By pey - 21/5/2020 14:00

Revelations

Today, my boss told me I had to fire my co-worker. I didn't want to do it, but I didn't want to lose my job. I told my co-worker that the boss said we had to let him go. He told me that he had sex with my wife. My wife didn't deny it. FML

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This Charming Man

There's no helping some people

Going swimmingly

By Anonymous

Today, I asked my mom if she'd seen my financial calculator on my way out to an exam. She told me she'd tossed it in the donation pile that she'd taken to the Salvation Army this morning because it was "clutter." I needed it to take the exam, which is required to pass the class, to graduate next month. The only place to buy a replacement was closed. FML

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By Matt - Canada

Today, I took my date out for dinner to a seafood restaurant and she ordered expensive prawns. Later, when we had sex, she started to complain about her stomach hurting and then had diarrhea for hours. Great job prawns. FML

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By Goblin Girl - United States - Katy

Today, a coworker informed me that she thinks I may be descended from a race of goblins, because of my squat stature, ugly face and hairy arms. She was being completely serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, wanting to break up with my boyfriend, I invited him to dinner with my parents. I was sure they'd hate him, which would give me the excuse I needed. They ended up loving him, and now they won't stop mentioning marriage. FML

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By fat girl - United States - North Pole

Today, my coworkers decided to throw me a surprise baby shower. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By boss stabber - United States - Kings Beach

Today, I got reprimanded by my boss for saying "It's a stab in the dark, though." According to him, it's a euphemism for anal sex and I was being offensive to a gay colleague, the same one who kept insisting it was no problem. I got written up anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Burlington

Today, during a date, I discovered that if I cough with my mouth closed, snot will spray from my nose all over the place like some kind of mucus cannon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Troy

Today, I saw some pretty heinous graffiti on the urinal stall at school, so I opted to scribble it out. A supervisor came in the second the pen touched the stall. Now I have detention and have to scrub the entire stall clean as a "lesson". FML

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By alexo - United States

Today, I took the bus. The old lady next to me almost fell when the driver stopped, but I managed to catch her. Five minutes later, the same thing happened to me. The old lady tried to help me, but I lost my balance and pulled her skirt down. FML

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By GiWi - Ireland

Today, I asked my boss a simple question about a problem I was having with a project I am currently doing. He replied: ''You don't worry your sweet little ass about it babe". My boss is my girlfriend's father. Nice. FML

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By therealducktape - France

Today, I got back from a two week holiday only to discover my dog missing. After looking for him at animal shelters and putting up missing pet signs, my room mate admitted he lost him in a game of drunk poker. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my pregnant girlfriend gave me back the ring I'd used to propose with a week ago. Her reason? She only said yes because she was worried the real father of the baby wasn't going to stick around. FML

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By EliseV - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I lost my virginity. In the middle of it, he just gave up and said he wasn't in the mood anymore. Then I had to listen about his past failed relationships for over an hour. FML

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By unfortunate - Sweden

Today, I was so lonely that I had a conversation with myself on my way home. It was only when I reached my apartment complex that I discovered that my neighbour had been walking behind me, laughing to himself the whole way. FML

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By trashed - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I painted the guest bathroom. Once finished, I noticed the paint splatters on my arms matched my lily white chalky skin. Paint matches me better than my makeup. Guess I need a different paint, and new make up. FML

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By xHoho - United States - West Fargo

Today, I took my girlfriend to a scary movie, hoping I could comfort her at a scary part. Instead when a scary part came on, she reacted by throwing up all over my lap and the person in front of us. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Redfern

Today, during an otherwise promising job interview, I was asked how much I thought was too much for a "good hit of blow". I must have stayed speechless for too long, because the guy's next words were, "Yeah, you're not cut out for this." I'm shocked and baffled too. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I found out that one of my colleagues believes that aliens built the pyramids. No amount of logical reasoning or evidence has had any effect on his argument of, "but you can't prove they didn't." FML

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By Sam - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out that the woman from My Strange Addiction who can't stop picking her scabs is married. I've been single for two years and I don't even pick my nose. FML

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By icandothecancan - United States - Duncan

Today, while in the yard, my 18-month-old son decided to take off running into the road, where a car was driving. I rushed after him, only for one of my dress straps to suddenly break without warning. It must have looked like I was trying to flag down the driver with my flailing tit. FML

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By Candy_Crushed - United States - Mims

Today, after nearly three years of no contact whatsoever, I received a Facebook notification from my father. Eager to see what he said, I pulled it up only to see a game request. He had run out of lives on Candy Crush. FML

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By lekijkerd - Netherlands - Leusden

Today, I went to see my favorite band. It was all amazing and great until I decided to go crowd surfing. I was maybe too heavy because people jumped away instead of catching me. I fell right on my tailbone. FML

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By BabyBeardy - Australia

Today, I stepped out of a bar in order to make a phone call. While I was outside, the bouncers arrived and ropes were put up. They wouldn't let me back in, claiming I was too young and they hadn't seen me come out. I was celebrating my 26th birthday, the legal drinking age is 18. I also have a beard. FML

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By xXxXxTOBIxX - United States - Raleigh

Today, while relaxing in a chair in a shop, a man approached me and said, "You have no idea how many times I've farted in that chair." FML

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By Unnoticed - Australia - Thornlie

Today, my colleague introduced herself and said, "I know how nerve-racking first days are!" Which is nice of her, except I've been at this company longer than she has. FML

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By messyfamily - Australia

Today, I had to listen to my mother flirting on the phone with my dad's new girlfriend's ex-husband. FML

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By Bookworm - United Kingdom - Singapore

Today, I was on the tram, when an elderly couple got on. I stood up to give them room to sit together, but as I stood up, the tram set off and I went flying, knocking the elderly gentleman over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the bus heading home from school, when I noticed a ridiculously hot girl near me, checking me out. I was about to say something charmingly funny when I suddenly got a whiff of onions. Turns out she had turned around simply to catch the essence of her own fart. FML

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By Gaylord - United States - Aspers

Today, I realized that my somewhat flamboyant behavior may have given people the wrong impression when my classmate tried to set me up with one of her male friends. I've been trying to work up the courage to ask her out all semester. FML

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By super maman - France - Montauban

Today, in a supermarket, my four-year-old son whispered to me, asking if the checkout lady was able to wash between her fat rolls. She heard. FML

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By "breejanai"

Today, while working as a veterinary assistant, an owner stood extremely close to me and kept accidentally petting me instead of her dog. After her dog was examined, she asked me if I'd ever had the chicken pox because she has shingles and it's contagious to those who haven't. I haven't. FML

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By Anonymous

Self-sabotage

Today, I was hanging out with a guy friend I hadn't seen for ages. The sexual tension was off the charts. We were making out and think were progressing, hands were roaming to both nether regions when I freaked out and blurted out, "But aren't we just friends?" We then sat and watched TV. FML

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By WetWalking - United States - Tyler

Today, I was walking by the side of the interstate because my car broke down. A nice young man stopped and asked if I was tired of walking. I said yes, to which he replied, "Try jogging asshole" then laughed and drove off. It was raining balls. FML

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By Anonim23

Today, I finally decided to go talk to my upstairs neighbour about the loud banging noises he makes every single morning around 8 a.m. It worked. Now he starts at 7 a.m. FML

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By mugged - United States

Today, I got mugged by someone wearing a bear suit. FML

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By SharkWeek - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I reminded my husband that I was on my period, so he wouldn't try to fool around with me. A few hours later, his goldfish-like memory kicked in and he stuck his hand down my pants while we were going to bed. I was wearing a maxi pad. FML

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By crybaby - United States - Seattle

Today, I went to let my puppy out, and I turned around to see her peeing on the carpet. After getting her outside, I saw my little sister pooping on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my second roommate in less then a week got a DUI. Both roommates are demanding that I drive them around for free until they get their licenses back, or else they won't have the funds to pay their rent. FML

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By Cody - France

Today, I was at a job interview at McDonalds. All was going well until the manager told me that I'd have to remove the piercing that I have on my eyebrow. I didn't think that my mole would be so confusing. FML

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By soy_un_perderdor - United States

Today, it's Saturday. While all my friends go out to have fun, I get my excitement thinking about how I'll be sleeping with a new pillow. FML

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Top comments

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7907819 - Thursday 21 May 2020 15:51

guess firing him just became a whole lot easier. sorry your wife is a cheating bitch.

By ViviMage | 38

#7907884 - Thursday 21 May 2020 21:48

Firings should be between the employee and HR.

And maybe HR should fire your wife!

COMMENTS

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7907819 - Thursday 21 May 2020 15:51

guess firing him just became a whole lot easier. sorry your wife is a cheating bitch.

By ViviMage | 38

#7907884 - Thursday 21 May 2020 21:48

Firings should be between the employee and HR.

And maybe HR should fire your wife!

By lifeis4me | 20

#7907892 - Thursday 21 May 2020 22:43

That worked out for you. It would’ve been awkward to work with your wife’s boyfriend

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7908134 - Saturday 23 May 2020 2:00

Hope you signed a pre-nup!

By hfnsjsnsjzns | 18

#7908181 - Saturday 23 May 2020 11:43

Wh ...what the f???

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7908511 - Sunday 24 May 2020 19:43

Then go have sex with his mama and rub that on his face