Animals, Contraception and Birds: Polly wants it

Polly wants it

By Kelly - 23/07/2020 02:01

Today, at work, I booked a vet appointment for an African Gray to get a birth control implant. I didn’t even know that was a thing and I definitely never thought that a parrot would have a more active sex life than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 457

You deserved it 181

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Same thing different taste

By NestHead - 01/10/2013 17:32 - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 096

You deserved it 5 865

By Anonymous - 12/03/2013 04:43 - United States

Today, my pet parrot learned a new trick. In addition to imitating my dog, and my voice when I call my mother, it can now imitate my sex noises, and likes to screech them whenever someone comes into the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 196

You deserved it 9 274

By Zannanana - 30/10/2018 05:00

Today, I realised my parrot loves to masturbate on anything soft I own, like my sweater, house socks, blanket, and even my hair bun on the top of my head. I only realised this when my boyfriend pointed out that my parrot was humping my bun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 742

You deserved it 337

By In urgent need of a new roommate - 26/03/2014 23:44 - United States - West Linn

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching. Turns out, my roommate bought a parrot without consulting me first. Even better, my roommate expects me to pay for half of the bird's expenses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 553

You deserved it 3 366

By Moanie - 15/03/2009 22:45 - United States

Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 368

You deserved it 29 517

By No Nip - 25/04/2019 12:00

Today, I was making breakfast with my parrot on my shoulder. He was excited about the food, and in his rush to climb down to the counter, bit through my nipple. I had to get stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 987

You deserved it 486

By Sarah - 18/07/2019 12:00

Today, I had the mole on my neck removed. By my pet bird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 692

You deserved it 195

By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 14:03 - United States

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, her pet bird whistled a tune she'd been trying to teach it. She stopped and congratulated it, and I took the chance to move it to the other room to prevent further distraction. She got mad and wouldn't let me back in bed because I just "untrained it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 477

You deserved it 7 712

By Devil's Pigeon - 18/04/2017 14:00

Today, on vacation, I had my first encounter with a macaw parrot, who promptly bit my ear and shat on me while amused tourists laughed and took pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 249

You deserved it 413

By facepalm - 15/10/2014 23:36 - United States - Gainesville

Today, coming home, I opened up my door to find my drunk boyfriend trying to teach our three baby parakeets to perch on his erect penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 427

You deserved it 4 387

kfchicken 31

Thursday 23 July 2020 7:40

animals are much less picky than humans, you're comparing apples and oranges dont get too down.

trashcan_man 16

Saturday 25 July 2020 17:22

Its a personal rule for me to never **** a fugly parrot.

Comments

RichardPencil 30

Thursday 23 July 2020 3:39

She's probably a better conversationalist than you.

babadgirl 6

Friday 24 July 2020 23:48

How rude.

kfchicken 31

Thursday 23 July 2020 7:40

animals are much less picky than humans, you're comparing apples and oranges dont get too down.

RichardPencil 30

Thursday 23 July 2020 16:03

Male parrots don't care if female parrots are fugly, but male humans do.

trashcan_man 16

Saturday 25 July 2020 17:22

Its a personal rule for me to never **** a fugly parrot.

Jillian Cosby-Kelly 15

Saturday 25 July 2020 22:10

really hoping this is only because the owner has trained the bird in free flight, and does so with other greys.

Keywords

Embarrassing Love Poopoo peepee Miscellaneous Christmas Romantic Break-ups Money Annoying Gross Ironic Argument Friends Awkward Cute Haircut Holidays Lonely Relatable Work Bosses Capitalism You're fired Cars Covid Health Jealousy Cheating Parenting Kids

The Top

Today, I asked my boyfriend to spend the night at my house because my dad would be working out of town, and once the rest of the house left I thought it'd be sweet if he snuck in my room and slept with me. His reply was, "Why bother? You're on your period, it's not like we can do anything." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 266

You deserved it 14 171

Today, after nearly a week of having laryngitis, I was finally able to talk a little again. Then I yelled at my son for leaving his shit all over the living room, strained my throat, and can barely even whisper now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 125

You deserved it 755

The Top

Today, I couldn't get to work because I couldn't find my car keys. It turns out, my mother took them and put them "somewhere safe." She can't remember where they are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 125

You deserved it 2 545

Today, while my friend and I signed the guest-book at a wedding, the drunk guy at our table stole my friend's painkillers and car keys before getting into a cab. Didn't need the painkillers, definitely needed the keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 356

You deserved it 2 880

Today, my daughter's new boyfriend must be clinically insane, as he accused me of being a secret Russian supporter because my name is Joseph, which is also the first name of Joseph Stalin. He was completely serious and refuses to be around me in case I’m memorising his pro-Ukraine talk FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 116

You deserved it 88

Today, I went camping with my boyfriend. We were sleeping on a small slope. He got so drunk he peed in his sleep. I was downhill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 944

You deserved it 160

Today, when I was done masturbating to the thought of my crush I noticed my phone was lit up. I turned it over and stared in horror as I saw a call connected to him. I had been loudly moaning his name. I guess I hit his speed dial when I was setting my phone down. He was definitely still on the line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 865

You deserved it 4 045

Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her a pregnancy test. After using it, we couldn't find how to tell if she was or wasn't pregnant. After about 10 minutes of waiting, Google searching, and tension, I realized I had bought an ovulation test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 367

You deserved it 23 136

Polly wants it

Same thing different taste

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