CeleryMuffin

Today, I was told I look like Susan Boyle. FML

Lock it up

Today, I decided to be adventurous and give my boyfriend head in the downstairs TV room. Just as he was about to come, I heard someone walking towards the door. I took my mouth off to get up and lock the door right as he came. I didn't make it to the door but my dad saw something he will never forget. FML

Today, I just found out that my ex girlfriend is gonna be my step mother. FML

What have you done this time?

Today, I realized the only times my boyfriend ever says, "I love you" are after he screws up or when he wants a blowjob. FML

Slice and dice

Today, I was working in a deli when I cut more meat than I intended; I basically removed my fingerprint via the deli slicer. FML

Today, I woke up after a dream where I got it good from none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger. The problem? I'm a guy, and straight. Apparently my subconscious has a fetish for old Austrian bodybuilders. FML

Today, my daughter told my son that Santa is not real. Of course, being a child, he started to cry. My only problem is, my son is 11 and my daughter is 6. FML

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom that I'm gay. She sympathetically patted my back and told me I don't need to make up excuses for me being so unattractive to women. FML

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. When I orgasmed, my leg flew out and I accidentally kicked him in the balls. For the next ten minutes, he lay in the fetal position. FML

Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. Let's just say Santa had a present for me. FML

Today, my husband said that when we have sex he almost gets as excited as he does when he gets a chopper gunner on Black Ops. FML

Today, I was in the elevator with my female coworker and a very attractive teen in front of us. My coworker reached out and grabbed the boobs of the teen in front of us, and blamed it on me. I got yelled at, kneed in the crotch, and punched in the face. My coworker couldn't stop laughing. FML

Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. FML

Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML

Today, I was having the best sex with my husband, and right when I reached climax, he shouted "Abracadabra!" FML

Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML

Sorry, son

Today, a little boy called me, crying that "Grandma died" in a broken voice. I just didn't have the heart to say, "Wrong number." FML

Today, I was sitting beside a very cute girl on a 3 hour bus trip with my class. She fell asleep, head on my lap. She woke up because my erection was jabbing her in the cheek. FML

Today, I realized I don't know which is sadder: the fact I have detailed conversations with myself in my car, or that I bought a Bluetooth earpiece so that I can do it in public without people thinking I'm a complete lunatic. FML

Nice try, chief

Today, while discussing having sex for the first time with my boyfriend, I asked what method of birth control we should use. He replied, "Anal." FML

Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML

Today, as a prank, a friend and I tied a 10 dollar bill to a fishing line, and yanked it away from people as they reached for it. It was going really well until one of our victims pulled a knife and chased us around the block. FML

Today, my boyfriend refused to go down on me because I smelled of baby lotion and it made him feel like a child molester. FML

Today, I got motion sickness while having sex. FML

Today, is the anniversary of my cat's death, so I went to visit her grave in the pet cemetery. Someone had spray-painted "Your cat sucks" on her grave. FML

Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML

Classy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear, "It's not gonna suck itself." FML

Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

Today, I was about to make love to my girlfriend at the local park when a cop caught us. I had to give him our information and hold a conversation with "Fire and Ice" lubricant on my penis. FML

Not a Bio major

Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML