Today, I'm sharing a hotel room with co-workers on a business trip. The walls are paper-thin, you could hear a pin drop, and I'm trying to make my explosive diarrhea as close to silent as possible. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't go to the bathroom because the four guests of my sleeping roommate are all sitting in dead silence against the paper-thin bathroom wall. FML
Today, I have to take medicine that gives me painful, violent farts. Tomorrow, I have to either get fired or go work in an office that's dead silent. How silent? Last week I heard my coworker drop a paperclip, three desks away. FML
Today, I requested to have my own room at a hotel instead of sharing with everyone else, and I was called an inconsiderate diva. The reason is that after eating anything, my stomach makes such loud and disgusting noises that no one would be able to sleep, but I’m too embarrassed to say that. FML
Today, the walls in my house are so thin that I heard my roommate yell from the bathroom upstairs, "Hear my butthole roar." Now I’m scared to use the bathroom after him. FML
Today, at work, I had to use the bathroom to urinate. It's basically in an open plan office, so everyone can hear absolutely everything. After successfully and discreetly doing my business, I noticed a bit of dirt on the wall. I gave it a rub with my thumb on the smooth tile. It sounded exactly like a loud fart. FML
Today, I sat in my hotel room bathroom in dead silence for 30 minutes while I waited for the cleaning staff to stop watching TV and drinking beer from the minibar, so that I could finish using the toilet. FML
Today, at work, I realized that not everyone in the office needs to hear my explosive diarrhea through the a/c vents that interconnect through the entire building. I think an email was sent around, describing people's reactions in detail. FML
Today, the landlord of our building constructed a bathroom in the space under the stairs, outside my office, on the other side of a thin wall. He must have some kind of bowel disorder, because now I get to hear the sounds of his loud, wet and gassy pooping several times per day. FML
Today, as any other work day, I sat down for lunch. Unfortunately, the door to the toilet is right next to where I sit. Every time a colleague uses the toilet, I hear everything, which puts me off my lunch. FML
Today, I realized that having the apartment bathroom next to my bedroom space isn't so great and convenient when it's occupied by my evil roommate, Fartzilla. I hear every constipated grunt, despite having music turned up. Worse, it's like living next to a poop-pourri factory. Nose bleach, anyone? FML
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Top comments
LadyClarik 8
Try turning your tv and radio/iPod as loud as they can go to drown out the noise. Also try putting the shower and sink in simultaneously.
anitadoody 7
Oh come on, everybody poops. Let it just go with the flow!
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Comments (63)
LadyClarik 8
Try turning your tv and radio/iPod as loud as they can go to drown out the noise. Also try putting the shower and sink in simultaneously.
skittlestrailmix 14
These are all great tips. Feel better please. :(
Thebroskii 11
Or just use the lobby bathroom if there is one
peachesncreem 21
I don't think OP can make it all the way to the lobby with his diarrhea being the explosive kind :3
ScaughtieHolden 11
Or give them a good laugh. Everyone likes to laugh!
terrykayez 6
This method works. I use it often.
ColdplaySucks 18
What a waste of water. I think the T.V. suggestion is better.
AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml 12
What a waste of electricity. I like the "Give them a laugh" one better :P
onedirectionxx 8
THAT'S WHAT I DO
Migole 36
I do the sink/shower one as well, always worked for me :)
if2013 10
Good luck :)
horseridermc 2
Turn the fan on, it overpowers some of the noise.
whyusofat 17
He had the sour cream luck wont save him....
MisterMichael 9
Just try to fake cough a lot
TourettesGuyFTW 26
Fake coughing whilst suffering from the super *****... baaaad idea!
igive 29
It would sound like: cough, cough (squirt) little cough (fart)) cough (squirt) cough (splashing water). pffft.
TourettesGuyFTW 26
Really, 51?? I did not previously know that. Thanks for clarifying.
naya_bingi 11
51's comment was hilarious! Stupid, yet hilariously so. Reminded me of the scene in Dumb and Dumber...
Carmstro 13
51, thanks for that. Appreciated the imagery...
pipipiyo 12
Agreeing with the water on, or just say you were vomiting haha
apan 13
Yeah like: Hi guys, know what! I'm vomiting like hell and we're sharing room and toilet, isn't that nice?
skellingtonfart 18
Sing or cough simultaneously!
Wishez 12
I'm sure her coworker would like nothing better but for OP to start singing.
poccocurantes 7
Yes singing while blasting gouts of liquid waste and foul air would certainly not make your coworkers look at you funny. Try something by the carpenters.
anitadoody 7
Oh come on, everybody poops. Let it just go with the flow!
dathan 14
Flow. Lol.
poccocurantes 7
Run with it.
frustratedcelt 18
My motto is, if you can't hide it, decorate it. Go all out, scream and groan and beg for divine intervention. Then just act totally normal when you next meet your colleagues.
howdeedoo 22
11-Do your colleagues consider you the "strange" person in your office?
junkman6 22
This is how you know most FML commenters are still in high school they can't understand a joke that might make them look slightly "uncool."
frustratedcelt 18
I am not sure how I can type slower so you understand my post.
DocBastard 40
With a little luck and perseverance, you may be able to hide the sound fairly well. The smell...not so much.
Tali147 16
I agree. If the walls are paper thin, OP is going to need some serious smelloflage.
poccocurantes 7
Light a match. Courtesy flush. open a window. If all of these fail set the toilet paper on fire, flood the bathroom and climb out the window. Come through the front doors as the fire department arrives and ask what's going on.
Accuraxy 10
81- That sounds like a grand escape scene from a movie. Diarrhea: The Final Escape
Delta2Almanac 7
*Insert shitty joke line thread here.
TheRandomIndian 17
Sure was shitty
1dvs_bstd 41
Tell them... the drinks is on me the bitches, the hotel, the weed is all free Get high, I mean so high We see the whole street We fly, I mean so high We need a whole wing...... When they take the bait, it's your chance to totally annihilate the toilet!
Pelvispresley 8
14- Are you alright? o_O
BntyHntrSeattle 30
Was that some pop song I missed out on, or was that just bat-crap crazy?