Miscellaneous: Today, is the day I graduate. Today is the day I have explosive...

By lunarclips - Canada - Brandon

Today, is the day I graduate. Today is the day I have explosive diarrhea and I haven't moved far from the toilet since I woke up this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12002

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1219

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Miscellaneous

Walk on the wild side

Thanks for all the help

Didn't think it through

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, after finally getting rid of an extremely rude, abusive customer, I muttered that I could kill people like her. I didn't know my manager had heard me, until a pair of police officers arrived. He'd reported me for "threatening to murder a customer". FML

I agree, your life sucks

40883

You deserved it

11081

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By Glassjaw - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I had gotten tipsy and found ourselves in the bedroom. We started to fool around and she leaned over to put her watch on the nightstand. I tried to undo her bra, which surprised her, because she elbowed me in the nose so hard that I ended up passing out from the pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44617

You deserved it

7885

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By flowerfail - United States

Today, I stepped outside to wait for a cute guy to arrive after arduously preparing for our first date. Just as he rounded the corner, I tripped over the last stair and landed headfirst into my mom's fresh pot of snapdragons. My mom uses compost and manure for her plants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43633

You deserved it

4952

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By Vampprobs - United States - Skandia

Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42032

You deserved it

3204

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By riiiight - United States - Warren

Today, I went on a blind date. The first thing the guy did was ask if I knew what it felt like to have spiders crawl out of my vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55273

You deserved it

5835

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend compared my hair color to hers. Also, she braided my hair (two pieces) with hers (one piece). I asked her why and she finally broke down and told me. She has lice and didn't want to be the only one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62668

You deserved it

4741

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By Starchyld - Canada

Today, I went on blind date with a guy because both our moms thought we'd like eachother. Things were going really well until I got up to go to the bathroom and he says: "My mom was right, you do have perfect breedin' hips!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

41812

You deserved it

4116

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By Paco4242 - United States

Today, I found out that my 'girlfriend', who I've been emailing with, was really my friend playing a prank on me. He asked me for naked pictures of myself and I sent them to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24810

You deserved it

78074

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewisville

Today, my boyfriend got pissed off and is now sulking, all because I didn't make a huge deal out of our 1-month "anniversary". FML

I agree, your life sucks

22964

You deserved it

3667

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my co-worker's birthday but she told me not to mention it. Feeling bad for her, I went out to buy her a card, a present, and even a small cake. It turns out that there was actually a party during our lunch break, and I was the only one in our office not invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40902

You deserved it

3548

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2020 08:00

All out in the open

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend took some extremely strong painkillers that unfortunately gave him a giddy sense of euphoria. He then stripped naked in his parents' lounge room and yelled, "You've all seen it before!" His really religious parents didn't know this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1483

You deserved it

161

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By indefiniteforest - United States - Hillsboro

Today, my roommate was complaining about a headache, so I offered her some aspirin. She looked at me like I was stupid and said, "Uh... That stuff's only for heart attacks." I'm living with an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7109

You deserved it

521

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By kykynevs - United States

Today, while at the grocery store an elderly woman farted very loudly next to me. Everyone in the aisle looked our way. The woman pointed at me, and left the aisle. I received many disgusted looks from children and their parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34081

You deserved it

2845

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By Cat Ashes - United States - Dewitt

Today, I received an unexpected package from my mother. It contained my cat's ashes. Apparently he died 3 weeks ago and she thought this was the best way to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43663

You deserved it

2780

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By grossedout - United States

Today, while cleaning the house, I discovered that my husband has been making a little mountain of whatever he finds up his nose on the underside of our couch when he watches TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30031

You deserved it

2522

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By GetFuzzy

Coach Class

Today, I was on the phone with my diet coach. I was telling her how I lost 3 pounds this week. I was saying this while eating a bag of chips, a beer in my hand and cooking a 3-meat pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks

436

You deserved it

1898

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By Zora - Norway - Bergen

Today, while shopping, my six-year-old son threw a tantrum because I wouldn't buy him a video game. I ended up having to grab his arm and leave the store. He screamed that I was kidnapping him, at which point I was socked in the face and pinned to the floor by three bystanders. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41097

You deserved it

3747

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my Mum has spent the money she's been saving for my wedding on moving house. She called saving for a wedding for me a 'pointless cause' as it's probably never going to happen now. I'm only 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29235

You deserved it

3787

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By Blöde Gans - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, my mom booked a family trip to Sweden. This would be great, if she hadn't asked me to tell our former German exchange student that we were coming to visit her in Germany. She was thrilled. Now I have to be the one to let her down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31570

You deserved it

2689

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By Scared - United States - Pacific

Today, I fell asleep while watching the Ted Bundy documentary. I'm a woman, home alone, in Seattle. The nightmares were so scary, I may never want to sleep again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1621

You deserved it

712

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By broken finger - United States

Today, while wiping my ass, the broken finger that has been set straight dipped into the toilet and touched a turd. This keeps happening since I broke it, and I'm sure it will again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43291

You deserved it

11987

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By poorbeauty - Canada - Toronto

Today, my sister found and read my journal. My first entry talked about how I shaved my ass for the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13289

You deserved it

2711

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By BigPurplePresent - South Africa

Today, I was really upset after work, and tearily asked my boyfriend to bring something over to cheer me up when he visited later. An hour or so later he arrived, having bought me a brand new large purple dildo to "brighten my mood". FML

I agree, your life sucks

45901

You deserved it

18041

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By emi - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, the guy I've been seeing asked me to have a threesome. With his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25131

You deserved it

2717

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By onefishtwofishes - United States - Washington

Today, the communications expert I'm forced to work with added the line "as they can catch bigger fishes" to a film script. She does not believe me when I tell her that the plural of fish is "fish." This idiot not only has the final word, she makes twice what I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39801

You deserved it

4435

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 02:02

Who the fuck are you?

Today, I finally mustered up the courage to send a message to the girl I've been crushing on for years. I'm now blocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

977

You deserved it

170

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By awkward. - United States

Today, I found out that my new boss at my job is the same guy that I turned down repeatedly last night at the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57807

You deserved it

4576

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By Norwegian - Norway

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my dad. I thought it was a good idea at the time, at least until he took her aside for a private chat. During the chat, he told her all about my two previous marriages and advised her to "get out while you can". FML

I agree, your life sucks

28834

You deserved it

7328

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By Anonymous - United States - Surprise

Today, less than a week after ranting to my husband about how sick some people are to sexualize characters from kids' TV shows, I looked through his browser history and found out he's very much into Powerpuff Girls porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45842

You deserved it

9079

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By Anonymous

Today, I went into work with the mentality that all of my ass-busting work was going to result in me finally being promoted to manager. We had a site meeting. The entire building is being laid off because Apple cut our contract. Yay, I'm out of a job. I hate Apple. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1983

You deserved it

205

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I decided to work out. Being too embarrassed to run in public, I instead ran in circles in my basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33603

You deserved it

15137

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By KitCatAttack - 11/10/2020 10:06

Hit and miss

Today, I told my close friend that I have a thing for him. His reaction? "Oh, fuck." FML

I agree, your life sucks

943

You deserved it

136

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36783

You deserved it

5375

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By frame - Canada

Today, I was walking my husky when she saw a cat and bolted toward it. I couldn't let go of the leash because my hand was tangled up. Forced to run along, I ran into a parked van at full sprint. I lost my dog, broke two ribs and have to pay for the dent in the van. FML

I agree, your life sucks

96988

You deserved it

10208

Favorite

By fear - 17/12/2020 00:02 - United States - Denver

CIA-level batshittery

Today, an angry customer from my old job and punched me in the face before screaming; “You thought you’d seen the last of me?” I moved seven states over and she followed me here just to do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1056

You deserved it

Favorite

By fukingtigans - Croatia - Rupalj

Today, my business got broken into and I lost a lot of valuable equipment. Although I have 24/7 security guards, they left in the middle of the burglary because they were too scared to stop the burglars or even to call the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30549

You deserved it

2474

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Darlington

Today, I had the contraceptive implant removed from my arm after having had it in for three years. I was one of the unlucky people whose body sticks to it. It took half an hour to cut and pull a tiny little stick out of my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22366

You deserved it

2701

Favorite

By robbedonCTA - United States

Today, I felt a tug on my backpack and found my wallet missing. A nice stranger pointed to a guy running down the stairs and said "There goes the guy who took your wallet!" I ran to catch the supposed offender. The 'nice' stranger was the actual offender distracting me as he got away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40990

You deserved it

7669

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my husband's car was stolen from our driveway while he was out jogging. We'd recently had a huge fight, and he accused me of having done this to get revenge. I was at work all day, but it seems this doesn't make any difference to his dumb, paranoid ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32284

You deserved it

6482

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first thing my dad said to him was "So, how low have you kissed?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

35904

You deserved it

3895

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Top comments

By Cian_1 | 28

#6637930 - Monday 27 June 2016 23:23

Just carry a bucket under your graduation robe ;)

By Wizardo | 33

#6637938 - Monday 27 June 2016 23:28

Just put some wheels on a toilet and take it with you ;)

COMMENTS

By Cian_1 | 28

#6637930 - Monday 27 June 2016 23:23

Just carry a bucket under your graduation robe ;)

By Wizardo | 33

#6637938 - Monday 27 June 2016 23:28

Just put some wheels on a toilet and take it with you ;)

Welshite | 39

#6637940 - Monday 27 June 2016 23:29

You just described my dream scooter.

By aGMAELSTR0M | 10

#6637974 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 0:10

It's ok, OP. I'd rather spend a day on a throne than a few fleeting seconds on stage, too ;)

By KeatonHanson | 28

#6637989 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 0:26

Congratulations on your graduation, mine was a few days ago and it was phenomenal, I'm sure yours will be great too.

slingerslasher | 24

#6638081 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 3:11

" ;) "

By hkhan24 | 23

#6637990 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 0:26

Yeah there's no solution to that. Unlucky dude..

By Bunnyluver | 20

#6637993 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 0:30

I drink this Meta stuff that you stir into water and in about an hour it works! Probably no use to you now, but hopefully it helps in the future.

By jimeple | 12

#6638018 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 0:50

Imodium

By Qandol | 26

#6638050 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 1:42

Time to wear Adult size Diaper, when it smell, give the people next you a dirty Look, so this way the blame is on them.

By morgan_fffff | 7

#6638115 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 4:51

Some nice Pepto bismol may help

By pokkrz | 8

#6638134 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 5:44

Personally, I'd say "Great movie, isn't it?" Wait for them to reply then notice who said it.