awkward_turtles

Today, I realized I have more in common with a cantaloupe than I do with my boyfriend. FML

Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML

Fortunate Son

Today, I had a look at the pictures my mom took during my birthday a couple of weeks ago. Every single one is of my sister. Her lighting the candles, her watching me open presents, and her eating cake. The only pictures of me are in the background. FML

Today, while at the store, I realized how socially inept I am when I said "excuse me" to a shopping cart because it was in my way. FML

Today, I got a parking ticket while I was in the car. I didn't even notice it happen. Ninja cops do exist. FML

Cereal killer

Today, I was broken up with via a cereal analogy. Apparently, I'm a Cheerio and all he wants is a Froot Loop. FML

Today, I was reading a book on paper for the first time in maybe a month. I had to stop at a word I did not recognise. Because I'm so used to using a Kindle, I tried to get the definition by pressing it. I had my finger on the word for a few seconds before I realised it was paper. FML

Today, after having a pretty rough day, I decided a nice, hot shower would be great. Ten minutes in, the shower head apparently couldn't take the water pressure anymore, and it flew off and hit me in the face. FML

Today, I sat down on a chair after my very large boss sat on it all day. When I got up, my pants were damp. FML

Today, I finally exchanged pictures with the woman I've been seeing online for some time now. She replied, saying "Thats not funny. Some people actually look like that." I sent my real picture, and thought I actually looked pretty good in it. FML

Today, my girlfriend beat me at ping pong, twenty to three. She said I let her win because I don't respect her, then stormed out of the room. I'm just really bad at ping pong. FML

Today, I got into a car accident. I got into it because I noticed a flashy new sign on the highway that read "Being an attentive driver prevents car crashes". Thanks for the notice. FML

Today, my youngest son thought that RedBull actually gave him wings. What it actually gave him was a trip to the ER and 7 stitches. It also gave me a meeting with social services. FML

Today, my boyfriend had to give me an enema. FML

Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML

Today, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus. More specifically, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus from being hit in the face by a pigeon that was deflected from the windscreen of a van moving at about 35mph. FML

Today, my school is having a mandatory class on etiquette. We've just now progressed onto forks after a long, tedious discussion on spoons. FML

Today, my AP teacher once again accused me of plagiarism. Apparently the words "demise," "ultimately," and "rural," are too sophisticated for an 11th grade AP student to use and MUST have been copied from the Internet. FML

Today, my kitchen is flooded, and according to my landlord, this is normal, because it rained last night. Funny, I thought the purpose of a roof was to stop water from getting in. Guess I was wrong. Silly me. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is extremely jealous of a stuffed toy that sits on my bed, all because it gets to 'sleep in the same bed as me and he doesn't.' Now, whenever he comes over, he throws it at the wall, death glares at it, then gets up and kicks it under my bed. FML

Today, as I passed my fiancé the pancakes I had just made, he vocalised his happiness with a groan that was EXACTLY like the one he makes when we have sex. So on a sexiness rating, I'm a pancake. FML

Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

Today, I sent my boyfriend to the store to get groceries while I was at work. Instead of what I listed, he came back with hot pockets, ice cream and beer. I'm lactose intolerant and pregnant. FML

Today, I was so hungover, I started yelling at inanimate objects. My mom walked in on me calling my cereal a "worthless piece of shit sent from the bowels of Hell." FML

Today, I passed a kidney stone. This is the third one in two years. I'm only 23. FML

Today, I learned that all it takes to anger my sister's new parrot is to walk past its perch. I also learned that a beak over two inches long is very capable of inflicting injuries that require stitches. FML

Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared. FML

Please, think of my family…

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

Today, I learned that my roommate, the one in charge of the cooking, never washes her hands beforehand. According to her, it boosts her immune system. FML

Nice neighborhood you've got here

Today, my neighbours kicked my football back over the fence. They'd slashed it and taped a note to the remains that said, "Do it again and it'll be your face." Now I'm scared to play football in my own backyard. FML