brittaussi

Today, my neighbors got a rooster. FML

Gift ideas

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend's present to me was that he actually flushed the toilet AND put the seat down. FML

Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML

Today, I went over to a guy's house for dinner. He ended up getting really drunk and started crying, telling me that I reminded him of his dead ferret. Distraught, he tearfully showed me her ashes. FML

Today, I'm trying to come up with a plausible explanation for my co-workers as to why I have stitches in my face. I'm not sure I want to admit that I was clawed by a pigeon as I opened my garage door. FML

Today, my son's homework was to write a story about what he wants to be when he grows up. He wrote that he plans on being unemployed and living at home until we throw him out, then he'll live under a bridge. He's only 12, but already planning for a future as an unemployed bum. FML

Today, it's my birthday. I got a phone call from my high school bully, to remind me that he'll always be able to find me and do whatever he wants to me. He does this every year. I turn 34 today. FML

Today, my six year old son came up to me with his arms spread and said, "I feel like a hug." I got really excited and hopeful because he is very anti-social and hates physical contact. As soon as I stood up to hug him he said "Feeling's gone" and walked away. FML

Real estate

Today, already knowing that my girlfriend wanted to be "just friends", I invited her over, hoping to change her mind. She was playfully drawing on me with a pen when I noticed she'd written "Emily's property" on my leg. I said "Aw, I'm yours?" She then drew a for-sale sign on me. FML

Today, while working at Kohl's this woman came up to me and asked if I was Native American, I said yes, she then says "Oh! I thought you guys went extinct." This is the country I live in. FML

Not funny, guys

Today, my family decided it would be hilarious to catch the biggest moths they could and let them loose in my room. I'm terrified of moths and they thought it would be "funny as hell" to watch me freak out. FML

Today, I went to a club. The only guy who asked me to dance introduced himself as "Bird Dog." FML

Today, my violent housemate qualified for a gun license. She picks up her bolt-action rifle on Wednesday. FML

Today, my six-year-old got in an argument with my four-year-old. I told them to go outside. The next thing I know, my son was standing in front of his sister's burning Barbie's Malibu Dream House, singing "Burn Baby Burn" and cackling madly. FML

Creepy

Today, my roommate informed me that one of her scorpions is loose in our apartment again. Great. FML

Don't do this to me

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. Devastated, he withered onto the floor into an inconsolable wreck in front of dozens of people. The ribbon of embarrassment that went down my spine was too much for me to handle, so I had to tell him I was "only joking." FML

Today, my friend decided to jump out of a moving car. I had to explain to the nice old lady who stopped that my friend who was convulsing on the ground wasn't on drugs, he's just really stupid. FML

Today, I was playing video games at 2am. My guinea pig started squealing at me, and wouldn't stop until I turned out the lights and got into bed. I'm 20 years old, and I've let a rodent dictate my bedtime. FML

Manchild

Today, I told my boyfriend I had an appointment for laser hair removal. He responded by making "pew pew" noises and pretending to shoot my underarms. He's 28. FML

Today, I forgot what I was doing while listening to a voicemail and started talking back to it. FML

Today, I saw a man dancing to a Britney Spears song in his Volkswagen Beetle. I started laughing hysterically until he got out. He was huge. I was stuck in traffic. FML

Today, my car got acquainted with about 3 dozen eggs. FML

Today, I decided to make homemade french fries. I figured all I needed was potatoes and salt, right? Wrong! I also needed the fire department and an ambulance. FML

Blocking time

Today, this weird girl started texting me. I really didn't want to talk to her, so I texted back, "This message could not be delivered because of a temporery network setup error. Error 2128-226110." She replied, "You spelt temporary wrong." FML

Unfair

Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year-old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML

Today, I was involved in a car accident and hit my head on the dash. I now have huge, very sore knot on my head. My boyfriend now takes every opportunity to poke it and scream "Look! A baby unicorn!" FML

Today, I was eating cereal while absentmindedly reading the box. I was amused when I found it expires on my birthday. Then I realized it expired on my birthday two years ago. FML

Today, my girlfriend tried to cover my eyes while I was driving on the main street, all because she caught me looking at an ad featuring bikini-clad girls on the bus ahead of our car. FML

Today, my girlfriend decided to raid my games collection and try her hand at Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Two hours later, despite my best attempts to make her stop shrieking like a dying crackhead every two minutes, two cops showed up at the door with our neighbors in tow. FML

But they're so cuuuuute

Today, I had to explain to my 25-year-old boyfriend why we cannot get pet raccoons. This is not the first time we have had this conversation. FML