All the FMLs

Yummy

By EwwwwYuck - 03/08/2020 02:02

Today, I set my parrot in the bathroom while I cleaned his cage, thinking he would be safe there. He was in fact safe, but not so the used maxi pad he chewed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 087

You deserved it 360

Gross, dude

By smells like ass - 02/08/2020 23:03

Today, my boyfriend has only showered about three times since we’ve been on lockdown. Our whole place smells like a sewer main burst in a pro-sports locker room filled with sweaty nut sacks and dead feet. His excuse? "It’s not like we have anywhere to go babe." I can’t even eat around him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 910

You deserved it 398

What goes around…

By Anonymous - 02/08/2020 20:01

Today, my wife demanded that I cut all ties with my best friend, just because she doesn't like the jokes he tells. Now she's bitching that she's upset because his wife, who she works with, is talking about her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 541

You deserved it 349

Shocking

By Anonymous - 02/08/2020 17:01

Today, I tried to hang up a light and, in my clumsiness, got shocked. My dad started screaming at me for yelling out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 282

You deserved it 240

Walking Dead

By Anonymous - 02/08/2020 14:01

Today, my doctor informed me I was a fascinating patient. Why? I have "more health issues than a patient my age should." I'm 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 499

You deserved it 165

Crushed

By Danielle - 02/08/2020 08:08

Today, I was disassembling a tent after a week of camping when I felt a crunch under my bare foot. I lifted up the tarp I was standing on to find a now squashed mouse. Mice are my favorite animals, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go camping again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 367

You deserved it 536

QUIET PLEASE

By Anonymous - 02/08/2020 05:01

Today, where I live in Germany, you're supposed to be quiet between noon and 3 p.m., so people have a chance to take a nap or just eat lunch in peace, but 3 of my 4 neighbors seem to consider this the ideal time for any project that involves lawn-mowers and power tools. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 552

You deserved it 240

Zoom this, bitches!

By badmom - 02/08/2020 02:02

Today, my younger son was doing a Zoom meeting for his upcoming school orientation. I tried to hold it in, but I stepped away for a moment to run to the restroom. My older son thought it’d be a hilarious "prank" to moon the camera. School hasn’t even started and we're already the "problem family". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 479

You deserved it 285

Drained

By Anonymous - 01/08/2020 23:01

Today, after following the directions and drinking a gallon of what can only be described as an industrial strength laxative for a scheduled colonoscopy. I shit my brains out for nearly 12 hours. The hospital then called and canceled my procedure an hour before my arrival time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 162

You deserved it 112

Bad news

By Anonymous - 01/08/2020 20:01

Today, I knew it was going to be a fun day when I woke up to find that my kids' new puppy had died in the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 910

You deserved it 136

Leave me alone

By Anonymous - 01/08/2020 17:00

Today, my idea of partying is vacuuming the house. Because that’s the only time when I have a legitimate excuse to wear headphones, listen to music and not be available for my grandma to call out to me because she wants something or other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 414

You deserved it 162

I've been… held up

By Anonymous - 01/08/2020 14:00

Today, I was finally able to see my gran for the first time since lockdown. She told me off for not visiting sooner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 364

You deserved it 164

Jealousy

By princess_stabitty - 01/08/2020 08:01

Today, my boss's husband came over to our office, and as a by the way comment told our boss my make-up looks good and suits me. The thing is, I've never worn make-up to work, and obviously, he never told his wife, my boss, that she looks good with make-up on. I'm fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 627

You deserved it 206

Banished

By NicoleNoone - 01/08/2020 05:01

Today, my older sister told me about their table plan at their wedding. She is one of my best friends too, so I was shocked that I had been placed far away, and separated from my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 661

You deserved it 159

In my day…

By thanks dad - 01/08/2020 02:02

Today, we were slowly introducing my daughter to the pool to help her get over her terrible fear of water. My father-in-law scoffed, called us pussies, and tossed my daughter straight into the water. When I threw him out, he insisted he was just trying to teach her to swim "the right way." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 247

You deserved it 289

Emergency cooking

By YoshiSqu4d - 31/07/2020 20:01

Today, I managed to set off the smoke detectors while cooking burgers. The cops and fire department showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 153

You deserved it 372

Death at one's elbow

By Anonymous - 31/07/2020 17:00

Today, I found out that for the past 6 months I have been sleeping next to a dead body. The cremated body of my landlord's father. It was hidden inside a wardrobe that I was not supposed to use. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 619

You deserved it 281

Noise

By wide awake - 31/07/2020 14:01

Today, I'm spending the night at my family’s house. I have to share a room with my two kids and their mother. The three of them snore like warthogs in a zoo. Desperate for sleep, I went to go sleep on the couch. The dog sleeping on the rug snores like an old truck. I’m never going to get any sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 410

You deserved it 233

Animal Farm

By Jaden Dubin - 31/07/2020 08:02

Today, I found a mouse stuck in a glue trap at work. I had to take it home to get it off with oil, and then I released it outside. Twenty minutes later, the cat returned it to me, dead. After that, the dogs dug it up where I buried it. Sorry, mouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 371

You deserved it 454

Technologically challenged

By Anonymous - 31/07/2020 05:01

Today, my aged mother continued to complain about her computer issues to me. A relative, who is good at tech support, won't bother servicing her computer because whatever she does ends up bogging it down the next day, so I have to hear about it on the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 196

You deserved it 176

Ouch

By Anonymous - 31/07/2020 02:03

Today, while brushing my teeth half asleep, I stabbed myself in the eye with my toothbrush, toothpaste included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 118

You deserved it 572

The Dark Knight

By Boyufd - 30/07/2020 23:01

Today, I noticed my acne scars are almost forming the Batman symbol. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 255

You deserved it 159

Toxic parents

By Anonymous - 30/07/2020 20:01

Today, my mom caught me vaping weed oil and tried to ground me. I’m 33 years old, with my own wife and kids, weed is legal in this state with a medical card, and I use it to treat the seizures I’ve had since mom belted me around the head as a kid, giving me brain damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 135

You deserved it 256

Workaholic

By Anonymous - 30/07/2020 17:01

Today, after finally finding the one after so many heartbreaks, he’s leaving me because things are actually too good. He says having me around distracts him too much from work, and spends too much time with me instead of working weekends on top of working all week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 015

You deserved it 170

Thanks, I hate it

By Matt L. - 30/07/2020 14:02

Today, my car insurance called about "the car I hit" on Monday night. Monday, I'd gone to the girl I’ve been seeing for a month's house for chicken parm and to meet her parents. I parked on the street. Her dad ran into the back of my car, leaving a dent. I never got the chicken parm either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 792

You deserved it 145

Scoville scale

By firefire - 30/07/2020 08:01

Today, since my husband has been volunteering to do more of the cooking, I was happy and relieved to have help, until every meal he made had an ungodly amount of spices in it. I overheard him on the phone, saying he’s been purposely making my food inedibly hot so that I’ll eat less and lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 001

You deserved it 311

What's next?

By My Body Hates me - 30/07/2020 05:01

Today, I was diagnosed with a severe bladder infection that has left me in excruciating pain. A month ago, I had an ovarian cyst rupture. A few weeks before that, I badly sprained my elbow. Before that, I had the flu. I think my body is mutinying one organ system at a time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 658

You deserved it 162

Send message

By Tristan - 30/07/2020 02:01

Today, while messaging a possible new hire to set up an interview at my retail job, I meant to say, "Thank you for being flexible" - in regards to scheduling. Instead, it autocorrected to, "Thank you for being delicious." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 298

You deserved it 337

Crisis

By Anonymous - 29/07/2020 23:00

Today, I had a customer throw his purchase at me and demand a refund after I told him that, due to the national change shortage, I couldn't give him his 38 cents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 408

You deserved it 347

Empathy

By jess - 29/07/2020 20:02

Today, my friends were showing me infomercials and laughing at how clumsy and stupid the people were. I could relate to every single one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 176

You deserved it 279

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, I found out I was named after the woman my dad was having an affair on my mom with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 968

You deserved it 2 772

Today, my girlfriend and I made lists of what celebrities we're interested in. The first one she listed wasn't a celebrity - it was my brother. He's spending the weekend with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 914

You deserved it 4 083

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my man juice all over me. I'm 40 years-old, and haven’t had a wet dream since my early high school days. The worst part is that the only dream I remember involved going to the DMV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 971

You deserved it 248

Today, I decided to be extra nice to my girlfriend by washing all the dishes and folding all the clothes. She thought I was being "too nice" and hypothesized that I was cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 902

You deserved it 5 687

Today, I woke up after only 2 hours of sleep because I just got off night duty in the hospital and I'm adjusting to a normal sleep cycle. When I got to work it was so hectic, I was just running on willpower. When I thought life couldn't get any worse, on my way home my tire blew in the middle of the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 105

Today, I was playing my favorite online game when I had to use the bathroom. While I was away for five minutes, my little sister went on my laptop, typed the “N-word” in chat, and got me banned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 965

You deserved it 467