Intimacy: Today, I was on a stationary bike at the gym. I got into a conversation... - FML

By fatguyinalittlecoat - United States

Today, I was on a stationary bike at the gym. I got into a conversation with a very attractive female gym-friend. I felt something cool "down below". I looked down and saw one of my testicles had sneaked out of a hole in my shorts, I quickly looked up only to see her staring at the same thing. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

Countdown

Bass, how low can you go?

By Anonymous

Today, while making deliveries, a lady answered the door stark naked and invited me in. I'm a young single guy so I went for it, but her husband was also there, ready to go with an enormous boner, so I ran to my van and went back to the depot. They reported me for bad customer service. FML

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By Peppered and Zapped

Appropriate force

Today, I'm recovering from being pepper-sprayed, beat with a baton and Tased, and arrested for assault. I'm a bouncer and was trying to remove a drunk asshole from the bar when the police showed up. FML

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By Broc'n dreams - New Zealand - Auckland

Face Your Fears

Today, I woke up screaming "FUCK OFF!" because I had a dream that someone threw broccoli through my window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend showed me a creepy piece of artwork he'd drawn. I laughed and said that it would give me nightmares, meaning it as a compliment. Turns out, this one was in honor of his dead grandmother, who'd raised him. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I discovered that my son has an allergy to cats. My partner of two years, not wanting to fight, suggested a compromise: that my son and the cat take turns sleeping outside. FML

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By mylifesucks - United States - Ellijay

Today, I was walking down the street and saw a man trip over a sign. He then grabbed his cane, started screaming, and began beating the sign. Apparently that didn't release his anger, so he began to beat the nearest car. I thought it was hilarious, until I noticed it was my car. FML

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By fishoutofwater - United States - Radcliff

Today, in an attempt to broaden my horizons in another sport besides swimming, I succeeded in getting a frisbee spiked into my face. FML

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By kodijack - United States

Today, I got stuck behind a guy riding his bike 20 mph below the speed limit. I honked, cursed, screamed, and yelled, before finally managing to overtake him. Once I got home, I went outside to get the paper, and discovered that the biker lives just two doors down from me. FML

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By cocokiss410 - United States

Today, while I was at work, a co-worker watched while some kid stole the radio out of my car. FML

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By amanda_ae_erin - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me in a text message. Then I found out from a mutual friend that he "came out" and told everyone at our school that he is gay. He has known he was gay for years and he was just using me as a cover up. What a great way to start my senior year. FML

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By Adam - United States

Today, my iPod dropped out of my pocket while I was walking. Trying to be cool, I attempted to kick it back into the air to catch it before it hit the ground. Upon making contact with my foot, It ended up detaching from my headphones and flying 10 feet. Right into a sewer grate. FML

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By workaholic

Today, I was talking to my manager about a movie. She asked what main actors were in it, but the only one I could remember was Forest Whitaker. I told her then immediately blurted out "You know, the one with the freaky lazy eye." My manager has a lazy eye. FML

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By yoyo22 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with my friend for vacation. We were playing Marco Polo in the ocean and I was Marco. I thought I heard my friend, so I lunged forward and grabbed her. Too bad it wasn't my friend, it was an old guy in a pink speedo, and I grabbed his butt. FML

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By Scabs - United States

Today, I was in the car with my parents' friends. I was in the back with my window down when I felt something strange hit my ear. I then realized that the person sitting in front of me was picking their scab and throwing it out the window. FML

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By deee21 - Australia

Today, while resting in bed, I felt a slight tickle on my neck. Thinking it was a cockroach, I panicked and flung it across the bedroom. Turns out it was my brand new necklace, which is now broken into dozens of pieces. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2020 22:58 - Canada - Newmarket

Bored

Today, my alcoholic dad finally came to see to my last dance recital after years of never showing up to watch me. He got kicked out of the audience for snoring too loud. I could hear him from the stage. FML

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By SleeplessinNJ - 20/10/2020 17:02 - United States - Raritan

Kick the bum out

Today, after spending money on all the furniture and decor in our apartment, paying rent every month from my bank account, paying for all the groceries, and paying for all the dog supplies, my fiance asked why I don't keep saving thousands of dollars every month, while he pays for none of it. FML

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By LifeSucks - Canada

Today, as I was taking my three year old daughter home from daycare, she asked where her daddy was. I tried to tell her that I was her father, but she answered, "No, not you! My other daddy!" I've got some talking to do tonight. FML

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By Boulette - France - Dammartin-en-go?le

Today, I was on vacation, when a very cute guy starting talking to me and asked me what my name was. Overwhelmed and stressed out, I blurted out that I didn't have one. FML

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By GogglesGoggles - United States

Today, a guy punched me in the subway for staring at his girlfriend. I had dark glasses on, and was fast asleep. FML

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By fijiflu

Today, at work in a call center, I went into my locker to get my pain pills from a recent surgery. When I opened the bottle, half my pills spread all over the floor. My boss walked by and said, "I knew it!" FML

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By Mark - United States - Sparks

Today, while I was vacuuming, my cat got scared and tripped me. I landed on the vacuum handle between my legs. Not walking too well right now. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I underwent surgery and feeling rather groggy upon being awoken, I very loudly declared, "I've always had a thing for doctors. Kiss me?" then promptly giggled, tried to launch myself in a random doctor's arms and fell flat on my face. FML

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By WhyGodWhy - United States - Addison

Today, I spent the first night in my new home as a first-time homeowner. I was relaxing and enjoying the feeling of having my own space when I reached over to get my glasses and came back with a cockroach. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, was my wedding day and I had been preparing my speech for my husband for about 3 months. At the wedding, I poured my heart out to him. Did he do the same? My husband forgot about it and right before the wedding, took his from his first marriage and changed the name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to put my laptop on a desk when I got a text message. I was startled by my ringtone and dropped my laptop on the ground. It now has dent marks on the bottom. The text message was from an annoying friend simply saying "I'm eating a hot dog." FML

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By Losamus

Nice first impression.

Today, I didn't know I had a pill stuck in my throat until I coughed and it flew across the table, narrowly missing the weird guy sitting across from me in the break room. Turns out that weird guy is my new supervisor. FML

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By timmynotjimmy - Canada

Today, my girlfriend told me how disappointed and depressed she was that she could never make me hard. She started ranting about her looks and how she fails at everything. I didn't know how to reply. I was hard while she told me. FML

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By TheIrony - United States

Today, while driving I saw a police car riding along next to me. Thinking about the news recently, I decided to give him a quick thumbs up and a smile to lighten up his day. He looks back, smiles, flips on his siren, and pulls me over for not paying attention to the road. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Lewistown

Today, I was subpoenaed on behalf of my mother-in-law. My husband said if I didn't defend her and consequently lie under oath, our marriage is over. She said, "I can get rid of two problems in one day!" FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 20:01 - Australia - Sydney

Stuck

Today, I was told by my boss if I was late one more time he fired me. I replied, "Can I quit then if that's the case." He then said no, and gave me more shifts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's our third anniversary. After a candlelit dinner and a midnight boat ride, my wife turned down sex, because "it's too cliché." FML

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By stillhungry - United States

Today, while driving across country, my car broke down while in the middle of nowhere. I had it towed to a mechanic in the nearest town. While he fixed the car, I went to get lunch. The only restaurant in town was an old-fashioned drive-up diner. They wouldn't serve me because I wasn't in a car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I gave a homeless man my last bit of spare change so he could get on the bus. Just as I was about to get on too, I realized I'd lost my bus card. I had to get off the bus and watch as the man waved at me through the window. FML

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By krt - United States

Today, my dad found the ugliest picture my mom has ever taken. I show it to her laughing. She said it looks like me. I looked again and it kind of does. FML

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By 34_22_34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. He said we’d go pick up the ring tomorrow. Then he asked to borrow $40 to get it out of pawn. He pawned it when his ex gave it back to him. FML

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By limegreenpoopie - United States - Valrico

Today, my boyfriend's obsession with card tricks reached a new low. He barged into the bathroom while I was taking a crap and asked me to pick a card. FML

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By NotSoSmart - United States - Ventura

Dr. Phil

Today, in the spirit of being helpful, I accidentally convinced the girl I'm secretly in love with to stay with her boyfriend. FML

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By sadsadboy - Peru

Today, I went to a bar which has two stories. I was on the top floor and then went downstairs. As I was going down, I recognised a boy in a wheelchair and his friends trying to get him up. I helped and took the wheelchair. One of his friends decided it would be a good moment to steal my wallet. FML

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By the fish

Today, I started this show and was really confused what was happening until I realized I accidentally started from the last episode so I basically ruined the whole show for myself. FML

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Top comments

By untoldfame | 3

#710795 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:23

When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation I'm riding an exercise bike with my nuts hanging out!

By drahcir1994 | 0

#710849 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:46

who wears short shorts,.. you do. =p

COMMENTS

By elyssarae | 0

#710765 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:10

ewww. bummer.

Reply

shoieb9 | 14

#711974 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 19:52

Yup exactly ;)

Reply

killerviral | 0

#830887 - Saturday 6 February 2010 19:23

u should of said hungery? lol

Reply

manofdoom | 0

#918176 - Saturday 6 March 2010 5:42

boxers?

Reply

ryguy997 | 0

#927969 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 7:36

shoulda asked if she's allegic to nuts.

Reply

Gibby_fml | 0

#976538 - Thursday 8 April 2010 18:20

YDI for wearing short shorts. (and being a guy... women can wear short shorts)

Reply

mystic_star | 0

#1137986 - Sunday 25 July 2010 14:54

wear some proper underwear you nong

Reply

Tyrone_Hawkins16 | 0

#1148391 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 16:56

#54 You winzz

By untoldfame | 3

#710795 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:23

When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation I'm riding an exercise bike with my nuts hanging out!

Reply

Stick523 | 0

#854020 - Sunday 14 February 2010 8:16

that's fucking hilarious

By hotgrl | 0

#710796 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:23

dick.. yum ;)

By magenkyo | 0

#710799 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:23

jdjzjbzjzjxbbxdjsjixjdnsxoidj

By Punk_Junkies | 0

#710804 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:24

well at least ur balls dropped, didn't it?

Reply

customparachute | 0

#1661364 - Sunday 7 November 2010 6:33

only one :)

By magenkyo | 0

#710811 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:27

who cares just say sorry or something. in any case she didn't think it was on purpose

By FMLFawly | 0

#710844 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:44

Female-gym friend lol. Shouldve offered her some happy sacks/snow globes.

By drahcir1994 | 0

#710849 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:46

who wears short shorts,.. you do. =p

By quintus5446 | 0

#710851 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 23:51

you are either the man with the gigantic furry meat grenades on the planet deserving mention in Guiness' Book or Ripley's collection of oddities, or you are still wearing the shorts you bought in '74 with the matching sweatband and rollerskates. either way, kudos to you!

By Dopeyrox | 0

#710917 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 0:38

this just made me laugh. maybe she was staring because she liked those nuts