemaster | 16

#7866864 - Saturday 14 December 2019 3:59

Damn! You really cutting your hair in your sleep? You gotta be careful!!

By Charlie Given | 22

#7866973 - Saturday 14 December 2019 15:22

I'd recommend seeing a sleep specialist right now before you do something to hurt yourself or somebody else sleepwalking is dangerous

COMMENTS

By XPiemaster | 16

#7866864 - Saturday 14 December 2019 3:59

Damn! You really cutting your hair in your sleep? You gotta be careful!!

By mccuish | 17

#7866935 - Saturday 14 December 2019 10:25

How do you manage that one?

By Charlie Given | 22

#7866973 - Saturday 14 December 2019 15:22

I'd recommend seeing a sleep specialist right now before you do something to hurt yourself or somebody else sleepwalking is dangerous

By cosmic | 9

#7866997 - Saturday 14 December 2019 20:04

get some hair cutting appointment for tonight. extra income while sleeping 🤣🤣

By PryderPlayer017 | 5

#7867000 - Saturday 14 December 2019 20:45

At least your hair is all that you cut...