Intimacy: Today, I was at a concert and an older man offered to let me...

By Lin - 02/03/2010 05:57 - United States

Today, I was at a concert and an older man offered to let me stand in front of him because I'm short. It wasn't until the show started and people were jumping around did I realize he had a boner and was repeatedly bumping into me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 034

You deserved it 2 996

Intimacy

Own it

Best teeth in the game

Good kid

By DeathPopStar666 - 19/08/2019 14:00

Today, my grandma calls me, accusing me of theft. I was home all day and watching Orange Is The New Black. When I asked what I stole, she said her car keys. I don’t even have my license. I told her to look in her purse. She found them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 669

You deserved it 110

By Anonymous - 12/03/2010 21:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent all day and last night in the bathroom. The seafood I'd been keeping in the refrigerator apparently had gone bad, and is now intent on finding its every possible route to the Great Porcelain Whirlpool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 891

You deserved it 8 176

By whyeventry? - 02/08/2013 04:39 - United States - Neenah

Today, I finally talked my boyfriend into going down on me. Everything went well until I came and instinctively gripped his head with my thighs. He panicked and we both rolled off of the bed crocodile-style. Now he's too scared to even have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 015

You deserved it 12 679

By Anonymous - 02/03/2014 05:03 - United States

Today, I set up a small social gathering for a few friends. One of them didn't have a ride, so the others, who'd already shown up, went to go give him a ride. After no sign of them for a whole hour, I called to see what was wrong. They went out to eat and completely forgot about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 116

You deserved it 4 347

Vicious circle

By Anonymous - 15/08/2021 10:01

Today, I have a permanent illness. Whenever I'm too unwell to manage the housework or children, my hubby does even less than usual. As soon as I'm well enough, I have a mountain of work to do, which makes me sick again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 942

You deserved it 95

By Daddy. - 17/02/2010 08:15 - Australia

Today, I found out the hard way that my girlfriend lied about being on the pill four months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 926

You deserved it 8 314

The arrogance of youth

By reese - 11/06/2020 05:03

Today, as always, I had to have my dad help me with my computer issues. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 514

By Zanquis - 30/12/2016 19:04

Today, I got stuck with a water damaged kitchen. The manufactor says their warranty doesn't cover it as it's user error, my insurance says they don't cover it as it's a manufacturer error. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 096

You deserved it 198

Mixed signals

By Brianna Michelle Ferrell - 21/09/2019 20:00

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a fancy dinner. Halfway through, he said he wanted to break up. I started crying, but the whole restaurant thought he'd proposed, and started clapping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 095

You deserved it 141

By Nathanael Johnson - 30/07/2019 16:00

Today, my roommate came home from work and yelled at me for my dinner being too spicy. The same dinner he denied stealing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 896

You deserved it 121

By frustrated - 13/01/2013 06:39 - United States - Miami

Today, while reading an erotic story I was more excited that the author used a conjunctive adverb than the sexual content in the story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 570

You deserved it 12 431

By Anonymous - 02/04/2009 13:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me in the middle of the night and told me he got mugged and was on his way to the hospital. I told him to fuck off because that was a horrible April Fool's joke. He asked if I wanted to talk to the paramedic. I told him to stop bothering me. Turns out it was true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 946

You deserved it 140 104

By yeah hun i think insects arent animals too - 09/10/2013 07:51 - Germany - Leipzig

Today, I yet again had to pretend to be a dumb bimbo so that my boyfriend wouldn't get upset over the fact that, in some cases, I might be smarter than him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 547

You deserved it 23 797

Timing

By king of 8 - 09/05/2021 11:00

Today, on the way to an exam, I got hit by a car. I got back up and limped to class. The teacher wouldn’t let me in because I was 10 seconds late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 052

You deserved it 57

By Anonymous - 04/12/2009 23:43 - United States

Today, I dropped my camera down 4 flights of circular stairs from the top of a lighthouse. Everything worked, it just had a few dents. Then, as I went to put it in my pocket, I missed. It fell 3 feet and hit the floor. Now it won't turn on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 872

You deserved it 17 259

By Turdfoot - 12/02/2013 20:15 - United States - Prosper

Today, I discovered that my cat recently had explosive diarrhea, and couldn't make it to the litterbox in time. I discovered this when I stepped in the very, very fresh poop with my bare feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 330

You deserved it 4 385

By Hum - 02/07/2011 21:50 - Switzerland

Today, while on student exchange in Germany, I was making myself a cup of coffee. When I rummaged around in the fridge, my room-mates asked me what I was looking for. I said I wanted to put "samen" in my coffee. They laughed. Ah yes, "sahne" means "cream". "Samen" means "sperm". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 683

You deserved it 12 019

By DepressedCellist - 27/09/2018 12:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had band practice for our duo. I've been playing cello for almost a year and wanted to incorporate it. He picked it up for pretty much the first time and sounded surprisingly good. I was excited until I realized he sounded better than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 468

You deserved it 492

Blasphemy

By IAMALITAHA - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I had a job interview where I was interrupted for using the word creative because there is "only one creator". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 184

You deserved it 4 584

By vistingherfamily - 25/11/2011 02:09 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's family. Her mother wants us to stay in separate bedrooms, and I was happy to oblige since I'm staying at their house. But because there isn't an extra room, we have to stay together. Upon entering the house, her mom searched our bags for condoms and birth-control pills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 677

You deserved it 3 344

Daddy's girl

By Anonymous - 07/11/2021 14:00 - Guam

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me, a month after I'd proposed and she'd said yes. When asked why all of the sudden, she said her family disapproved of me, and I wasn't worth fighting for and potentially losing her father's love. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 364

You deserved it 111

By Fillifilo - 18/04/2012 04:38 - France

Today, I was having a hard time waking up. When I sat down for breakfast, my chair rocked backwards. I reflexively grabbed out at something to hold on to. Unfortunately, I grabbed the cereal box that was on the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 720

You deserved it 3 780

Festival spirit

By Festivalgal - 01/08/2021 20:01

Today, I went to a music festival with my boyfriend and ran into his female bestie. She refused to say “Hello”, looked at me up and down, and made passive-aggressive remarks under her breath. After a while of us three hanging out, she stormed off and told him, "We’ll talk about this later, call me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 305

You deserved it 90

By shortarse - 13/06/2017 02:00 - Australia - Saint Lucia

Today, I finally moved into my own flat - no family, nor messy flatmates. Should be great, except for the fact that I'm so short, I have to climb onto the counter in the kitchen any time I want to reach my shelves. Like a child. I'm going to break my fucking neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 118

You deserved it 712

Surprise !

By snottyface - 26/09/2009 03:47 - United States

Today, I was trying to sneak up my husband while he was playing a computer game. As I was getting behind the chair, he paused the game and sat up straight. I stopped. He turned around and sneezed violently and blew a bunch of snot into my face and eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 719

You deserved it 19 418

By With_Love929 - 29/10/2012 21:45 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my family and I are sitting in our house while Hurricane Sandy is going on. My grandma is freaking out because she believes it's our recently deceased dog Sandy getting revenge for putting her to sleep and getting a new dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 453

You deserved it 2 768

Gone but not forgotten

By Anonymous - 05/08/2021 18:01 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I received an email saying, "Thinking of you and hoping you are taking care." It was from the love of my life. We broke up 20 years ago. Previously, we had contact every 5+ years. It's just too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 610

You deserved it 115

By Anonymous - 19/05/2011 03:48 - United States

Today, for the first time all month I felt truly proud and accomplished. I finally figured out how to change the toilet seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 855

You deserved it 24 058

By love you too mommy - 27/01/2014 19:26 - United States - Brentwood

Today, my mom walked into my room to talk to me. I was surprised because we don't talk much. I was left with a smile on my face after she left, until I realized she'd stolen all the candy on my desk while I wasn't looking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 413

You deserved it 5 269

This is my life

By Broke - 07/02/2020 05:00 - United States

Today, I need money to fix my car, I need my car to get to work, and I need work to get money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 908

You deserved it 187

By Anonymous - 13/04/2018 15:00

Today, I tried to get the day off because of snow and ice on the roads, which had already caused 2 accidents close to my house. My boss just called me a useless millennial, fired me, and hung up the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 268

You deserved it 1 262

Hey y'all!

By Anonymous - 01/05/2021 00:56 - United States - Schertz

Today, a friend was over at my house. My dad walks over and talks to me; I respond. He then goes back in his room. My friend then says, "Don’t get self-conscious, but when you talk to your dad, your southern accent gets REALLY strong." Guess who's now self-conscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 682

You deserved it 116

By benji - 01/11/2011 19:02 - United States

Today, I was hurriedly doing laundry. I threw a second load in the dryer and slammed the door shut. All of a sudden, I heard scratching and whining coming from the dryer. My cat probably hates me now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 367

You deserved it 38 485

By Anonymous - 28/11/2013 16:53 - United States - Livingston

Today, my family and I finished moving to Texas. As if that isn't bad enough, I'll have to introduce myself all over again to everyone I meet and explain that yes, my parents really did name me Lilypad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 485

You deserved it 4 326

By unicorn - 13/09/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, while taking a stroll in the park, a kid walked up to me and asked, "Do you believe in unicorns?" I answered, "No." He dunked his ice cream cone on my head, laughed hysterically, and ran off screaming, "BELIEVE!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 630

You deserved it 12 879

Medicare for all, y'all

By Anonymous - 25/10/2021 17:02

Today, our daughter was diagnosed with hypodontia, which means half her adult teeth never formed, so when she loses baby teeth, no adult teeth exist to replace them. This is going to cost a fortune since she’s either gonna need dentures or multiple surgeries to insert artificial teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 091

You deserved it 70

By BAMashleyx3 - 06/06/2019 06:07

Today, my dad texted me while I was in the dentist's chair getting my teeth cleaned. The dental hygienist jumped at the notification sound my phone made and split my gum open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 842

You deserved it 636

By Ltl_Dust_Bunny - 23/03/2009 07:36 - United States

Today, I met a cute guy for coffee. Everything was going fine, right up until he started telling me about his alien encounters and super psychic powers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 790

You deserved it 9 472

By mainche - 20/01/2009 07:13 - France

Today, in the forest, I hit my foot against a half-buried metal thing. I dug into the ground, and found a beautiful box, heavy enough to not be empty. I imagined myself with gold coins. Inside was the corpse of a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 109

You deserved it 6 782

By Anonymous - 12/07/2013 20:27 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to the pool with my son. One moment I'm sitting down, applying sunscreen to my legs, and the next I look up to see him squatting on the diving board, seconds before dropping a deuce into the pool. As we got kicked out, he screamed that it was my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 544

You deserved it 6 609

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Top comments

vaebouria 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:23

dude that's fucking creepy! call the panda

Eddie_Paints 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:28

Did you enjoy Hannah Montana anyway??

luisavs 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:17

0h yuck that sucks. I hope he wasn't purposely bumping into you...

whatchutalkinbou 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:28

I think it's pretty obvious he was 0_0

sublimaze 6

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:42

YDI for being short

DeeBizz 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:45

boner soup .

Repttar 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 13:00

good, did u flash ur mameries, suck him and make him a sandwhich? if u didn't, quit ur bitching and get in the kitchen

theian01 3

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 13:08

I died reading #14's post. That was one of the best jokes he's had.

punkin76 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 14:19

I've had that happen myself. Luckily it was a hot young guy though.

JohnyF 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 15:15

12 hahahaha lol haha XD lol seriously it's not his fault

BadPinkKitty07 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 17:13

ok what I really want to know is, did you then move after bumping into the frozen hotdog, or were you feelin frisky and freaky and decided to stay there? this question will be haunting me all day...

blitzen123 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 19:28

What a creeper.

mn_mpls 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 20:29

ydi for going to a concert that an old guy would go to. unless he went just so he could creep on girls. then fyl

WordsOfHope 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 21:36

once again reptarr wins

mfmylifesrsly 29

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 23:01

iiiii think if he was hott you should have offered to go fuck in the bathroom!

peace7love2FML 0

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Wednesday 3 March 2010 2:30

then move?

Becca_Blaise 0

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Wednesday 3 March 2010 3:51

ewwww that soo creepy

michael32123 0

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Wednesday 3 March 2010 5:31

@51 you me = good buttsecks?

michael32123 0

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Wednesday 3 March 2010 5:33

@51 you me = good buttsecks??

WhatANoob 0

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Wednesday 3 March 2010 5:53

I call fake. I've read the same FML but it was on a train

cantdeleteaccount 2

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Wednesday 3 March 2010 6:50

#83 whats wrong with you thats like the third time you posted that to some random girl you pedifile

kjhowse 0

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Wednesday 3 March 2010 7:58

yu deserve it for making him get one

Danielt104 6

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Sunday 7 March 2010 20:42

@ 12 fuck you you prick. OP can't help that they are short!

anlhawks 5

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Sunday 11 April 2010 7:59

ha thank you really i'm short it's not under my control!!

vaebouria 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:23

dude that's fucking creepy! call the panda

glen12 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:48

sexual harrassment panda?

summerloolooloo 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 13:39

They should make it possible to "like" comments.

BlueBomber 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 14:24

Note the thumbs-up icon to your right, if you're in a browser. If not, disregard this comment. It'll self-destruct shortly anyway.

fisheatsbear 6

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 15:32

they don't have the thumbs on an iPod

Wooddaver 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 20:37

@43 which is kinda ironic when you think about it...

adriiana1019 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 21:05

haha!! it totally is ironic!

mfmylifesrsly 29

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 23:03

I dont get it 55.......

crazycornn 0

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Wednesday 3 March 2010 5:01

neither do I...

Fiskerz 0

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Wednesday 3 March 2010 12:14

you use your thumbs to type on a iPod/iPhone

papichulo1411 0

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Thursday 4 March 2010 5:32

hey #66 let's hook up

nerdytacos 3

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Monday 2 May 2011 23:51

am I the only one who got the South Park reference?

Miguel11167 4

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Thursday 14 July 2011 10:42

Yes They Do.

SliceNthrice 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:24

haha dang that suckss you got set up. He must have had a blast.

spongebob95 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 22:44

lmao I know

imNotWavy 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:24

3rd! y'all should really try to KETCH-UP!

junolee 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:26

2nd fail man...your fkn 4th u retard even in another post u failed to count right

scorpio95 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:27

Yeah, what ^^^ said

xKazama_Blood 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:28

what a retard. fail again #3

SBone_fml 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:29

Hear hear. What a douche.

tokintot07 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 20:44

argeed--with junolee. and has anyone realized this same story has been posted. first it was an old guy on the subway bumping, then the homeless guys on the subway, now it's an older man at a concert. jeez

Eddie_Paints 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:28

Did you enjoy Hannah Montana anyway??

gohabs21 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:53

lul

paperisuseful 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:54

lmao

mymuse 0

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Wednesday 3 March 2010 7:39

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! best comment ever

Eggvader 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:31

a concert free humping. you know some people have to pay to get hump. unless the concert was sucky I don't see an FML here.

gotpromise 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 12:59

If she had to pay to be humped by an old man, a refund is necessary.

tristan1001 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 13:02

agreed

perdix 29

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 14:33

1. Wink at older man. 2. Complain that you are short on cash. 3. "Accidentally" bump the boner a few times. 4. Wink again. 5. Hike skirt 6. ????? 7. Profit!