By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 11:01

Judgmental

Today, I just had an argument with my father. He claimed that if a woman is covered in tattoos, it's quite clear that she's a whore. He said so in front of my girlfriend, who has tattoos all over her arms. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Serious times

Casual something

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son told me he was afraid of monsters under his bed. When I poked my head under to show him nothing was there, the family cat sprang out and clawed me in the face. Now I have a gash on my chin, and my son refuses to go anywhere near his bed. FML

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By abygalee - United States - Akron

Today, my mom hadn't talked to me for 5 days, so worried sick I called my grandpa. She's been in jail, and no one cared to inform me. Great. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while driving I made a fake phone call with my fake boyfriend, making him sound amazing to my friends who were in the car with me. Until the red and blue flashing lights pulled up behind us. My fake boyfriend cost me $160 in real fines. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Thibodaux

Today, I watched my high school crush pull into the parking spot next to me, and then almost immediately he started backing out once he saw me parked next to him. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it's my wedding day, and I have uncontrollable diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I heard an electric saw cutting through something outside my condo. I presumed it was a complex maintenance guy working on something. It was a thief using an angle grinder to cut off my bicycle's U-lock. FML

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By ladylol - United Kingdom - Towcester

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he'd rather play the new Assassin's Creed game or have a night of sex with me. He started crying from indecision. FML

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By great - United States

Today, I sat in my boss' office as he bitched me out for being "too sarcastic" to our customers. After nearly half an hour of him criticizing my "piss-poor attitude," he asked me what I was going to do to fix it. Without thinking, I said, "Your mom." Now I'm jobless again. FML

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By akward - United States

Today, I began my job as an intern at a high school. I saw one of the students looked very familiar, and I couldn't remember from where. Then I figured it out, I had hooked up with him at a club last week. He's a junior in high school, I'm in my last year of college. FML

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By calvinjakobs

Same name but distant

Today, I met the most compatible and perfect girl for me. After days of talking and finally setting up a date. We found out that we both live in different continents, just our city name has been the same. I was waiting at the restaurant for 5 hours. FML

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By leem - Belgium - Zoersel

Today, as I was driving out of a parking lot, some douchebag yelled at me: "Nice car! Too bad you're so ugly!" It was my friend's car, so I don't even have that going for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2020 17:03

This charming man

Today, I found out my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. And gave me an STD. FML

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By getajob - United States - Carmel

Today, while working security at a welfare office, I had to listen as a claimant gushed about her upcoming Caribbean cruise. I work two jobs and haven't had a vacation since 2006. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2021 20:01

At last

Today, on the third of February, my mom finally relented and let us take the Christmas decorations down. FML

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By whiteycan'tgetitrightey - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, I apologised to someone for my misuse of the word 'coloured' in a discussion about ethnic minority issues. They then got even more angry and said that to even quote the word in the context of an apology is evidence of my ignorance and inherent racism. FML

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By Snowzies - United Kingdom

Today, it was snowing really badly, so my boss said that everyone who drove to work could leave. But because I got the bus in, she said that I should stay and do a full day. By the time she eventually decided it was bad enough for me to leave, the buses were cancelled. FML

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By ayeyieyie - United States

Hypocrite move

Today, my boyfriend of eight happy months suddenly broke up with me via text. He'd always insisted that texts were too impersonal. FML

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By Animeislyfe - United States - Stockbridge

Today, my dad took my phone away because I "had to be texting while driving in order to wreck my car." I was too ashamed to tell him that a huge bug flew into my face causing me to veer off the road and into a brick mailbox. FML

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By moneyman

But I'm a man

Today, I went on a date with a beautiful woman I had recently met. Great food, great conversation, and a great connection. That is, until she revealed that she is a lesbian. FML

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By nightDREAMERms - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that I'm the "lucky" type of woman who can experience intense orgasms in certain positions: in the middle of group yoga. FML

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By mikeyamazing - France

Today, feeling festive, I sent everyone on my phone's contact list a holiday message. Almost everyone replied back "who's this?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took a major test, worth half my grade, not realizing that there were questions on the back of the sheet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a co-worker passed me a note with information about one of our cute, new co-workers I was interested in. Her report? Simple: "Lesbian. Try again. They're EVERYWHERE!" FML

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By gooddaydude - United States - Omaha

Today, my mom called 5 times and I didn't pick up due to being in class at college. I was later called to the front desk, where my mom was crying. She said she was worried about me because I didn't say "I love you" to her after she dropped me off at college. FML

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By killme - United States - Broomfield

Today, at a big family dinner, my dad said, "Pfff, gays don't have it hard at all. The things a guy has to do for sex with a girl? Crazy. All a gay guy has to do for sex is become an altar boy!" My husband's side of the family is very religious, and all hell quickly broke loose. FML

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By lydia - 1/7/2020 08:08

Like that's an excuse

Today, my mother screamed at me because she thinks I peed on the toilet seat. Not my dad, me. I’m a girl. FML

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By wtf fml - United States - Hesperia

Aaand blocked.

Today, I was mourning the recent loss of a close family member. My ex's idea of comforting me was to ask if he could come over so I could “give him some bomb ass head” to take my mind off things. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed my house smells a lot like my grandma's. Not because we use the same cleaning products or anything like that, but because I'm slowly turning into a crazy cat lady. FML

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By Patiently Watching

Today, after three university degrees and a decade of avoiding social media in order to make intelligent use of my time online, I discovered that giraffes are addictively mesmerizing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Coeur D Alene

Today, I went on a date and ate in the park. When I crossed my legs under the table, I scraped my knee and got a lot of splinters in it. When I got back home and started digging out the splinters, my dad furiously demanded to know why I'd been on my knees during the date. FML

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By fml - United Kingdom - Haslemere

Today, while shopping for clothes, I asked the assistant to recommend something for me. She took me to the maternity section. Thanks, but I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Today, I was threatened to be held back because of the lack of teacher-parent communication. My parents refuse to sign my report card because of my one mark below ninety percent. My teacher was dead serious about failing me. FML

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By pukishgirl - India

Today, my boss was skeptical when I told her I had a terrible migraine and needed to go home for the day early. I removed all her doubts by puking over her. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 20:00

Freudian slip

Today, I accidentally sent a very sexually explicit message to my online class because I thought I was typing in a different window. You can't delete messages. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my high school graduation. Because our school colors were red, black and white, and our principal looked somewhat like Hitler, the senior class prank was to salute him when he finished his speech. I was the only one. FML

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By Whitley - United States

Today, I made salmon patties and boiled cabbage. I smelled smoke from my stove burner, but thought I spilled something in the burner. No big deal. Later, this horrible smell started coming from the stove. My husband took the stove apart, only to find that I had fried a mouse as well. FML

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By orgasmsareoverratedanyway - Norway - Myre

Today, I realized just how clingy my boyfriend is, when he pulled out in the middle of sex, lay down and hugged me, and said in his "adorable" voice that he didn't really want to have sex, but cuddle. I wouldn't mind if it didn't happen so often. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I received my soccer team jacket that I ordered a month ago. Trying to save money, I'd selected the "no name" option to avoid an extra $20 embroidering fee. My jacket now has "NO NAME" spelled out on the side of it, and I was charged the extra $20 dollars after all. FML

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By wetbutt - United States

Today, I yelled at my little brother for leaving the toilet seat up and told him he needed to go around the house and make sure they were all down. I went to the bathroom later to find that the toilet seats and covers from every toilet had all been removed and were sitting on my bed. FML

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By Neveragain - United States - Tampa

Today, while at work, a creepy guy blatantly stared at my chest for a good 40 seconds. Finally snapping out of his trance, he said with a wink, "You forgot your name tag." He was right. FML

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Top comments

By Lydmyers | 7

#7967908 - Friday 29 January 2021 12:13

he was CLEARLY disrespecting your partner. I wouldn't take too kindly to that.
Defend your woman! show him that this behavior is not okay.

By juggalo2 | 15

#7967887 - Friday 29 January 2021 11:08

Beyond a very low threshold, arguing with idiots just hours the line of who is an idiot.

COMMENTS

By juggalo2 | 15

#7967887 - Friday 29 January 2021 11:08

Beyond a very low threshold, arguing with idiots just hours the line of who is an idiot.

Reply

fettslaab | 16

#7968182 - Saturday 30 January 2021 17:18

'To hour the line' ? Please explain this interesting expression, which I have never heard. 🤔

By Lydmyers | 7

#7967908 - Friday 29 January 2021 12:13

he was CLEARLY disrespecting your partner. I wouldn't take too kindly to that.
Defend your woman! show him that this behavior is not okay.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7968009 - Friday 29 January 2021 20:44

All you have to do is calmly explain that you're not paying her for sex. Case closed.