Cast the first stone

Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She's sending me to bible camp. FML

Today, I walked in on my grandma playing with herself. Every time I close my eyes, I see things that no mortal was ever meant to see. FML

Today, my grandmother walked in on me watching porn on my computer. She looked at the woman on the screen and said, "I used to have tits like that, but look what having 7 kids did to them." Now I'm scarred for life. FML

The other stage of grief

Today, I found out the girl I’ve been seeing for a few weeks is freaky. At her grandad's funeral, she got so upset she had to leave the room, only to drag me into the priest's office for a quick blowjob. Apparently, death turns her on. I had oral sex at a funeral. I’m going to Hell for sure. FML

Red handed

Today, while I was walking to the kitchen, I heard someone on the TV moaning. As I made my way down the stairs, I saw my grandfather quickly change the channel and lean forward. I'm 90% sure I caught my grandpa watching porn. FML

Today, my extremely religious grandmother disowned me for watching Supernatural. FML

The little known stages of grief

Today, for some reason my girlfriend wanted to have sex in the bathroom at a family funeral. I’m sure that’s a sin, I mean… we definitely did it, so sorry Nana, but now I feel all wrong about it and I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell one day. FML

Sex work is real work

Today, my grandmother decided to tell me about her past as a prostitute. In full detail. FML

Today, I was talking to my 81-year-old widowed grandmother on the phone, and she told me she was giving up sex for lent. Not only do I now have a vision of my grandma having sex, I am reminded that she is having more sex than me. FML

Today, while grieving over the loss of my Grandpa, I called my girlfriend for comfort. After I had cheered up, she said, "Don't worry, he went to Hell anyway." FML