Miscellaneous: Chilly - FML

Chilly

By Anonymous - 13/01/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, my window got busted and won't shut properly. I live in a college dorm room and maintenance says they can't fix it for a couple of days. It's below freezing in my dorm and I can see my breath while trying sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 352

You deserved it 2 615

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Furry family

Can't buy me love

Good deeds

By dhdyvifjdksk - 26/01/2020 03:00 - United States

Today, I donated blood and the nurse said: "God blesses good deeds", when I get home, my mom tells me that we have to sell the house because we're broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 107

You deserved it 129

By HomicidalPegasus - 25/05/2014 15:50 - United States - Bethalto

Today, my girlfriend and I got into an argument while she was in the bathroom. I told her I was leaving her because she's too needy. She came out of the bathroom and threw her used tampon at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 213

You deserved it 36 189

By Steve.mc - 01/05/2011 07:03 - Canada

Today, someone asked my wife if I was her father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 382

You deserved it 7 949

Little shit

By LadyJ - 21/03/2012 00:23 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I had to tell a parent about her son kicking a boy in his class. She blamed me for not watching him. I wasn't watching him because I was turned around to care for another boy he had hit right before that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 610

You deserved it 2 117

By wat_dafuq_bro - 06/05/2013 06:06

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend. Being the mature one, I went up to her and said, "Hey, how's it going?" She maced me and kept walking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 388

You deserved it 11 313

By musicislife1337 - 08/01/2012 07:24 - Canada

Today, I received numerous text messages from my parents asking where I was and how worried they are. I was in my room, they didn't even notice me walk in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 988

You deserved it 3 079

By asdfghjkl_12 - 25/02/2009 04:33 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend owns and wears more thongs than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 615

You deserved it 6 662

By poops - 27/01/2010 03:14 - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend and her best friend compare the dumps they take to common transportation. They comment about it on each others facebook page. My girlfriend's last one was apparently a 'coach bus'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 017

You deserved it 3 732

By Anonymous - 08/12/2010 01:49 - United States

Today, while walking past a homeless man, I heard him comment on the woman in front of me saying, "I should come to this side of town more often, there's some hotties here." Then he saw me and said, "Wait, no, I think I'll stay on the other side of town." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 081

You deserved it 3 959

By Dear God Why - 05/12/2016 13:07

Today, I finally determined the source of the horrible smell that periodically invades my apartment: there's nothing wrong with the plumbing as I previously thought, I can just smell my neighbors pooping in their bathroom on the other side of the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 325

You deserved it 710

By Anonymous - 31/05/2013 03:28 - United States - Carencro

Today, my boyfriend "finally figured out" that he couldn't possibly be the father of my child, and publicly broke up with me. When I reminded him that I was already pregnant when we first met, he "extra" broke up with me for making him look stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 192

You deserved it 7 390

By Granmacathy - 29/11/2009 07:13 - United States

Today, my grandson asked how old I am and whether I'd seen Mammoths "for real" when I was a kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 013

You deserved it 4 483

By not laughing anymore - 11/12/2014 19:55 - Netherlands - Egelshoek

Today, since my finals are starting tomorrow, I made a joke about setting my math books on fire. I laughed. Friends laughed. Parents laughed. Guess what subject just managed to actually get in touch with my scented candles? FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 724

You deserved it 6 420

By Anonymous - 29/08/2014 02:48 - United States - Encinitas

Today, my butt decided to delete the 650 photos I had on my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 204

You deserved it 8 107

By Eden - 14/07/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, my tonsils swelled to roughly the size of golf balls. My mom refuses to take me to the hospital because she's convinced I got it from kissing someone, and until I "fess up", she's not budging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 879

You deserved it 3 141

By foreveralone - 17/02/2015 15:48 - United States - Sherman

Spicy

Today, I was talking to my best friend's brother after we drunkenly hooked up last night. I've had a crush on him for over a year. He ended up interrupting himself and said, "Please don't tell anyone about this. I don't want anyone to think we're dating or anything." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 915

You deserved it 6 310

By robbed - 14/10/2010 02:25 - United States

Today, I realized I was happy because we finally started having friends come visit us after months of not having company. I also realized that our secret stash of money was stolen last night while we had company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 758

You deserved it 4 376

By Loose Goose - 24/10/2018 12:00

Today, I went on a coffee date. It turned out to be a mistake - not because he was bad, but because I forgot how much coffee upsets my stomach. Yup, it makes me need to poop, and I did. In my jeans. As he drove me home. Not quite the "run" of fun we’d planned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 652

You deserved it 685

Reset my life

By Username - 17/05/2011 04:05

Today, I updated my Facebook status as, "Lost all my contacts, need numbers". My mom commented, "Her phone didn't get reset, she just doesn't have any friends." Her comment got 32 likes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 059

You deserved it 8 677

Jonah begs to differ

By JOTA - 07/10/2020 04:02 - New Zealand

Today, my girlfriend told me she was worried about being eaten by a whale while out kayaking on our holiday tour. I told her that she was way larger than whale food, and that it wouldn’t be interested in her. Now she is accusing me of trying to tell her "nicely" that she's fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 115

You deserved it 335

By mickstinator - 25/06/2009 15:37 - United States

Today, I was parking my car outside of my apartment, but the big truck next to the spot went over the line. I squeezed in anyway. Later, I discovered the truck had left and someone keyed my car. They left a note saying, "Good parking job, asshole." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 205

You deserved it 7 206

By SierraDiaz2097 - 23/03/2013 05:44 - United States - Vardaman

Today, I sneezed. My boyfriend told me to shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 539

You deserved it 9 639

By Pithegreat - 06/01/2016 04:48 - United States - Rohnert Park

Today, I went to move a load of laundry out of the washer and into the dryer, but the clothes were already in the dryer. Normally, I would be happy about this. However, I am currently living alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 562

You deserved it 2 020

By stop thief - 26/06/2014 15:11 - United States - Aurora

Today, someone stole my laptop from my car. However, they were nice enough to relock the doors after they smashed in the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 964

You deserved it 6 079

By somethingblue - 16/09/2013 21:11 - United States - Lowell

Today, it's my wedding day. Almost a year ago I was in a terrible car accident that nearly left me paralyzed, but I worked my ass off to be able to walk down the aisle. After a lot of blood, sweat, and tears I made it to the big day... and woke up with food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 073

You deserved it 3 383

Second Life

By Aaron - 12/04/2021 07:59

Today, I finally got to experience being loved, or at least what it looks like. I paid for a fabulous wedding in a video game with a reluctant friend, who only agreed after I explained all the free costumes, pets, and other items he'd receive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 621

You deserved it 332

By Anonymous - 18/09/2010 05:39 - United States

Today, after weeks of allowing my parents to borrow money, I got a check for $2000. I took it to the bank only to find out it was fake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 162

You deserved it 3 345

Hangry time

By ohforcheese - 19/01/2012 20:19 - United States

Today, I learned that when microwaveable pizzas say, "Caution, hot after cooking" what they really mean is that you should be prepared for the cardboard tray to fall apart when you try to pick it up and that boiling hot cheese is going to run down your arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 556

You deserved it 8 515

By Username - 10/02/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, I got into an accident and my car was totaled. My friends then took me out to a bar for a drink to make me feel better. It appears that the police officer had kept my I.D by mistake and I couldn't get into the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 334

You deserved it 4 052

Anger issues

By Flash - 25/07/2021 17:31 - India - Bangalore

Today, I found out why my girlfriend has been angry with me ever since I moved in with her. Apparently, she is pissed that I taught her cat how to play fetch and keep treating him like a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 864

You deserved it 122

By Zahkrii - 26/12/2018 16:00

Today, while returning from a class, I stopped to use the bathroom. While in said bath room, someone threw a chip bag filled with piss water into the stall I was using. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 687

You deserved it 341

By Anonymous - 11/09/2015 17:25 - United States - Blairstown

Today, someone photoshopped my head onto some nude girl's body and spread it around at school. It was shockingly convincing. Now everyone's calling me a slut, and the worst part is I have no idea which photo the person used or where they got it from, so I can't prove it's a fake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 493

You deserved it 1 736

By Anonymous - 20/01/2010 16:17 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a swim in his pool. I was hoping that the swim would be somewhat romantic, however, that came to an abrupt end when he decided that it would be cool and funny to try and lift me up by my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 573

You deserved it 4 456

By Sam - 09/02/2011 20:56 - United States

Today, I toured an art museum. Our tour guide had an obvious lisp, so I tried my best not to laugh. When she asked me a question about a sculpture, I accidentally responded "Yeth ma'am". She ended the tour right there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 549

You deserved it 68 691

By Weddingbelles - 12/09/2016 15:52 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, at the end of my 10-hour shift, my manager made me count exactly how many business cards were left in inventory before I could leave. She didn't believe me when the number came to exactly 3000. She made me count them all again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 195

You deserved it 769

By jaqen h'garrrhghhgfgjhfuck - 09/06/2014 21:45 - France - Toulon

Today, I was spinning some yarn around to make my new cat run in circles. After about 10 seconds, he stopped going in circles and went straight ahead, happily running several feet into the wall and knocking himself out. My bowel movements have more brain-power than this thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 877

You deserved it 9 433

Oh, hai Mark!

By lyle - 02/04/2021 08:00

Today, I had to listen to my daughter’s explosive diarrhea while I watched TV. When she came out of the bathroom, she went white as a sheet. Apparently she thought she was alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 150

By imsadnow - 31/01/2011 20:01 - United States

Today, I was having a bad day at work. Then, on my coffee break, a little boy walked up to me and told me I was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 057

You deserved it 7 276

By straightlyconfused - 27/05/2012 13:20 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my car broke down and had to be towed to the dealership. Normally, this would be just unlucky but I work with kids and we had been fundraising for charity. I am now sitting at the dealership with my hair coloured purple, red and blue and in ridiculously high pigtails while people stare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 206

You deserved it 2 609

By heresmybellybotton - 18/07/2009 00:12 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a little girl down the street. She pulled out her 'memory box', which contained many childhood treasures. After pulling out a variety of dresses and baby pictures, she says, "... and here's my belly button!" and plops an umbilical chord in my hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 821

You deserved it 3 652

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Thursday 13 January 2011 12:02

that's because you're trying to sleep wrong. close your eyes when you sleep.

macskapingvin 0

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Thursday 13 January 2011 12:12

1. Kill everyone from maintenance. 2. Skin them and sew them into a warm blanket. Problem solved.

Comments

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Thursday 13 January 2011 12:01

lol

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Thursday 13 January 2011 12:03

ell oh ell! why is that always the only thing the first commenter can come up with to say?

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Thursday 13 January 2011 12:02

That is some great service...

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Thursday 13 January 2011 12:52

OP in my eyes you're very lucky! I cannot sleep unless I am in below freezing. I have a really hot core I guess

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Thursday 13 January 2011 15:09

lol I'm kinda the same I sleep with my window open (it's winter in Canada) and that's almost only way I can sleep

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Friday 14 January 2011 7:43

ydi for busting the windows

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Saturday 1 June 2013 12:32

I used to work in maintenance for a college. sometimes shipments don't arrive on time or things break quicker than expected. So they run out of parts. its just like a store running out of stock.

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Thursday 13 January 2011 12:02

that's because you're trying to sleep wrong. close your eyes when you sleep.

Neylin 7

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Thursday 13 January 2011 12:07

^ This.

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Thursday 13 January 2011 12:25

I was thinking the same thing

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Thursday 13 January 2011 12:38

true dat

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Thursday 13 January 2011 13:38

I have taught myself to sleep with my eyes open, that way I can see when the Boogie Man is trying to kidnap me and take me to the dark lord of...Narnia. That way I can defend myself and look really creepy at the same time! Life is slowly returning to normal...after the last time.

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Thursday 13 January 2011 14:36

i been seeing this a few times but wtf does "this^" mean, seriously got nothin better to say?

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Thursday 13 January 2011 14:52

^this

hail_this_villai 0

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Thursday 13 January 2011 15:05

^that

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Thursday 13 January 2011 15:18

^those

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Thursday 13 January 2011 15:25

^ these

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Thursday 13 January 2011 15:27

"^this" I'm not sure if you CAN google that :O

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Thursday 13 January 2011 15:30

^ urbandictionary.com is your friend

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Thursday 13 January 2011 15:56

Wow fisheatsbear, I haven't seen your comments in a looong time.(:

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Thursday 13 January 2011 18:49

^ these people need to get a life.

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Thursday 13 January 2011 19:36

^ Or maybe you do, as your comment took longer to type than most of those.

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Thursday 13 January 2011 21:30

Combo breaker :(

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Thursday 13 January 2011 12:03

Hi. :)

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Thursday 13 January 2011 14:42

Aye.

probablytrouble 0

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Thursday 13 January 2011 17:01

hey-

probablytrouble 0

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Thursday 13 January 2011 17:12

Today, another whiney college kid called up because he broke his window when he was drunk and is now cold. I told him I couldn't do it today, since I have 12 other windows to fix. FML

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Thursday 13 January 2011 17:39

how's that a FML ? the one freezing his ass is him not you...., joke failzzzzzz!!

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Thursday 13 January 2011 18:43

:O Nice hat!

MacdaddyMaddy 0

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Thursday 13 January 2011 12:03

get a sunggie and a parka, you'll survive.

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Thursday 13 January 2011 20:38

Wow, they make sunggies now?!

MacdaddyMaddy 0

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Saturday 15 January 2011 1:32

Typo.

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Thursday 13 January 2011 12:04

you sleep with the lights on? fail!

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Thursday 13 January 2011 13:51

just like your dads condom!

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Thursday 13 January 2011 15:53

Haha, actually made me laugh #36.

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Friday 14 January 2011 11:39

ya and just like your moms emergency contraceptive..

surferchick96 0

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Thursday 13 January 2011 12:07

Hm. I see the problem; when you sleep, close your eyes for best results

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Thursday 13 January 2011 12:09

put ur quit/doona/ whatever over ur head, it rlly helps with the cold and warms ur breath

underguarded 20

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Thursday 13 January 2011 12:10

Time to bunk with someone else!

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Thursday 13 January 2011 13:52

This will probably be the day you get robbed, if you do this.

macskapingvin 0

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Thursday 13 January 2011 12:12

1. Kill everyone from maintenance. 2. Skin them and sew them into a warm blanket. Problem solved.

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Thursday 13 January 2011 13:16

that's actually a very good idea

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Thursday 13 January 2011 13:40

Or steal a blanket...less jail time, granted it's not as fun, but it does the job

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22

You deserved it 16

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 137

You deserved it 28

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 937

You deserved it 70