Miscellaneous: Today, is the day I graduate. Today is the day I have explosive...

By lunarclips - Canada - Brandon

Today, is the day I graduate. Today is the day I have explosive diarrhea and I haven't moved far from the toilet since I woke up this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12009

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1220

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Miscellaneous

Mother of the year

Near the knuckle

Get out while you still can

By Anonymous - United States - Lexington

Today, I found out that someone had peed into the bottle of Febreze that we keep in the dorm bathroom. I found this out when I sprayed it onto my coat to get rid of a weird smell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48443

You deserved it

5036

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By Anonymous - United States - Canastota

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I assumed since we live together that he meant marriage. I was wrong; the next level is me jacking him off with my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58019

You deserved it

7572

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was so bored that I spent two hours researching the history of spoons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25351

You deserved it

7785

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By taternuts - Canada

Today, one of my classmates pointed out that our professor has a habit of sucking his teeth at the end of each sentence. I'd never noticed before. I can't concentrate anymore, all I can focus on is his weird teeth noise thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27238

You deserved it

3492

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By rackman007 - United States

Today, I was wearing my new sunglasses while watching a basketball game. A pretty hot looking girl was sitting a few spots next to me so I stared at her breasts. A few minutes later, I looked up at her face and she was looking at me in disgust. It turns out that my sunglasses were see through. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9247

You deserved it

91757

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By Pokemon problems - Canada - Toronto

Today, I babysat a 10-year-old and we played Pokémon. It was my first time playing, so he showed me. I ended up winning and the kid started crying and told his parents he hated me. They decided not to pay me for the night, and now I'm out of a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27344

You deserved it

4806

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By couch potato

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike

Today, I argued with my mom that I deserved enough independence to ride my bike to school. Halfway there, I realized I was so out of shape that I had to call her for a ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks

489

You deserved it

1684

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By FranchezDeVista - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was talking to my mom about my issues with my girlfriend. While she was sympathizing, she slowly picked up my wallet, took $100 and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25012

You deserved it

2248

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By Dumped

Today, at work, I went to place a small item on a shelf. The shelf fell on me, trapping my hand. While lifting it, the top shelf fell against my chest and the products all dumped on my face. I then realized the shelves were only held up by zip ties. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3766

You deserved it

338

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By Anonymous - Pakistan

Today, I'm 5 months pregnant. My 20-year-old boyfriend still refuses to tell his parents because he thinks he'll get in trouble. He thinks we can get away with "never telling them and just hiding the kid." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43638

You deserved it

10083

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By serverdessert - United States

Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

48457

You deserved it

19244

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By awwman - United States

Today, my dad found out that there is a free, 24 hour, 7 days a week religious channel. Now that's all he watches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28264

You deserved it

2937

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 21 year old boyfriend asked me what foreplay is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33386

You deserved it

5258

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By Langdon - United States

Today, I went to the midnight premiere of Angels and Demons. A hobo wandered into the theater and sat down behind me. I paid $10 to spend two and a half hours listening to a crazy man talk to himself and kick my chair while he loudly masturbated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58604

You deserved it

9569

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By whoawhat - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where I work to pick up my pay check. After I got it, I headed back to the dorms to take a quick nap before Chemistry later. I woke up, and my check was gone. I later found it. In the form of a text from my roommate saying he gambled away 'our' money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34458

You deserved it

4001

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a $105 parking ticket for being in a handicapped space. The lines were covered by snow, and the sign was on the building twenty feet away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33026

You deserved it

5318

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By coral - United States

Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53526

You deserved it

12356

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By CallMeJesusFreak - United States

Today, I couldn't prove my son has had chickenpox, so his school gave us the option of getting a potentially dangerous shot he didn't need, pay for an expensive blood test to show that he previously had the virus, or sign a waiver stating I'm a religious nut refusing medical treatment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32915

You deserved it

7851

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By "breejanai"

Today, while working as a veterinary assistant, an owner stood extremely close to me and kept accidentally petting me instead of her dog. After her dog was examined, she asked me if I'd ever had the chicken pox because she has shingles and it's contagious to those who haven't. I haven't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5367

You deserved it

279

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By sysadmin:~# rm -rf / - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my self-esteem sank so low that I sabotaged my workplace's corporate network, then fixed it, just so I could feel needed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44611

You deserved it

7387

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By waterlogged - United States

Today, my entire region received record rainfall, with torrential downpours all day and night. Today was also the day I discovered my car's sunroof leaks, when I was greeted with two inches of standing water in my floorboards. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24848

You deserved it

2594

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By NotHungryAnymore - United States - Rochester

Today, my boss is now so comfortable with me that she doesn't even try to hide the fact that she goes digging for gold in her nose through every conversation we have. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18726

You deserved it

1336

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By TJ AJ RJ / IV the V - United States - San Diego

Today, my boss flipped me off in traffic on my way to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33708

You deserved it

4092

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By Jimii Liu - United States

Today, I had a date with a woman. She brought her dog along. Every time when I touched her, the jealous male dog began to bark and tried to bite me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28539

You deserved it

3339

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By Insanity - France - La Poste

Today, I managed to get my 4-year-old son to agree that, "cigarettes are poop." I was a lot less proud of myself when he pointed at a 6-foot bodybuilder-type dude in the subway and yelled, "That man smells of pooooooop." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31063

You deserved it

7716

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By volvo_owner - 10/2/2021 02:01 - Germany - Harsefeld

Vandals!

Today, I wanted to go shopping in my new car that I bought just a month ago. When I stepped outside, I saw someone had smashed the driver side's window. They didn't even steal anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

886

You deserved it

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By bob the builder - United States - Ridgeland

Today, I'm at work on a construction site for a high rise building, on the 12th floor today. I've developed a severe case of the runs, causing me to need to rush to the nearest toilet periodically. Luckily for me it's conveniently located on the ground floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24297

You deserved it

1722

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By me - United States

Today, I discovered a large and somewhat disturbing whitehead inside my ear crevice. Apparently it's been there for a while, because everyone at work has nicknamed it Hugo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23902

You deserved it

3049

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By what have i done with my life - United States - Akron

Today, I jokingly told my friend that when a tree seems to sway in the wind, it's really just having an orgasm. Not only did she believe me, she's been smugly informing everyone we know. She's 26. I seem to be friends with an absolute idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43554

You deserved it

5985

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By John Doe

Still the same

Today, my mom showed to my girlfriend my naked baby photos. My girlfriend said, "Nothing’s changed." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2594

You deserved it

344

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By mikki bee - United States - Reno

Today, I decided to start jogging and exercising, so I had a wonderful workout before work. Then I broke my foot at work. Goodbye exercising. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29076

You deserved it

2507

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By Anonymous

Happy Feet

Today, an old lady rear ended my car the light. Her explanation was, "It's a new car, and when I take my foot off the break, it just rolls forward all on its own! I don't know what's wrong with it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1652

You deserved it

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By Vomitoid

Welcome to the Splash Zone!

Today, we had a test in history. My best friend, who was sitting right behind me, had forgotten about it and put his finger in his throat to vomit. It sprayed all over his desk, his pants, and the entirety of my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5188

You deserved it

322

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By Shaz - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I accidentally pulled out six of my eyelashes. It's noticeable. Very noticeable. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1320

You deserved it

338

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By Samantha - United States

Today, I'm three months pregnant. Hours after the father of my baby bought me a wedding ring, he decided to get drunk and tell me that he doesn't see himself with me for the rest of his life, and doesn't really want to get married. Oh and he hates my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48265

You deserved it

7610

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up to the fire department at my house. Why? My brother called 911 thinking there was a fire after turning the heat on for the first time all winter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2349

You deserved it

132

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By APoorGuy - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I found $20 on the ground. I'm so broke, this is the first time in 3 months that I've had any disposable income. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18547

You deserved it

1906

Favorite

By iHateWorms - Australia

Today, while eating a sandwich, I saw a worm. Knowing that my friend always tries to scare me with fake worms and insects, I bit it to show her I knew it was fake. It was real. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11484

You deserved it

33584

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 20:06

Big boomer energy

Today, my father-in law-shared his opinion that autistic kids should be beaten until they act normal. He saw fit to share this while my autistic son was having a meltdown because my father-in-law came to the house without warning, and my son violently hates visitors without prior warning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2284

You deserved it

234

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By oops - Australia - Wembley

Today, I stuck one of those "kick me" signs on my friend's back for fun, and someone took the invitation. Unfortunately, my friend whirled around and beat the shit out of him. I managed to sneak the sign off his back, but now I feel like a total asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21504

You deserved it

50542

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Top comments

By Cian_1 | 28

#6637930 - Monday 27 June 2016 23:23

Just carry a bucket under your graduation robe ;)

By Wizardo | 33

#6637938 - Monday 27 June 2016 23:28

Just put some wheels on a toilet and take it with you ;)

COMMENTS

By Cian_1 | 28

#6637930 - Monday 27 June 2016 23:23

Just carry a bucket under your graduation robe ;)

By Wizardo | 33

#6637938 - Monday 27 June 2016 23:28

Just put some wheels on a toilet and take it with you ;)

Welshite | 39

#6637940 - Monday 27 June 2016 23:29

You just described my dream scooter.

By aGMAELSTR0M | 10

#6637974 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 0:10

It's ok, OP. I'd rather spend a day on a throne than a few fleeting seconds on stage, too ;)

By KeatonHanson | 28

#6637989 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 0:26

Congratulations on your graduation, mine was a few days ago and it was phenomenal, I'm sure yours will be great too.

slingerslasher | 24

#6638081 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 3:11

" ;) "

By hkhan24 | 23

#6637990 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 0:26

Yeah there's no solution to that. Unlucky dude..

By Bunnyluver | 20

#6637993 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 0:30

I drink this Meta stuff that you stir into water and in about an hour it works! Probably no use to you now, but hopefully it helps in the future.

By jimeple | 12

#6638018 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 0:50

Imodium

By Qandol | 26

#6638050 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 1:42

Time to wear Adult size Diaper, when it smell, give the people next you a dirty Look, so this way the blame is on them.

By morgan_fffff | 7

#6638115 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 4:51

Some nice Pepto bismol may help

By pokkrz | 8

#6638134 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 5:44

Personally, I'd say "Great movie, isn't it?" Wait for them to reply then notice who said it.