Intimacy: Today, I was at a concert and an older man offered to let me...

By Lin - United States

Today, I was at a concert and an older man offered to let me stand in front of him because I'm short. It wasn't until the show started and people were jumping around did I realize he had a boner and was repeatedly bumping into me. FML

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Intimacy

Serious times

What a charmer

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

By Otherguy - France

Today, I was at a restaurant with a girl I like, and as I was getting my wallet out, I dropped a condom. She didn't see anything, and I didn't dare pick it up in case I drew attention to the "object". The waiter walked past, picked up, and held it out to me with a huge grin. FML

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By birdiebeth13 - United States - Chippewa Falls

Today, after my shift at the hospital ended, I happened to look into a full-length mirror. My new scrubs turned out to be see-through. Instead of my undies, everyone got a good look at my cellulite-ridden ass. Fan-fucking-tastic day to wear a thong. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I'm pregnant, my mom came over to do some nice things for me, such as clean my kitchen and cook a large pot of my favorite soup. When she left, I took a nap, planning to eat later. I woke up to find my roommates had trashed my kitchen and eaten all my soup. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent the entire day at school being called Meg. My name isn't Meg, so I started to get really annoyed and confused. Later, I found out it was because I look like Meg from the show Family Guy. She's known for being unpopular, unwanted, ugly, and stupid. FML

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By kay_jay1819 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had great sex and afterward decided to take a shower together. He left the room to get some towels, so I went to the bathroom and wait. I walked out of his room wearing nothing but a thong and ran into his mom who had come home from work early. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 08:01

Influencers

Today, my wife asked me to wrap an empty box to put under the Christmas tree. She didn't want her vlog followers to think she didn't get me any gifts. FML

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By 16isntsweet - United States

Today, I had my sweet sixteen party. All my best friends came to the microphone to make a little speech. When my boyfriend came to do his, he broke up with me. FML

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By taydean - United States

Today, my sister and I were eating at Wendy's. On the way out, I thought it would be funny to kick the door open and yell, "This is Sparta!" I lost my balance and fell flat on my butt. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent five hours in the back seat of a car with two dogs. Both had been sprayed by a skunk earlier in the day. One had a gas problem. FML

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1631

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By Face_loser - United States

Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend on her request because she "didn't have the heart to do it." Within twenty minutes I'd received 4 calls from mutual friends, including my best friend, telling me what a jerk I am. And one from my mom. FML

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By ihncredible - United States - Macomb

Today, I stepped on the scale and realized that I weigh more than the amount of money that I have in my bank account. FML

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By notpregnant - United States

Today, I updated my Facebook status to "It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood." My cousin, seeing the status, failed to pick up on the sarcastic humor. She called all my family members and tell them that I was pregnant. Including my husband in Iraq. FML

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By sickday

Today, I took my first holiday from work in over 6 months as it was my birthday. Today was also the day I woke up and vomited violently for 10 straight hours as a result of food poisoning. FML

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By crash - United States

Today, I went dirtbiking. While I was going down a hill, I spun out of control and flipped over my handle bars. I now have a sprained arm, multiple bruises and a crescent-shaped gash on my neck that looks like I was bitten. People are asking if my boyfriend and I were being frisky last night. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, thinking "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my school's ski trip got canceled, because "All the snow makes the roads unsafe." We can't go skiing because it's snowing. FML

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By ThanksAsshole - 28/3/2020 20:00

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, I got fired from a business I ran for almost 6 years. Why? The new owner refuses to close, despite our governor ordering non-essential businesses to close, and for people to stay home. I told her I wasn’t comfortable working, and that it was technically illegal. So she fired me in a group chat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brighton

Today, while on vacation with my family, my mother told me to put my phone in her purse, so it wouldn't get stolen. Someone stole her purse. FML

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26123

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By littlegirl - Canada

Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shot straight up my nose, causing me the worst nose bleed of my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, my sister and her two-year-old came to my place for a visit. Not long after arriving, my niece ripped off her diaper and immediately took a dump on my white carpet. Guess who had to 'suddenly' leave afterwards, leaving me to clean up the mess. FML

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By BetterThanFake - United States

Today, I made a fake MySpace so that I could flirt with my boyfriend and see what he would do. He ended up dumping me for the fake MySpace girl. FML

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By ChevRooon - United States

Today, I went to the gas station, paid the clerk, and drove off without pumping any gas. FML

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15112

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the beach with friends and I fell asleep while I was tanning. When I woke up, everyone was laughing hysterically. I asked what was so funny, and one of my friends replies, "you farted so loud in your sleep that you woke yourself up." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kenosha

Today, I started a new job. The synopsis of my training was, "You're starting a job you're going to hate and you'll be fired for entertaining yourself while waiting for us to give you more work. But you're going to love being here." FML

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By insertfoothere - United States

Today, after my son's new friend spent the night, I commented on how his hair had such a straight line in it from one ear to the other. I joked about how he must have fallen asleep with headphones on, or had bad hat hair. He informed me it was a scar from brain surgery he had when he was younger. FML

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By XxJennJennXxX - United States

Today, I got fired. My coworker decided to imitate my voice, stand outside of my boss's office door, and say insulting things about his daughter. FML

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By GDubeau24 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, the package I've waited for months for finally arrived. It turned out it wasn't for me, but for my sister, who bought the same thing only 2 weeks ago. When I called, the company told me they received my payment, but that there were no more of the item in stock. FML

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45966

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By thanks a lot - 4/5/2020 05:00

Great boyfriend, part 2

Today, my boyfriend made me a latte. It tasted off, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I drank it. Turns out he put laxatives in it as a prank. The idiot couldn’t just use one or two. He used so many that I had to go to the ER for severe dehydration after puking and shitting for hours. FML

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2686

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got hit by a car while riding my bike. Instead of coming to my aid, the driver just laid on his horn and screamed out the window for me to move my ass, because he had places to be. FML

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53259

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By bleach - United Kingdom

Today, I bought an expensive razor that's supposed to be great. My roommate asked if she could borrow it, and as her legs just looked like they needed touching up, I said sure. After a strangely long amount of time, she came back, thanked me and left. Her legs were still hairy. FML

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By thatgirl34 - Australia

Today, I received my new car-seat covers. I wrote my car off yesterday. FML

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11283

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By mairelys - Canada

Today, I tried talking to my boyfriend about our sex life. I was trying to express that I feel like we don't do it enough, but he wasn't very responsive. I ended up saying, "I wish you had a bigger sex drive" to which he answered, "I wish you had bigger boobs." FML

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By fuck florida - United States - San Francisco

Cool trick, mom

Today, I walked in on my mom showing her friends that she can deepthroat a banana. That's something I could've lived a long and happy life without seeing. FML

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By Forever sad - United States

Today, I learned that my mother might not live much longer. My boyfriend, instead of showing compassion asked me, "We're still having video chat sex, right?" FML

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By Hreid254 - United States - Temple

Today, my dogs somehow pulled the water spigot off the wall in my backyard. I now have my own private lake. FML

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19946

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By countryblumpkin - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, my husband begged me to go down on him while he sat on the toilet, taking a crap. He tried to convince me that we'd both somehow experience mind-blowing orgasms. FML

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65847

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the love of my life, who I've been going out with for two weeks only, asked me out because he lost a bet. Apparently I'm the punishment for not being able to eat 10 hot dogs. FML

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By baybuh - United States

Today, I realized that the cute freckle I noticed a few weeks ago is actually a giant blackhead. FML

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By mommydearist - United States

Today, my car broke down in the middle of the street. Lucky for me, two guys helped me push my car to the side of the road. Right when I was about to thank them, they stole my purse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to superglue a couple quarters to the sidewalk downtown and watch people try to pick them up. Unfortunately, street patrol was watching me glue everything the whole time. I was fined with public vandalism and defacing US currency. FML

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Top comments

By vaebouria | 0

#907293 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:23

dude that's fucking creepy! call the panda

By Eddie_Paints | 0

#907321 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:28

Did you enjoy Hannah Montana anyway??

COMMENTS

By luisavs | 0

#907273 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:17

0h yuck that sucks.
I hope he wasn't purposely bumping into you...

whatchutalkinbou | 0

#907315 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:28

I think it's pretty obvious he was 0_0

sublimaze | 6

#907357 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:42

YDI for being short

DeeBizz | 0

#907367 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:45

boner soup .

Repttar | 0

#907410 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 13:00

good, did u flash ur mameries, suck him and make him a sandwhich? if u didn't, quit ur bitching and get in the kitchen

theian01 | 3

#907418 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 13:08

I died reading #14's post. That was one of the best jokes he's had.

punkin76 | 0

#907524 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 14:19

I've had that happen myself.

Luckily it was a hot young guy though.

JohnyF | 0

#907609 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 15:15

12 hahahaha lol haha XD lol seriously it's not his fault

BadPinkKitty07 | 0

#907865 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 17:13

ok what I really want to know is, did you then move after bumping into the frozen hotdog, or were you feelin frisky and freaky and decided to stay there?

this question will be haunting me all day...

blitzen123 | 0

#908101 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 19:28

What a creeper.

mn_mpls | 0

#908261 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 20:29

ydi for going to a concert that an old guy would go to. unless he went just so he could creep on girls. then fyl

WordsOfHope | 0

#908444 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 21:36

once again reptarr wins

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#908671 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 23:01

iiiii think if he was hott you should have offered to go fuck in the bathroom!

peace7love2FML | 0

#909400 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 2:30

then move?

Becca_Blaise | 0

#909676 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 3:51

ewwww that soo creepy

michael32123 | 0

#909993 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 5:31

@51 you me = good buttsecks?

michael32123 | 0

#909997 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 5:33

@51 you me = good buttsecks??

WhatANoob | 0

#910061 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 5:53

I call fake. I've read the same FML but it was on a train

cantdeleteaccount | 2

#910212 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 6:50

#83 whats wrong with you thats like the third time you posted that to some random girl you pedifile

kjhowse | 0

#910342 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 7:58

yu deserve it for making him get one

Danielt104 | 6

#922477 - Sunday 7 March 2010 20:42

@ 12 fuck you you prick. OP can't help that they are short!

anlhawks | 5

#977677 - Sunday 11 April 2010 7:59

ha thank you really i'm short it's not under my control!!

By vaebouria | 0

#907293 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:23

dude that's fucking creepy! call the panda

glen12 | 0

#907377 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:48

sexual harrassment panda?

summerloolooloo | 0

#907460 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 13:39

They should make it possible to "like" comments.

BlueBomber | 0

#907529 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 14:24

Note the thumbs-up icon to your right, if you're in a browser. If not, disregard this comment. It'll self-destruct shortly anyway.

fisheatsbear | 6

#907628 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 15:32

they don't have the thumbs on an iPod

Wooddaver | 0

#908299 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 20:37

@43 which is kinda ironic when you think about it...

adriiana1019 | 0

#908364 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 21:05

haha!! it totally is ironic!

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#908676 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 23:03

I dont get it 55.......

crazycornn | 0

#909876 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 5:01

neither do I...

Fiskerz | 0

#910737 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 12:14

you use your thumbs to type on a iPod/iPhone

papichulo1411 | 0

#913150 - Thursday 4 March 2010 5:32

hey #66 let's hook up

nerdytacos | 3

#2447587 - Monday 2 May 2011 23:51

am I the only one who got the South Park reference?

Miguel11167 | 4

#2889587 - Thursday 14 July 2011 10:42

Yes They Do.

By SliceNthrice | 0

#907299 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:24

haha dang that suckss you got set up. He must have had a blast.

spongebob95 | 0

#908640 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 22:44

lmao I know

By imNotWavy | 0

#907301 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:24

3rd! y'all should really try to KETCH-UP!

junolee | 0

#907309 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:26

2nd fail man...your fkn 4th u retard
even in another post u failed to count right

scorpio95 | 0

#907313 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:27

Yeah, what ^^^ said

xKazama_Blood | 0

#907317 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:28

what a retard. fail again #3

SBone_fml | 0

#907322 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:29

Hear hear. What a douche.

tokintot07 | 0

#908313 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 20:44

argeed--with junolee.

and has anyone realized this same story has been posted. first it was an old guy on the subway bumping, then the homeless guys on the subway, now it's an older man at a concert. jeez

By Eddie_Paints | 0

#907321 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:28

Did you enjoy Hannah Montana anyway??

gohabs21 | 0

#907391 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:53

lul

paperisuseful | 0

#907396 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:54

lmao

mymuse | 0

#910305 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 7:39

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! best comment ever

By Eggvader | 0

#907330 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:31

a concert free humping. you know some people have to pay to get hump. unless the concert was sucky I don't see an FML here.

gotpromise | 0

#907405 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:59

If she had to pay to be humped by an old man, a refund is necessary.

tristan1001 | 0

#907412 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 13:02

agreed

perdix | 29

#907543 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 14:33

1. Wink at older man.
2. Complain that you are short on cash.
3. "Accidentally" bump the boner a few times.
4. Wink again.
5. Hike skirt
6. ?????
7. Profit!

gtridr | 1

#907853 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 17:05

omg perdix yet again ... epic fuckin win

Wooddaver | 0

#908353 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 21:01

SUPRISE BUTTSECKS for profit???

Wolfwood187 | 0

#920810 - Sunday 7 March 2010 7:08

lol

By sleekRelease | 0

#907360 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:42

I've seen something very similar before here.

By werewolflover4ev | 0

#907383 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:51

#15 hell yea!!! ;D that is sooooooo messed up! ewwwww. like, eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww.

By gecko13 | 0

#907404 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:58

if you didn't move or hit him in the nutts, ydi!

ktbird | 0

#907514 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 14:11

Agreed just because you're short doesn't mean you can't stand up for yourself.

adrianna4ever | 0

#909447 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 2:41

why do people keep sayin that no one deserves to be sexually harrassed and she probably did dobsomething to him. duuhh

By KyleSays1 | 0

#907411 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 13:01

eww what a creep