Today, I was meeting the mayor of a major city as part of an internship program. Seated directly in front of him during his presentation on the budget crisis, he unleashed an enormous, foul fart in front of the entire audience. And then blamed it on me, everyone believed him. FML
Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. On our way to the Space Needle I was pulled over and promptly arrested. Apparently, I had recently purchased a car from a man who had robbed a jewelery store. The ring is now evidence. FML
Today, I proudly informed my boyfriend that I am now a size 4, down from an 18, after months of dieting and exercising after he told me he would like me to be a size 6. He broke up with me for "not listening to what he wanted" and "being an overachiever". FML
Today, I used a public bathroom. I hung my purse up on the hook on the door. Two minutes later, a hand reaches over the door and steals my purse. I got robbed while taking a crap. FML
Today, I was going on a first date with a girl I really like. We were going to see the new Harry Potter movie, and she told me she was getting all dressed up. It was only after I picked her up I realized she meant that she was dressing nicely. I was dressed as Harry Potter. FML
Today, I got sick in the airsick bag as my flight landed. The woman next to me, trying to make me feel better, says "Don't handle landings too well?" I responded "No, I actually fly fine, I'm just 8 weeks pregnant." She looked at my left hand, noticed no ring, rolled her eyes and looked away. FML
Today, my cat came through my window, holding a dead rat in her mouth and dropped it in my pile of clothes. I then asked my dad if he could get the dead rat out of my room. After looking for an hour, he couldn't find it. Guess the rat wasn't dead after all. FML
Today, I was waiting in line with a friend, and she poked my stomach and said, "I wish I had your stomach." I asked her why. She said, "Boys wouldn't flirt with me." FML
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. As I left his house and began to drive away, I see him chasing after my car barefoot. I stop and roll down the window, ready to listen to the speech he has prepared to win me over with. He takes a moment to catch his breath and says "I want my cellphone back". FML
Today, I was at a Starbucks drive-thru and was grabbing a hot coffee when I got rear ended and my car hit the vehicle in front of me which deployed my airbag. Hot coffee can really burn when it hits your face at a high rate of speed. FML
Today, my boss asked me if I know anything about those tattoos that girl put on their lower backs. "You mean Tramp Stamps?" I responded. He looked at me with hatred in his eyes and said that his 18 year old daughter just got one. FML
Today, I received a letter in the mail stating that I had won a trip to Cancun, Mexico. It looked like a scam so I threw it away. I later found out that it was a birthday present from my cousin and the envelope also contained a check for 5 thousand dollars to help cover some expenses. FML
Today, I went out drinking with a friend I've been crushing on for a while now. After we'd been talking and had a few, she said, "Man, I haven't gotten laid in months! Do you mind?" Surprised but hopeful, I nodded. She leaned over, hugged me, and went to hit on a guy by the bar. FML
Today, my parents came to the restaurant I work at as a waiter. After, I picked up the check to realize they had left me a $500 tip! We split the tips among the employees so I only got $50 back but I was still psyched. When I got home they asked me if I had noticed that they used my credit card. FML
Today, I found why exactly my clothes always seemed more stretched out after about a week of owning them. My mom steals and wears them when she goes clubbing. My mom is 46, twice my size, and gets out more than me. FML
Today, I got my annual blood test. The nurse was inexperienced and it took her several tries to insert the needle properly. When I get back home, my fiancé starts yelling at me and storms out. The reason? I am a recovering drug addict and my arm appeared as if I had been shooting up. FML
Today, it's my 22nd birthday. The only person who remembered was the dentist who sent me a postcard in the mail. I stopped going to him four years ago. FML
Today, after going to the beach with my guy friend, I thought I looked pretty good in front of him in a bikini. Later he whispered in my ear, "You have a lot of hairs sticking out of your bottom." FML
Today, I went out with my ex-boyfriend on a date. The night consisted of me sitting in the back seat of his friend's truck while they drove around to pick up things for the party they were going to have that same night. After they picked everything up, he asked where I wanted to get dropped off. FML
Today, it's my 21st birthday. All my friends showed up at my house already drunk, so I had to be the designated driver. FML
Today, I ran over a cat while driving home. I tried to keep myself together but couldn't help but cry because of how bad I felt. Through my tears I failed to notice a porcupine in the middle of the road. Yep, I hit him too. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband in our room completely naked. At first I thought he was waiting for me so we could have sex. He hadn't seen me yet, so I started to undress too to surprise him. Then I saw that he had drawn a face on his penis and he was talking to it. FML
Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his family. They were drinking and having fun, so I joined in. I had one too many, got really goofy, and then suggested the farting game. "Sorry, I can't hold my liquor!" I quickly explained. My boyfriend's mom shot me a cold look and said, "It's non-alcoholic." FML
Today, I was walking my aunt's dog to the park and I grabbed a few doggy bags to pick up the poop. As it turns out, the bag had a small unnoticeable hole in it, that grew bigger as I fit my hand through it. I ended up using my hand to pick up the poop and didn't realize it. FML
Today, I asked a woman where her beautiful accent was from. The woman stared at me for a while. Then her daughter told me that the reason her mother talked like that was because she had a stroke a few months ago. FML
Today, during foreplay with my boyfriend, I put my legs around his neck. He pushed them away violently, shouting, "Bloody hell, it's prickling me!" I'd shaved the day before. FML
Today, I woke up happy because I'd met the man of my dreams at a bar. We had shared an amazing night together. I walked around my apartment, wondering where he'd went. Turns out, he was gone. So was my car. FML
Today, I drunk dialed my mom and told her I was so high and drunk that I thought the KGB was coming after me. When I woke up this morning, my mom told me that she's no longer paying for college. FML
Today, one of my closest friends and I got into a fight. She ended the conversation with, "My grandma just had a stroke. Bye." I didn't believe her so I replied "That's great. Bye." Turns out her Grandma is in the hospital in critical condition. FML
Today, I applied for a job in an Italian restaurant. Ideally I wanted to be a hostess rather than a waitress, and I told the manager as much. His response? "No no no. Hostess no good for you. We leave that to the pretty girls." FML
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