Health: Today, I learned that my housemate used a dry vacuum to unclog...

By thatsucks - 28/02/2016 20:49 - United States - Seattle

Today, I learned that my housemate used a dry vacuum to unclog the toilet before moving out and then didn't change the vacuum bag. He left several weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 820

You deserved it 1 553

Health

Late term

Mother of the year

Not you

Not now

By Anonymous - 08/09/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she looked up at me and said, "You look a lot like your brother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 085

You deserved it 2 596

Bathroom break

By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 02:31 - United States

Today, I had to go to the bathroom. I was in a rush, so I went into the boys bathroom. I then had diarrhea. The entire basketball team was waiting for me outside the stall. They did a slow clap for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 303

You deserved it 8 221

By slim_breezy - 04/06/2016 07:41 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to rush my son to the ER after he ate a poisonous plant. He said the plant looked like one in Skyrim and he thought he'd get super powers from eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 406

You deserved it 2 438

Rip it up and start again

By Seriously - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, after having just cleaned my office at work, I sat at my desk and opened a can of Diet Coke, which then exploded all over my desk, keyboard, and everything else in its path. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 349

You deserved it 8 328

Considering something?

By Alice - 16/08/2021 18:01

Today, as a single and ready to mingle mother, I was glad to be on a second date. All was going well, we started making out when he pulled away and said, "It's crazy that Casey Anthony got away with what she did." FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 74

By rain1 - 06/01/2014 02:54 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I had to explain to my parents why it is inappropriate to take selfies at a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 006

You deserved it 4 344

By Anonymous - 17/10/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, my landlady decided to fix the leak in my room. Her solution was repainting the ceiling. Now not only is my room still wet but it now reeks of paint thinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 582

You deserved it 1 977

By mvp - 26/07/2009 23:51 - United States

Today, my 50-year-old mother borrowed my denim miniskirt to go to the bar. In return, she offered to let me borrow her red "f*** me" pumps whenever I needed them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 841

You deserved it 3 465

By Imthatfirstguy1 - 10/04/2018 15:00

Today, I owe about $18,000 for a useless degree. Why? I graduated in 2016 from the ITT Technical Institute, a few months before the school shut down for good. The kicker? They misspelled my name on the diploma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 579

You deserved it 461

By pizzachest - 19/08/2011 13:11 - Canada

Today, I discovered that I won't be able to wear the dress with a low neck line that I bought for my cousin's wedding, because my older brother thought it would be funny to mix a scented body-wash that he knows makes my skin break out in hives, with my regular one. My chest looks like a pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 291

You deserved it 2 832

By fml_for_real - 04/02/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to ravish me. He told me he would rather play PS3. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 193

You deserved it 6 888

By poorman - 11/08/2014 19:54 - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, a customer came into McDonalds and placed his order. He insisted on putting each coin on the counter rather than handing them straight to me, because he doesn't like touching "poor people". FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 256

You deserved it 3 948

By Hopeless - 04/12/2018 13:00 - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I had a dream that I met my celebrity crush. As I leant in to kiss him, he rejected me saying “woah no thanks”. I get rejected even in my dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 444

You deserved it 262

By skinny dipper - 21/10/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, I was caught skinny dipping by the police. With the arresting officer's daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 912

You deserved it 12 681

Epitaph

By Anonymous - 16/05/2020 14:00

Today, I asked my boyfriend to honestly tell me if I had become overweight. He replied that yes, I had, but that it was OK because I was his "Lumpy Space Princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks 990

You deserved it 1 291

By pinkleopleurodon - 09/12/2011 12:23 - United States

Today, after my roommate decided to become a vegetarian, her new food choices are making her pass deadly, nauseating gas all night. We have a busted window that won't open. I'm afraid I may not live to see tomorrow morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 008

You deserved it 2 560

Suspicious activity

By Anonymous - 20/08/2021 08:01

Today, I pulled to the side of the road to take my medication. A cop claimed he’d seen me circling the area several times and gave me a ticket for kerb crawling. I’d literally just got off the motorway to take my pills. My wife is never going to believe I was innocent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 865

You deserved it 75

Our little bundles of joy

By Anonymous - 25/04/2021 23:00

Today, my partner and I were both horny at the same time. I entertained our 3 kids while he jerked off, then he entertained them while I went and masturbated. We live together and this is the first time we’ve been horny at the same time since Christmas, because we’re both so exhausted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 479

You deserved it 351

By fuckmee - 01/08/2017 05:00

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend a few years after I slept with his boss and got him fired. He is now a multi-millionaire investor and won't take me back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 541

You deserved it 20 495

Four to the floor, I was sure…

By jalapeno_popper - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I learned the hard way why they say "four on the floor" at school. I leaned too far back while rocking in the chair and fell off. I grabbed the desk to save myself, and it came down too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 763

You deserved it 35 411

By Anonymous - 10/12/2012 18:09 - United States - Victorville

Today, my girlfriend felt bad about a rude comment she made to me, and asked me to insult her in return. I told her she was getting fat. Wrong move; now she's not speaking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 111

You deserved it 44 498

By NeedANewWindshield - 24/08/2019 14:00

Today, some unprovoked drunk asshole tried punching a hole through the windshield of my car. While I was driving it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 539

You deserved it 84

By DumbLackofLuck - 22/12/2009 21:54 - United States

Today, I waited until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping. Today, I also discovered that my bank account has been frozen due to suspicious activity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 768

You deserved it 8 942

By fashionista1787 - 12/09/2011 03:23 - United States

Today, I had a creepy old guy with awful body odor in my salon. As I was washing his hair, he brought up how he wants to start a garden, and how a woman's monthly flow weirdly helps to make it grow. Then he asked me if I can save up my used tampons for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 848

You deserved it 2 488

By kittyd - 28/01/2011 05:24 - United States

Today, I came home to find a note on my door. I thought it was from my elderly disabled neighbors thanking me for cleaning off their snow covered car, since about 6 inches came down. It was from them, only it said I owed them for damages to their car. Damages that were already there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 542

You deserved it 3 572

By Misky - 02/07/2012 02:51

Today, I was walking past a homeless guy while smoking; he asked if he could have a cigarette. So I gave him one and said without thinking, "Sorry, it’s a menthol, but beggars can't be choosers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 576

You deserved it 28 387

By Trollface - 31/01/2017 20:00 - Canada

Today, while cuddling in bed, I tried to tell my girlfriend she was cute. It came out, "I wish you were cuter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 179

You deserved it 3 584

By Epithymia - 15/08/2016 15:09 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I went to the chiropractor for a check up. She was going through some of the ways to help my posture and mentioned something that I've never heard before. My fat ass thought it was a type of food. Turns out it was a sports routine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 567

You deserved it 2 945

By L - 01/06/2011 20:40

Today, the sewers in my town became overloaded. My basement is now filled with other people's poo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 018

You deserved it 3 116

Domestic bliss

By Emma - 08/12/2015 17:23 - United States

Today, I had to hide the entire drawer of kitchen knives under my bed just to keep my mother from stabbing her cheating boyfriend, and slashing his tires. This happens more often than I'd like to admit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 206

You deserved it 1 561

By Anna L. - 25/03/2013 00:23 - United States - San Antonio

Today, it was raining heavily so I wore my black poncho as I walked to work. On the way there I noticed an old and seemingly homeless man following me. I turned around to confront him. He picked up a stick and screamed "Expecto Patronum!" Apparently I look like a dementor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 102

You deserved it 6 546

By "The Cat Tickler" - 11/05/2019 16:00

Today, I took a flight from Seattle to Oregon but missed my flight back home to California because the flight attendant came in late and delayed our flight take off time. Then I was told the only way to get California was to go back to Seattle and fly to California from there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 838

You deserved it 114

Creepy

By Anonymous - 13/01/2021 20:01

Today, I had a huge argument with my wife because I declined a lunch invite with a married couple who live nearby. My wife has severe social anxiety, so having a friend nearby is a huge win for her. What my wife doesn’t know is that her new friend keeps hitting on me, and has already sent me unsolicited nudes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 879

You deserved it 277

By DeeElleGee - 14/11/2009 00:09 - Canada

Today, at my work, I was ringing though a kid's purchase. I try to be friendly with the kids and when he handed me his cash I said "Thank you, sir!" in a playful manner. He then turns to his mom and says "Mom, why does everyone think I am a boy?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 201

You deserved it 6 087

Chill out, mom

By chasingcars0624 - 28/08/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, I got a knock on my door at 3 a.m. Turns out, if I ignore my mother long enough, she will assume I have died and will call the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 890

You deserved it 13 164

By gotmilk? - 22/09/2015 13:41 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, my dad was telling me some childhood stories. He mentioned I once started sucking on a cow's udder when I was 2, and I asked why didn't he stop me. His response: "You were an accident and I wasn't good at the parenting thing". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 561

You deserved it 1 828

By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 03:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that vaginal, oral, and anal sex are starting to get boring. Let's just say that my armpit is now drenched in lube. I'm afraid of what he's going to want to try once he gets bored of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 163

You deserved it 10 474

Brutal

By femmr - 03/09/2021 23:01 - Netherlands - Leusden

Today, I really wanted Anne Hathaway bangs, and let my mom cut my hair. I now look like Patty Farrell from "Diary of a Wimpy Kid". FML

I agree, your life sucks 512

You deserved it 395

By retail hell - 12/07/2015 13:11 - United States - Waterbury

Today, a customer berated me and told me to stop whining because I have to work on the weekend. What did I do to deserve this? I said, "Hi, how are you doing today?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 395

You deserved it 1 899

By nancie - 02/08/2018 20:30

Today, while I was at work, my husband threw out 50 out of my 70 T-shirts, all of my tank tops, and all but one of my sweaters. I'm not getting them back because they're burning in a bonfire in the backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 764

You deserved it 693

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Top comments

danceinconverse 25

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Monday 29 February 2016 11:30

And that's when you said "Fuck it." And get a new vacuum.

JuzReading 23

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Monday 29 February 2016 11:39

What a feral thing to do

PaigeDCurtis 14

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Monday 29 February 2016 11:15

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

Aerobic_Exorcism 13

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Monday 29 February 2016 12:36

Why have you forsaken the FML community? You really couldn't conjure up something more original?

nightstalker94 18

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Monday 29 February 2016 14:34

Why can't you just enjoy the comments instead of complaining like a high school girl who can't even?

Aerobic_Exorcism 13

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Monday 29 February 2016 21:19

Because it's a really shitty pun.

nightstalker94 18

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Monday 29 February 2016 23:48

Ah I see what you did there haha good one

countryb_cth 38

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 3:19

And because every time a FML has anything to do with shit someone makes the shitty situation pun and it got extremely annoying real fast

SweetJane5522 22

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Monday 29 February 2016 11:20

I'd say that stinks. But bad puns aside, yuck!

syki 22

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Monday 29 February 2016 11:32

I was gonna say it sucked.

SweetJane5522 22

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Monday 29 February 2016 16:01

Unfortunately that's all I had.

J352SAURUS 30

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 0:51

The OP beat you to it!

_awwhellnaw_ 45

Monday 29 February 2016 11:30

What an idiot. Thank god he's gone. Hopefully the next roommate you have won't be so stupid.

danceinconverse 25

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Monday 29 February 2016 11:30

And that's when you said "Fuck it." And get a new vacuum.

elcee1987 18

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Monday 29 February 2016 15:37

I really would.

False_Stupidity 41

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 5:30

Vacuums probably fucked anyhow, dry vacuums don't take too kindly to sucking up liquids.

MrGodface 21

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 8:14

It is called a dry vacuum, not a wet vacuum.

JuzReading 23

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Monday 29 February 2016 11:39

What a feral thing to do

theoldman 22

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Monday 29 February 2016 16:48

What a fecal thing to do.

scyth3s 13

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 0:15

Feral and fecal are very different...

blehtate 3

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Monday 29 February 2016 12:24

Unlike most people, instead of thinking about the smell or disgusting vacuum... I think of how dirty his floors are. I mean several weeks and you still haven't cleaned the floors.

LMAO__no 15

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Monday 29 February 2016 12:36

Not necessarily. They could use the vacuum just for their furniture. all my floors are hard wood and I still have a vacuum for furniture and cob webs on the ceiling.

Aerobic_Exorcism 13

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Monday 29 February 2016 12:25

Is your housemate the same person that caused septic tank water to be regurgitated out of the toilet by using the vacuum on it, or does no one else get reminded of that FML?

dhiran_singh 16

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Monday 29 February 2016 13:00

Turn on the vacuum might be a new blender now

hellnosucka 27

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Monday 29 February 2016 14:02

what a refreshing idea.

telli164 30

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Monday 29 February 2016 13:59

Find out where he lives now, leave nasty poop vacuum on his doorstep and buy yourself a new one!

Cnscott0205 15

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Monday 29 February 2016 14:07

Mail the vacuum bag to him with a note that says, "You forgot something."

MandieL 27

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Monday 29 February 2016 18:40

That would cost about as much as a new vacuum.

allforfun 23

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Monday 29 February 2016 22:14

I really like this idea...

ThrottleJockey 34

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 3:03

Totally worth the cost of postage!

False_Stupidity 41

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 5:33

Absolutely! Doing this would be worth any amount of postage, just for the satisfaction of it. Oh, and I'd definitely make sure I'm out of sight but nearby when he gets his delivery. The look on his face would be priceless.