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Early show

Today, I was at work, working on a new play. In the final dress rehearsal, I heard some of the crew laughing so I looked down at the very revealing costume to see that my left testicle was hanging out. FML

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My body, my choice

Litter

Pay up, dude

By SkottLong - United States - Logan

Today, I showed my father a nice sweatshirt online, hoping he would take the hint and get it for me. He did, three sizes larger than mine, for himself. FML

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By ohno - United States

Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML

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By -__- - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered the real reason my husband was distraught last week and has been acting moodily ever since. An attractive girl he was secretly having sex chats with online confessed to him that "she" was actually a guy. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my mom was going through the newspaper and cutting out coupons for me to use. She hands me two of them, one for tampons and the other for a pregnancy test saying "well, you're gonna need one or the other this month." FML

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By Lisa

Today, I was turned down for a job because they thought I lied about having a six-month internship. Why? The secretary I told off for stealing my lunch every single day told them she hadn't heard of me, and the new company won't listen. FML

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By Trapped - Australia

Today, I failed a basic intelligence test when the mouse trap I was setting up snapped on my thumb. Later, when I checked the trap I saw that the mouse had managed to lick all the bait off the trap without being caught, I have a sore thumb and was outsmarted by a rodent. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I heard my surgeon mutter to a nurse how easy it would be to kill me on the operating table and make it look like an accident. FML

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By whykarma - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my German Shepherd decided to bark at, then attack, a painted rock. At least I know I'm protected from inanimate objects. FML

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By johncabbot25 - Canada

Today, I had my first kiss with the woman I've been in love with for two years. Right as I kissed her, some guys drove by in a car and threw some soggy spaghetti at me, yelling, "Noob!" FML

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By theydidsmellitthough - Israel - Netanya

Today, I was playing Slender, when I caught a glimpse of the Slenderman. I jumped in my chair, letting rip a huge fart in the process. Nobody heard it, but only because my shrieks of terror drowned out the sound. FML

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By Anonymous - Europe

Today, my dad went through all the trouble of sneaking onto my laptop and photoshopping a bong into my Facebook profile picture, apparently just so he could win a €20 bet with my mom, that hinged on her grounding me by December. FML

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By nomorepups

Today, I adopted my second dog. When I called to tell my mom about it, she sternly told me that I was not allowed to get any more dogs. I'm 28 and own my own house. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Wedding dress

Today, I walked down the aisle when a bug flew into my mouth. In a response, I threw up on my beautiful white wedding dress. I had to party and be in the pictures in someones spare pink dress for the rest of the day. FML

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By screwedhousemate - United Kingdom

Today, my three housemates got into a huge fight and ended up declaring their undying hatred for each other. They now refuse to talk to each other, and I've become their go-between. Yesterday, we signed the lease for another year in the house together. FML

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By whatthef - United States

Today, I found out that my fifty-five year old uncle had taken my phone and texted my girlfriend saying "I'm his uncle, send tit pics." She did. FML

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By ShaunBomb - United States

Today, my parents brought me an ice cream birthday cake. I would think after 23 years they would remember my lactose intolerance. FML

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By birdbath - United States

Today, I ran into a bird. Not with my car, with my face. It was so scared, it crapped all over me. FML

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By morphea - France - Chantepie

Today, coming home, I discovered that my dog had left me a beautiful mound of poop in the middle of the corridor. He'd made an effort, though: there was a roll of shredded toilet paper next to it. FML

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By happyeffingbday202 - United States

Today, was my 16th birthday. Needless to say, I was delighted when my friends presented me with a birthday card in a homeroom. I pretended to be surprised and exclaimed, "Aw, you guys really shouldn't have!" They didn't. It was our teacher's birthday. They just wanted me to sign the card. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a commercial for some sort of meaty beef dish. The camera zoomed in and my mouth watered because it looked so delicious. Then flashed the next scene: golden retrievers running through a field and eating from their bowl. My mouth just watered for a dog food commerical. FML

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By daqueen009 - 18/12/2020 17:04 - United States

Laundry Day

Today, I had to do my laundry. Being too lazy to separate them into different colors, or even check the pockets of my jeans, I threw everything I own into one load. Turns out I had left a tin of lip balm in one of my pockets. My whole wardrobe is now covered in spots that won't come out. FML

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By mk - Canada

Today, I had a big craving for a popsicle so I went to a convenience store and bought one. On my first bite, my upper lip got stuck to it. I ripped it off and spent the next 10 minutes trying to stop the bleeding from the giant cut I'd put in my lip. It hurt too much to finish the popsicle. FML

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By Bandking - United States - Cleveland

Today, I marched in the St. Patrick's day parade. My horn has an inconveniently-placed spit valve that has to be drained frequently. At the end, I discovered every time I emptied it, it would spray all over the front of my pants. I marched an entire parade looking like I pissed my pants. FML

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By McFizzy321 - United States - Merritt Island

Today, I went on a cruise. I gave my bags to a porter, and tipped him $5. Later that night, my bags still hadn't arrived at my room, and that's when I realized that I'd paid a fake porter to steal my bags. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my father died a little over a year ago. I don't know what's worse; the fact that I don't care or the fact that in his will all he wanted was me not to attend his funeral. FML

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By preggers - United States

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I are divorcing because HE had an affair. He now wants a paternity test. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 23:01

Rock n Roll is a dirty business

Today, I was in a band with some friends and we got our first gig at a local festival, but I'd already agreed to work serving drinks at the festival. My bandmates got really annoyed and kicked me out of the band. They then went ahead and performed the song that I WROTE, without me, at the festival where i was working. FML

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By Lizziebelle - United States - Seattle

Today, my horse learned a new acrobatic trick. Unfortunately, I was still on top of him when he tried to somersault. The horse is fine. I'm in the hospital, fresh out of surgery for a broken femur. FML

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By fuckoffgran - Ireland

Today, my grandma told everyone at our party to stay away from me, saying, "Ya might catch obesity from her and become fatass porkers too." I complained to my dad, at which point my gran faked being inebriated. My dad rolled his eyes and said, "She's DRUNK, honey. Chill out." FML

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By Prodigy - United States

Today, I ran into a former college classmate at Subway. He gushed on and on about how I was the only one in our class with true potential. Then I asked him what kind of sandwich he wanted, because 3 years out of college, Subway is still the only place that will hire a music major. FML

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By Charlayyyy

Today, in art class, we made plaster masks. We were supposed to put Vaseline on our partner's face so the plaster didn't rip their facial hair out. My partner forgot to put it on my eye brows and eye lashes. My face is now completely hairless. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Treat your pets properly!

Today, I had an argument with my dad about how Alpo dog food is trash and is why his dog keeps having terrible farts and diarrhea. My dad refuses to believe me, so now I'm always scrubbing vile, smelly, mucous-laden dog diarrhea out of the carpet. I'm a pet nutritionist. FML

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By Crazy Cat-less Lady

Today, my mom asked me if I was a lesbian because I haven't brought a guy home in over 7 years. Nope. I'm just a crazy cat lady, minus the cats. FML

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By poorbastard - Canada - Longueuil

Today, I was called in over speakers at the airport. The man who was speaking clearly and nearly burst out laughing when he said my name. Soon, a few people around also snickered when they heard it. I had to wait five minutes before I could casually stand up. My last name is Bastard. FML

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By Alpheas - United States

Today, a four pound can of tuna fell on my head at work, and it burst all over my clothes. Since I'm the manager, I had to stay all day reeking of tuna. Now I'm home, my damn cat won't leave me alone. FML

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By couchsurfer - Canada - Toronto

Today, I finally convinced my girlfriend to allow the cats to sleep with us on the bed. As we started to cuddle, one of the cats pissed right in between us. We are sleeping on the couch until the baking soda absorbs the smell in the mattress. I'll be sleeping there longer than that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, one of my good friends confided in me about the affair she is having with our boss. She'd been sleeping with him for 3 months and told me they were in love, but it had to be kept quiet due to our company's very strict anti-fraternization policy . I'd been secretly seeing him all year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

What is it?

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, I had my first orgasm. He thought something was wrong, so he stopped. FML

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By earplugsplease - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I went to visit my sister, who lives four hours away from me. I'd only just sat down on their couch when her husband told me I needed to leave so they could have sex. FML

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By ikungfuyou - United States

Today, despite being 21 years old and living in my own place, my mom still managed to walk in on me whacking off. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7877289 - Sunday 26 January 2020 21:40

Was the crew chuckling or were they outright bawling? That must have driven you nut. The costume designer must be sacked!

By DirtySalamander | 7

#7877296 - Sunday 26 January 2020 22:10

this happened on November 25 of 2009. why did someone rewrite it again?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7877289 - Sunday 26 January 2020 21:40

Was the crew chuckling or were they outright bawling? That must have driven you nut. The costume designer must be sacked!

By DirtySalamander | 7

#7877296 - Sunday 26 January 2020 22:10

this happened on November 25 of 2009. why did someone rewrite it again?

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7877329 - Monday 27 January 2020 3:34

Write a new joke for it. Surely, your sense of humor has changed over the past decade.

By Chantalle Hensgens-Waltmans | 19

#7877832 - Tuesday 28 January 2020 19:38

Phew, at least it wasn’t your right testicle. That would’ve been really awkward.