By LexMarie12

Help, I'm stranded!

Today, at work, it was so windy that it started taking the door off its hinges. The door now won't close all the way. I can't leave until someone comes to fix it. FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

And today, on Dr Phil…

Dementia or hate? You decide

By Evjoel - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, whilst making a cake for my kids, I accidentally got some cocoa powder in my nose. Now it feels like my nose is burning stronger than the fires of hell. On the bright side, everything smells like chocolate. FML

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By dating a fucking idiot - United States

Today, my father bet me $200 that since my boyfriend is "such a stupid shit," he wouldn't be able to locate Paraguay on a map. I gladly accepted the bet. Not only did he not know where it is, he actually accused us of making the country up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eagle River

Today, four days after moving into my new house, I woke up to a guy yelling "Fuck you, Claire" followed by a brick smashing through my living room window. Now I know why Claire was so eager to finalize the sale. FML

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By embarrassed - United States - Great Neck

Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I got a boner when they sang the anthem, because that's what I sing in my head when having sex with his daughter so I last longer. FML

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By CC - United States - Southfield

Today, I was icing an injured foot with a frozen water bottle as the doctor directed me. When I was done, I picked the bottle up and immediately dropped it on the same injured foot, which is now swollen and bruised. FML

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By Aaron - United States

Today, I walked to my local McDonald's. I spent the last 7 dollars I had on my meal. As I began to walk back to my dorm, I was mugged. I explained to them I had no money, so they stole my food. FML

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By KMack - United States

Today, I went to the allergist. I found out that I am allergic to dogs, cats, wool, fleece, and pet dander. I'm currently planning to go to school to become a veterinarian. FML

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By Anonyme - France - Ivry-sur-seine

Today, a man in a hurry asked me for a light. Not being able to find my lighter amongst the muddle inside my handbag, I handed him my lit cigarette so he could light his. He took it from me, started smoking it and walked off. FML

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By hairy - United States

Today, I told my boss I was bored of being a cashier and would rather go to food prep. He told me I couldn't because my arms were too hairy. I'm a sixteen year old girl. FML

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By Aliiveopen - 24/8/2020 07:02 - United States - Wasilla

Demon drink

Today, my mom got blackout drunk and tried to fight me, my stepdad, and my brother, resulting in my stepdad leaving, my brother getting 2 holes from a metal shelf my mom tried to joust him with, and I got bit. FML

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By avaiia - United States - Chicago

Today, I had a first date. We really hit it off and wound up watching movies together and talking late into the night. I ignored a developing migraine all night, then tried to leave hurriedly when it got bad. He stalled me leaving by asking what's wrong. I started vomiting. FML

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By owwie - United States

Today, it snowed in South Carolina for the first time in 10 years. It snowed eight whole inches! I was so excited, I yelled for my kids and ran outside to build a snowman. I ran out to the steps and slipped on ice. I woke up in the hospital with a bad concussion. The snow had all melted. FML

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By musicgod123 - France

Today, I bought a $3000 HD camera. It never shipped to my house, so I was concerned. I then realized I had given the seller the address for a house in California. I live in Maine. FML

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By El Sayer - United States - Saint Paul

Hey, Big Spender!

Today, I put a lock on my account because of several unknown purchases for large amounts. Turns out it was my girlfriend, without asking. Who is now mad at me for blocking her parcels. FML

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By shit... - United States

Today, I sent out my monthly curriculum list to the parents of the kids in my math class so they can see what their children will be learning. I usually end my e-mails with the phrase 'math is power'. Now, 154 parents got an e-mail saying 'meth is power'. FML

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By Anna - United States

Today, it's my twenty first birthday. My biggest birthday surprise was discovering that I'm alcohol intolerant, by vomiting my first beer all over my boyfriend's mother. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was out eating lunch with my parents when my mom complained that I eat too quickly and don't thoroughly chew my food. My dad exclaimed, "That's because she swallows!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to one another. He then did a naked victory lap around his dad's house, blasting Akon's "I Just Had Sex" at full volume. He's legally an adult. FML

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By maisumepg

Today, it’s the third month of my diet. Every dream I’ve had since I started has been entirely about junk food. Every. Single. One. FML

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By Ella - United States

Today, I went on a 7-hour plane flight. For 3 hours I had a bloody nose. When it finally stopped, I sneezed. It started to bleed again. FML

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By That1FamousWRX - 7/2/2021 05:01 - United States

Whatcha doin' up there?

Today, I went to pull a nose hair out, only to end up pulling a spider out by its legs. FML

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By amy - United States

Douchebag Alert!

Today, my brother bragged about the number of break-up texts he sent this week while driving. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he was dating 3 girls, that he broke up with them over text, that he was texting and driving, or that he's proud of his actions. FML

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By abby181 - United States

Today, my six year old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside." FML

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By J. Homen - United States

Today, the girl I thought I was dating got into a fight with me over the phone. She did this because she bet her boyfriend that she could make me cry on FaceTime. She won the bet. FML

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By RaceCar - United States

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday and my mom promised me she'd buy me a car. She came home with a toy lego car. FML

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By CD - United States

Today, my mom explained the benefits of douching to me with my boyfriend right there. He began arguing with her about how the vagina is usually self-cleaning. FML

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By wishbone - Canada

Today, a cute boy told me I looked like a celebrity. Flattered, I asked who I resembled. He responded by saying that I looked exactly like Ugly Betty. He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Montgomery

Today, I accidentally walked in on my sister shaving, naked. I don't know what's worse, the fact I've now seen her nude, or that she looks ten times better than any girl I've ever slept with. FML

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By theflasher - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, a woman who works in the clinic across the road told me that my glass isn't frosted enough and she and all her patients can see me when I shower. FML

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By internetadvice - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out that she wasn't really in love with me. She got that advice from an internet survey. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Shreveport

Today, I was in a public bathroom with the runs when I noticed my stall didn't have any toilet paper. I was the only one in the bathroom, and I thought I could make it to the stall next to me and grab some with my pants down. I wasn't actually the only one in there. FML

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By quit fucking up my life - United States - Kenai

Today, my dad met my boyfriend for the first time. He soon "casually" took a huge knife from the kitchen drawer and told my boyfriend that he's always wondered what it'd be like to stab someone. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2020 20:01

No-life

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to spend alone time playing FIFA instead of having a relationship. If I ever find the CEO of EA Sports, I’m throwing hands. FML

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By anonymus - Canada - Toronto

Today, my grandmother was driving me to the mall. Suddenly, she stopped in the middle of the road. When I asked her what exactly she was doing, she said, "Oh, am I driving?" FML

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By I'maboutobarf - Australia

Today, my mum got a new blender. Dinner was roast beef, broccoli, cauliflower, pumpkin, potatoes and water. In a cup. FML

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By Christian - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. We are on a cruise together. She has already found another room to sleep in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after speeding home due to an overflowing bladder, I ran to the bathroom, forgetting that the toilet seat was broken. While doing my business, the toilet seat and I both slid off the bowl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to wait an hour in the awful rain for my mom to pick me up, because she didn't realize the clocks had gone forward already. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I met my wife's mistress, at the maternity ward in the hospital, after she gave birth to our second child. FML

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By LoveMeMother

Today, I realized my mom tells our dogs she loves them more than she says it to me. FML

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Top comments

By species4872 | 19

#7425327 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 18:21

You must be pretty gusty to stay there by yourself.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7425377 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 20:12

I assume you'll get paid for your time until you leave?

Sounds like a wind-wind situation for you.

COMMENTS

By species4872 | 19

#7425327 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 18:21

You must be pretty gusty to stay there by yourself.

By itssnotfunny | 24

#7425368 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 19:54

Oh man, this one really blew me away.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7425377 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 20:12

I assume you'll get paid for your time until you leave?

Sounds like a wind-wind situation for you.

By Cali | 54

#7426090 - Friday 17 March 2017 16:44

You guys are so easy-breezy with the puns here!