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Today, I was invited to my boyfriend's house for dinner for the first time. His mom made a fantastic dinner, so I showed my appreciation by eating the lot. Apparently I was overdoing it because when I looked up everyone was staring. His dad muttered, "Slow the hell down." FML

#20102773
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12570) - you deserved it (24518)

On 10/05/2012 at 10:56am - misc - by OhMeGerd (woman) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I woke up after a few friends came over last night. There are eggs, coins and Oreos glued to the ceiling, 10 broken jars, no food left, and most of the contents of my house are in the garden. And I'm naked and covered in permanent marker drawings of Pokémon. My parents return in an hour. FML

#17899100
167 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12564) - you deserved it (50180)

On 10/03/2011 at 9:19pm - misc - by danii - Reserved

Today, I decided to smoke a cigarette while I was driving to work. I was also eating french fries during the drive. I had never realized how much a cigarette feels like a french fry. In conclusion, cigarettes don't taste very good when you bite into them. FML

#1418421
221 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12558) - you deserved it (105679)

On 04/28/2009 at 10:08am - health - by david - United States (Colorado)

Today, a waiter came up and and put out his hand so I gave him a high five and pounded it. He then says, "Um, that was a nice high five but I wanted your plate." FML

#2230053
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12551) - you deserved it (56603)

On 05/24/2009 at 1:01am - misc - by Clueless (woman) - United States

Today, my cat was too overweight to get out of the litter box, so he gave up, and went to sleep. I had to pick him up out of his own waste and clean him up. FML

#20175044
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12550) - you deserved it (25342)

On 11/23/2012 at 10:10am - animals - by Jeanna S. - United States

Today, I was walking through the streets with my best friend, feeling confident in my new skinny jeans. My friend said, "you really should be wearing a thong with those pants, your underwear line is showing". I was wearing a thong, those lines were just my fat rolls. FML

#6439665
222 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12544) - you deserved it (37467)

On 11/24/2009 at 8:05pm - misc - by xkellybabyyx - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I told my boyfriend that I like it when he moans while we're having sex. Unfortunately, he interpreted that as "milk it". The sound is so obnoxious, it's starting to ruin the sex. FML

#12271784
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12532) - you deserved it (23466)

On 08/02/2010 at 7:32pm - intimacy - by toomuchlove (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for something to drink. I found a jug of lemonade with a piece of paper on it saying "Mom's Lemonade, Don't Drink!" I was really thirsty, so I ignored it and drank the whole jug. My mom is about to have a colonoscopy and had filled it with laxatives. FML

#4503474
196 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12525) - you deserved it (136092)

On 08/13/2009 at 3:47pm - health - by Nick (man) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. Then someone at work wouldn't stop whistling loudly and it was getting on my nerves. "Can the dick who is whistling please stop?" I asked. It was the general manager of my department. I'm still on probation. FML

#2560630
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12515) - you deserved it (46937)

On 06/03/2009 at 6:31am - work - by whatzthehell (woman) - Kuwait

Today, I realized that I know more about the history of the Transformers than I do about talking to women. FML

#35674
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12514) - you deserved it (41234)

On 02/13/2009 at 3:17am - misc - by AwesomePGnarles (man) - United States (New York)

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex in a rarely used room at school. We got carried away and found ourselves locked in. We slept there overnight. We woke up when the cleaning lady found us the next morning and were greeted by worried parents and school staff. FML

#12758397
180 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12514) - you deserved it (48563)

On 08/26/2010 at 5:17pm - intimacy - by Eeeek (woman) - Bulgaria (Varna)

Today, me and my girlfriend got into a fight. After giving my genius response to one of her asinine comments, I stormed out of the store, having the last word. Ten minutes later she comes out to find me in the parking lot. My car wouldn't start. She texts me "Karma's a bitch" then drives away. FML

#159138
48 comments

Today, after taking a shower, I decided to weigh myself. Curious, I peered down. I couldn't see the scale. I am fat. FML

#1198
30 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12507) - you deserved it (19893)

On 01/15/2009 at 6:43am - health - by Mr. Shawzy - Canada (British Columbia)



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