By Just Set Me On Fire - 13/9/2017 23:15

Nope.

Today, while at work, I felt what I thought was a ball of lint on the back of my neck. I reached back and grabbed it only to end up holding the biggest wolf spider I've ever seen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3952

You deserved it

201

Favorite

Work

Animals

Goodbye Bill

Banished

Yappy neighborhood

By amber - 13/3/2010 09:03 - United States

Today, I bitched out my boyfriend for logging into my facebook account and deleting EVERY male (even family) off my friends list. He accused me of wanting to cheat on him and has forced me to say "sorry." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39693

You deserved it

17656

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/5/2013 16:37 - Australia - Lane Cove

Today, I was walking down the stairs with my guitar in hand, singing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to my wife. I sang, "I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall". Before I could say "asleep", I fell down the stairs. My wife almost pissed her pants laughing. My bum hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69460

You deserved it

15936

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/9/2019 08:02 - United States - Staten Island

Date grape

Today, my boyfriend and I were drinking wine naked after sex. He went to get another glass, but on the way back tripped and fell flat on his face. His roommate unexpectedly came home, saw him face-down on the floor, thought I'd drugged him and tackled me before I could explain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1812

You deserved it

159

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/1/2011 17:02 - United States

Today, my mother dragged me into Victoria's Secret to get my opinion on some lingerie. Lingerie she'll be using to get into my dad's pants this evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36641

You deserved it

3699

Favorite

By Pierced - 30/5/2017 18:00

Today, my mother accused me of getting another lip piercing done on the sly to spite her. She finally realised I have more than one and won't believe I've always had two. Thanks for noticing, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2988

You deserved it

384

Favorite

By KereKris - 17/6/2020 14:05

Hi how are you?

Today, I texted my boss, "I'm looking forward to doing you" instead of, "I'm looking forward to seeing you" thanks to a very unfortunate combination of my atrocious typing skills on a smartphone and an overzealous autocorrect function. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1167

You deserved it

377

Favorite

By LifeFucksUsAll - 19/8/2009 19:44 - Canada

Today, I was on a date with a guy, we were sitting in a restaurant having a fairly good conversation, when I had to go to the washroom. I left the table and when I came back, he was gone. Along with my wallet and car keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49638

You deserved it

13039

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/12/2010 06:38 - Iraq

Today, I had to pull guard duty. I had to guard the latrine because somebody likes to stuff whole toilet paper rolls in the toilet to clog it. Only six more months in Iraq. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37154

You deserved it

3667

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/9/2015 17:16 - Japan

Today, I'm on vacation in Japan with my brother. When he said he could speak Japanese, I guess what he really meant that he's a dumbass weeaboo who only knows the words "kawaii", "baka", "sugoi" and a few others. He ended up offending two locals so much that they beat the shit out of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27836

You deserved it

3294

Favorite

By DexiCola - 11/8/2016 17:02 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, I asked my manager where the clearly-foreign customers were from. She said she didn't know, but she thought they were from ISIS. She wasn't trying to be funny, she thought ISIS was a country. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13746

You deserved it

960

Favorite

By aaaaahhhh - 6/4/2013 08:51 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, as a learner driver, I embarked on my longest drive ever: back home, from Sydney to Melbourne, which is around a 700km drive. I managed to get the whole way without any problems. I crashed into my driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42724

You deserved it

7498

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/7/2015 17:59 - Northern Mariana Islands - Saipan

Today, I was telling 3 classmates on Whatsapp about my depression. One of them told me to "nut up n grow a pear." Two hours after we mocked him for being an illiterate jackass, one of us has had our car tires knifed and another's house has been egged. I'm terrified of what will happen to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24675

You deserved it

5293

Favorite

By Baconcook3000 - 23/7/2011 11:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I put 7 kisses at the end of a text instead of 10. She said that our relationship was bound to fail if "I can't remember important things like that". FML

I agree, your life sucks

50694

You deserved it

6129

Favorite

By thanksbaby - 1/6/2009 05:55 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling in bed talking about our future wedding coming up. He leaned over seductively to tell me he got a present for me to ‘use’ on our wedding day. It was a pack of breath mints. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45875

You deserved it

11524

Favorite

By Haitwun - 8/12/2014 02:18 - United States - El Monte

Today, my girlfriend decided to treat me out to dinner and cake for my birthday. My mom felt left out and yelled at my girlfriend in an angry tirade. My girlfriend went home. I'm spending my birthday, alone in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36133

You deserved it

2899

Favorite

By SonOfaSpy - 18/7/2011 01:51 - United States

Today, we found out why we were getting notes on our door telling us to "move out or else." As my mom works for the government and we have a direct-TV dish on our roof, our neighbor thinks we were sent to listen to his phone calls and read his mind. We were here before he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33937

You deserved it

2653

Favorite

By nobodywasthere - 29/11/2017 01:30

Today, I explained to my teacher that I wasn't at school yesterday due to three doctor appointments for my moderate epilepsy. Yesterday was senior skip day. She gave me detention for lying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4123

You deserved it

330

Favorite

By Roy Lawson - 26/6/2014 00:19 - United States - Brea

Today, I had to bite the bullet and finally buy maternity pants. Problem is, I'm not pregnant and I'm a 25-year-old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39664

You deserved it

25182

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/8/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, my family and I were coming back from a trip to the US. As we reached the border patrol we realized that we were one passport short. The border patrol lectured us for 30 minutes about how irresponsible we were for not realizing that they had forgotten to give us one of our passports back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42929

You deserved it

7984

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 23:54 - United States

Today, my 5 year old son and I went out. As I was looking in the window display of a shop, I turned around to witness my son pooping in an open manhole on the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33652

You deserved it

9520

Favorite

By HereToLaughAtU - 18/11/2014 04:16 - United States - Des Moines

Today, a customer said the pants she was buying rang up more than advertised. I quietly told her plus-sizes were not on sale. The customer yelled in front of a whole line of people, "So I'm fat and can't read! Any other insults you'd like to throw at me?" and stormed out of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36870

You deserved it

4682

Favorite

By Nearis - 16/2/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, I received a call from the police about a car accident that I was a witness to. As the only witness who stopped to help, I was remembered by the other cars involved. They're blaming me for the accident. The cops want to talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33768

You deserved it

2754

Favorite

By Bliss - 9/2/2009 18:24 - United States

Today, I gave my drink to a girl who I got with previously and started to dance with her. She backed off after a few seconds, took my drink and danced with my friend who was standing right next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26898

You deserved it

5872

Favorite

By W T F - 3/6/2015 07:22 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I gave my girlfriend a hickey barely an inch from her vagina. She texted me later, saying her dad saw it and had grounded her. So yeah, I'm not sure I even want to know what the hell goes on in their house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43636

You deserved it

3575

Favorite

By inhaler -.- - 6/10/2013 05:20 - United States - Huntsville

Today, it was my first time having a make out session with my boyfriend. I got so nervous that a few minutes into it, I had to stop to take my inhaler. This happened twice more afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52370

You deserved it

5699

Favorite

By peele - 25/3/2015 13:10 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, a coworker jokingly noted that my signature looks like "Pedo". I couldn't see it that way, so I asked some other people for their opinion. They confessed they'd always thought it looked like "Pedo", but never said anything. My name is Peele. I've been signing it off as Pedo for 10 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29874

You deserved it

3690

Favorite

By Travolta - 20/5/2019 02:13

Dancing With The Stares

Today, I was at a party and I danced. Judging by people's stares, I should never ever attempt it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1521

You deserved it

238

Favorite

By merrr - 20/1/2014 20:34 - Canada

Today, I dropped my phone in the wet snow. I read that putting it in rice helps to get the water out. Three pieces of rice are now frozen into the power port, and I can't get the charger in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43005

You deserved it

13758

Favorite

By Melting in Texas - 9/8/2016 18:56

Today, I discovered that my freezer had died when I saw the contents oozing out the bottom. The now-full trash can won't be picked up for another 6 days, and the high temperatures are supposed to be in the 100s all week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13705

You deserved it

928

Favorite

By Dave - 7/4/2011 19:55 - United States

Today, the company I work for decided to "go green" and stopped using the air conditioner to cool down the office. It is currently 81 degrees at my desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34872

You deserved it

4862

Favorite

By John - 21/10/2014 00:29 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to hide in the washroom closet while I was taking a piss. I wasn't pissing, I was wanking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44232

You deserved it

14373

Favorite

By peepants - 4/6/2019 14:00

Today, I was in a public restroom with my one-year old. I had no idea he could reach the lock until he opened the door and ran out. In my haste to catch him, I not only peed all over my pants that were still around my ankles, I faceplanted on the nasty, moist bathroom floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2085

You deserved it

280

Favorite

By mog - 7/11/2019 08:00 - United States

Office embarrassment

Today, the girl who works at the liquor store came to where I work. She recognized me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1317

You deserved it

806

Favorite

By Ashley - 3/5/2016 04:25 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out why my boyfriend of 5 years won't propose/marry me. He would rather wait for his estranged wife to meet someone, fall in love, decide to get married, and do the filing herself. He doesn't want to pay the couple of hundred dollars for the uncontested divorce filing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13673

Phew, glad it wasn't me

2237

Favorite

By CollegeBoy - 13/4/2011 13:07 - Canada

Today, my high school guidance counselor tried to convince me NOT to go to college, mainly because it's been so long since someone from my high school went to college, that she got rid of all the college information she used to have. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46454

You deserved it

3643

Favorite

By Flopera - 12/5/2018 05:00

Today, I treated my out of town family to a surprise opera experience as a belated Christmas present. When we arrived, there were people already in our seats. Upon checking the tickets, I realized that I had purchased them for the following Friday instead of today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3022

You deserved it

1985

Favorite

By Equi - 12/12/2018 16:00 - United States

Today, I went to the company's health clinic to treat muscle spasms and a possible cracked rib. In the process the old quack doc and overly eager nurses wound up giving me a storng laxative and 3 enemas, two of them quite large. Then I still had to return to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2400

You deserved it

265

Favorite

By LALALA3 - 16/2/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, I finally gave the guy I was with for over a year a blowjob. Right after he tells me "I don't want a girlfriend but I want you to be my best friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks

61713

You deserved it

9969

Favorite

By cat co-parent - 3/1/2015 00:11 - Australia

Today, my mum sat me down for a serious talk about not being home enough - not because she misses me, but because the family cat needs more stability in her life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31501

You deserved it

2728

Favorite

By LivingInSin - 27/1/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's ex-wife facebooked me to inform me that they were still married and he was still sleeping with her. I've been living with him for the past month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34481

You deserved it

4221

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Allie614032 | 34

#7540845 - Wednesday 13 September 2017 23:22

As an arachnophobe, I appreciate the username you chose.

By jediloader | 12

#7540859 - Thursday 14 September 2017 0:34

Surprise, Motherfucka!!

COMMENTS

By Hippo_Holiday | 19

#7538531 - Thursday 7 September 2017 16:46

I can taste the fear already. Hope you're alright.

By Allie614032 | 34

#7540845 - Wednesday 13 September 2017 23:22

As an arachnophobe, I appreciate the username you chose.

mattiscg2 | 8

#7540846 - Wednesday 13 September 2017 23:23

couldn't have said it any better

By jediloader | 12

#7540859 - Thursday 14 September 2017 0:34

Surprise, Motherfucka!!

By RockPrincess26 | 16

#7540873 - Thursday 14 September 2017 1:23

How did you assume it was "a big ball of lint?"

By corky1992 | 33

#7540900 - Thursday 14 September 2017 3:26

That is what nightmares are made of.

By davecross | 11

#7540902 - Thursday 14 September 2017 3:54

Come on man we both know you wanted to get bit so you possibly turn into Spider-Man

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7540930 - Thursday 14 September 2017 6:48

I'm gonna hazard a guess you also had to change your pants after you killed it...

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7540956 - Thursday 14 September 2017 8:23

Spiders can sense fear, don't be afraid of them!

By cdaspirit | 15

#7540963 - Thursday 14 September 2017 8:43

Do you just casually get a ball of lint on the back of your neck every once in a while...?

RockPrincess26 | 16

#7541643 - Saturday 16 September 2017 3:09

That's what I'm wondering.

By bartsj1988 | 7

#7540992 - Thursday 14 September 2017 10:45

Work do you work at where you would find balls or lint or giant spiders? Eck. FYL!