Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up to a pile of hair on my floor. I looked in the...

By Larz - Canada

Today, I woke up to a pile of hair on my floor. I looked in the mirror and realized the hair was from my head. I had a dream about cutting my hair and I guess it came true. FML

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Miscellaneous

Triage

And today, on Dr Phil…

Sounds like a keeper

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my mum and I decided to go on a hike. Beforehand we left my car at the end of the trail and took my mums car to the beginning. After 4 hours we arrived at my car. I had left my keys in mums car. It was a long walk back. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sackville

Today, my crazy drug-addict mother kicked me out of the house after siding with my crazy, drug-addict aunt, who'd just threatened to slit my throat. FML

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29910

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By Anonymous - United States - Brecksville

Today, I smelled chicken nuggets and asked my boyfriend if he was making some. He wasn't. It was my armpits. FML

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24421

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By Username - Japan

Today, I quit my job and sent a mass mail on Facebook that I was moving to a different state with my long time boyfriend. He called me later that night to tell me we aren't moving after all. Now we are both jobless with loads of bills to pay by the end of the month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend found out I have OCD. When I touch something with one hand I have to touch it with the other or I freak. After I brushed his face with the back of my hand he tackled me to the floor, held me down, and laughed at me while I panicked and tried to touch him with my other hand. FML

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By Carrie - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my water broke while my boyfriend was breaking up with me. FML

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80530

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By meatballz - United States

Today, I went on my first date with a girl I have been infatuated with for months. At the restaurant, the waiter came while she was in the bathroom. I ordered steaks for both of us. Turns out, she is vegetarian, and doesn't like it when men are "overly aggressive". She called me a cow murderer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He's Latino, so I thought he'd like it if I made a bit of noise and called him "papi" while we did it. It freaked him out enough to kill his boner, and now he thinks I have some kind of incest fetish. FML

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By fishyrael

What he is thinking?

Today, I was on a long road trip and I really had to pee. With no rest stop for miles and night having fallen, I decided to pull over on the side of the highway and pee in a fast food cup. A cop knocked on the window to see if everything was okay, while I was mid-squat. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2021 08:01

Impressive

Today, I had a big job interview on Zoom. I forgot my name was set as "Fat F***". I joined the call and the older lady interviewing me was very offended. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2020 19:59

Look mom!

Today, I was having my 9 year-old son help me find the TV remote. We were searching my bedroom when all the sudden my son says, “Look, mom it’s right here!” I turn around to see him pointing to where the remote was with my vibrator like a teacher pointing at a blackboard with a pointer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my husband keeps in contact with the woman he was infatuated with in high school. He texts her more than he texts me. FML

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By Noname - Australia

Today, after seeing a girl for a few weeks on and off I sent her a text to see if she wanted to go out the next saturday. Predictive text changed "go" to "in". So..."Why don't we in out on saturday?" She stopped calling me. FML

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By maniac11 - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. I really had to use the bathroom, but decided to wait. After about an hour, I went to the restroom. I pissed for so long that when I walked out her family all started clapping. FML

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By drano - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier at my job. A guy came up with a cart full of stuff and it took me 10 minutes to ring it all up. When I told him his total, he felt his pockets, said "Oh shit I forgot my wallet!" and walked away. He left about 15 bags worth of things for me to put back. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to Walmart with all my birthday money, which I had in a wallet with my permit and everything else. I was sat on a bench looking for items for my iPod Touch However… I left my wallet behind. Turns out an old couple stole it. I got my shit jacked by grandparents. FML

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By Anonymous

Whack-a-Mole

Today, I had to pick my daughter up from pre-school because she repeatedly hit another kid with a stick. Apparently, my parents have been letting her watch violent action movies again. FML

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By CaptMacLeod - United States - Lancaster

Today, after weeks of eating in the same restaurant, I finally worked up the nerve to ask the super-cute cashier for her phone number. "Aw, how cute. Do you have an older brother?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate hooked up with a guy she met at a party. After telling me about it, she says to me, "Maybe next time we go out we'll hit someone over the head and drag him back here for you." Apparently the only way I can get a guy is if he's unconscious. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my 92-year-old great-grandfather ran down the stairs in excitement, despite his severe arthritis. He told my great-grandmother that he was having the first erection in over 10 years, and grandma ordered me to leave so they could do it right there. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my sister asked me if I was going to be getting married "for real" this time, because she didn't want to waste her money like she did on my previous engagement. The reason that one didn't work out in the first place is because she slept with my fiancé. FML

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By Embarrassed - Germany

Today, while having dinner with my boyfriend's family, his mom told me that it looks like I've gained quite some weight. When my boyfriend told her that this was a rude thing to say, she said it wasn't rude, just the truth. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to endure my father going on a sexist rant about how women shouldn't be allowed to go to university because it's "unrealistic" since "all women" become stay-at-home mums. This is the same man who threatened to kick me out if I dropped out of uni. FML

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35497

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By terpity12 - United States

Today, I rescheduled my doctor's appointment for a tetanus shot to go camping with my friends. While running on a path at the camp site, I stepped on a rusty nail that went right through my shoe and into my foot. Maybe I should have kept my appointment. FML

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By really?!? - United States - Wendell

Today, I was driving my 9 month pregnant sister around in our golf cart and it died. I had to push it the rest of the way home. She wouldn't stop faking going into labor. FML

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By HolyyMolyy

Quickie

Today, I was ecstatic to have received a friend request from my crush of grade 4 after 11 years. He's grown up to be such a hottie. I quickly accepted his request, he messaged me and we ended up chatting for hours. Later, when I messaged him, he called me clingy and unfriended me from Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2020 10:57

You BARBARIAN!

Today, my flatmate was once again passive aggressive and angry at me, despite being sweet and pleasant to everyone else. My crime? Putting a baking tray in the dishwasher without scrubbing it first. FML

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By dating walter white's gf apparently - United Kingdom

Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Landlords are scum

Today, I found out that my landlord is sleeping with my girlfriend, and he won’t let me out of my lease. FML

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By alison - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. All the magic vanished when I kept queefing every time he thrust into me. We made it about 10 seconds before he broke down into hysterical laughter and lost his boner. FML

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By floggingnasty - United States

Today, I got a new roommate in the dorms. When I got back to my room, I could smell her feet before I even opened my door. FML

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By hotmommy

Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. Let's just say Santa had a present for me. FML

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By NoComparison - United States

Today, I was accepted to Harvard's law program. Prestigious right? After hearing the good news the only thing my parents talked about over dinner was who they wanted to win American Idol: Adam, Kris or Danny. FML

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By Cantbreath94 - Canada

Today, while at work, I got a call. They left a voicemail. It was a 7 minute voicemail of the mattress squeaking and my mom screaming my dad's name. I am going to their house for supper tonight. FML

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37454

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By Goosey - United States

Today, I was on Tiger TV, our high school's monthly TV program which was shown at lunch today. I was being interviewed and at one point the reporter made me laugh. I have a goose laugh so everyone in the lunch room started laughing. Then they played it in slow motion. Twice. FML

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31447

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By Anonymous - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I was leaning over a fence in a pasture to get a closer look at something. Nobody warned my nuts that it was an electric fence. FML

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23552

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By jjgirl - 1/11/2020 05:02

Weight Watchers

Today, I proudly announced to my mother that I would cut down on sugar. Without missing a beat, her response was, “Out. You need to cut it out.” FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I was at the mall and I noticed this guy staring at me from across the food court. He smiled and waved at me so I walked over there and tried to talk to him. He was looking at his girlfriend the whole time. FML

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21442

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By Anonymous - United States - Ridgefield

Today, I went out to get groceries and ice-cream. When I got home, I couldn't find my house keys. I retraced my steps, but with no luck, so I returned home and had to break in. While unpacking, I found my keys in the bag, right next to the completely melted ice cream. FML

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By heresmybellybotton - United States

Today, I was babysitting a little girl down the street. She pulled out her 'memory box', which contained many childhood treasures. After pulling out a variety of dresses and baby pictures, she says, "... and here's my belly button!" and plops an umbilical chord in my hands. FML

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Top comments

By schwancy | 2

#2012076 - Thursday 27 January 2011 9:39

Ooo! Dream about winning the lottery next.

By kbourco | 0

#2011975 - Thursday 27 January 2011 9:15

Oh gosh lol, thats terrible

COMMENTS

By kbourco | 0

#2011975 - Thursday 27 January 2011 9:15

Oh gosh lol, thats terrible

I_R_Genius | 3

#2012137 - Thursday 27 January 2011 9:57

Hey what can I sat. no guy likes it hairy.

I_R_Genius | 3

#2012146 - Thursday 27 January 2011 9:58

say* ,*

afdude87 | 6

#2012274 - Thursday 27 January 2011 11:07

for a genius you sure correct yourself a lot

vivienmleigh | 0

#2013327 - Thursday 27 January 2011 13:58

^WIN

JaydnGage | 0

#2013346 - Thursday 27 January 2011 14:03

If it was your dream this shouldn't be an FML.

5t3ff1k4h | 44

#2013897 - Thursday 27 January 2011 18:15

She dreamt that she cut her hair. She woke up to find she really did cut her hair. Yes, this is an FML.

Withired_Away | 0

#2014447 - Thursday 27 January 2011 22:26

30, you have no shirt:O

linarahmany | 6

#4960702 - Saturday 22 September 2012 19:19

Atleast now we now dreams do come true:D

By bummervacation | 10

#2012008 - Thursday 27 January 2011 9:21

Hairy situation, eh?

Dr_Awesome654 | 24

#6553881 - Monday 7 March 2016 5:22

Well no, it isn't hairy...

By nicesprites | 4

#2012014 - Thursday 27 January 2011 9:22

that sucks but you can try out some crazy new hairstyles right?

By Pisces86 | 0

#2012023 - Thursday 27 January 2011 9:24

So how exactly did you do this while you were asleep

Tikwichka | 5

#2012058 - Thursday 27 January 2011 9:31

Probably using scissors...

lovexbox | 8

#2012185 - Thursday 27 January 2011 10:09

How would she know? She was sleeping lol

By Acousticpixie14 | 6

#2012043 - Thursday 27 January 2011 9:28

I sleep walk, so I feel your pain. ]:

By Pinkanani | 12

#2012074 - Thursday 27 January 2011 9:38

I would cry! I'm sorry OP. I hope you didn't cut it too short.

By schwancy | 2

#2012076 - Thursday 27 January 2011 9:39

Ooo! Dream about winning the lottery next.

By TheAftermath | 0

#2012087 - Thursday 27 January 2011 9:42

Friend: Hey, why do you have a huge bald spot on your head?
You: Oh this? It wasn't anything big. I had a dream about cutting my own hair and it somehow came true.
Friend: ...Oh, that's..nice?

By dut777 | 0

#2012095 - Thursday 27 January 2011 9:46

o i hope you dont dream about cuting a finger or somethibg else if you're a man...

By Jonkbaby | 20

#2012103 - Thursday 27 January 2011 9:49

send me the hair

JonaDona | 2

#2012311 - Thursday 27 January 2011 11:21

just dream about it, because apparently dreams do come true!