Today, whilst showing my kids how to replace a light bulb safely, I gave myself and electric shock, and dropped the bulb. Twice in a row. In hindsight I should have let my husband do all the DIY-based educating, since I now have a glass shard in my big toe. FML
Today, I wore new trousers to work. As I walked to my desk, I noticed a weird damp patch near my zip. Panicking, I thought I'd pissed myself. I rushed to the bathroom, then figured out that it was the condensation from my lunch container, which was in my bag that I had on my lap during the bus ride to work. FML
Today, on our honeymoon, my wife still won't have sex with me. When I brought it up, she started crying and said she's still "not ready" for sex. We're both in our late twenties. When the fuck will she be ready? FML
Today, I was getting ready to go pick up a few things for much-needed projects around the house, when I heard my husband yelling from the basement. The lawnmower had kicked a rock through the expensive sliding glass door we just finished paying off. The rattling refrigerator may have to wait. FML
Today, it’s been about two and a half months since I entered into a severe, borderline suicidal depressive episode. My psychiatrist prescribed a new antidepressant to go with my mood stabilizer, but it will take up to a month to kick in. Looks like it’s gonna be a blue Christmas. FML
Today, I had an very long day at work. I also had to take my daughter to the dentist and ballet class. Later, my 3 year-old son was having a diarrhoea, needing care, yet I pulled myself up, cooked, fed, read, cleaned the whole house except the kids' bedroom. My brother-in-law came, looked only at that and judged me horribly. FML
Today, I went to the bathroom at a friend’s house, used the toilet paper, and realized there was none left on the roll. I grabbed a replacement pack but it was all the way on the top shelf that was too high for me. I stood on tiptoes, balancing precariously on the toilet lid when it suddenly flipped down, knocking me off, and splashing pisswater everywhere. FML
Today, some guy has been routinely parking in my designated spot outside my block of flats, so I thought I’d teach him a lesson by putting a clamp on his tyre. I later went outside, and not only had he cut the clamp off, he’d left me a note basically saying, "Better luck next time, asshole." FML
Today, we are on our honeymoon, at a beautiful resort, and my wife has been in bed crying for two days. She won't talk to me, and every time I come in, she sobs harder and starts hyperventilating. This can't be a good sign. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend of 8 years is still cheating on me with the girl that he was caught sexting on my birthday back in July. His response was that if I didn't hang out with my friends on the weekends, he wouldn't have to find someone to entertain him all week. We live together. FML
Today, I completed a jigsaw puzzle. Almost. You see, there's a problem: One of the pieces is an exact duplicate of another, and the actual missing piece is… gone. So there's one empty space and one piece that doesn't fit. Words cannot describe how irrationally angry this makes me. FML
Today, I packed my lunch meticulously: salad, sandwich, fruit. Then I put the entire thing in my backpack, on top of what turned out to be a leaky water bottle. By lunch, I was faced with eating a soggy mess of lettuce soup and bread mush. It was not great. FML
Today, after I moved across country to move in with my best friend, she decided to move in with her boyfriend a month into me being here. I don't know anyone here. She hasn't been home in 4 months and recently any time we've made plans, she stands me up. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 4 years, who I love with every fiber in my body, just told me that he's not attracted to me. Not in any way, shape, or form. FML
Today, I meant to send a cheeky “I’m out of the office” reply to my team but instead hit “reply all” on an email chain with my entire company, including my boss, HR, and some clients. The message included a joke about “sleeping through meetings” that was NOT work-appropriate. FML
Today, my mom bought me a puppy. I’m single, I work 14 hour days, my life is in no way suitable for pet ownership, but mom won’t take him back because she thinks I need to learn adult responsibility. I’m a senior technician with a team of 17 people, I couldn’t be more responsible if I tried. FML
Today, I'm in love with my friend, and he's in love with me. The problem? We're both married to other people. We're not acting on it and we're going to do the right thing, which is letting it go, but my heart is broken in a million pieces right now. FML
Today, after working two jobs and saving constantly this year all for a month-long solo vacation traveling to 7 countries, I arrived in first one. Within three hours I fell and broke my foot, forcing me to come home in fear of needing surgery. FML
Today, my partner and I went over to my mum’s for dinner. She’s not a formal person, so he wore a black fleece sweater. It was a nice, relaxed evening, until we got home and I had to attack him with the lint roller for what felt like half an hour. Yes, my mom has cats. FML
Today, I looked at the supplements my boyfriend puts in the protein shakes we both drink. To my horror, most of them listed "boosts libido" or "increased fertility" as benefits. When I confronted him, he said ,"So? I drink them too, it's not like I'm drugging you or something." FML
Today, my friend and I were having a conversation in the ladies’ room. Suddenly, we hear banging from one of the stalls and, “Can you talk somewhere else? Some of us are trying to poop.” FML
Today, I went to my gym and tried a new workout machine that had just been installed. I set the weight too high and ended up stuck halfway through a lift, making weird struggling noises. Most people around me stopped and stared as I awkwardly dropped the weights. FML
Today, I came out from the E.R. with an arm cast and stitches on my head, all because a cyclist ran me over on a pedestrian walkway and got away. FML
Today, I'm on my sixth straight day of double shifts, with four more to go. I make overtime so I'm not complaining, but today my wife texted me, "Going out of town tonight, I expect the house to be spotless when I return." Not sure how I'm going to swing this one. FML
Today, my husband "challenged" my daughter: if she could eat a whole raw onion, she could stay up as late as she wanted. I now have an onion with a whole bunch of little bites taken out, a pile of stinking onion puke, a crying daughter, and a husband laughing like a hyena. FML
Today, it's my 8 year anniversary. My boyfriend's "romantic" gesture for the occasion was to toss a few McDonald's coupons at me and tell me to get whatever I wanted. FML
Today, I care more and have stronger feelings for my boss/best friend than my boyfriend, and can't tell either of them. FML
Today, is the second time this week that school is delayed because of snow or "extreme ice." It's like we're Texas now, they get 2 inches of snow and the whole state gets shut down, but no, I live in Rhode Island. I gotta go to work. FML
Today, my mother-in-law came home drunk and said to my husband, "I told you not to bring a dumb girl home." I'm a kindergarten teacher with my own private school. FML
Today, I tried to introduce myself to the stray cat outside my house. As it turns out, this cat is very friendly. He got up and started climbing on my shoulders like a parrot, sniffing me everywhere. Then I sneezed and he fell, scratching my back and neck very badly as he did so. FML
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