By anonymous

Keep fit!

Today, my girlfriend and I were on the phone. She heard I was out of breath and asked me, "Are you okay?" I didn't have the heart to tell her that she'd caught me masturbating, and I'm so out of shape it sounded like I'd ran a marathon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1229

You deserved it

1325

Favorite

There's no helping some people

Commando

Late term

By Anonymous

Whoops

Today, while leaving a job site, I put a bundle of pipe on my boss's van, picked up a few tools, and left for the day. He called screaming 30 minutes later to inform me that I didn't strap the pipe to the rack. It slid off the van and hit the car in front of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2055

You deserved it

4724

Favorite

By Paul - United States

Today, some cops came to my house saying that the neighbors thought the party I was having was too loud and obnoxious. It was my grandmother's 86 birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32358

You deserved it

2913

Favorite

By replik - Russian Federation

Today, I got stuck for a while in a hallway between two security doors due to a malfunction. I'm not claustrophobic, but I sure am sensitive to horrifying smells coming from a nearby bathroom stall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24105

You deserved it

2146

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called the police regarding people speeding down my street because I was worried for my young kids. On the way home from my daughters ballet class I got pulled over 2 houses away from my house and got a $150 speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11694

You deserved it

117314

Favorite

By Anthony - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend due to the fact that she's been cheating on me with my best friend for the past year. She said I was overreacting, and to grow a pair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43854

You deserved it

3852

Favorite

By partycats - United States

Today, I went to a funeral. When I got there, I hugged one of the family members and he asked, "How are you?" Out of habit, I replied, "Good, how about you?" He looked appalled and shouted "How the fuck do you think I am?! My mother just died!" loud enough for everyone to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45023

You deserved it

19580

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I wrote a mental note: don't tell a couple of nuns that you used black magic to fix their computer. Then don't tell the story to your boss just as the nuns walk back in again. Then don't say "speak of the devil" to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12426

You deserved it

37937

Favorite

By I hate children - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, two children decided it would be fun to try to ding-dong-ditch me. I never answered the door as I saw them running away. They did it a couple of times before getting bored. That's when they decided it would be fun to come into my house instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46095

You deserved it

5141

Favorite

By lonely girl - United States

Today, I went with my dad to Starbucks. There is this really cute guy who works there and he kept looking over at me, so I went over to say hi. He ended up asking if my dad was single. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46859

You deserved it

4352

Favorite

By prettyconstipated - 9/3/2021 14:02

Weird compliment, but OK

Today, while buying laxatives at a store, the cashier loudly declared that I'm "too pretty" to be constipated. What? FML

I agree, your life sucks

932

You deserved it

Favorite

By amiezingme - United States - Swansboro

Today, my boyfriend's dream came true; he had always wanted to break a bed during sex. The bed he broke was a heirloom in my family for 150 years. The best part: he was by himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64037

You deserved it

5523

Favorite

By Bogrbon

It's called fashion Dave, look it up

Today, since we can’t go out due to the quarantine, my wife decided she wanted to shave my back with a razor. Two hours later, I have a sore back and I look like I'm wearing the front half of the worlds ugliest sweater vest. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1185

You deserved it

276

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found my dad's porn stash on his laptop. I went through it for a laugh to see what kind of sick, twisted shit he's into. Mostly nude pictures of my mum, as it turns out. I can't wipe the afterimage from my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12876

You deserved it

42485

Favorite

By wtactualfuck :( - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to ask my dad for my hand in marriage. All I could make out from the door was mumbling, until profanities started flying. My boyfriend shouted "well she's a SINGLE bitch now!" and stormed out of the house. My dad still refuses to tell me what happened in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37427

You deserved it

2351

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn't assume he was cheating until he saw me and said "I won't tell if you don't tell, please don't tell your mother". FML

I agree, your life sucks

86562

You deserved it

5484

Favorite

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Australia - Melbourne

Misleading

Today, I went to dinner with a guy I like and paid the $120 bill. After joking that he was an expensive date, he replied, "I'm laughing at how you think this is a date." FML

I agree, your life sucks

55954

You deserved it

6485

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, at work, we finally got a digital projector so our theater can show 3D movies. Our first movie is The Jonas Brothers Concert. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70922

You deserved it

9117

Favorite

By Pururururin - 11/6/2020 08:08

Sounds bad

Today, I accidentally deleted an audio file for my first professional video project. Impossible to do a retake, because the production budget was so tight. The audio from the camera sounds bad and file recovery program still can't help. Also, the deadline is this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1325

You deserved it

523

Favorite

By Joplin - United Kingdom

Today, I was lying on my recliner watching TV when I dropped the remote under the footrest. I got down on my hands and knees and pushed the footrest into the chair. The moment I touched the remote, the footrest deployed and hit me square in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24904

You deserved it

6210

Favorite

By someonepleasehelpme - United States - Centreville

Today, I ran into my boyfriend of 5 years. The weird thing was that he was supposed to be in Iran. The even weirder thing was that he was with his wife and kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

74684

You deserved it

5891

Favorite

By Weter - United States

Today, I fell flat on my ass while running for the subway. Made it on only to find out that it was standing by for ten minutes. I then got to ride all the way to work with a train full of people who watched me fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21857

You deserved it

3423

Favorite

By anonymous - United States - Morristown

Today, I discovered that in the three days I left my 18-year-old son in charge, my dog had gotten pregnant. When I confronted my son about it, he stated, "I don't want the reputation of being a cock-blocker." FML

I agree, your life sucks

15789

You deserved it

4031

Favorite

By Stickysituation - United States - Depew

Today, my friend set me up on a blind date, to get my mind off having been recently broken up with. The guy was perfect: tall, muscular, handsome. But while we were watching a movie, I saw him dig around in his nose, then wipe his finger on my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39637

You deserved it

4477

Favorite

By letmefallasleep

Checks and balances

Today, I found out my husband has racked up $3000 on our credit cards, and ruined my credit score. When confronted, all he had to say was, "Well you didn't tell me when you bought that ten-dollar t-shirt, so I guess we're even." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2242

You deserved it

219

Favorite

By lonelygirl - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I didn't mind paying a little bit extra for my manicure because I forgot how nice it was to have someone hold your hand. Even if it was an old Asian lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37233

You deserved it

5644

Favorite

By Stinkycar

Today, it was an unusually hot day and I saw one of my friends walking down the street carrying a large bag. I stopped and asked if he needed a ride. When he got in, I noticed a horrible stench. He then told me he'd just been dumpster diving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3565

You deserved it

507

Favorite

By Nosexever?

Today, my husband started a new job as an OTR truck driver. He was assigned one week of home time each month, which happens to be the same exact week my period comes every month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3057

You deserved it

226

Favorite

By DontBeRude - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother felt the need to remind me not to fall in love with a fictional character. After laughing and reassuring her that I knew the difference between fiction and reality, she replied, "You know, honey, sometimes I'm not so sure." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23385

You deserved it

3831

Favorite

By RosesAreRed - United States

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers. I thought they might be from my crush, so I excitedly opened the card. It was from my druggie ex-boyfriend, who apparently can't move on with his life even after three years. The contents of the card? "Baby, I got you like a habit, and I can't give you up". FML

I agree, your life sucks

26524

You deserved it

3612

Favorite

By arrow - United States - Pomona

Today, the officers of my archery club forgot to check if anybody was behind the targets looking for arrows. I got hit in the leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22564

You deserved it

1992

Favorite

By Anonymous

Frustration

Today, my wife is still refusing all forms of sex, because she thinks if she gets pregnant during lockdown, she’ll be the butt of all her friends' jokes about what people get up to to relieve the lockdown boredom. I know what I’d like to be getting up to right now to relieve my boredom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1870

You deserved it

312

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a grocery store with my great-grandmother. It would've been nice to know she hadn't taken her medication before she started beating the cashier with her umbrella. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26385

You deserved it

2258

Favorite

By Kortnie Peterman - 6/6/2020 17:03

Body positivity

Today, after 3 months of my boyfriend complaining his weight is making him not want sex, I suggested we go for a walk to help us both start to lose weight. He looked at me and said, "You're too fat to go walking." I'm beginning to think my weight is the problem here, not his. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2382

You deserved it

299

Favorite

By elmalo68 - United States

Today, I must find a gentle way to tell my 71-year-old mother that she's too old to be wearing shirts that expose her belly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43185

You deserved it

3151

Favorite

By madessalarouge - United States

Today, my 4 year old son excitedly asked me if he'd get to see drones at the zoo. He apparently thinks drones are living creatures. I guess I can go ahead and spend his college savings on shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2594

You deserved it

1301

Favorite

By gkid92 - Canada

Today, I found out that if I don't get fillings in at least ten of my teeth within the next year, I could lose them all. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18408

You deserved it

42962

Favorite

By Username - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy, who decided to rudely text message his friend the whole time. When I got home, I realized he'd been texting the girl he was going to hookup with after our date; she happens to be my roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41870

You deserved it

3716

Favorite

By Twiggysucks68 - United States - Antioch

Today, my fiancé decided he wants a baby only because our dog is good, quiet, and falls asleep as soon as he starts to cradle her. He thinks a baby will be just like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27246

You deserved it

2808

Favorite

By Benchlover - United Kingdom

Today, I realized two things: how much time I've spent waiting between lectures, and just how bad my love life is. I found out that I get incredibly jealous when somebody sits on my favourite bench in the centre of the campus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9147

You deserved it

1098

Favorite

By dumb tourists - China - Beijing

Today, a blonde tourist came up to me and asked me for directions to the nearest train station. I politely directed her there, and she left. Five minutes later, she came back and slapped me for not bringing her to an "English-speaking station". We're in China, lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44836

You deserved it

2923

Favorite

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7897166 - Monday 13 April 2020 2:25

Tell her you have coronavirus and she'll feel sorry for you, and you'll get 14 days to masturbate in peace.

By Lennie Mcfish | 18

#7897168 - Monday 13 April 2020 3:01

so? if you masturbate you masturbate, who cares?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7897166 - Monday 13 April 2020 2:25

Tell her you have coronavirus and she'll feel sorry for you, and you'll get 14 days to masturbate in peace.

By Lennie Mcfish | 18

#7897168 - Monday 13 April 2020 3:01

so? if you masturbate you masturbate, who cares?

RichardPencil | 30

#7897171 - Monday 13 April 2020 3:22

Girlfriends and wives sometimes care. They feel they have first dibs on your baby batter. You can't just shoot it into a sock without giving them a chance.

LauraLaik | 15

#7897358 - Monday 13 April 2020 15:56

I don’t think the problem isn’t that he was masturbating. As I understand it, he feels bad/guilty for being so out of shape and doesn’t want his girlfriend to know.