Today, my financial situation is so bad that I had to surrender my beloved calico cat because I can’t take care of her. On top of that, my ex-wife found out and crucified me over it. I’ve been fucked up about it all day, and everything reminds me of my cat. Sorry, baby girl. FML
Today, after I got dumped a few months ago, I wrote a love letter to win her back. Romantic, right? She didn't think so. She called the cops. Now I may lose my job and my pension, and have to start life over at 40. FML
Today, my mother and I walked past my boyfriend, whom she's never met. After we casually greeted each other and went on our way, my mother said, "He's cute. Who is he?" I paused for a second and replied, "That's my boyfriend." She then said, "Does he know that?" FML
Today, I got back from a fun vacation I took with my husband. During the vacation, I participated in a wet t-shirt contest and a bunch of pictures of me flashing my breasts and waving my t shirt over my head during the contest got posted online. My whole office is teasing me now. FML
Today, after I started dating a guy and a girl simultaneously to keep my options open, they turned out to be siblings. FML
Today, my dad showed up at my house and offered to take me to my favorite restaurant. He drove me to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. He believes I only had my daughter, who I love with all my heart, because I drunkenly hooked up with a girl. FML
Today, a repairman came to fix my couch, which is under warranty because the frame had broken in multiple places. To ensure I got a new couch out of the deal, I stabbed multiple holes into the cushion. The guy fixed the frame, but said there was nothing he could do about lacerations on the sofa. FML
Today, I got kicked out of university after missing/failing two exams on the same day, because I was told I could submit my family member's family emergency documents. Turns out, they didn't recognise it because of different last names. My parents never officially married, so couldn't prove it. FML
Today, I finally forced my husband to go to the doctor's for his chronically itchy arsehole, which he scratches in his sleep, and ends up bleeding all over the sheets. Turns out it’s a fungal infection. Now he has to apply a cream twice a day, which isn’t fun to watch when he does it in the bedroom. FML
Today, I found out that the middle of the night is the time my Mom's crazy cats like to climb all over everything. They're adult cats but are still like kittens, so I get scared out of my wits whenever they knock something over in the middle of the night, because my mom didn't kitten-proof things for adult cats. FML
Today, I was talking with a very attractive coworker outside when a moth flew into my ear. I started screaming and hitting my ear because it was stuck and alive in my ear. I spent the rest of the day at the ER. I'm forever known as The Moth Lady. FML
Today, my clumsiness reached a whole level when I hit myself in the face with a hammer hard enough for blood to come out. FML
Today, while on the way to my grandpa's funeral, my brother announced he's moving in with me. When I said no because he's a alcoholic drug addict, both him and my mum started screaming at me that I'm a horrible person and that I don't love them. It's been a hour. Only two more to go plus the return trip. FML
Today, my mother has filled me with such grief from covert narcissism that I realized I'm having panic attacks about her being able to hear me if I speak my mind, even when I'm alone. I'm in my thirties and married. FML
Today, at my niece's christening, I was outside with family when we suddenly heard shouting and the priest pushing my husband outside while screaming, “GET OUT OF MY CHURCH!” Friar Tuck style. It’s been six hours and husband still won’t tell me what he did that upset a priest that badly. FML
Today, I went on a blind date at a fancy restaurant. My date was running a bit late, so I went ahead and got a table. I got bored, so I decided to ask my waiter how I looked. He stood there, then said that, "It's against company policy to mock customers to their face." FML
Today, I got a call from the police informing me that my car was involved in an accident outside my house. At least I can prove I was in another continent when it happened. FML
Today, on our way to a comic book convention, I was getting in the car in my costume when my girlfriend fell against the car door, slamming it shut on my knight helmet, which broke the hinge. We couldn’t fix it, meaning it was stuck on my head for an hour while my dad drove over with an angle grinder. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has a beautiful daughter. That's cool, except she's one year old. FML
Today, while on a first date, we ran into a street performer dressed as a clown. I have a phobia of clowns, so I froze in place for a solid 30 seconds before moving away as fast as I could. She spent the rest of the date looking at me oddly, then afterwards said we weren’t going to work out. FML
Today, my wife revealed to me that the doctor at the fertility clinic where we stored embryos is her ex-boyfriend. She’s now furious that I don’t trust that our freezer babies are mine. FML
Today, my daughter is twelve and doesn’t have a single friend, despite being kind and sweet. When I asked her why, she said, “All the other kids want me to die.” FML
Today, my boyfriend got his results from the doctor: the weeping sore under his foreskin isn’t an STD like I accused him of, it’s merely a bacterial skin infection from not washing his penis. He’s acting all smug, like not cheating on me somehow makes up for being a bacteria-ridden petri dish. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend for another girl. This other girl helped me break up with her so we could date. After it was all done, she promptly rejected me and in front of everyone, saying how much of a douche I was for leaving my girlfriend for another girl. FML
Today, when I tried to go to work, there were gun nuts blocking the road near my apartment, protesting something or other. I called the cops to break it up, only to be told, "We can't do anything because they have rights." Don't I have the right to not be terrorized by lunatics? FML
Today, at the age of 22, if I need to pee, I have less than a minute to get to a toilet before I pee myself. It’s been like that since I was a kid and my family won’t stop making fun of me for not growing out of it. FML
Today, after cleaning the whole house, I still couldn't get rid of the foul smell. Later, my roommate revealed his new place to "stash and dry" his socks: The ventilation ducts. FML
Today, my mother-in-law confessed that my wife doesn't want kids because she wants to relive her teenage era when she obviously wasn't ready for it. However, I've always been told the reason was me being impulsive, unstable, and prone to outbursts when something frustrates me. Also, that's why she quit her job. FML
Today, I've been sneezing and coughing and not feeling well, so I decided to go to the grocery store to get some bone broth and some orange juice. Shortly after grabbing the orange juice, I felt like I had to pass gas, except it wasn't gas, it was diarrhea. At 35 years-old I pooped my pants in the grocery store. FML
Today, after an argument, my wife goes out to cook her curly fries in our airfryer. The thing beeps after 15 minutes; my wife goes out and announces, "Oh that's great." "What's up babes?" says I. "I put the fries in the wrong compartment. It's all your fault, you wound me up earlier." she says. FML
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