Today, my husband went nuts. He's quit his job and set out building an amateur bomb shelter in our backyard. According to him, there's "substantial evidence" that cannibalism is on the rise across the country, and that "it's gonna be like Resident Evil out there, babe." FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML
Today, I came home to find my dad's mid-life crisis has finally started. He's blacked all our windows, barricaded the door to the backyard, and set up a bunch of security cameras in and out of the house. It seems he's been reading up on Survivalist and Masonic conspiracy theory bullshit. FML
Today, I found out that the only way I can convince my husband to start working out is by convincing him that we are training for when the "zombie outbreak" happens. FML
Today, my husband started his midlife crisis with a bang, or rather several bangs, as he admitted that there are two women out there pregnant with his babies. Oh, and he quit his job to escape the daily grind. Oh, and he remortgaged the house to buy a truck so we could go cross country. FML
Today, my husband sat me down on the couch so he could share some "awesome" news with me. He excitedly declared that he and his idiot drinking buddies are planning on running a real-life Fight Club out of our basement. FML
Today, my husband's idea of social isolation is to lock himself in his caravan with his Xbox, 200 cans of beer and a dozen takeaway menus. I’ve not seen him in 6 days, and when I tried to force entry to tell him to snap out of it, he sprayed disinfectant at me until I couldn’t breathe. FML
Today, we have nearly no food in the house. My husband went shopping with the kids and returned with a sack of tomatoes. Time to make lunch. FML
Today, my psycho neighbor finished building a cannon. An honest-to-god, on-wheels, could-be-on-a-pirate-ship cannon. And now he's testing it in the forest by my house. I'm pretty scared for my life, to be honest. FML
Today, my husband and I got into a huge argument. He called me wasteful for throwing out old food. He insisted that you can simply pick the mold off and the food was perfectly fine. He’s going to kill our kids. FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, he'd kill me before I got infected. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
ohcoolstorybro 14
Miami zombie is real
PlaidPanda 9
Because the cops shot the guy FIVE times before he went down, I'm guessing one of them was in the head.. Have you heard about the mother eating her baby, the dude eating his roommate, and there have been a few other ones out there too. I don't believe this is a "zombie pandemic" but some freaky shit is going on.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (361)
thelastavailable 13
She must be married to CopperCab!
hairybuttgnome 0
Dosent he know? Zombies break through ANYTHING in resident evil.. He'll need a damn good group of allies haha
WhyAmUHere 19
Well, you can't say he's wrong. A man ate another man's face. And a woman ate her infant son's organs.
Levvy 22
How do two stories constitute "cannibalism on the rise"? I could say that means it's declining. You need a number to compare it to. That's what rising, falling, or even staying the same means. You're comparing it to something. Sheesh. You know, when I was in preschool and they started drilling us the ideas of "more, less, and same", I didn't understand how anyone couldn't have already understood those concepts by then. Now I see there were kids who indeed didn't, and what sorts of adults they grow up into.
catharsis5 9
As someone who talked to a few reporters, let me tell you something. Chances are that the amount of cannibalism in the nation is the same 3 months ago, a year ago, 5 years ago and now. The only difference is that it is sensationalized right now. In LA, it is known that not even half of the crimes in the city is reported in the LA times and other news outlets. That being said, a shelter is not a bad idea just in case.
COLDB3AR 6
There are a lot of cannibalistic people in the recent media now a days, one story even says its a virus that makes you want human flesh. I'm not sure if that one is true or not, but some people have gotten really freaked out by it.
Cassandrax731 5
Looks like your only bonding sessions are going to be watching Zombieland and Shaun of the Dead together. Romantic dates will be replaced with weapon training.
Xxkrystalxxx 10
Good man!!!!
greenie213 23
Are you kidding me?!?!?! The evidence is far more than substantial!!!
_highandlow 5
You're my first favorite. Haha this is hilarious. FYL.
TheyCallMeDamien 18
Only if everybody starts buying bath salts. But if he's really serious they're are actually a few books on surviving a zombie apocalypse.