Mr Single
Today, I was working at a coffee shop. I was serving a customer when a cockroach appeared out of nowhere, and I screamed. Customers aren't supposed to know about the bugs so I had to lie and say I spilled coffee on myself, and served the customer while I felt the bug climbing up my leg. FML
Today, my grandmother is coming over to my family's house to stay for about a week or so. Apparently, the guest room window isn't big enough for her dream catcher, so she wants her cat to sleep in the guest room and she wants to sleep in my room. My parents support this. FML
Today, I woke up again to a warm trickling sensation on my neck. It would seem my rabbit has a thing for doing his business on me to wake me up. FML
Today, my mom brought her sleazy boyfriend home. He took one look at me, swatted my ass, and said, "It runs in the family." My mom just laughed and winked at me, and mouthed, "He's a keeper!" FML
Today, I witnessed my psycho neighbor put her cat in a cage, cross into my backyard, and set the cage down before returning to her house. She then called the cops and claimed I'd stolen her cat. The cops didn't believe my side of the story for a second. FML
Today, my overly-attached 14-year-old cat wanted attention while I was in a heated Skype argument with my girlfriend. Worked up from the fight, I raised my voice and said, "Not now, go away!" He ran to his little bed, had a heart attack and died. I was a complete dick to my cat in his last moments. FML
Today, I had to take bus to work, because yesterday my car was hit by a bus. While standing there, I noticed the driver kept looking back at me every now and then. As I went to get off, he looks at me again and says: "Sorry..." FML
Today, I found out that my sister licks all the flavoring off Doritos and puts them back in the bag. FML
Today, my mother yelled at me for not doing all of my homework. She got so mad, she tore up a drawing I'd spent over a week working on. That was my art homework. FML
Today, I found out I'm allergic to our new cat. My mom said she'd rather get rid of me than the cat. FML
Today, my daughter's teacher called me, very concerned, because my child told the whole class she's not a virgin anymore. The word is "vegan", Honey. FML
Today, my girlfriend put her hand on my abs and confessed that she was glad I'd secretly started working out. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I've been constipated for three weeks. FML
Today, I was eating a hot fudge sundae and said that the fudge was at the very bottom and I couldn't reach it with my spoon. My husband muttered, "Fat girl problems." FML
Today, my friends came over to my house to eat my food and make fun of me as they played on my Xbox. FML
Today, my 4 year old son groped my breasts and said, "This is what daddy told me to do." FML
Today, I looked up my childhood bully on Facebook, hoping she'd gone fat and ugly. Turns out she's drop-dead gorgeous and very successful. FML
Today, I got hit by a car while riding my bike to work. In the hospital, every single nurse lectured me about how I wouldn't be here if I wore a helmet, which I'm sure would be really helpful to my broken leg. FML
Today, it's the first day of fall. It's also the day that over 20 people have made jokes about my name being "Autumn" like they're the funniest, most original people alive. It's not even 8 am. This is going to be a long day. FML
Today, my date ditched me and showed up with another guy at the same restaurant. She even tried to take the reservation. FML
Today, I had to inform my roommate that dry shampoo, deodorant, and perfume are not the same as a shower. It's been two weeks. FML
Today, I was at a football game with my boyfriend. I said my hands were getting cold, hoping he'd hold them. He replied, "Uh, they make pockets for a reason..." and physically showed me how to put my hands in my pockets. FML
Today, my psycho mom walked in while I was chilling and having fun with some friends. She kicked them out and now wants to drug test me, because, "Nobody's that happy without drugs." FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend jerking off to what I thought was porn on his phone. He was actually beating it to Siri's voice. FML
Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but I was so nervous that I had a panic attack, fainted and split my head open. My girlfriend then fainted at the sight of the blood. An onlooker had to call an ambulance for both of us. FML
Today, I have to make a decision. I either drive my dad around during the day so he can drink, or I let him drink and drive so I can focus on studying for my exams. FML
Today, I gave birth to my first child. The first thing my husband says? "When can I hit it again, doc?" FML
Today, I started my job selling perfume in a department store. I decided to be creative and sprayed a little perfume towards the first person who walked by. She had an allergic reaction, and an ambulance had to be called. FML
Today, I found a book in my attic that I always read when I was a kid. For old times' sake I read it again. On the very first page, child me had written, "Go to page 15" so I did. On page 15, in big red letters, it said, "Get bent." I got pranked by myself. FML
Today, I was skating in the city when I slipped and fractured my arm. As I was lying in pain, a guy walked up to me, frisked my pocket and took my wallet. He then said, "It's nothing personal." FML
Today, my boss drove past me while I was walking to work, and splashing mud over my uniform. When I got to work, he criticized me for showing up in unpresentable condition. FML
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