By PaulaP - 9/7/2021 07:59

Suspicious Minds

Today, my husband wants to go on a trip to Tulum with his friend. I suggested I go as well, but he refused because it’s a "friends trip." He assures me that he "won’t sleep in the same bed with her or anything." I had to explain why it was still inappropriate. He still doesn’t get it. FML
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By  Nazmazh  |  6

Here's the thing - Either you trust your husband or you don't.

Clearly, it's leaning towards the "you don't trust your husband" side of things (and from the, admittedly scant, details you've given us here, I can't exactly fault you on that. I can't give a ringing endorsement of your side either, again, because there's not a ton of details - But if it's just the two of them it certainly sounds more like a "romantic" getaway than anything else).

But, I digress - If you trusted your husband, him taking a trip with a friend of any gender shouldn't be an issue [assuming you also know this friend to a certain degree, or at least know of this friend beyond a passing mention here and there].

But... That's not the case here, obviously.

So, that leads to the next, obvious question:
If you're so concerned that your husband is such a dirtbag that he's just *itching* to run out and cheat on you with this friend of his - Why in the everloving f*ck is he still your husband?

Like... Be done with him, and go find yourself a relationship where you actually, truly trust each other and aren't concerned that your spouse is going to cheat because he's going to leave the house with someone of the opposite gender for an extended period of time.

Life is too short to be in such an unhappy relationship, y'know?

COMMENTS
By  Nazmazh  |  6

Here's the thing - Either you trust your husband or you don't.

Clearly, it's leaning towards the "you don't trust your husband" side of things (and from the, admittedly scant, details you've given us here, I can't exactly fault you on that. I can't give a ringing endorsement of your side either, again, because there's not a ton of details - But if it's just the two of them it certainly sounds more like a "romantic" getaway than anything else).

But, I digress - If you trusted your husband, him taking a trip with a friend of any gender shouldn't be an issue [assuming you also know this friend to a certain degree, or at least know of this friend beyond a passing mention here and there].

But... That's not the case here, obviously.

So, that leads to the next, obvious question:
If you're so concerned that your husband is such a dirtbag that he's just *itching* to run out and cheat on you with this friend of his - Why in the everloving f*ck is he still your husband?

Like... Be done with him, and go find yourself a relationship where you actually, truly trust each other and aren't concerned that your spouse is going to cheat because he's going to leave the house with someone of the opposite gender for an extended period of time.

Life is too short to be in such an unhappy relationship, y'know?

Reply
  Plop  |  13

You talk about her having to trust her partner, but at no point you talk about the partner visibly doing nothing to assuage OP's doubts. A partner's job is as much to trust as it is to not be too demanding of the other partner's trust.
As I wrote in a post a bit higher: do you think OP's partner would be totes chill if she went on a trip alone with a hot male friend of hers?

Reply
  Hempseed  |  25

And what if it turned out OP's partner was actually chill with the idea of OP going on a trip with one of her male friends? What then?

This is a loaded question in which you're banking on the answer being "No" when it very well could be "Yes".

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  Nazmazh  |  6

Then it means her expectations are clearly out of line with his and they need to have some serious conversations about that.

That doesn't change that for her, the relationship is an unhappy one and she needs to do something to change it - The first thing to do in that case is to evaluate whether or not this is a relationship that she legitimately believes is worth staying in, regardless of who's "technically in the right or wrong". Nobody's obligated to stay in a relationship, and you can end one at any time, for any reason, even if the reason is "bad".

I mean, either way, you'd want to work at the core issue to make sure that whatever relationship [this one or the next one] you're in is strong enough that your partner going off on a [Legitimate - Let's not be so naive as to assume a partner is impossible of ever being a cheat] trip with a friend doesn't cause issues. Whether it's picking a partner whose values are more in-line with yours, one who truly uplifts and reaffirms you so that you aren't doubting his fidelity if he takes a trip, etc., or working on your own self-esteem so that insecurity is less of an issue (if indeed, that is a major, driving issue here).

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  Nazmazh  |  6

Oh, absolutely - From the details here, it sure doesn't sound like her husband is making a case for things being totally innocent and that he'd be totally happy with her taking a similar trip with a male friend.

But in either case - The solution is the same. Their expectations are apparently very not aligned.

Either OP is being irrational here and her husband is just legitimately just going on a totally innocent friends'-trip with a good friend who happens to be a lady, and OP has some insecurity issues that her husband is completely failing to to address - And that is an issue that her husband really does need to work through with her, then. And he's utterly dropping the ball, especially by just blowing off her concerns with regards to this trip.

OR

OP's intuition is dead-on and has a lying, cheating asshole for a husband. Any attempt to salvage this relationship is abjectly just going to be frustrating and aggravating for anyone involved.


So the question comes back to "What makes this relationship worth saving?" in either case. Either the husband is an outright asshole, or they're incredibly far apart on a major compatibility issue, to the point where it's affecting a major part of their relationship stability.

In the former case, I'd recommend just blowing the whole thing up as fast as possible (I'm sure most would agree). In the latter, it'd take quite a lot to convince me it's worth saving, y'know? Like, yeah, relationships take work - But there's something to be said for knowing when to fold 'em and find something better.

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  jriley4u  |  17

You can trust your man but still not be okay with the situation.
OP. Refuse to let people make you feel some type of way because you aren’t stupid enough to be okay with your man going off on a trip with another female. It has nothing to do with trust. It has everything to do with respecting your feelings and heart. Your man shouldn’t be okay with leaving you feeling that way.

By  Yummi_913  |  15

Oh he gets it. He just thinks that if he pretends like he doesn't it'll convince you that there's "no way" doing anything inappropriate could possibly on his mind. The whole feign ignorance and pretend innocence is a whole tactic and he knows exactly what he's doing. That he is comfortable manipulating you in something this big (a whole vacation with his girlfriend and pretending not to grasp clearly inappropriate behavior) means he's gotten away with it quite a lot already.

By  jriley4u  |  17

You can trust your man but still not be okay with the situation.
OP. Refuse to let people make you feel some type of way because you aren’t stupid enough to be okay with your man going off on a trip with another female. It has nothing to do with trust. It has everything to do with respecting your feelings and heart. Your man shouldn’t be okay with leaving you feeling that way.