By Lissa - 13/1/2021 01:58

Start worrying

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend doesn’t have me as a pinned text message thread on his phone. But he definitely has his female best friend pinned. He even has a cute nickname for her. The girl he says, "Not to worry about." FML

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Messed up

And today, on Dr Phil…

Out of it

By csc4lyfe09 - United States

Today, while at my tutoring job, a middle school kid couldn't find a word in the online dictionary. I told him he could check a regular paperback dictionary. His response was, "That's what you did in your day. That's not what we do in our day." I'm only 19. FML

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29772

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By Cashier - United States

Today, at the end of my shift with a long line of customers, the older woman I was checking out calmly said, "You should take a minute to fix your hair dear, we have all been talking about it while we waited." FML

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29108

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By muffins69 - United States

Today, I untied the rope that was tied to my dog's collar because it was wrapped around the tree choking him. He immediately ran off down the street. I had to chase him barefoot in my boxers for 20 minutes till he got tired. FML

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24447

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By jkass - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by the police. The cop was my ex-boyfriend. He had no legitimate reason to pull me over, so he thoroughly checked my car. He gave me a defect notice and a fine. What for? A broken door lock, on my rear passenger door. FML

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36289

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By Lifeless - United States

Today, I put on makeup for a picture. My Facebook profile picture. That's how much of a life I actually have. FML

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14591

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By frenchgirl - United States

Today, I saw one of my favorite hockey players in public. I had met him once before, and to my shock, he remembered me. I was pretty excited until he started talking to his friend in French. He didn't seem to realize that I'm fluent in the language. He basically called me "ugly psycho bitch." FML

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41577

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By ...

Today, my girlfriend told me that her parents have a bet going on when we are going to break up. FML

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30374

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By stupidgirl - United States

Today, I changed all my plans, after months of him begging me to, so I could go to the same university as my long-term boyfriend. After I sent in my deposit, he told me we couldn't live together in college because I was "invading his space." FML

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27332

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By fartmaster - United States

Today, I was in a tour group going through a cave and our guide stopped, turned off the lights, and told us to be quiet so we could feel absolute silence. I farted. FML

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32225

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By kenyaliving - Kenya

Today, I've been living in Kenya in a nasty apartment for so long that when I looked down into my drink and saw a dead fly, I just picked it out and continued drinking. FML

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34797

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By Anonymous

Today, I let my 19-year-old son drive my Lexus to his date. At 11:00 p.m., I watched him pull into the driveway with a broken taillight, marks and scratches all over the car, the front bumper missing, and him being nearly passed out because he's so drunk. FML

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1956

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By something

Today, I was walking home from school and my stupid brother who comes earlier then me locked the storm door. I ended up trying every other door for 3 hours in below freezing temperature. I was numb everywhere. I rang the bell and my brother opened it. He was home the whole time. FML

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1307

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend, when all of the sudden, my friend sends me an IM picture of a granny bending over which pops up on my screen. I think my sex life is ruined forever. FML

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19615

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I offered my phone number to the guy I've been flirting back and forth with all week. He said no. FML

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25672

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4007

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By Unfortunate Painter - United States - Merced

Today, I found out the can of spray paint I got at Walmart yesterday has no spray nozzle, rendering it useless. I'm working on a project that needs to be done by the weekend, so I get to go wait in a huge line and risk being trampled to death tonight just to exchange one damn spray paint can. FML

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23705

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By nirvana_mama157 - United States

Today, my husband asked me, "Why do you love me?" I spent the next five minutes spilling my heart and soul out to him. After I'd asked the same question, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I don't." FML

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54944

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By Kolkata - Canada

Today, my son surprised me on my birthday with tickets to a concert I really wanted to see. I was excited, especially since I planned to buy them but couldn't due to the fact it was too expensive. I was ecstatic, until I found out he'd stolen my credit card to buy them. FML

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29514

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By jpmetz - United States

Today, my credit card got blocked. Apparently, my bank thinks buying a $130 flat iron online is suspicious. FML

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28712

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend's dad had a heart attack. Without realizing what I was saying, I texted her, "If you need anything, you know I'll be there in a heartbeat." FML

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31174

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By Minabee - United States

Today, I am meeting my boyfriend's very conservative parents for the first time, so I decided to dress appropriately and curl my hair to match. In so doing, I accidentally touched the iron to my neck, and now I have a burn there that closely resembles a hickey. FML

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31899

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By ClosetMishap - Canada

Today, I told my friends I had been hiding something that I wanted to come clean on. My one friend responds by saying, "FINALLY you come out of the closet. It's about time." I'm not gay. I was just going to tell them my parents were getting a divorce. FML

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By Ryan - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. She had her shirt off, and commented on the small size of her breasts. Trying to make her feel better, I said I dated smaller breasts. She replied by saying she'd dated bigger penises. FML

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19397

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By ap84 - United States

The nickname that sticks

Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My team mates waved and said "Bye POTHEAD!" They call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn't believe me. I'm grounded now because I have an abnormally-shaped head. I've never smoked pot. FML

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83631

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I noticed a weird smell coming from my four year old daughter's room. I went to investigate and found she had been using (and hiding) her garbage can as a toilet for when she "can't make it in time." FML

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37140

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By Anonymous - United States - Kankakee

Today, I fell asleep in class. One minute I'm listening to a lecture, and twenty-five minutes later, I'm waking up screaming in agony in front of everyone after biting my tongue in my sleep. FML

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19707

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By Jackmeister

Ouch

Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML

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1296

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Joseph

Bad, bad, bad

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for years. There was just one problem: it was so terrible I said, "I think I might be straight" about five minutes in just so it would stop. FML

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51295

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By myeyesburn - Canada

Dangleberries

Today, I got up from bed after a good night's sleep, and walked outside. The first thing I saw was my 60-ish year-old neighbor bent over, picking up a newspaper. He was wearing nothing but a way too short bathrobe and a pair of rubber boots. FML

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1489

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By Username - United States

Today, my dad woke me up for the second time to get me ready for school. Wanting me to prove I was really awake, he made me sit up. As soon as he left my room, I dozed off and faceplanted my nightstand. FML

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13259

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By why - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend convinced my current boyfriend to break up with me because "bros before hoes". They met for the first time last week. FML

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3267

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379

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By coward - United Kingdom

Today, after 4 days of avoiding me and screening his calls, my 24-year-old boyfriend sent his mother to break up with me on his behalf. FML

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24689

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I picked up on a telemarketer and started speaking in Portuguese. It turns out that this particular telemarketer spoke it as well. Every time I hung up, he called back. Telemarketers get really excited when they find out someone else speaks their language. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after sleeping with a guy I met at a party, I woke up to find him peeing in the corner of my room on my roommate's carpet. FML

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9492

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#LurkerForLife

Today, I realized that my social life is so dead the only thing I do that involves other people is read FML. I don't even participate in the comments. FML

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4676

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By so romantic - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a promise ring. It was so sweet and romantic, until he said, "I want to marry you one day. But I want to date some other girls first." FML

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43631

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By dumped - United States

Today, I logged onto facebook, and saw that one of my friends had just listed herself as in a relationship. I was happy for her, so I clicked the "like" button. Then I went to her page to see who her new boyfriend was. It was my boyfriend. FML

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By rawr_ily96 - 24/5/2020 08:00 - United States

Barf

Today, I was struck at home with a stomach virus. My dad, being an occasional insensitive smart-ass, decided to cook some bacon, sit right in front of the couch I was lying on, and eat the bacon. Last time I tried to eat bacon with a stomach virus... Not pretty. FML

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1206

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By Anonymous

The Breakfast Club 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, my husband's high school friends got together tonight. Nothing more pathetic than listening to a bunch of losers reliving their glory days as high school seniors. I honestly thought I would have picked someone better than this. My husband fucking peaked at 17. FML

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749

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Coplay

Today, my neighbor let me know that they've been taking care of my cats while I was away, including letting them in and out of my house. I don't own a cat. FML

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4047

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252

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a public toilet, enduring an extremely awkward silence between myself and the person in the next stall. In my rush to get out of there, I managed to get my ass stuck in the toilet seat, and ended up being pulled out by the maintenance men. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7963997 - Wednesday 13 January 2021 7:38

He's probably got her pinned in more places than on his phone. 😉

By jobekka | 16

#7963975 - Wednesday 13 January 2021 4:03

if it's a old relationship then yes fml, but if it's new it's not weird. he probably has a old relationship with lots of intern jokes and stuff. ease up and get to know him better instead :)

COMMENTS

By jobekka | 16

#7963975 - Wednesday 13 January 2021 4:03

if it's a old relationship then yes fml, but if it's new it's not weird. he probably has a old relationship with lots of intern jokes and stuff. ease up and get to know him better instead :)

Cesscout | 36

#7964066 - Wednesday 13 January 2021 12:31

She deserves it just for checking her boyfriend's phone !

By RichardPencil | 30

#7963997 - Wednesday 13 January 2021 7:38

He's probably got her pinned in more places than on his phone. 😉

By ghostinflames | 13

#7964025 - Wednesday 13 January 2021 9:26

Sounds like a ballless chicken shit.

By akvan | 10

#7964060 - Wednesday 13 January 2021 12:03

Yeah I'm usually that friend you shouldn't worry about, and guess what? Nothing has ever happened because we're just friends

By Crowned Sataness | 6

#7964097 - Wednesday 13 January 2021 14:57

are you really trying to judge your whole relationship based on the fact you're not pinned? he probably never got around to it. he still sees and answers your texts

By Something2474 | 3

#7964154 - Wednesday 13 January 2021 20:02

I mean she's his best freind.

They problay went trough alot together