By Anonymous - 14/6/2020 23:02

Bullshit reason

Today, my husband wants a divorce. His reason, so he claims, is that he went to see a card reader a few months ago and she told him our relationship would not last. Apparently, our astrological signs or something are not compatible, so he thinks we shouldn't waste our time. We have been married for 8 years. FML

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Dangling modifier

Lockdown is driving us down

Mr Sensitivity

By BrokeAF

Today, I eagerly applied for a high-salary, fully supportive graduate program that I qualified for. There were 5 steps in the application process. I was turned down after the first one. FML

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By ouch.... - United States - Duxbury

Today, my boyfriend broke a glass in the kitchen and accidentally stepped on it, cutting his foot. He asked me if I could help him clean his cut. Apparently, he's ticklish and I now have a huge bruise on my chest from where he kicked me. FML

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By thanks, my fellow americans - United States - Woodlyn

Today, I was again turned down by a potential host family on a student exchange site. Their reasoning was basically that since I'm American, I might do something to endanger my health, get hurt, and then sue them over my own stupidity. FML

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By a268 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home early from work and discovered my husband wearing a black babydoll nightdress, black stockings and high heels... He says it helps him to relax. FML

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By fernie vazquez - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to meet my girlfriend's parents at her sister's play. The moment I introduced myself, I realized that her father was my probation officer. FML

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By Jon - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I went to a club with some friends. I ordered two drinks from the waitress and gave her a fifty. She never returned with the change, and the rest of the staff claimed they didn't know who I was talking about. FML

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By trojan72

Today, marks a whole month that my boss has asked me to come in early to my part-time job, which makes me pretty happy to get the extra hours. I casually made a joke that she might as well make me full-time now. That made her change her mind, now I'm back down to 23 hours a week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to renew my driver's license at the DMV. Earlier, I was in a play and was still covered in stage makeup. I didn't realize that not all of it had come off until after my picture was taken and put on my new license. For the next three years, I'll be the guy with the dark eyeliner. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spent ages looking for a parking space at the mall. I saw a couple walking out of the mall and decided to follow them and take their space when they left. After following them for a good ten minutes, I realised they were heading to the bus stop. FML

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By stuckhome - United Kingdom

Today, my husband told me that he can't find his passport. We're supposed to be leaving for Prague in two days. He's known about the trip for months. It was the anniversary vacation that was going to help our frayed relationship. Now my money is going to a hotel in Prague, but I'm not. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2020 04:56 - United States - Marietta

Bye Herbie

Today, after hours of waiting and $300 spent, I find out my transmission is dying. My car is old, so the price of rebuilding it is more than it's worth. That's money well spent. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to lie to my female roommate about what happened last night. She was drunk and spent half the night cuddling with me and trying to get me to kiss her. I've loved this girl for two years, but I promised her I wouldn't let her cheat on her boyfriend with anyone. Even me. FML

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By FMJoblessL - United States

Today, I am jobless after graduation. Ironic, since when I started college with my education degree, I was congratulated, told of the teacher shortage in my state, and how quickly I would be able to find a job. Three years in, the economy tanks, and the state issues a teacher hiring freeze. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Greeley

Today, I enlisted in the military. My dad now finds it necessary to act like a drill sergeant. This includes yelling at me everywhere we go to prepare me for basic training. Training begins in four months. FML

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By Lolly

Today, I have a UTI that spread to my kidneys, a yeast infection, and a herpes outbreak. Oh, and my period came this morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2020 14:01

All kinds of wrong

Today, while at my friend's house, she had to leave the room for a few minutes. Her dad then put me in a headlock and told me that I had "better treat his daughter right if I ever wanted to walk again," because she's in love with me. Then he left. I'm a gay guy. FML

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By K.H - Sweden

Today, I was reading in my bed, and my cat was lying on my chest. I noticed something white on my cat's leg. I'm far-sighted and wasn't wearing my glasses, so I didn't see what it was. I touched it and put on my glasses. Turns out it was a worm hanging out of my cat's anus. It started wiggling. FML

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By Anathema_360 - Canada

Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit up with new texts. My friend sent out "Wanna test out my new bed?" as a mass text while I was asleep to every boy in my phone. Mark will be here in an hour, Jon wants to know what I'm wearing, and my ex's new girlfriend is not amused. FML

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By Snorlax - Australia - Sydney

Today, I uploaded a cute photo of my boyfriend and me on Facebook. Ten minutes later, his friend commented: "Dude! You're supposed to capture the Snorlax, not date it!" FML

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By emptypockets - 28/6/2020 17:00

Rich people problems

Today, after spending thousands of dollars on remodelling and painting our house, making it exactly how we wanted it, my husband's grandma passed away, leaving us her house. I’m debating on ripping everything out and taking it to the new house my hubby is so eager to move into now. FML

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By lala7 - United States

Today, my brother told the family that if you pull on the dog's back foot then she always obeys. I later found my mom tugging on the dog's foot whispering "jump off a cliff" repeatedly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atwater

Today, my slacker co-worker accused me of stealing because I got more hours than him. I was called into the manager's office and interrogated. They believed him, and sent me home for the day. I guess it pays off being the boss's kid. FML

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By Bucko321 - Canada

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. We were feeling a little naughty, so we started talking dirty. I was really into describing a sweaty sex scene, when I heard my dad cough. He had picked up the phone to make a call and had heard it all. FML

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By Notthemaid - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about how my fiancé has been ignoring me and that I didn't know why. Turns out, my mother told him that I was too much of a handful, was mentally disturbed and also cheating on him. Just so I wouldn't move out and would keep cleaning her house for free. FML

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By sleepy - United States - Grand Forks

Today, I was the DJ for a company party that was supposed to end at 11 p.m. The company ended up wanting music late and my boss made me stay there until they got tired, which ended up being 3 a.m. I start work at my other job at 7 a.m. FML

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By mlowy - Azerbaijan - Baku

Today, my computer crashed and lost all of its data while I was making a back up. FML

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By Anonymous - Argentina

Today, after getting a root canal, I told my mother how boring it was just sitting there with my mouth open for ages while the dentist did his work. She then told me how she had to do the same kind of thing on her anniversary night with my father. FML

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By got any coupons? - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of six years. She got mad at me, saying she is too young to get married and that I was trying to ruin her career. She is 32 and works part-time at a grocery store. FML

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By Tymer - Canada - Malahat

Today, while at school, a bra fell out of my coat. After the initial shock, people started congratulating me on finally getting a girlfriend. I didn't have the heart to tell them it was my mom's. FML

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By biker2012 - United States

Today, there was a parents bike race on the track at my high school for a fundraiser. My dad entered, and ended up winning. He did his victory dance with a massive erection showing through his spandex. Just about all of my friends, teachers, other parents, and the hot soccer team saw. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Kettering

Today, my roommate wants to kick me out because I can't afford to pay my share of the rent this month. I couldn't afford to, because I had to pay for repairs to my car after my roommate got drunk, stole my keys, and crashed it into a street light. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, I finally got my fussy newborn back to sleep after the creaking of my chair woke her. I then crept two rooms over and opened a pack of chips, the crinkle of which woke her again. FML

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By MarBlu - United States

Today, I came home from the army and explained to my family how tough it was there. Then, as I was walking away, I stubbed my toe on the couch, fell and cried. FML

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By jazojigga - United States

Today, I borrowed a van to move some of my furniture. I wasn't used to the brakes so when I stopped at a red light, I pretty much ended up in the cross walk. Suddenly I heard a loud thud at the side of the van. I turned to see what idiot would walk into a van. It was a blind man. FML

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By h4rdy - United States

Today, I was the 10th caller on a radio show. I answered the question correctly. The DJ informed I won a free air guitar of my choosing. I yelled with excitement over the air. The DJ then instructed me how to use my new air guitar. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that one of my subordinates, who is whiny, incompetent, undermining, the definition of passive-aggressive and stupid, was given a pay raise. She now makes more than me. My boss values a complete moron over me. FML

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By Vince - Canada

Today, I was cuddling up on the couch with my girlfriend, when my drunken mother walked in the room, slurred out, "Room for one more?" and leaped on top of us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wauseon

Today, a police officer stopped me and told me he got an anonymous tip that I was going to kill myself. I wasnt. Protocol says he had to bring me straight to a hospital where I explained that someone was messing with me. nobody listened. Now I have a hospital bill for $2,250. FML

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By owwthatfarts - United States - Worcester

Today, one of my preschool students hit me in the nuts in front of my whole class. If that wasn't bad enough, the blow to my crotch instantly triggered a very audible fart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to give his mother a box of chocolates and flowers for Mother's Day. She just stared at them and said, "What's this for? You're not my daughter, and never will be. But I'll keep the chocolate." FML

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Top comments

By Christina Winden | 19

#7913716 - Sunday 14 June 2020 23:31

Either your husband is incredibly stupid and superstitious, or there’s more to it than that and he’s using the card reader as a lame excuse.

By awildwhisper | 30

#7913724 - Monday 15 June 2020 0:21

Somehow I feel that he is using that as an excuse to hide something else. Tell him you saw a fortune teller as well and that you are happy and together in it, but that false prophets wish to see you fail and should be ignored.

COMMENTS

By Christina Winden | 19

#7913716 - Sunday 14 June 2020 23:31

Either your husband is incredibly stupid and superstitious, or there’s more to it than that and he’s using the card reader as a lame excuse.

Reply

Dr_Alex | 8

#7913734 - Monday 15 June 2020 1:52

1000%

By awildwhisper | 30

#7913724 - Monday 15 June 2020 0:21

Somehow I feel that he is using that as an excuse to hide something else. Tell him you saw a fortune teller as well and that you are happy and together in it, but that false prophets wish to see you fail and should be ignored.

By Brightside86 | 22

#7913728 - Monday 15 June 2020 0:47

That's rough, hopefully you figure it out.

By UberClassy | 6

#7913745 - Monday 15 June 2020 4:21

There probably wasn't any card reading to begin with .. he's got someone else is using the most cowardice way out! Good luck!

By Laura-Marie Catmom | 5

#7913825 - Monday 15 June 2020 13:51

So he is cheating and because your a decent person this is the best reason he can come up with.... good luck Op kick this idiot to the kerb.

By mskeptik | 10

#7913891 - Monday 15 June 2020 18:50

Seems like the card reader said the truth: if you are married to a moron, this relationship would not last. This card reader also made you a big favor: figuring out that easy your husband is a moron - priceless!

By Hangryko | 17

#7914148 - Tuesday 16 June 2020 19:56

I'm sorry, OP. It must hurt now but in the long run you're better off without that gullible and/or deceitful man.

By KingAdrock | 16

#7914291 - Wednesday 17 June 2020 9:26

Sounds like you're dodging a bullet.

By Davey Crocker | 6

#7914451 - Wednesday 17 June 2020 21:53

I agree with others. He decided to leave on his own. There's a reason.