Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff, just in time for her to clench tight, and pull violently. She didn't know "it" was in her hand, as she was trying to cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen. FML
Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to touch my girlfriend's back with my cold hands. She thought it would be funny to crush my left testicle with her knee as I was trying to fall asleep. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend grinning at me, her hand on my junk. I grinned back, then looked down and saw blood smeared all over her hand and my junk. After I started screaming and crying, she laughed and said it was fake blood. She recorded everything. FML
Today, I woke up with a wax strip on my chest and my girlfriend sitting next to me on the bed laughing. She pulled the strip. I screamed. FML
Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try something new. I ended up tied to the bed, and my girlfriend discovered how ticklish I am. Worst 3 hours of my life. FML
Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, and had to run to the bathroom to evacuate my bowels. She heard the horrible sounds, and I doubt I'll ever be able to seduce her again. FML
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Top comments
buck33 14
Well I'd scream too.
dragonstrike94 8
What the he'll is wrong with her
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Comments (469)
nvo 6
That's not funny. She's crazy!!
xela96 0
I would've broken up with her as soon as those scissors were put away. Who the hell does that honestly?!
emma_says 6
Are we not allowed to use anatomically correct words for genitals on this site or something? Why do FMLs always use such bizarre terms like "crotch-sausage", "piss pipe", and "snow globes"? Does anybody really talk like that?
someguy314159265 15
You know, the word "penis" came from the Latin word meaning "tail". It's been happening for way longer than you think.
UsernameHere234 13
what in the ****? That's ****** up. run while you've still got a dick.
HunterAlpha1 8
i would have shot her dead. anyone but me brings scissors anywhere near Little HunterAlpha1 and they get a .45 hollowpoint in the forehead.
mitchw0 0
dump the bitch!
BobbieH 19
Why? What did you do to provoke this type of response? If you did nothing then you need to run as fast as you can from this pysco!
secretkeeper911 4
I say YDI for calling it a "crotch sausage." What the hell?
Nthabz 8
Crotch-sausage?? Lol. That really made me laugh. On a serious note, get out while you still have your crotch-sausage. What kind of sick person does that??
charvisioku 22
****, what a psycho. That's not even funny, what if she'd slipped and actually cut you? You'd be better off dumping her, she's batshit crazy mate.