Today, I'm sharing a hotel room with co-workers on a business trip. The walls are paper-thin, you could hear a pin drop, and I'm trying to make my explosive diarrhea as close to silent as possible. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't go to the bathroom because the four guests of my sleeping roommate are all sitting in dead silence against the paper-thin bathroom wall. FML
Today, I have to take medicine that gives me painful, violent farts. Tomorrow, I have to either get fired or go work in an office that's dead silent. How silent? Last week I heard my coworker drop a paperclip, three desks away. FML
Today, I requested to have my own room at a hotel instead of sharing with everyone else, and I was called an inconsiderate diva. The reason is that after eating anything, my stomach makes such loud and disgusting noises that no one would be able to sleep, but I’m too embarrassed to say that. FML
Today, the walls in my house are so thin that I heard my roommate yell from the bathroom upstairs, "Hear my butthole roar." Now I’m scared to use the bathroom after him. FML
Today, at work, I had to use the bathroom to urinate. It's basically in an open plan office, so everyone can hear absolutely everything. After successfully and discreetly doing my business, I noticed a bit of dirt on the wall. I gave it a rub with my thumb on the smooth tile. It sounded exactly like a loud fart. FML
Today, I sat in my hotel room bathroom in dead silence for 30 minutes while I waited for the cleaning staff to stop watching TV and drinking beer from the minibar, so that I could finish using the toilet. FML
Today, at work, I realized that not everyone in the office needs to hear my explosive diarrhea through the a/c vents that interconnect through the entire building. I think an email was sent around, describing people's reactions in detail. FML
Today, the landlord of our building constructed a bathroom in the space under the stairs, outside my office, on the other side of a thin wall. He must have some kind of bowel disorder, because now I get to hear the sounds of his loud, wet and gassy pooping several times per day. FML
Today, as any other work day, I sat down for lunch. Unfortunately, the door to the toilet is right next to where I sit. Every time a colleague uses the toilet, I hear everything, which puts me off my lunch. FML
Today, I realized that having the apartment bathroom next to my bedroom space isn't so great and convenient when it's occupied by my evil roommate, Fartzilla. I hear every constipated grunt, despite having music turned up. Worse, it's like living next to a poop-pourri factory. Nose bleach, anyone? FML
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Top comments
LadyClarik 8
Try turning your tv and radio/iPod as loud as they can go to drown out the noise. Also try putting the shower and sink in simultaneously.
anitadoody 7
Oh come on, everybody poops. Let it just go with the flow!
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Comments (63)
perdix 31
Crank up Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture." The cannon fire will blend in with your salvos of fart-propelled, molten-lava grenades. You may also want to set some tires on fire in the bathroom to improve the smell.
xtna 9
Diarrhea is always the loudest when you NEED it to be quiet.
Korosuhito 26
Drop some paper in toilet before you go to muffle the noise.
abceasyas123abc 12
But how to muffle the sharting noises? That is the question..
natalalaliee 9
That really does suck! Maybe tell them so you can laugh about it?
Accuraxy 10
If I had flaming diarrhea bombs I don't think I would want to announce it to everyone..
outoftown 27
They'll know, all too well.
abceasyas123abc 12
You need to get your hands on this medication called enteroquinal. It's not approved in some countries but it's the only thing I've ever known to actually give you relief from the cramps and control the degree of explosiveness of diarrhoea.
Sputnikspak 13
Loperamide (usually OTC name Imodium) works really well also. And there's usually a pharmacy around that delivers (sometimes even the front desk has it). There are two things I pack on every single trip: Gravol and the instantly-dissolving Imodium. I get motion sickness and have occasional bouts of IBS, so I always plan ahead when it comes to bringing along my drugs.
outoftown 27
When you call the front desk, also ask for air freshener and more frequent housekeeping for the bathroom (tip extra for it yourself), and contact info for the house physician and/or local emergency room. Share this info with your roommates, in case you pass out and need medical hydration.
peopleequalshet 10
If you're really feeling that awkward, go to another bathroom across the street.
MrBoredomioo 18
I just watched the barf and shit scene from that movie. In a hotel. While ******** my brains out.
mikeymayhem_87 15
Here's a possible solution for next time: zip tie the trigger to an air freshener can so it'll spray continuously and throw it into the room. It'll either force everybody else out of the room by the smell, or it'll preoccupy them long enough trying to disable it, that you can get the explosive BM done and worry free. Plus, the stench will be drowned out by the air freshener!
Catkam623 27
Say hey let's go get some food and while their gone let it go
DanielleinDC 34
That has to be the shittiest situation ever.
Enslaved 38
Out of respect, why didn't you just warn your co-worker and tell her that you are having some stomach issues and kindly ask if you can have some extra privacy? I'm sure she would have walked the hotel and visited the gym or pool rather than have to listen and smell you. :P