Today, while lifeguarding at my local beach, I noticed someone...

By thatkid00117 - 15/7/2013 17:15 - United States - Avalon

Today, while lifeguarding at my local beach, I noticed someone having difficulty swimming back to shore. I ran out and swam him back to shore. Once we were on dry land, he cussed me out for "emasculating" him in front of his girlfriend. FML

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thatkid00117 tells us more :

Hey guys, it was a pretty rough day so I wasn't surprised at least one person encountered trouble, and he didn't speak a word whilst he was gripped tightly to the flotation device. Once on shore I asked him if he was alright and instructed him how not to get caught in another rip current. He promptly to me to "f off" and that he didn't need help. At that point his girlfriend ran up to ask if he was hurt, and everything went downhill from there. I appreciate the sympathy, but it would be a little irresponsible of me to let the man die :)

Work

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Gas giant

Workaholic

By Anonymous - 14/4/2017 00:00

Today, working midnight at a coffee shop, I had a customer set down his phone on the counter to pay. Screen up. Still playing his, "Ebony Rimjob" porn. FML

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By sarah - 6/6/2020 20:00

Respect should be earned

Today, while out in public, my stepmom turned and screamed at me for a good while for “walking through a door before an elder.” People stared. FML

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By meggs2209 - 12/1/2012 20:06 - United States

Today, Dell's tech support called to tell me that the laptop I sent to them was going to cost an extra $300 to fix, because of the shattered screen. When I mailed my laptop to them, the touchpad wasn't working. The screen was fine. FML

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By ishweta56 - 17/1/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, me and my friend are sitting here on fmylife.com while our boyfriends are out clubbing. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 00:01 - United States

Criminal Minds

Today, I had to go to the ER because of a terrible allergic reaction I had to the cookies my "friend" made for me. She assured me several times that there were no nuts in them. Turns out, she put nuts in them on purpose, to see whether or not I was really allergic. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2013 01:47 - Australia

Today, I took my driver's test. I did everything flawlessly, but my examiner kept all but pissing his pants throughout. He yelled, "ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US KILLED?!" when I drove past a traffic light just as it was about to turn red. The road was almost empty. He failed me on the spot. FML

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By hermit's life - 25/12/2016 07:11 - United States - Sellersburg

Today, I learned that instead of spending Christmas alone with my cat, enjoying chicken quesadillas and a tin of tuna while watching only the best cartoons, my mother's coming over. FML

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By snarly1 - 3/1/2012 08:14 - United States

Today, it was our one year anniversary. After a surprise re-creation of our first date, we went home, in the mood for love. The food poisoning from the restaurant had a different idea. FML

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By GhillieSuitsnBiscuits - 10/4/2016 20:53 - United States - Portland

Today, I had a lady come up to me in a store just to tell me how bad my acne was and what remedies I should use. I got so embarrassed, all I could say was, "OK" and, "Thank you" until she left me alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2015 08:55 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, I overheard my dickhead dad telling my girlfriend she's too good for me, then asking if she wants to settle for someone like me. FML

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By MIB - 13/7/2011 16:26 - United States

Today, I awoke to banging at my door. It was my neighbor, accusing me of stealing her mail to spy on her, because apparently she thinks I must be some sort of secret agent. The cops don't believe me when I call, and she won't go away. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2012 20:41 - United States

Today, my 8-year-old niece corrected my spelling via text message. FML

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By shugberry - 1/9/2019 12:01 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my mum on the London Underground. We were standing on the platform, when she suddenly bought up a load of phlegm in her mouth. Instead of trying to find a bin, she just full on spat out the biggest green pile on the floor next to people. FML

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By suuuuuupucci - 25/12/2009 06:25 - United States

Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML

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By Noname - 10/2/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I was on the internet with my Dad looking up information about allergies. I began to type 'allergies' into the Google Search Box and as I typed 'a', the phrase 'amazing sex positions' popped up as a search I had already looked up. My Dad asked me if any of the positions worked out. FML

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By kubbyp - 3/4/2014 21:22 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while reading the paper I saw a picture of a guy I really like that I met online. The picture is in the obituaries. No wonder he hasn't called. FML

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By krystal - 27/10/2011 00:24 - United States

Today, it's the third day of my dad's revenge after he snapped over me supposedly using the word "duh" in every other sentence. He got his hands on my old recorder and has been playing it loudly and out of tune outside my room when I try to do my homework. My mom thinks this is hilarious. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I was about to kiss my girlfriend right as the clock struck midnight for New Year's. She put her hand in front of my mouth, and broke up with me. FML

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By mazzer - 4/1/2012 02:04 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad had a day off and was 'bored' so he decided to move our entire kitchen into our living room. We now have no running water, no oven that works and the entire house is a bombsite. He has an entire week off. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2010 07:27 - Canada

Today, I was having sex with a really hot guy, when suddenly he pulled out and told me that "he had another fat chick meeting him in twenty minutes." FML

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By Gus - 30/11/2012 19:30 - Canada - Richmond

Today, my girlfriend confronted me for forgetting to take the trash out. At some point during the argument, I tried to calm her down, and the words "I should of" escaped my lips. She spent the next ten minutes calling me stupid and laughing at how my grammar goes to hell when I'm distressed. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2014 08:19 - Australia - Ashburton

Today, trying to be a good role model for the kids behind me, I stopped and thoroughly checked both sides of the road before crossing. I still managed to get hit by a car. FML

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By whatthewhat - 18/11/2009 19:52 - United States

Today, a woman cursed me out, called me a perverted freak, and said I should be ashamed of myself because I had asked her "How much for one night?." She works in a toy shop, I was with my five year old daughter, and was pointing to the sign, "Rent A Helium Tank!" FML

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By ac19k - 22/3/2016 02:34 - United States - Franklin

Today, I kept having dreams that I had made drunken snapchats. Those weren't just dreams. FML

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By Anonameow - 2/1/2016 16:57 - United States - Fairfax

Today, after driving for four hours to visit my best friend for the New Years break, she still hasn't finished up her skype conversation and left her room to greet me. She knows I'm here. I've spent the last hours watching youtube videos with her cat. FML

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By i guess - 3/5/2014 00:03 - United States - Hamilton

Today, my boss told our production department that we're not allowed to be happy. FML

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By artsmart1 - 6/3/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, I went to go see a specialist for my prostate and was told he would have to do an exam before I could leave. Having had this checked just the previous year, I was more than a little irritated. As I was bent over the table the Dr. said, "Now, just pretend I'm Angelina Jolie." FML

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By sunil - 13/6/2014 22:53 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my 8-year-old son microwaved his pet hamster. FML

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By Foreveralone - 15/10/2019 00:01

We're all that one person

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that that person is me. FML

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By myjobsucks - 13/12/2011 02:15 - Australia

Today, I found out that I'm working on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. I'm spending my favourite time of the year working for $8.70 an hour. At McDonald's. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2012 21:46 - United States - Kingman

Today, I still can't find a job to support myself. The only experience I have is a month in retail and a summer spent in a kitchen de-pooping shrimp. FML

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By yamsterr - 12/3/2012 16:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I agreed to tell her parents that she's pregnant. When they started freaking out, instead of dealing with the situation maturely, she went into straight-up Tard Mode and said, "It's okay, I'm not the mom." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2010 07:00 - United States

Today, I met my roommate for the first time. I walked in the door to see him in full Roman gladiator gear, screaming at the computer because he lost 18 knights. He also told me he wakes up every 3 hours to make sure his army is still intact. FML

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By ouch - 29/3/2011 03:33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were playfully arguing about who loved the other more. After about a minute of this, my girlfriend walked over and kicked me in the crotch as hard as she could. She then said, "There, now you don't love me as much. I win." FML

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By Toothless_Lasagna - 15/10/2017 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and roommate got into a fist fight over a magic trick. They ended up putting a huge hole in the wall that's going to be expensive to fix. We're renting my boss's house. FML

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By that girl. - 6/6/2012 05:26 - United States

Today, instead of having my friends come pick me up, my dad drove me over to visit them. He insisted on walking me up to the door, hugging me goodbye, and making sure my friends were appropriate enough to hang out with. I'm in college. FML

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By lerouxmaster - 22/12/2010 11:43

Today, I received a call from child care. Apparently, my four year-old boy tried to start a mosh pit during naptime. FML

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By Galaxy-eyes photon human - 4/6/2020 02:00

Misery

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me. The worst part is I’m currently stuck in his house and can’t even deal with a fight right now. Why? Because I just had surgery this morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2012 23:14 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I planned a romantic movie night. Champagne, popcorn, romantic comedy. Then his friend decided to show up and they've been talking about 1st generation Pokémon ever since. FML

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By MacGrouber - 17/3/2011 00:12 - United States

Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML

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Top comments

By MissVeracity | 12

#5582031 - Monday 15 July 2013 23:21

How dare you OP! Let him drown like a man!

By thatnucca | 36

#5582034 - Monday 15 July 2013 23:22

I bet he's the kinda dude that would flee a date after losing an arm wrestling match... Smdh

COMMENTS

By MissVeracity | 12

#5582031 - Monday 15 July 2013 23:21

How dare you OP! Let him drown like a man!

ElementaryEdGuy | 18

#5582061 - Monday 15 July 2013 23:29

Better yet, you could take him back out to where he was drowning.

chanellgymnast | 17

#5582063 - Monday 15 July 2013 23:30

Oh hell no! Toss him back in and feed his lousy ass to the sharks!
Shark bait ooh ha ha!

Ambient25 | 24

#5582096 - Monday 15 July 2013 23:56

OP should look on the bright side, the guy is in line for the next Darwin Award..."Oh no I'm drowning...but there might be witnesses so I can't tell anyone..."

fishstick557 | 14

#5582399 - Tuesday 16 July 2013 3:25

Know how you feel OP people do that to me at my beach too. I just tell them "you're welcome."

FML_Elle | 17

#5940299 - Saturday 10 May 2014 6:11

*Throws him back into ocean*

By jw90 | 18

#5582033 - Monday 15 July 2013 23:22

Well if he can't swim he shouldn't have been showing off.

Ian7890 | 23

#5582258 - Tuesday 16 July 2013 1:27

What I am wondering is how you show off by swimming? Ya I can swim like a million other people.

Flaum | 7

#5582505 - Tuesday 16 July 2013 5:01

People do that, believe it or not, especially the sort whose attempts at showing off backfire when they get caught in the tide, and then yell at the guy who saved them.

By thatnucca | 36

#5582034 - Monday 15 July 2013 23:22

I bet he's the kinda dude that would flee a date after losing an arm wrestling match... Smdh

mete_orito | 34

#5582539 - Tuesday 16 July 2013 5:27

Haha I was thinking exactly the same. ..

By rich443 | 22

#5582035 - Monday 15 July 2013 23:22

throw his butt back in

By TheWindowLicker | 13

#5582036 - Monday 15 July 2013 23:22

Clearly you were just trying to steal his girlfriend. We see through your clever ruse.

By annie_nk | 22

#5582037 - Monday 15 July 2013 23:22

But he didn't say anything the whole way to the shore? If he was really that embarrassed, you'd think he'd say something when the life guard grabbed him.