Today, I was at work training for a new position. The girl who's been training me since I started decided to share about one of her tribe's proud, sacred traditions of eating raw, human flesh. I have another month shadowing her before I can work independently. I'm beyond disturbed. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I got a letter back from the family I will be staying with as a part of an exchange program. Apparently they own a slaughterhouse type farm, and I'm expected to kill one of their animals and eat it as a gift from the family. I'm a vegan. FML
Today, I made the mistake of telling my militant vegan coworker I have fond memories of hunting with my dad, which set her off like a tofu-powered grenade. If she doesn’t stop treating me like the devil, making snide comments, and other shit, I may have to go to HR about her. FML
Today, I interviewed at a hospital and shadowed on the unit. Within two hours, I had been splashed with blood, and witnessed a young patient abruptly die, imprinting a horrible memory. Traumatized, and not even selected for hire. FML
Today, I started at my new job. The woman who I'll be working right next to 40 hours a week introduced herself with, "I know what your name is. I know what you're planning, and I've been sent to destroy you." FML
Today, we ran out of disposable gloves at work. After saying how grossed out I was about having to touch raw chicken with my bare hands, my female boss goes, "Just imagine you're touching yourself. That's what I do." Even more grossed out now. FML
Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with a laxative, as part of some kind of bizarre hazing ritual. The bastard got ratted out and suspended, but my arsehole now feels like it's been blown apart by a nuclear warhead. I thought this shit only happened in movies. FML
Today, my boss was hosting some client representatives for a meeting and had offered to buy everyone lunch. The "healthy" place he's ordering from made me sick last time, so I'd politely opted out. At lunch, the reps glared at me in the meeting room as I ate my homemade chili con carne. Turns out they're all vegans. FML
Today, after working at the same place for 3 years, I found out that they are not only cutting my hours but now I have to take orders from some girl I trained because she was promoted over me. FML
Today, I was stuck with a coworker all morning while she had the "front farts." I moved to a different area after lunch, only to have another coworker start talking loudly about her boyfriend's skin tags, and how he likes to have her bite them off. I'm so disgusted but afraid to report it. FML
Today, while I was waiting for my train, a drugged out dude found it apropos to tell me women should be eaten like livestock, because they would, "probably be delicious." I'm a woman. FML
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Top comments
RememberSchlitz 9
My tribe has a proud sacred tradition of not being cannibals. Yours too? Yours? You too. Amazing. Everybody in this place is from a tribe that doesn't walk around eating other tribes. Except you, Marge.
cocacola999 27
Could also be a case of seeing how gullible the "new guy/girl" is. Or she doesn't want to train a new employee and has decided to mess with OP until OP asks for a new person to shadow.
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Comments (48)
rhyspiecesno8 18
If she ever says she's hungry and wants you to bring her food just run…
Rawrshi 25
Don't run. You'll trigger her hunting instinct.
RememberSchlitz 9
My tribe has a proud sacred tradition of not being cannibals. Yours too? Yours? You too. Amazing. Everybody in this place is from a tribe that doesn't walk around eating other tribes. Except you, Marge.
Rawrshi 25
"My stomach was making the rumblies that only hands could satisfy."
TheNewGuy03 29
Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrllllllllllllllll.
BestOrginalName 22
I think he says it more like "CAAARRROOOLL."
Thorny1503 4
It's more like CCOORRAALLL
cocacola999 27
Could also be a case of seeing how gullible the "new guy/girl" is. Or she doesn't want to train a new employee and has decided to mess with OP until OP asks for a new person to shadow.
hpandher 16
I guess she's from District 9... or more likely she's just kidding
Yudith_fml 11
Don't worry; most cannibal tribes only eat a tiny bit of recently deceased family members or buy Gerber's baby food when they get the urge. If she asks for a snack, bring her one or two with the baby's image proeminently displayed.
StoneColdShaky 8
I didn't realize Gerber made human flesh baby food...
Dat_Class_Tho 26
#15, a lot of 3rd world countries with low literacy rates have a general practice of making product labels with pictures of the product's contents. That way you can know what's inside without the use of reading skills. So when big western brands like Gerber come in and sell jars with pictures of chubby faced infants on the front, the locals freak out because it looks like Gerber is trying to say the product is made out of babies.
Historychik 3
I'm guessing you're also a cultural anthropologist.
cuz803 46
I think her favorite restaurant is the morgue
domolovesyoshi 33
Now I want to open a restaurant called the morgue.
cuz803 46
Same. We can make it a successful 5 star restaurant too
RichardPencil 32
Keep your fingers and toes away from her mouth!
Moerighan 23
She's probably just ******* with you and if not, it's probably an ancient tradition no longer practiced. Pretty sure that's a crime.
Mynxie 26
Ummmm........ isn't it illegal to have human flesh? Tribal tradition or not, cannibalism is illegal in America.
InfiniteSunshine 32
Believe it or not, no, there are no laws against cannibalism itself. There is no law outlining specifically "the act of cannibalism is illegal." However, when cannibalism is committed, it's charged with other things, desecration of a corpse, and usually murder, because that often accompanies cannibalism.
LatterDaySaint 12
It's actually legal to have flesh, but illegal to eat it. :P
klirrivirri 9
oh, he already made America great again