Stop! Thief!

By kellthryn - 17/03/2020 23:00

Today, during my work shift, my car got stolen and I had to walk home on the rain. While I was walking home, my stolen car drove by. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 950

You deserved it 206

This Charming Man

Triage

Unreasonable demands

By kelsjenks - 27/07/2011 13:50 - Canada

Today, some ballbag broke into my house just to take my broom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 625

You deserved it 3 065

By Anonymous - 21/12/2017 01:30

Today, my boss left early, so I decided to take an extended break and run home. I found my wife in bed with my boss. I got fired for leaving work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 426

You deserved it 503

Wrong place, wrong time

By Anonymous - 23/08/2020 23:02

Today, my boyfriend are I are staying at his parents' while they are away. While having sex in their bed, the whole bed went crashing to the floor. We have no idea what to do, and we leave tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 625

You deserved it 2 168

By Anonymous90 - 24/07/2010 23:59 - Canada

Today, I spent 100 dollars on lingerie. I put it on, walk out to the living room, and tell my boyfriend to follow me into the bedroom. He says no, and then pretends to fall asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 786

You deserved it 6 453

By Anonymous - 03/07/2013 17:35 - United States - Winter Springs

Today, I finally realized that when my seemingly very judgmental fiancé makes negative comments about other women, it's actually just an excuse to keep ogling them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 538

You deserved it 5 955

Some people just never learn

By WhatJustHappened - 09/10/2020 14:02 - United States

Today, as a millennial, I had to explain to a baby boomer why he needs to use condoms when having sex with his 25-year-old girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 172

You deserved it 170

By sopathetic - 26/02/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around. I was sitting up on my bed when he reached down near my privates and said, "Wow babe, did you shave today? It's so soft..." He was actually touching my bottom roll above my vagina which delightfully formed a crease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 887

You deserved it 21 991

Bad date

By Dammit Brain - 22/10/2020 20:02 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I went on a lunch date with a guy I used to work with. When the conversation got dry, I asked him if he went by “Chris” or “Christopher” these days. His name is Daniel. My brain knew my mistake as I said it. Just when I thought the silence couldn’t get more awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 655

You deserved it 385

By ELparano - 29/12/2012 01:21 - Canada

Today, I was driving without my seatbelt on, when I noticed a police car approaching. I panicked and desperately fumbled around for my seatbelt, only for them to pass by with just a funny look. Then it hit me that I was riding my motorcycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 526

You deserved it 49 553

By Anonymous - 22/01/2014 00:55 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I learned that my girlfriend can sleepwalk. She got up, came into the living room where I was laying back against the sofa playing video games. I wasn't really paying much attention, until she stepped on my crotch, after which she left. She doesn't remember a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 266

You deserved it 6 174

By Anonymous - 13/06/2019 00:30

Today, we went to a nice place by a river to have a BBQ. Someone then asked if we could move the fireplace somewhere else, so we went to check another spot. We came back to find a dog had eaten all the meat we'd brought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 453

You deserved it 844

By Motorless - 08/09/2017 01:30

Today, after months of riding a bike through the rain, I finally saved up enough for a car. It was a little aged, but ran fine. That is, until a tire blew out, the engine stalled, and the battery died within one week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 259

You deserved it 340

By i.ask.you.how. - 12/07/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, a friend of mine told me that he knew I was into kinky sex, "like getting tied up." I just stared at him, spluttering simple question words and wondering how on earth he could possibly know that about me. I then realized that he had been joking. Too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 569

You deserved it 20 546

Dad jokes

By Anonymous - 10/10/2011 22:26 - United States

Today, I wore my brand new Wonderbra to school. When I got home, my dad looked at me and started laughing hysterically. Between breaths, he asked if anyone actually thought my chest was that big and said, "You know why it's called a Wonderbra? Guys take it off and wonder where your tits went." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 133

You deserved it 27 805

By Missedtheboat - 30/10/2009 23:29 - United States

Today, I finished making an awesome costume for a Halloween party my crush was attending. I then checked the invite and found out the party was last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 648

You deserved it 32 533

By yuhan - 22/07/2018 19:00

Today, while walking around outside with my friends, I was told that I have no right to complain about the heat since I'm not fat. Thirty minutes later, I had sweat out all the liquid in my body and promptly passed out from heat stroke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 809

You deserved it 490

By Caz - 10/09/2018 20:30

Today, I got on the Megabus for a 6-hour journey from London to Plymouth. I then realised I'd forgotten to fill up my water bottle and charge my iPod. It's a fully packed, sweaty hot loud coach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 289

You deserved it 1 289

By me - 23/10/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I came home from work to my 3 year old daughter sniffing the rug in the living room. When I asked her what she was doing she said "Daddy smell this." So I went, got on my knees and bent down to smell it and she pushed my face in the dog crap smeared in the rug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 567

You deserved it 7 489

By Teaching - 12/11/2009 07:17 - United States

Today, I was reading my students' Halloween stories I made them write for my creative writing class in high school. One of my students wrote about attacking me. She got my street address perfect and everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 916

You deserved it 4 516

By whaleninjapoop - 06/12/2012 08:24 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I jokingly tried to convince my girlfriend that Wyoming was a government conspiracy and did not exist. She believed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 559

You deserved it 5 975

By ShellShocked - 30/03/2013 04:06 - United States

Today, I turned 18. My parents got me a pineapple and a pair of socks. I'm allergic to pineapple, and the socks are too small. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 744

You deserved it 3 053

The customer is always an ass

By Anonymous - 06/12/2012 23:50 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was yelled at by a customer, who was upset over having waited twenty minutes for a waiter to come take her order. Maybe it would be understandable, if she was sitting in an actual restaurant, and not a serve-yourself coffee house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 303

You deserved it 1 611

By Anonymous - 11/12/2013 08:25 - United States

Today, is my little sister's 16th birthday. I spent my last $20 on a gift for her, cleaned the house for her party, made an ice cream cake, and got her a rose. What did I get? "I hope you kept the receipt for this. Oh, and stay in your room during my party." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 429

You deserved it 3 816

By AUDONEE - 10/02/2010 06:39 - United States

Today, I received multiple phone calls asking how much my Siamese cat cost. Too bad I never had a Siamese cat - let alone a Siamese cat up for sale. Turns out the guy I prank phone called the other day didn't appreciate it and put my number on Craigslist with an add for a Siamese cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 245

You deserved it 59 021

By Anonymous - 14/08/2012 15:42 - United States

Today, after much deliberation, I decided to accept my parents' invitation to a family dinner. A half hour after I arrived, all hell broke loose, because my mom's pregnancy test had come back positive, and she was convinced my dad had poked holes in his own condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 862

You deserved it 1 749

By badteacher - 24/10/2010 05:26 - United States

Today, while I was substitute teaching a middle school class, a boy, named Chris, refused to get in the boy's line for the bathroom. After I had said, "Chris, what makes you think you're a girl?" in a very loud voice, one of the other students said "She is a girl." I've scarred a child for life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 824

You deserved it 52 508

You're going to hell

By he's not the one going to hell - 12/09/2014 21:11 - Australia

Today, some assface hacked my recently deceased friend's Facebook account. The person changed my friend's location to "Hell", then posted a status saying how hot the weather was, and replied "I wish :'(" to someone who'd said my friend was in a better place now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 922

You deserved it 3 393

Going swimmingly

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 18:03 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I was excited to go to swim after a long time of not doing so because of Covid restrictions. After changing into my trunks and putting my goggles on, I jumped into the pool straight away, while still wearing my mask. FML

I agree, your life sucks 393

You deserved it 587

By Anonymous - 25/10/2015 03:39 - United States

Today, my cousin got hired after six days of job-hunting. I graduated from university six months ago and haven't even scored a single interview; he's a deadbeat junkie who just got out of prison after doing time for armed robbery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 809

You deserved it 2 819

Threat Neutralized

By Anonymous - 23/07/2018 18:36 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I farted so loudly in my sleep that it woke myself, my husband, and our cat. The cat let me know he was startled by clawing and biting the perceived threat, my bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 243

You deserved it 701

My ears!

By epistaxis - 02/02/2009 00:43 - Australia

Today, I'm staying with my grandmother and overheard her having phone sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 292

You deserved it 2 630

An Expensive Snack

By Chihuahuanope - 08/02/2017 19:00 - United States - Lincoln

Today, my girlfriend's 2lb chihuahua ate 500 dollars worth of textbook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 841

You deserved it 750

By Anonymous - 26/08/2013 15:16 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a coworker told me she may be in love with me. I admitted similar feelings and we agreed, since we're both happily married, not to spend time together anymore. Two hours later we were both promoted to run the same project, where we'll be "working hand in glove for the next couple of years." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 829

You deserved it 14 777

By SleepyKirsty - 09/06/2009 13:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 120 477

You deserved it 5 684

By Anonymous - 17/01/2017 09:13

Today, my music students began a lively debate about whether or not a music stand would make a good weapon for the zombie apocalypse. What am I teaching them? FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 273

You deserved it 821

By Anonymous - 28/04/2013 20:19 - United States - San Diego

Today, my parents threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't agree to convert to their new brand of Christianity. This is a day after they ranted at me about how I should speak my mind more and not let myself be controlled by other people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 811

You deserved it 3 580

By Anonymous - 13/05/2015 17:20 - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me by taping a breakup note to my doorstep and ding-dong-ditching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 869

You deserved it 2 759

Dad, stop driving my car

By Anonymous - 28/02/2021 00:01 - Puerto Rico - Aguas Buenas

Today, my dad was looking for something in the garage and accidentally knocked over a heavy box, which crushed the new side view mirror I'd bought for my car, because the one my car originally had, he smashed it against a pole while driving my car recently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 985

You deserved it 67

By Marc - 06/02/2012 21:43 - United States

Today, while I was standing in line at the store, some guy insulted the girl in front of me as he walked past. She turned around and socked me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 856

You deserved it 2 176

By Anonymous - 24/02/2012 12:30 - United States

Today, I found out how it feels to get your nut-sack caught in a belt buckle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 909

You deserved it 5 743

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Top comments

neverfind 20

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Wednesday 18 March 2020 2:54

Did you make a police report?

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 18 March 2020 5:28

Hopefully, you had time to get the license plate number and a description of the vehicle to give to the police.

Comments

Boy 1

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 March 2020 0:44

Funny?

neverfind 20

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 March 2020 2:54

Did you make a police report?

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 March 2020 5:28

Hopefully, you had time to get the license plate number and a description of the vehicle to give to the police.

WistayShlaio82 13

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 March 2020 8:42

It’s almost as if...they knew it was your car. I bet they laughed and there’s a video online some where

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 18

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 18

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 678

You deserved it 148

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 417

You deserved it 102