By Anonymous - 7/6/2020 05:05

Baked

Today, I was supposed to have my first job interview for a bakery franchise. Turns out all the applications are submitted to every store, and I was called to the wrong one. FML

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Proactive

Vibe check

Thanks, government

By stuff - United States

Today, I was calling my cable company to tell me how to fix my internet. I stayed on hold for almost half an hour, and then when someone finally picked up, my phone died. FML

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By ven980 - United States

Today, I had to blow up an air mattress using only my lungs. After nearly passing out from lack of oxygen, I realized there was a hole in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my psycho-obsessed ex-girlfriend blabbed all about how she got a check in the mail for $1000 from CrimeStoppers on Facebook and Twitter. This explains how my current girlfriend and two of my friends all got arrested last week for having weed. FML

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By bnc - United States - Jefferson City

Today, a kid from my school called me, saying he's going on vacation to Japan soon and that since I was born there, I could teach him the language. His exact words at the start of the call were: "Hey man, you speak Asian, right?" I have to be around this shithead 5 days a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2020 23:02

No more bukkake for you

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room for severe facial rashes. My boyfriend and I then found out I'm allergic to seminal fluid. FML

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By - 23/1/2020 01:00

Favorite child

Today, I heard that my mom is coming back from France, where my brother lives. I have lived in the same place, exactly 45 minutes from my mother, for 6 years. She hasn't visited me once, but has been out of state to see my sibling. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I told a girl that she had very pretty eyes. I then had to rinse pepper spray from my own. FML

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By Laura - United States

Today, at school, I got seated in front of the resident creepy kid that everyone stayed away from. I was pretty relieved to get through most of the class with no incidents, until the bell rang and he tore out a chunk of my hair, yelling "DNA! DNA!" FML

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By I write sins not other people's essays - United States - King George

Today, my mom woke me up in the middle of the night to make me help my brother write an essay. I read what he wrote so far, gave him my suggestions, and went back to bed. She woke me up 30 mins later because he just sat and stared at his paper instead of fixing anything. Somehow that's my fault. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Crossville

Today, while working the drive-thru at work, an older woman asked for my phone number to give to her single son. After I politely declined, she called me a slut and threw her food at me through the window before promptly speeding off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, they are pumping out the septic system in the building next door. I am three months pregnant, suffering from morning sickness, and can smell everything within a three-mile radius. FML

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By Doggy... - Australia

Today, my neighbours watched and laughed as I chased my dog around the lawn, trying to rescue the only clean pair of underwear I had in my house. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, after taking a guy home and getting frisky, he woke up in the middle of the night, got out of bed, and peed on my desk. That's 2 years of uni work and my laptop soaked through. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years confessed that at first, she'd only dated me to get her friend jealous, and that even now, she "only kind of liked" me. I bought a ring only a few days ago, and was planning on proposing to her. FML

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By todaddy - United Kingdom

Today, my 5-year-old son woke up early and ran into my bedroom to wake me up. Unfortunately, he did this by jumping onto my bed, slamming his knee into my balls in the process. I had to explain my tears of agony away by claiming I was just so happy to see him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I spent a lot of money buying a birthday gift for a close friend, only to find out I'm not even invited to the party. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Crawley

Today, my brother decided to help me artificially age some of my artwork by singeing the edges slightly. Apparently "my brother set fire to my homework" isn't a valid excuse. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with the worst stomach cramps ever. My boyfriend came, looked at me writhing in pain, and said, "Well at least if it's a tapeworm you'll get skinnier." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-wife crashed my engagement party. FML

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By JR. - 8/8/2020 20:02

Leaking all over the place

Today, my nearly ex-husband called in a panic so I could come rescue the dogs because he'd called 911 due to a gas leak at the house. I came over, after which the fire department and gas company inspected, and they found the issue. The dog. The dog farted so bad it smelled like rotten eggs and was mistaken for a gas leak. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Exeter

Today, my mom was "that" customer at the local drive-thru. She slipped into attention whore mode and bitched the guy out for not giving us extra fries. He said she didn't ask for any, which was true. Instead of apologizing, she swore at him and floored the gas, sending our drinks spilling all over me. FML

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13894

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Broke as hell - 7/4/2020 23:00

Hangry

Today, after being robbed last week, I had no money to go to the store for food. Instead, my dinner consisted of two Tums chewables in tropical fruit flavors. After not eating all day, I thought they actually tasted pretty good. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after a lifelong struggle with suicidal depression and heroin abuse, I've been clean for six months. This is the healthiest I've been in ages, and naturally, I've gained weight. My whole family constantly talks about how I’ve let myself go, and how I should go back on heroin to be thin. FML

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By vikingunicorn - Canada

Today, I was feeling very ill after a severe anxiety attack. I asked my boyfriend to hold my hand until I fell asleep. He said he couldn't because he needed both hands to play on his gameboy. FML

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By why - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was tanning nude in my backyard, when I took a picture of our dog lying in the grass and sent it to my dad. It was only after I looked at the picture indoors that I realized my nipple had made it into the picture too. FML

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By tbanana95 - United States

Today, I got my crush's phone number. I started texting him and once I told him who it was, he stopped replying. FML

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By wouaf - France - Voiron

Today, I was out shopping with my little sister. I wanted to try something on, so I put my bag in front of a changing room and jokingly told her to bark if someone came near. She ended up biting a lady who was trying to get into one of the changing rooms. FML

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By mzgabbster - United States

Today, I was having the most wonderful bath. The water was steaming, the bubbles were bubbly, and I was reading a really good book. I put my book down to yawn and looked to my right. My gaze was met by the lovely face of my brother's pet tarantula. FML

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By Vampprobs - United States - Skandia

Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML

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42026

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By Harry - United States - Seattle

Today, I was walking in the street, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in a hospital. According to witnesses, a guy came up and hit me over the head with a baseball bat. Apparently that's a thing that happens now. But it's okay, he had an excuse: he said he was drunk. FML

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52347

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By christiner - France

Today, I was at work and was confronted by a customer wanting to get a "Nemo" fish. I explained that 'Nemo' needs to live in saltwater, not freshwater, like their tank was. The customer then turns around and grabs a perforated tank divider and says, "Can't I just split them up with this?" FML

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By Cuzles - United States

Today, I locked the door to our only bathroom so my two year old wouldn't get in and make a mess. I crapped my pants while trying to unlock it with the key that rests on the frame. FML

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18536

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I had a theatre performance. I had to put on a lot of makeup for the role, and one of the guys said I looked nice. I smiled and said thanks. Seconds later, I'd been sucker-punched by his girlfriend for "flirting" with her man. FML

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By phukt - United States

Today, after racing home with a jumbo package of toilet paper, I ran into my house to go to the bathroom. I then realized I'd left the toilet paper in the car. FML

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20113

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By Greg - 29/8/2020 05:01

Lovely Rita

Today, I went to lunch with a friend in her car. I told her to park in a lot that had signs warning that we'd be towed, saying, "They never tow anyone from here. In fact, if you get towed, I'll pay for it." When we returned, her car was gone. I had to pay $145 in cash to get it back. FML

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410

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By ScreweD- - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a writing assignment back. After meeting with my professor specially after class and meticulously combing through every word of that paper, I got a low D. Turns out, he graded me down on every suggestion of his that I took. FML

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By paperbagofdoom - United States

Today, while working at a certain California theme park in full costume, I was approached by a kid in line, who looked at me and exclaimed, "Hey look, its Indiana Jones!" which felt pretty amazing. His sister, who was maybe seven years old, glanced over at me and said, "No, he's way too fat." FML

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By fuckedbyahipster - Finland

Today, I was lectured by a self-professed vegan over my "barbaric" eating habits, in between her scarfing down a tuna fish sandwich. FML

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By semischweet - United Kingdom - London

Today, I learned why you should never to use Sean Connery's voice when asking your girlfriend to sit on your face. FML

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689

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By - 15/2/2020 01:00

Too stupid

Today, I was picking my nose so aggressively that I flicked a booger right into my eye. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7911901 - Sunday 7 June 2020 6:02

You donut want to work at a crumby location? Were you bread not make dough? Is that how you roll? Are you so upper crust that you should roll in a bed of flours?

I love bakery puns -- they're as easy as pie! A piece of cake!

By evilevilmonkey | 4

#7912022 - Sunday 7 June 2020 20:07

This is the best comment I've ever seen on FML

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7911901 - Sunday 7 June 2020 6:02

evilevilmonkey | 4

#7912022 - Sunday 7 June 2020 20:07

This is the best comment I've ever seen on FML