Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunderstorm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML
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Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML
Today, I was trying to sleep when I saw a head looming from the darkness with no eyes and a mouth open like a silent scream. I just froze and pissed myself. It was my daughter wanting to cuddle with us. Alas, the bed was wet, so she got put back in her bed, while we had to share the sofa downstairs. FML
Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML
Today, I was taking a nap with my 5 month-old on the (carpeted) floor in the living room. When I woke up, my daughter had bombed her diaper, and her and the dogs were rolling in it on the carpet and tiled kitchen. FML
Today, I ran into my infant daughter's room because I thought I heard her crying, and found she was still sound asleep in her crib. The screams were coming from the mouse our cat was using to paint her bedroom walls. FML
Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the face. She had just pooped her nappy and put her hands down her pants to "feel it squish around." FML
Today, I was awakened by a small scary dark figure approaching me while making creepy noises. I screamed, kicked it away, and buried my face under my pillow. Later, after braving up, I turned on the lights. It was my sick 3-year-old niece, now dazed and coughing blood. FML
Today, as I was trying to fall asleep, I was jolted awake by my oldest cat who'd decided it would be perfect to power-puke all over my bed. FML
Today, I was upstairs with my wife when I heard my cat scream from the porch downstairs. I ran down to find her "puffed up" and growling on the floor, and a corner of the screen next to the door busted out. I still have no idea what caused it and my wife is now afraid to go to sleep. FML
Today, I was wrapping presents for my daughter, trying to be really quiet. Behind me, the cat decided to climb the tree, which then fell on top of me and I couldn't move. My daughter had to help me up. She now knows everything she's getting for Christmas this year. FML
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Top comments
truslide 0
LMAO must have been a hard kick to do that and even then, why the hell would you kick a cat that hard?
uhmfml 0
I don't think your child will be crawling in your bed anymore for a while... if ever.
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Comments (1184)
qpzm 0
Was she ok?
ryansims 0
Child abuse you ******* dick
Disastrous 0
Yea, show your daughter who is the boss of the bed
SuperSpore 0
Was your bed right next to the wall? Like, touching the wall? I guess not. WHY THE **** WOULD YOU KICK ANYTHING THAT HARD?!
cheergal101 0
Hahaha who kicks cats that hard??
cjc24 0
Ok .your a fucktard
ifence2win 0
LOL sorry dude but that is really funny and that is a harsh way to get a cat off a bed
Fraggle 0
K, too many comments to see if someone mentioned this, but my question; If you were taking a nap, who was watching your TWO YEAR OLD that allowed her to wander off and CLIMB up onto whatever you were napping on? Sounds like all kinds of neglect going on in that household. Some people are NOT fit to be parents.... just 'cause you can make a baby doesn't mean you SHOULD
shelby0716 0
Wow, you are horrible. I'm sure a cat would be significantly lighter than a two tear old...
rallets 22
well i want to be like everyone else..why would you kick a cat/baby that hard? anyways, how far did she fly? did she get some good distance at least? and did she stick the landing?