Today, is the day I graduate. Today is the day I have explosive...

By lunarclips - 27/6/2016 14:08 - Canada - Brandon

Today, is the day I graduate. Today is the day I have explosive diarrhea and I haven't moved far from the toilet since I woke up this morning. FML

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11990

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Miscellaneous

Dangling modifier

Out of it

Assumptions

By KayIsKiwi99 - 29/8/2016 19:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized after turning in my resume to over 100 job openings over the past month, that the resume I've been submitting does not have my phone number or any other contact information besides my name. FML

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7347

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By inapickle - 16/5/2012 08:20 - United States - Topsham

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me as I was browsing a baby name website. I explained to him that I was naming characters for a novel I was planning to write, but he is completely convinced that I'm pregnant, and has even told his parents. FML

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29706

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By StickyWicket - 14/5/2019 18:00

Today, at work where I'm a physiotherapist, I was helping a patient with lower back pain. While I was massaging him, he shat himself. FML

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1935

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2016 07:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend was extremely angry. He found a naked photograph of me online that he thought I'd been sending to other guys. It wasn't me. FML

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14919

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By screamo - 2/5/2009 20:44 - United Kingdom

Today, my alarm went off at 6.30. I woke up disorientated, as usual. I looked up and saw a dark, mysterious figure entering my room. Still half asleep, I screamed and dived under my covers. The dark, mysterious figure was my mom. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

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21798

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By mylifesucks - 18/4/2009 07:20 - Netherlands

Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML

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By Kiki - 8/3/2013 21:22 - Poland - Myslenice

Today, my boyfriend came over and dropped off my phone, which I'd left at his place the night before. He immediately left in a sulk. As I looked through my texts, I discovered he was only so moody because I hadn't answered any of his calls or messages. I'm dating an idiot. FML

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By -__- - 27/12/2013 21:49 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered the real reason my husband was distraught last week and has been acting moodily ever since. An attractive girl he was secretly having sex chats with online confessed to him that "she" was actually a guy. FML

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By annoyedwithkids - 2/7/2011 05:48 - Canada

Today, I was baby sitting ten year old twins. When they first saw me, they ran away screaming and hid in the closet. This isn't the first house where this has happened. FML

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33533

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By pissed off - 17/5/2014 00:33 - United States - Brentwood

Today, I was taking a piss, when a mosquito came out of nowhere and headed straight for my dick. In my startled attempt to ward it away, I pissed all over everything, including myself. FML

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43600

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 05:00

Fixed

Today, my husband, who repairs appliances for a living, repaired our dryer. One lot of wet clothes later, it caught fire and ruined the laundry room. FML

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1563

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2012 23:04 - United States

Today, my 15-year-old son begged me to pre-order the next season of My Little Pony. FML

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27033

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2015 08:17 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was told at my babysitting job that I can't bring my toddler with me. My employer is my best friend. Now I have to find a babysitter for my kid if I want to babysit hers. FML

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31748

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By Cody - 30/12/2009 09:35 - France

Today, I was at a job interview at McDonalds. All was going well until the manager told me that I'd have to remove the piercing that I have on my eyebrow. I didn't think that my mole would be so confusing. FML

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28847

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By Julie - 23/11/2011 05:25 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for not noticing the signs sooner. FML

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43859

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By Anna - 18/6/2011 16:54 - Estonia

Today, I woke up with a high fever and hallucinations. I called for my mother, who after checking me, swore that I was just hungover from a night of partying, called me a "f*cking hedonist", and refused to help. FML

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31908

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2009 13:04 - Malta

Today, my parents were out so I invited my girlfriend over. It was the afternoon, and things started to heat up. We were having sex, and I was about to finish. Then I looked through the window, to see a construction worker (who was fixing the house next to mine) giving me a thumbs up. He's her dad. FML

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195901

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By kingwalrus - 12/6/2010 18:55 - United Kingdom

Today, my siblings overpowered me and duct taped me to a chair. Helpless, I had to wait until my dad got home so he could help me. Instead, the first thing he did was reach for his camera to take a picture. FML

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By CrappyLuck - 4/8/2011 02:43 - United States

Today, I took my 8 month-old to the Urgent Care due to extreme constipation. I spent $25 for my son to poop on me the second the doctor had me remove his diaper. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2012 06:31 - United Kingdom - Evesham

Today, my girlfriend decided that having OCD will help her lose weight. She is now convinced that walking in and out of doorways multiple times will burn fat. FML

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23957

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By castironstomach - 3/10/2017 20:00

Today, I learned that my daughter will literally eat until she is sick to keep her father and brothers from getting her dessert. I also learned that my boys are sympathetic vomiters. All five of them. FML

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2650

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2019 22:00

Today, I needed to call my mom to get some info so I dialled the number on my work phone. Not 2 seconds after, my cellphone rang. I got super pissed off because I hate when people call me on my cell at work. It was me. I'd dialled my own number. FML

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439

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By SunshineX7 - 9/10/2013 04:22 - United States - Springfield

Today, I got so self-conscious about weight gain that I got paranoid about how much my Castle Crashers character was eating to heal. FML

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33808

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By charlieweaver21 - 21/1/2010 22:02 - France

Today, I agreed to meet my ex-girlfriend at our favorite restaurant with my hopes high. She just wanted me to meet her new boyfriend. FML

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30973

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By Sissyleemae - 16/9/2018 14:30

Today, I got fired from my job for stopping a shoplifter. Where's the logic? FML

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2943

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By what have i done with my life - 21/7/2013 17:46 - United States - Akron

Today, I jokingly told my friend that when a tree seems to sway in the wind, it's really just having an orgasm. Not only did she believe me, she's been smugly informing everyone we know. She's 26. I seem to be friends with an absolute idiot. FML

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43534

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By BFfail - 15/8/2012 01:14 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's extended family for the first time. Her family kept telling her how much I looked and acted like her older brother and I'm guessing by the end of the day she agreed because now she pulls away and gags when I try to kiss her. FML

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52839

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By m - 9/9/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, we went to the mall and my husband picked me out some perfume. When I asked him why he liked that particular one he responded with, "that's what's the stripper at my bachelor party was wearing." He was completely serious. FML

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41629

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By DrewK - 14/5/2013 20:09 - United States - Great Falls

Today, I went into the men's restroom and started peeing in a urinal next to a middle-age man. As he zipped up and walked away, he said to me, "Don't worry, it'll grow." FML

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46725

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By ELK - 18/7/2018 15:00

Today, having played golf for 15 years, I had my first hole in one. I was playing by myself. There were no witnesses. FML

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3795

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2010 01:49 - United States

Today, I was playing my bass clarinet around the house. I asked my dad if he would be at my concert on December 16th. His response was, "No, I'm working that day." My dad is a plumber, and gets called to work completely at random; he has no schedule. FML

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28215

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By Drewski - 22/12/2016 00:11 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I am recovering from my second back surgery. I survived four years in the Army with one combat tour without major injury, only to destroy my back the day after discharge by lifting my mother-in-law's suitcase into the trunk of her car. FML

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9108

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2015 16:34 - Ireland

Today, after the longest time, I went to the gym. I ran and ran and ran on the treadmill for an eternity, beating myself up for getting so overweight. Then I tripped and fell off, sweating and sobbing for being so useless. When I looked up, I saw I'd been on the machine for barely 2 minutes. FML

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30849

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2010 18:25 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend borrowed my Jane Norman dress to wear to a Halloween party. He got hammered, threw up all over it, and fell unconscious on the shower floor. FML

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23697

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By fuckbio - 12/12/2009 05:00 - United States

Today, after pulling an all-nighter for my Bio final at 8AM and drinking 6 sodas, 3 energy drinks, and coffee throughout the night, an hour into the exam, I had to go to the restroom, so I get permission and go. I'm 1 of 3 people. They later find a cheat sheet in the restroom. Now I'm a suspect. FML

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32907

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By RachelDC - 3/7/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML

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By Brandon Butler - 4/3/2011 09:22

Today, I was riding my motorcycle on the highway and wearing all of my gear - boots, gloves, jacket, and full-face helmet. Somehow a bee found the only spot not covered on my body and stung my neck. I'm allergic to bees. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38518

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By 4lphab3t4 - 21/11/2016 15:22

Today, my neighbour almost ran over my little sister, and blamed it on his disability. What disability? He has no sense of smell. FML

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10758

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By Miko - 1/2/2009 16:45 - United States

Today, my friend caught me watching a movie on Oxygen instead of the Super Bowl. I'm a guy. FML

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10222

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By Hormones apparently - 8/12/2015 02:32 - United States - Westerville

Today, I was so inexplicably horny that I had to shuffle awkwardly and use my bag to hide the wetness of my pants as I left work for the day. FML

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24815

You deserved it

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Top comments

By Cian_1 | 28

#6637930 - Monday 27 June 2016 23:23

Just carry a bucket under your graduation robe ;)

By Wizardo | 33

#6637938 - Monday 27 June 2016 23:28

Just put some wheels on a toilet and take it with you ;)

COMMENTS

By Cian_1 | 28

#6637930 - Monday 27 June 2016 23:23

Just carry a bucket under your graduation robe ;)

By Wizardo | 33

#6637938 - Monday 27 June 2016 23:28

Just put some wheels on a toilet and take it with you ;)

Welshite | 39

#6637940 - Monday 27 June 2016 23:29

You just described my dream scooter.

By aGMAELSTR0M | 10

#6637974 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 0:10

It's ok, OP. I'd rather spend a day on a throne than a few fleeting seconds on stage, too ;)

By KeatonHanson | 28

#6637989 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 0:26

Congratulations on your graduation, mine was a few days ago and it was phenomenal, I'm sure yours will be great too.

slingerslasher | 24

#6638081 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 3:11

" ;) "

By hkhan24 | 23

#6637990 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 0:26

Yeah there's no solution to that. Unlucky dude..

By Bunnyluver | 20

#6637993 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 0:30

I drink this Meta stuff that you stir into water and in about an hour it works! Probably no use to you now, but hopefully it helps in the future.

By jimeple | 12

#6638018 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 0:50

Imodium

By Qandol | 26

#6638050 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 1:42

Time to wear Adult size Diaper, when it smell, give the people next you a dirty Look, so this way the blame is on them.

By morgan_fffff | 7

#6638115 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 4:51

Some nice Pepto bismol may help

By pokkrz | 8

#6638134 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 5:44

Personally, I'd say "Great movie, isn't it?" Wait for them to reply then notice who said it.