Miss 31 years-old In a relationship
Today, my boyfriend proposed: he told me the feeling he gets from being in love with me is the best feeling in the world, even better than the feeling he gets when he poops. FML
Today, while driving home, my 3-year-old daughter told me she had to poop. I told her that she would have to wait until we got home. When we got home, she pulled down her pants and shat on the floor, because, "I'm home now." FML
Today, I was helping my elderly neighbor carry her groceries into her kitchen. When I finished, she sighed and said, "You're such a sweet girl. It's just a shame about your face." FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, and I really started getting into it. I said, "Hang on tight, this is gonna get intense." She replied, "Doubt it" and yawned. FML
Today, on the eighth day of my diet, I met up with my study group. Everyone was snacking on junk food while I stuck to carrots. Someone put a Snickers bar on the table. "God, I want you," I thought. Turns out I was thinking out loud. The guy next to me inched his chair away. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. My hand-eye coordination went straight to hell and I managed to accidentally smack my nose into his penis. He told all his friends about it, and I'm apparently now known as Woodpecker. FML
Today, while playing a big basketball game, I had to run urgently to the bathroom because of a really hard diarrhea. I took the ball. FML
Today, the creepy guy I turned down for a date almost six years ago, sent me a box of rotting flowers with a note calling me a cunt. FML
Today, I bought a new bra and panties and modeled them for my boyfriend. I thought he liked them, until mid-way through feeling me up, he decided he'd rather give me a massive wedgie. FML
Today, I was driving along, and went to spit out my window. My window was up. This happened in heavy traffic. People saw. FML
Today, I spent my first night at my boyfriend's place, and my first night sleeping beside him. I woke up in the early hours to him holding me and muttering in his sleep something like "surprise fisting". I'm beyond terrified. FML
Today, I complimented a guy on his beard. His response? "Thanks. Wanna sit on it?" FML
Today, I asked my dad to take me to the store so I could get some feminine hygiene products. When we got there, he went running down the aisles yelling, "Help! My daughter's bleeding to death! Where're the tampons?!" FML
Today, my fiancé and I were having sex in the early hours of the morning. He said, "Morning sex is the best thing to wake up to." Without thinking, I responded, "Yeah, unless you're in prison." He lost his erection due to laughing so hard and now can't look at me without laughing. FML
Today, I have such severe ADD that I can't focus without my medication. When I take the medication, I can only focus on one thing, but not necessarily the thing I need to be focusing on. I have a chem test soon, and I've been vacuuming my room for the past 4 hours. FML
Today, I was sitting on a bench at the local park, eating a banana. A guy old enough to be my grandfather walked by, turned to look at me, then said "Young man, I wish I were that banana." He walked away, and I almost blacked out choking on it in shock. FML
Today, I asked my 12-year-old son what he wanted for his birthday. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "A whore." FML
Today, my drunk husband came home, got into bed, and started humping the body pillow. He ended up whining about how I hadn't come yet, then angrily slurred that I must be cheating on him. All I could do was stay quiet and wonder how the idiot even made it home alive. FML
Today, I got on one knee in front of my girlfriend. I pulled out the ring, uttered the words, "Lisa, will you…" then abruptly shat my pants. FML
Today, I woke up to a mouse sitting on my pillow and chewing on my hair. FML
Today, I was woken up by my dog touching my foot, so I tried to push it away. Then I realized that I'd kicked my girlfriend in the face. FML
Today, I dressed up in my nicest clothes and spent ages putting makeup on before going to a nightclub, hoping to meet someone nice. The only person who acknowledged me was a guy who yelled, "Hey, wanna fuck?! Not like anyone else would ever touch you, am I right?!" FML
Today, I was hugging my girlfriend after she had a really bad day at work, when she burst into tears and started sobbing. For some reason that I'll never understand, it gave me a hard-on. She felt it, and now she thinks I'm a sick bastard. FML
Today, at my apartment complex, I was carrying a bag of trash up to the dumpster. A guy stopped his car and helped me carry it the rest of the way. I thanked him and he asked me out. I explained that I was married. He grabbed the trash bag and carried it back to my apartment. FML
Today, I was a pregnant man for Halloween. Everyone at school thought it was funny, except my principal, who gave me a detention and said it was, "inappropriate and making a pregnant teacher feel uncomfortable". That pregnant teacher asked me to take a selfie with her. FML
Today, my mum yelled "Son of a bitch!" as I narrowly beat her at a game of Mario Kart. I jokingly yelled back "Hell yeah I am!" Now I'm grounded for two weeks, birthday included, all because my mum's a sore loser. FML
Today, I was sick and had soccer trials on the same day. At the soccer trials, the coach called me over and told me I was doing really good and to keep it up. I said thanks and vomited on him. FML
Today, my neighbor's five-year-old rode his tricycle into a history diorama I had spent days slaving over. When I confronted him, he just said, "Vroom vroom muthafucka." FML
Today, my dad got so drunk that he forgot my name. He started calling me "It". FML
Today, as I was waiting in line at the check out, some guy came up behind me, plucked a hair out of my head, and ran off with it. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
