Today, I was about to admit and open up to my good friend about the guy I like, who she's known longer than I have, until I heard her say something to another friend about him: "Stop pestering my sister's boyfriend!" FML
Today, my dad's new wife, who is two years younger than me (I'm 24) and hates that I'm a lesbian, threw a fit when I told her that I would never call her Mom. My dad took her side. I don't live with them but still… FML
Today, I bought my cats two new litter boxes in hopes that they would use them. They still prefer to pee on the clothes in my closet. FML
Today, I was walking around with a friend, who I assumed was beside me, but it turned out she'd left my side minutes ago and hadn’t heard my rambling that some random person had. FML
Today, my husband confessed to cheating but then tried to turn it around on me. Apparently, because I wasn’t regularly checking his phone, it must mean I don’t really care about him or I’d have caught him months ago. Sorry for trusting my husband I suppose, geez. FML
Today, I didn't know that my toxic mother went to my sister's house. I called her, and she said to my sister while on the call to me, "She's so loud and always disturbing me." I cut the call and stopped talking to her. She's mad now and my dad's scolding me for hurting her. FML
Today, after months of arguing with doctors and them trying to hand me off to mental health professionals, it turns out I indeed have a physical brain injury they missed. Scary, right? FML
Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge argument when I suggested we start sleeping in separate rooms. He thinks I don’t love him anymore, but that’s not the case. I’m madly in love with him, but he snores like a freight train and thrashes like a fucking Ninja Turtle all night. FML
Today, I just moved from New York and I started a new school with new people. Nobody wants to be my friend or talk to me because I’m Israeli and apparently I “participate in genocide and take Americans' tax money.” I've lived in America since I was 4 and haven’t done any of that, let alone go back to Israel. FML
Today, I'm no longer interested in praying with my family. That's a very uncomfortable thing for me. I still believe in God and prayer, but it’s uncomfortable when your family is very religious and half of them are ministers. I can’t tell anyone in my family this. FML
Today, I realized that I could strip down butt naked, slather myself in honey, and roll around in $100 bills, and still wouldn’t be able to get my husband’s attention. FML
Today, I was riding on the Moscow metro. My friend and I were joking around in English about taking a nap on the nerdy business man next to me. As we laughed and made comments about him, which we thought he couldn't understand, he asked, "First time in Moscow?" FML
Today, someone was making jokes and everyone started laughing, so I laughed. He then proceeded to look me dead in the eye and go, "What are you laughing at?" I started stuttering and mumbled back quietly, "I don't know, what are you laughing at?" He goes, "I'm not laughing" and then they all stared at me weird. FML
Today, I sent a porn link to my buddy. I received no response from him for hours so I went to text him again. "Brian" and "Boss" are right next to each other in my contacts list. Tomorrow I go into work to find out if I still have a job. FML
Today, I sit here struggling with such horrendous pain, which I've been dealing with now for the last six months or so, crying and contemplating whether I want to be around or not, as I'm so fed up with the pain. It's affecting me physically and mentally, I just don't know what to do anymore. FML
Today, my car was stolen. They found it and I wish they never had. Full coverage would have paid the car, but instead the repairs cost $1700. My deductible was $2000. It ended up costing me $2000. The people who fixed my ignition broke my remote start. I have to fight to get them to pay for that repair. FML
Today, as I went to kiss my date goodbye and drive home, he mistakenly rammed his thumb across my eye hard enough to push my contact back into my eye socket. FML
Today, while I was drunk, my brother decided to use pliers to pull out my bad tooth. He grabbed the wrong tooth, and when it didn’t pop out cleanly he decided he just needed to squeeze harder, and crushed the healthy tooth into splinters. I can feel the nerve with my tongue, it’s agony. FML
Today, I felt comfortable enough to finally call my stepmom "Mom." She politely asked me not to call her that. FML
Today, I have to get an ultrasound at the hospital. In order to get a clear picture, I need to have a full bladder. I've been waiting my turn for 2 hours now, desperately needing to pee. There are still multiple patients ahead of me. FML
Today, I've spent 14 years building a life with someone who cheated, lied, and made me feel like my pain was “unattractive.” I stayed loyal, worked two jobs, and gave everything while he gave nothing. Now I’m left healing from a love that was never real. FML
Today, I went to my local pub for a drink. There was a giant sign that read, “Welcome to Luke’s celebration of life.” My name is Luke. FML
Today, my darling first born 23 year-old son just called me, a single mum who works full time, disgusting because I’ve gained weight and been too busy to go to the gym. He’s living at home and not paying rent, despite working. FML
Today, my boyfriend of five days proposed to me at the mall. FML
Today, I got a Venmo request from a guy who I friendzoned when I announced my relationship with another guy on Instagram. He’s backcharging me for all the dinners, auto repair bills, etc., he apparently spent on me. It’s over $4000. I don’t have that kind of money and he’s threatening legal action if I don’t pay. FML
Today, my kids and husband brought me a bunch of ornamental cabbages for my birthday, rather than flowers. Why? Because, "you're more of a cabbage sort of person." Ah well, guess it's an improvement on last year when they forgot entirely. FML
Today, I had to do a Google Image search to prove to my 32-year-old husband that roadrunners are real animals, and not just made up for Looney Toons. FML
Today, I took my son fishing and we did quite well, catching enough for several nights worth of meals. Then, as we were packing up, the dumbass tipped the whole lot back into the sea because he somehow thought the freaking ocean was subject to catch and release. Four hours wasted FML
Today, I won my custody battle. I wish I could be happy about it, but it strained my current marriage so badly that now I'm going through my second divorce. FML
Today, I was supposed to get married. I called it off only 20 minutes before the ceremony was supposed to begin because I saw my fiance punch his own mother in the face. FML
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