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Today, I was outside talking to my new neighbor. I was gesturing while talking and didn't notice the little kid riding her bike coming our way. I ended up accidentally smacking her in the face and knocking her off her bike. Apparently she's my new neighbor's daughter. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

by Anonymous / 08/29/2015 at 3:10pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, I got my paycheck. I was really excited since I've been broke for the last two weeks. On my way home, I got pulled over and got a ticket for expired tags. The $90 for new tags plus $135 for the citation will leave me with enough to buy a burger. FML

by fuckcops / 06/13/2011 at 3:06pm / United States (Michigan) / Money

Today, I was working as a character at an amusement park. I was walking with another character and we went over to a baby girl. She smiled and laughed at my co-worker. When she saw me, she started screaming and crying. FML

by ssydneyy / 07/17/2012 at 3:47pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, I went to see Star Wars with my brother. The entire time he talked about how scientifically inaccurate and improbable the entire movie was. FML

by sister of an angry nerd / 12/23/2015 at 1:09am / Geek

Today, I am a Frenchie who's been in England for two months. While wanting to say to my technician that my manager made me groan during our meeting, I said that he made me moan. Now he keeps looking at me with a grin on his face. FML

by ladyhead / 12/18/2008 at 11:30am / United Kingdom (Kingston upon Hull) / Work

Today, I found out my parents only had me in an attempt to fix their relationship. It didn't work. FML

by crinitis / 01/28/2016 at 11:05am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my now ex-boyfriend accused me of wanting to screw his 11-year-old brother, all because I expressed interest in going to his birthday party. FML

by Anonymous / 02/05/2016 at 9:16pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, and for the third time this week, my bank manager called me to tell me that my account is still overdrawn. He doesn't seem to understand that my wages always get paid at the end of the month. FML

by dmlk / 12/10/2008 at 6:09am / Money

Today, my mom celebrated a year's sobriety by having a couple of beers with her boyfriend. FML

by ur_life_dus_suck / 01/21/2016 at 8:08am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend's head was on my lap. I bent down to kiss him. My stomach rolls got there first. FML

by Anonymous / 10/04/2009 at 5:40pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I was watching TV with my grandma. I said aloud, "Dang, that actor is hot." My grandma pointed out he was a spitting image of my cousin. I realized she was right, and that I may as well be attracted to my own cousin. FML

by Anonymous / 09/15/2012 at 12:11pm / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, after being told numerous times how sexist the East Coast is, I went ahead with my East Coast grad school architecture interview. The first thing out of the interviewer's mouth was, "Are you sure you don't want to do interior architecture?" FML

by LL / 02/04/2016 at 9:13am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, my boyfriend of a year and a half informed me that he had "accepted" my stomach, even though it didn't conform to his "preference" for a flat stomach. He then added that his acceptance doesn't extend to my "chunky thighs". FML

by chunky monkey / 03/14/2016 at 2:26pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Love