By Just Set Me On Fire

Nope.

Today, while at work, I felt what I thought was a ball of lint on the back of my neck. I reached back and grabbed it only to end up holding the biggest wolf spider I've ever seen. FML

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Work

Animals

The View

It's the thought that counts

Craft beer bores

By PPP - United States

Today, I overheard my mom giving my 6-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML

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32547

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By anon - United States

Today, I removed all my online dating profiles. Apparently my ex-husband finds stalking me online preferable to spending time with his new girlfriend. FML

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26917

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2988

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By Anonymous - United States - Cleveland

Today, I went to a wake. When my dad picked me up, I was still pretty upset. Just when I'd had enough of death, the car hits a raccoon on the way home. FML

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39271

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By Anonymous - Canada

Smooth talkin' dude

Today, I realized the nicest thing my fiancé has said to me all month was that I have "very suckable titties." FML

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30762

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Today, as any other work day, I sat down for lunch. Unfortunately, the door to the toilet is right next to where I sit. Every time a colleague uses the toilet, I hear everything, which puts me off my lunch. FML

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6002

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By ahhhhhhh

Today, my daughter was acting strange. When she wasn’t muttering in some strange language, she was talking about invisible people coming to get me. Terrified, I called my boyfriend. Turns out he taught her that as a prank. He knows I’m afraid of anything supernatural. FML

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1547

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By NotInMiddleSchool - United States

Today, as I was yelled at by a middle school teacher in front of 30 6th graders for breaking the rule of "no cell phones in school." Luckily, I escaped being sent to the office after explaining I'm a 21 year old college student doing student teaching observations, not a middle schooler. FML

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35355

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bargoed

Today, my ex came out as transgender. I had absolutely no problem with this, in fact I celebrated her bravery. What I did have a problem with was all my friends immediately assuming that this was the reason I broke up with her, and not that she'd cheated on me for 6 months. FML

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27037

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1874

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By Anonymous - Bahrain - Manama

Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML

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47602

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5737

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By nomwar - United States

Today, I went to a new bar with friends. After arriving I became extremely gassy; I planned a smooth release during the loud music. Little did I know the bar occasionally dips its music to hear the guests singing. When the music turned off all eyes turned to me. FML

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46034

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2020 17:00

It's called fashion Dave, look it up!

Today, my beautiful bride walked towards me in a dress that looked just like a ribbed condom. FML

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1426

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By Shannon - United States - Dearborn

Today, a customer called the restaurant I work at to ask if our coupons were always valid, or if they expired on the expiration date printed on them. FML

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44923

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By Robert Herrin

Kinky Crab

Today, I fell asleep with my hermit crab on my bed and woke up to him pinching my nipple. FML

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971

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1977

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I stepped away from my desk for a few minutes only to return to find the general manager installing updates on my computer. This wouldn't have been an issue had I not pulled up a website explaining in great detail the effects and causes of vaginal yeast infections. FML

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11913

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By LeftOut - United States

Today, I saw my friends talking about plans for later during lunch. I walked over and asked for the plan. My best friend of 12 years gently took me aside, and said "You know that person in each group of friends that is only around to be made fun of? That's you." I just got dumped by my friends. FML

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79443

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By Jules7594 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, an ultrasound tech complimented me on my "exceptionally full bladder". That's probably the best compliment I've received this week. FML

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26011

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By trappedinmyownhome

Today, I was having a dinner party. My guests were getting along really well. I mean, really well; it turns out they all went to the same high school. For the next five hours, I hosted a high school reunion for a school I didn't even go to, in my own home. FML

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28401

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2810

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By broomrape - United States

Today, I found out that the horrible stench haunting my apartment for the past week was the decomposing corpse of my freedom loving gerbil underneath the bed that I've been sleeping on. FML

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48080

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By fml - United States - Perry

Today, my new husband and I were called up to have our first dance at our wedding. While I rested my head on his shoulder, he whispered the most romantic thing to me: "Your breath stinks." FML

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51521

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By Pierce - United States

Today, I was with my 14 year old son when we saw a baby sparrow being attacked by four or five blackbirds. We rushed up, waving our arms and scared away the much bigger attackers. The baby sparrow ran toward us for protection, then went past both of us and ran straight down a storm sewer. FML

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54747

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By Leslie - United States

Today, my husband left me for one of the college students I was tutoring in Spanish. We have two kids and are expecting a third. He left a note that said he would "stay in touch." FML

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47025

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By Kellie - United States

Today, I found a hidden camera in my room equipped with night vision and a microphone. My parents have been spying on me for at least the past year. FML

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41297

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By thefatnurse - United States - Roswell

Today, one of the patients on the mental health unit where I work looked me up and down and said; "Well, I guess it's a popular misconception that all fat people are jolly." FML

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33112

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By Nile - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She said no because she doesn't want to be tied down for the rest of her life. We already have 3 children, a mortgage, and joint bank accounts. How much more tied down could we possibly get? FML

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30750

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2814

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By Unlucky gal

Today, I broke my mug, windshield wiper, shower curtain, and foot, all in six hours. FML

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2754

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my one-year-old son threw up on the man sitting next to us on a plane. I felt bad and apologized profusely. When I tried to give him money for dry cleaning, he slapped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26766

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By NoBasement4U - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, my dad went to a hardware store to replace the broken shower head in my bathroom. He got the cheapest shower head he could find, and so when I took a shower, the shower head burst out and hit me square in the face. FML

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26320

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By the_dog_sitter - United States

Today, I was walking my friend's dog around the neighborhood, as I was walking I noticed a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was ok but the dog ran into the street and got hit by a truck. FML

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71496

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By - 19/1/2020 18:00

Romantic gesture

Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML

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6041

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247

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By Anonymous

Today, I fell asleep with my luggage at a bus terminal. Upon waking up, I found that someone had opened my bags and stolen all my socks. FML

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40284

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By mariology - United States - Newark

Today, I found a credit card at my job. As store policy goes, we have to cut up lost cards immediately after finding them to protect the cardholders. As I grab the scissors and cut, my manager calls out, "Has anyone seen my credit card?" FML

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48703

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By Anonymous - United States - Worcester

Today, we had a safety meeting at my warehouse job. They had an entire power point based around their message, "Stop getting hurt; it costs the company too much money." FML

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42348

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By ItWasHotAsBalls

Today, my mom was out of the house, so I decided to make her a gift. I went into the garage for supplies and somehow ended up locking myself in for the next 2 hours. Not only that, but I cut my hand with the rusty paperclip I used to try to pick the lock. FML

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7461

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that I've lost thirty pounds since having my second child. However, I still weigh just as much as I did when I was full-term with my first child. FML

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26948

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By moosemay - Germany - W?rzburg

Today, I heard a noise in my garage so I grabbed a baseball bat and went to look. The skunk I stirred was actually better armed than me. FML

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20129

You deserved it

2046

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By Screamslikeagirl - United States - Union City

Today, there must have been a wasp clinging to my front door because when I walked outside, it dropped between my glasses and my face and began stinging me all around my eye. I don't know if my eye is more swollen from the stings or from me repeatedly punching myself in the face. FML

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13043

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I caught my mother-in-law trying to plant a GPS tracker on my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29589

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2085

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By DBZ - United States

Today, I couldn’t have a conversation with my fiancé unless it was about Dragon Ball Z. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25597

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7504

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By Anonymous - Cyprus - Paphos

Today, a new employee started at our office. She's about 18, barely does any work, chews gum loudly, has no manners, and happens to sit right next to me. She also threatens to report me for harassment whenever I politely ask her to not bash my chair with the back of her chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31731

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By lala - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were flipping through magazines and got on the topic of how airbrushed the girls were. My boyfriend then pointed out all of the flaws on my body that would need to be airbrushed away if I was in a magazine. FML

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Top comments

By Allie614032 | 34

#7540845 - Wednesday 13 September 2017 23:22

As an arachnophobe, I appreciate the username you chose.

By jediloader | 12

#7540859 - Thursday 14 September 2017 0:34

Surprise, Motherfucka!!

COMMENTS

By Hippo_Holiday | 19

#7538531 - Thursday 7 September 2017 16:46

I can taste the fear already. Hope you're alright.

By Allie614032 | 34

#7540845 - Wednesday 13 September 2017 23:22

As an arachnophobe, I appreciate the username you chose.

mattiscg2 | 8

#7540846 - Wednesday 13 September 2017 23:23

couldn't have said it any better

By jediloader | 12

#7540859 - Thursday 14 September 2017 0:34

Surprise, Motherfucka!!

By RockPrincess26 | 16

#7540873 - Thursday 14 September 2017 1:23

How did you assume it was "a big ball of lint?"

By corky1992 | 33

#7540900 - Thursday 14 September 2017 3:26

That is what nightmares are made of.

By davecross | 11

#7540902 - Thursday 14 September 2017 3:54

Come on man we both know you wanted to get bit so you possibly turn into Spider-Man

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7540930 - Thursday 14 September 2017 6:48

I'm gonna hazard a guess you also had to change your pants after you killed it...

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7540956 - Thursday 14 September 2017 8:23

Spiders can sense fear, don't be afraid of them!

By cdaspirit | 15

#7540963 - Thursday 14 September 2017 8:43

Do you just casually get a ball of lint on the back of your neck every once in a while...?

RockPrincess26 | 16

#7541643 - Saturday 16 September 2017 3:09

That's what I'm wondering.

By bartsj1988 | 7

#7540992 - Thursday 14 September 2017 10:45

Work do you work at where you would find balls or lint or giant spiders? Eck. FYL!