Today, I realized the only reason why my boyfriend spends the night with me is because my house is closer to his job than his, and so he saves money on gas. FML
Today, at 17 years-old, I discovered how embarrassing it is to have your kid scream on a flight and how hard it is to calm them down. FML
Today, my brother found out that getting pulled over is technically getting arrested. Almost on cue, we got pulled over because my dad doesn't realize that "stop at a Stop sign" doesn't mean "slow down to a crawl, then go." My brother then started yelling, "WE'RE BEING ARRESTED!" At least the cop thought it was funny. FML
Today, my wife put petrol in my diesel car and ruined the engine, I got a bit upset, but I wasn’t screaming or yelling or anything, but she flew completely off the handle at me at how I was putting all the blame on her and it wasn’t fair. I ended up apologising to her for her mistake. FML
Today, I drove through a drive-through car wash. The steering wheel turned left on it own. I was pretty sure the railing guided the car but my stupid ass turned the wheel to the other side and popped the car off the rails. It crashed into one of the machines and now I have a huge dent to the front of the car. FML
Today, an attractive woman on a bus told my girlfriend I was good looking and that she was a lucky woman. She immediately took me home, shagged me vigorously, cried, and then broke up with me because, “It’s not you, it’s me.” FML
Today, I tried to walk past chuds fighting in the street so I could catch my bus, except that when the police were rounding everyone up, I was mistakenly collared as well. To make it worse, some of the chuds claimed I threw the first punch. I just wanted to catch my bus. FML
Today, at 4:30 a.m., I hit a deer on the freeway on my way to work. I've only had this car for 6 months and it's totaled. I had to wait hours for a tow. On his way to pick me up, my husband's radiator blew and his serpentine belt shredded. I also missed a day of work. FML
Today, I was pulled over and administered a sobriety test due to an officer's suspicion that I was driving under the influence. I was completely sober, and, apparently, I suck at driving. FML
Today, my car was broken in for a second time in a month and a half, and for the second time it's now Inoperable. I only got it returned from repairs two days ago. FML
Today, I left my car in a disreputable area. After picking it up later on, I heard a strange "clonking" sound. The clonking suddenly stopped when my wheel fell off; someone had stolen my wheel nuts. FML
Today, my coworker and I were waiting outside the bar to pick up my dad. When he got in the car, my VERY drunk dad, instead of greeting us, looked my coworker dead in the eye and asked, “Are you fucking my daughter?” FML
Today, I was on a bus with a whole bunch of athletes at a ski competition. I had to go to the bathroom, so I walked to the back and I let the floodgates open up. When I came out, everyone who was at the back of the bus near the bathroom had moved to the front because the smell was so putrid. Everyone was staring at me. FML
Today, I was on the deck of a sailboat and I started feeling seasick. I bent over the edge to throw up. After I stood back up, the wind changed direction and the boom swung around, knocking me into the open ocean. FML
Today, my team and I were given the options to travel together by company bus, or self-drive to a company outing. We all chose to self-drive. Our boss got extremely mad and said we had no team spirit. FML
Today, I walked to my car to find a window smashed in. Lucky for me, nothing was stolen. It did, however, rain all morning. FML
Today, I was fixing something in the back of my truck when a shopping cart sped past me towards traffic. I jumped down to catch it, but it was too late. Luckily, it didn't hit anyone, but a woman and her husband stopped to tell me what an asshole I was. Sorry for trying to save your car from someone else's cart. FML
Today, whilst holding a hand rail on a packed bus, I was rubbing my hand along, and playing with, what I thought was a join in the metal. It was an old woman's finger. FML
Today, I was taking the subway home when some entitled fuck called me a "junkie", all because I'm long-haired and have my arms covered in tattoos. FML
Today, I saw a bird almost get run over in the middle of the road, so I stopped the traffic to go rescue it. It was an Adidas slide. FML
Today, I drove into a cluster of dustbins thanks to my dozy cat who'd managed to get into my car, fall asleep, and wake up while I was driving to work. I lost control when I was startled by him staring at me in the rear-view mirror. FML
Today, I woke up and got ready for class. I let the dogs outside while I got ready, then brought them back in. As I was putting my shoes on, I felt something warm and mushy. One of my dogs had pooped in my shoe right as I was leaving. I missed the city bus and was late. FML
Today, I was in a very crowded train coming home from work. I saw a cute guy sitting across from me. As I lifted my one leg to hook it over my other leg, I let out a loud fart. All I could do was sit there and wait for my stop. FML
Today, I got hit by a car while riding my bike. Instead of coming to my aid, the driver just laid on his horn and screamed out the window for me to move my ass, because he had places to be. FML
Today, I threw up while on a road trip. My boyfriend asked what made me sick, but I didn't want to tell him that his belching the entire time smelled so goddamn bad it made me physically sick. FML
Today, someone stole the catalytic converter off my SUV, as well as multiple tires stacked next to it. FML
Today, I finally got my new car delivered to my home. After clicking some pics, I was walking around it, just admiring it, and tripped. Both sets of keys fell down the storm water drain. It rained heavily last night and this morning, so the water inside is still flowing. FML
Today, someone nearly hit me with their car, so I flipped them the finger. They turned back around and tried to run me over. FML
Today, I walked out of my apartment to see that someone had climbed onto the hood of my car and taken a shit on my windshield. I only moved in a couple of weeks ago. FML
Today, while walking to my flat, I spotted something white hanging over the handle bar of my parked bike. It was a very used diaper. FML
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