Today, it's been many years since I criticised my sister for homeschooling her kids instead of sending them to a normal school. Now all three of her kids are at university in science courses. My two sons graduated high school still struggling to read or spell, and don’t have the grades for college. FML
Today, while I was leaving a restaurant, the very handsome waiter, whom I had been trying to hit on all night, said to me, in front of everyone, "Why did you write your phone number on the table with hearts around it? You know I won't call you." FML
Today, my girlfriend brought home her fourteenth effing Stanley Cup thermos cup contraption thing. They are taking over our tiny apartment. I can't deal with this madness. FML
Today, I told my family that I’m pregnant. My sister is upset and refuses to accept she’ll have to help with the baby. I’m a single mom going to college and living at home, and will need help. FML
Today, for Valentine’s Day, I got my boyfriend chocolates, a new Xbox game and planned lots of kinky sexy time. He ate the chocolate, orgasmed after three thrusts, had a 2-hour nap, then ignored me while playing the new game all afternoon. He didn’t get me anything, not even my own orgasm. FML
Today, I found out I can retire early with a decent pension. My nephew, who I haven't heard from for 10 years, suddenly got in touch to ask how I am and to say how much he has missed me. FML
Today, as per usual, my mother went to see her psychic, who told her that one of her children is harbouring a "dark secret". Now we're all grounded until one of us confesses our obviously non-existent secret. FML
Today, I was gambling on pull tabs. My friend, never much of a gambler, asked to take one. I was confused but gave one to him anyway. I got precisely $0 from them. The tab I gave to my friend was a winner. How much was it worth, you ask? Six hundred dollars. I'm very happy for him, but… seriously? FML
Today, I was chewed out and blocked by several of my “friends” because I never post anything political, and am therefore right wing. FML
Today, my cat learned how to flush the toilet while I was in the shower. His transformation from cute kitten to pure evil entity is now complete. FML
Today, while driving the 45 minutes to work, I let out some gas, only to arrive at work and realize I'd sharted. I couldn’t tell because my seat heater was on. FML
Today, I see plenty of guys who've messed up on Valentine's Day and not getting their girlfriend’s gifts. Meanwhile, I’m over here having been turned down by every girl i’ve known for the last four years. “I only see you as a friend”, “I’m not interested in a relationship”, “I don't see you that way.” FML
Today, my boyfriend still doesn't "believe" in Valentine's Day. Every year I feel stupid for caring about this. FML
Today, my boss caught me singing and dancing in the office when I thought no one was around. Trying to save face, I told him I was just practicing for a team-building event. He smiled and said, "Great, you can lead the next one." Now I have to choreograph a team-building dance. FML
Today, my family decided it would be hilarious to catch the biggest moths they could and let them loose in my room. I'm terrified of moths and they thought it would be "funny as hell" to watch me freak out. FML
Today, I thought it would be a good idea to surprise my cat with a fancy new toy. I spent $30 on a laser pointer. Turns out, my cat is terrified of lasers, and spent the next hour giving me the "You betrayed me" look from under the couch. FML
Today, and over the past three months, I and four of my immediate family have been in hospital. Debilitating foot infection. Brain tumor. Urinary tract infection. Stroke. I just found out a few minutes ago my aunt just went in. I'm starting to think I'm going to be losing relatives any second. FML
Today, I discovered my husband and kids wait until I’m out of the house before doing fun activities like water fights, board games, Xbox sessions, football, and the like. Apparently I’m such a buzzkill and moody sore loser, they can only have fun without me around. FML
Today, I was playing guitar at a party, and girls were into me. I'm alright at guitar but by no means an expert. Some kid who was practically a wizard took a turn playing. He could play almost any song on the fly. He made me look so bad that I've never had so many girls in one room be embarrassed to have talked to me. FML
Today, I got dumped by a friend because she said I was "too much." She's treated me like shit and basically ignored me at times since the beginning of the school year, in favor of hanging out with another friend. I guess years of friendship really can disappear overnight. FML
Today, while I was working at a call center, a customer was pranking me using an obviously fake Asian accent. He kept saying his name was “Phuck Mi”, his phone number was 666-3629 (as in "Sex sex sex free sex tonight") and making moaning noises and sexual phrases. I don’t get paid enough for this. FML
Today, after months of searching, I finally found a flat that is affordable and with amazing flatmates. The catch? I'm developing feelings for one of them. My heart sinks when they have a date over. I'm also in a relationship. The situation is eating me up inside. I hate that I'll have to go. Cupid, go f*ck yourself. FML
Today, I realized that when a girl asks what your plans are for Valentine's Day and you say, "Nothing" and she responds with, "Oh, I don't have any plans either", it means she wants you to take her out. It took me three months to figure that out. FML
Today, my daughter asked me if I could have the kids overnight, even though I’d babysat all day, all because she just got home and was too tired to make the drive to pick them up. She only lives two minutes away. I can see her house from my bathroom window. FML
Today, I was excited about my new fitness tracker that I decided to go for a run to test it out. Midway through, I looked down and realized I'd forgot to turn it on. FML
Today, I was staying over at my boyfriend's house, sleeping in his sister's room while she is away at college. I left my necklace on her dresser. When I came back, it was gone. His mother saw it there and thought it was her daughter's necklace. She hid it so I wouldn't "steal it". FML
Today, I was hired as an aide to a manager. He only works 2 hours a day, so I only work for 2 hours. The other 8 hours of my day I'm bored because I’m not allowed to go home, watch YouTube, browse Facebook, or read a book, so I just sit at my desk, earning £0.17 over minimum wage, to stare at a wall. FML
Today, the eczema on my hands is so bad that my phone's touch screen didn't want acknowledge my fingers as human skin. FML
Today, I was awakened by knocking on my door, only to find my parents standing there. Turns out, they booked two one-way tickets to visit me from another country. Their plan? I should scrap my upcoming 2-week vacation to hang out because they invested in this trip. Oh, and they didn't book a hotel. I'm 31. FML
Today, I fought with my sister. We're both adults, but I cussed her out and called her an idiot or something, and a bitch. I’m trying my best to get therapy for this shit. I have found nothing that helps me quit acting this way. I grew up with it in my parents' behavior. FML
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