Today, at work, I booked a vet appointment for an African Gray to get a birth control implant. I didn’t even know that was a thing and I definitely never thought that a parrot would have a more active sex life than me. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML
Today, my pet parrot learned a new trick. In addition to imitating my dog, and my voice when I call my mother, it can now imitate my sex noises, and likes to screech them whenever someone comes into the room. FML
Today, I realised my parrot loves to masturbate on anything soft I own, like my sweater, house socks, blanket, and even my hair bun on the top of my head. I only realised this when my boyfriend pointed out that my parrot was humping my bun. FML
Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching. Turns out, my roommate bought a parrot without consulting me first. Even better, my roommate expects me to pay for half of the bird's expenses. FML
Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML
Today, I was making breakfast with my parrot on my shoulder. He was excited about the food, and in his rush to climb down to the counter, bit through my nipple. I had to get stitches. FML
Today, I had the mole on my neck removed. By my pet bird. FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, her pet bird whistled a tune she'd been trying to teach it. She stopped and congratulated it, and I took the chance to move it to the other room to prevent further distraction. She got mad and wouldn't let me back in bed because I just "untrained it." FML
Today, on vacation, I had my first encounter with a macaw parrot, who promptly bit my ear and shat on me while amused tourists laughed and took pictures. FML
Today, coming home, I opened up my door to find my drunk boyfriend trying to teach our three baby parakeets to perch on his erect penis. FML
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Top comments
kfchicken 31
animals are much less picky than humans, you're comparing apples and oranges dont get too down.
trashcan_man 16
Its a personal rule for me to never **** a fugly parrot.
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Comments (3)
RichardPencil 32
She's probably a better conversationalist than you.
babadgirl 6
How rude.
kfchicken 31
animals are much less picky than humans, you're comparing apples and oranges dont get too down.
RichardPencil 32
Male parrots don't care if female parrots are fugly, but male humans do.
trashcan_man 16
Its a personal rule for me to never **** a fugly parrot.
Jillian Cosby-Kelly 15
really hoping this is only because the owner has trained the bird in free flight, and does so with other greys.